"I think I'll go out for a bit," Helen announced to the quiet inhabitants of her office. Will and Henry were both sprawled across a couch each, tablets in hand. Kate sat by the window, fiddling with her bracelet from Garris while Ashley stood rather stoically behind her, frowning at something off in the distance.

It was too much stillness for Helen.

Today, of all days, she wanted to be doing something. It was clear the others were a little lost and had thus migrated into her office but the sheer number of eyes that kept wandering over to her made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Though she was grateful that they hadn't continued with the constant questions as to whether she was feeling all right.

In the week since she'd been back in an official sense, Helen had sometimes struggled to make it through even a single hour without some caring soul peering around the door and offering her the chance to take a break. Will had been the worst, hanging about the place like he had nothing better to do. More than once Helen had ended up snapping at him to get him back into his office to do some actual work.

Henry was a little more subtle about it, thankfully, only coming up to her office when he actually had a passable reason for doing so. From time to time, he bought Ashley with him, dragging her from the corner of his lab she'd taken as her own (to do what with, Helen wasn't sure) to carry papers he probably could have managed on his own. Of course, they always could have used the video conferencing system that ran through the entire network but Helen appreciated that he felt obligated to ensure she was coping.

Not that she was coping, not really but, after a life time of faking it, Helen managed to make it seem like she was. How was she supposed to cope? It had been a little two months since they'd recovered her (at least, according to Nikola) and though they said she'd been missing little more than a week, Helen would have sworn that it had been years. Her body was still weak, her mind scattered and no matter how many tests she ran, she couldn't figure out what they'd pumped into her to render her so utterly broken. With each passing day her strength returned and she knew that, with time, whatever it was would leave her system but it didn't help Helen to feel any better about being utterly useless.

To make matters worse, it seemed as if nothing had been done in her absence. Her desk was precisely as she'd left it, the same document folder open to the same page with her pen lying between the two pages she'd been flicking between before she'd taken her phone with the intent of calling Nikola.

Part of her wanted to be angry at him, after all, she'd have been in her office and perhaps perfectly safe if she hadn't wanted to speak to him so badly but the more rational part of her mind knew he was not to blame. No one was, really. Perhaps herself for not finding this group earlier but even that was something she intended to rectify in the next few weeks. After all, if one group managed to realise she was alive, what would stop SCIU making the same discoveries?

That and Helen was more than a little keen on revenge.

She hadn't yet spoken of her ordeal with any of her team, choosing to keep it to herself until she could properly understand it. Not that she thought she ever would understand the motives of her captors, but it made for a nice and logical defence against any questions posed to her. She had a feeling she'd given some of it away to Nikola in the early days of her return but so much of it was a blur she couldn't be sure. She supposed she could have asked him if it had been the case but, since she'd passed out last week, Nikola had been more and more distant.

Well, distant wasn't quite the right word. He was still by her side every chance he got, still cared for her without a word as to why but there was something... less. She got the sense that there was something burning away beneath the surface, something to do with blame and fear and, well, that something between them they hadn't dared name.

It was rather odd if only for the fact that they exact opposite was happening with John. He had, in the past few days, tried so much harder to be there for her. He doted, much as he did back at Oxford and had even tried to take her hand at lunch the other day. Of course, Helen had shook him off quickly, her head and heart not quite believing that he was free of his demons.

And even if he were, Helen wasn't entirely sure what it would mean for her or for John. She loved him, yes. She would always love him more than she could ever describe but the man she had fallen for as a young woman was not the man who now smiled warmly at her over a pot of tea. This man had seen more, done more, experienced more than her John could ever have dreamed. And she too was different. The Helen he fell in love with was long gone, chipped away at to the point where a different person stood in her place. Helen had been naïve, excited by possibility, chomping at the bit to prove herself in a world dominated by men and though those things would always be a part of her, Helen wasn't sure she could, in good faith say that this woman could love John Druitt.

At least, not in the way he would want.

Helen had, while trying not to fall asleep so as to avoid the nightmares that plagued her, wondered if it would be what Ashley wanted. Growing up, Helen had wanted nothing more than to have both her parents there to hold her close on dark nights. In fact, it had been one of the memories they kept bringing her back to, giving constant reminders of the family she'd never had and though Helen could honestly say she'd wanted for nothing as she grew up, part of her wondered what life could have been like with a female influence.

When Ashley had been little, she'd wondered if her daughter would be plagued by the same sense of longing and though she'd come to the conclusion that John would be a most unsuitable father figure years before she'd given birth, the idea of James playing papa to her little girl had crossed her mind so many times. She knew James would have taken up the role in a heartbeat , which, really was half the reason she couldn't bring herself to ask him. Again, that idea of a perfect family made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

Nothing about Helen's life was perfect and she was mostly certain she was glad of that fact.

Of course, it didn't stop her striving for perfection. That's what had irked her most about finding her office precisely the same as when she'd left. Though the state was pristine, it suggested that nothing had been even looked at in her absence. While she could understand their want to bring her home and most certainly appreciated their doing so, crucial work had fallen by the wayside. The entire network, it seemed, had come to a halt. Some Head's had done better than others and at least made it seem like things had continued as per usual but it was not the case for all of them. In fact, Will had been the worst.

According to his own version of events, they'd spent a week simply waiting around before mounting their rescue efforts. A week, she argued, that would have been better spent making sure she didn't return to such a mountain of work. It was petty and childish but Helen couldn't help focus on it. It made everything else fall away and gave her a point on which to focus the anger she knew would take several years to work out.

By focusing on the mindless paperwork, Helen was then unable to remember the fact that, when she'd finally awoken enough to understand what had truly unfolded and the fate that had taken her friend, nothing had been done. Not an arrangement had been made. It was as if they'd simply forgotten that Rose had died.

Helen bit her lip at the thought, still wanting desperately for it not to be true. Even after having seen the perfectly preserved body down in the bowels of the Sanctuary, she doubted it was true. The fact that Will had done nothing to organise some kind of burial or even a memorial only aided in Helen's disbelief.

Instead it had all been left to her to sort. For the past week she'd done little else. Messages were distributed the world over, word of mouth being the only method Helen suspected would find its way to all those who would care to know of Rose's passing. No one knew how many would come or, indeed, if anyone would. Will had suggested that the majority of Rose's friends probably resided within the confines of the new Sanctuary network though Helen wasn't so naïve as to think so. In fact, there was a 'grave side' service being conducted that very moment back in London to accommodate those who wanted to say their goodbyes but could not, for whatever reason, venture down to the Sanctuary.

Declan was sitting in as Sanctuary representative, a few other significant faces working as both mourners and security for the event. Helen had been torn on the issue of a topside funeral though she had caved easily enough. They had to make it seem that the Sanctuary mourned her passing and provide anyone who needed further proof of her passing with something visual to cling to. The actual ceremony would be held that afternoon in the cavernous ballroom like structure in one of the older parts of the Sanctuary. It was modelled on the Old City cathedral and carried a suitable sense of occasion. To Helen's mind, at least.

Though it didn't feel as if she was truly gone. Helen couldn't explain it with any success but, admittedly, she hadn't really tried. There was little doubt in her mind that if she tried to say she could hear Rose from time to time, they'd think she was insane and strap her to a bed once more before pumping her body full of some concoction designed to beat back the drugs she'd been subjected to.

There is a logical explanation and you know it.

Keeping it to herself now, of all days seemed like a good idea.

But, in the mean time, she had hours to kill. Many, many hours in which her team could and probably would continue to mope about her office. She didn't blame them in some ways but she couldn't take it much longer.

"Go out?" Will echoed.

"Where?" Henry put in.

"Who is going out?" John said as he walked through the door, Nikola surprisingly hot on his tail.

"I am," Helen said, proud that her voice did not waver. Of course, she didn't meet John's eye which helped significantly.

There was a beat where Helen could feel all eyes on her but she held her head high and gave her best tight smile.

"All right then," Nikola said softly, thankfully drawing the attention away from her. Helen watched as Ashley's eyes flicked between them rapidly, apparently assessing some kind of potential threat but, before Helen could even think to work it out, the younger woman cleared her throat.

"I'm coming too," Ashley chimed in, sounding almost firm enough to be the daughter Helen had lost. Ashley fluctuated between a timid husk of her former self and a fiercely bitter girl who seemed lost amongst a world she had been ripped from. It frightened Helen. She could see her Ashley in amongst it all, she could see how she struggled to come to grips with abilities that were not natural to her but Helen couldn't reach out and help however much she might have wanted to. She just... couldn't.

Helen risked a glance at her daughter and nodded curtly, unwilling to say no but unable to say yes.

"Shall I get us a car then?" Nikola asked, arching a brow. "Or will the transport system suffice?"

"Us?" Helen echoed, cocking her head. Nikola merely waited patiently for her answer, not rising to the bait of her question. They didn't mean to come with her? Did they?

"But..." Will spluttered, standing abruptly.

"I'll be back well before the service," she said. It was only through sheer will power that she avoided pursing her lips or tossing something at her young protégé. While he'd improved in leaps and bounds from the man who had questioned her beyond the point of reason not six months ago, it seemed the time apart had simply made him less sure of himself and, to Helen's mind, just a little clingy.

Maybe a leather-bound book to the head would get her some distance...

"Don't worry, Junior," Nikola added. "I'll have her back before you can blink."

"We'll have her back," John half growled, giving Nikola a look that made him roll his eyes.

Helen was just about to tell them that she would, in fact, be back on her own, with no help from either of them when she saw something in her protégé's eyes switch from reluctance to acceptance and he slumped back in his chair a little. Apparently if she had minders she was allowed to go out.

Pushing aside the many levels of angry that that made her, Helen smiled tightly and quickly stepped around her desk, smoothing down the front of her skirt as she went. She could feel that tingle of weakness encroaching on her upper thighs that meant she needed to sit down within the next 10 to 12 minutes lest the pain become unbearable to the point where she fell to the ground inelegantly.

It had only happened once but she had no interest in repeating the experience. Especially when a short rest would fix it all.

"I'll have my phone should you need me," she said, walking towards the door. She heard Ashley peel off and fall in behind her and a faint smile lifted her lips as John and Nikola stepped aside for her.

They walked in silence for a few moments and only when they came to a stop before the transport pod did Helen even think to speak to those who had promised to mind her. Even if it wasn't in so many words. Turning, Helen prepared to send them on their way but, before she could speak, Ashley smiled brightly and jumped in.

"So, where are we going?" she asked, casting an uncertain, if not blatantly hostile look at the two men following them.

Helen opened her mouth to reply but closed it again quickly. Where would they go? And then suddenly inspiration hit.

That's my girl.

Helen smiled.

"To the surface."


Two chapters for an apology. Brownies/smut for people who can tell me where the chapter titles for the rest of the story come from (after they go up, of course) :P

xx