Chapter 13
Kelly gritted his teeth against the pain. This was absolutely unreal. He thought he had felt pain before…with his neck injury and the surgery…or with his knee. And then he woke up in the hospital and just the very act of breathing was a new exercise in torture.
It all started when they pulled the tube out of his throat. They told him to take a deep breath and blow it out as hard as he could. Were they fucking kidding?
Once they pulled the tube he began to cough…and the whole world threatened to go dark again. The nurse quickly fitted a nasal cannula to get him some oxygen…and he lay back against the pillows…just trying to figure out what the hell had happened.
He tried to talk…to ask Alyssa what was happening to him…how he'd gotten here…he'd figured out he was in the hospital…and he remembered being at work…going out on a call…a garage or something...someplace with cars...but then everything was a blur.
His voice sounded foreign to him…like the worst case of laryngitis he'd ever had. His throat hurt and he desperately wanted some water.
But the nurse had to ask the doctor if that was okay.
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Alyssa was right there…holding his left hand in hers…rubbing those familiar, soothing, rhythmic circles against his left shoulder.
He was taking inventory of all his body parts…trying to figure out what worked and what didn't. His right shoulder ached…and he had a cast all the way down his right arm. He could only wiggle his fingers.
His face felt funny…tight across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose…his forehead too. And there was an annoying itching feeling…but when he tried to scratch the itch…it hurt.
And he desperately needed a shave…his beard always grew in heavy…and when he put his hand up to his face…it felt like he hadn't shaved in weeks.
But what the hell had happened to his sides…particularly his right? With every agonizing breath he thought he was hearing 'Snap, Crackle, Pop' like the twins breakfast cereal.
"Lyssa?" he croaked. "Lyssa…what happened?"
Her eyes teared up…and he had no idea why. And he was focusing more on her face…she looked so tired. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her face seemed thinner than before…almost gaunt. She was wearing one of his squad t-shirts…and she absolutely swam in it. More so than usual.
How long had he been gone?
"Do you remember anything, Baby?" she asked quietly.
He searched his memory…
"I remember bein' at work…a call…big fire…a garage or something."
"That's all?"
"Am I missin' somethin'?"
He coughed…and it hurt. He squeezed her hand as hard as he could…but even that felt different. Weaker, somehow.
"You were in a tire shop." She said gently. "There was someone trapped in the back…in the garage…and you tried to rescue him…but you got hurt."
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The nurse came in with a plastic cup filled with ice chips.
"The doctor said you could have these…just one at a time."
She handed the cup to Alyssa…who took one small chunk and slipped it into his mouth.
If he didn't think it would hurt like hell, Kelly would have sighed with relief. The ice was like a drop of heaven as it melted against his tongue and the cold liquid slid down his throat. The second it was gone he opened his mouth for another…and another…and another.
After about a dozen ice chips he didn't feel like he'd just clawed his way through the desert anymore…and he tried again.
"What's wrong with me? Why does my chest hurt…and my side…"
"You broke a couple ribs, Honey. And you had a collapsed lung…so the doctors put in a chest tube. That's why your side hurts."
"Is it still there?"
"No, Babe…they took it out a couple days ago…but it's gonna be sore for a while."
Sore? No…sore was his back after a busy shift…or his knee after a five mile run. This was most defiantly not sore.
"How long was I out?"
He'd figured that he must have been unconscious…the tube in his throat gave that away.
"Sixteen days…" Alyssa whispered…a tear running down her cheek.
She quickly wiped it away.
Sixteen days? This was unreal…
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He shifted ever so slightly…and the pain hit him like a truck.
He sucked in his breath in a hissing sound…even though that made it worse.
Alyssa took her hand away from his shoulder and reached for something above his pillow. She pulled it gently and he saw it was a button. A button for a PCAU…patient controlled analgesia unit. He had one when he had his knee surgery…and he remembered another one...way back when Alyssa was in the hospital.
She pressed the button and it released some morphine directly into the IV in his neck.
That was another weird feeling thing…but they had the blood pressure cuff on his left arm…and his right was useless.
The pain med took the edge off the pain…just a bit.
They sat…Alyssa feeding him ice chips…and after a while he asked her to push the button again.
Then there was something he had to do.
"Lyssa…call the kids. I need to hear their voices."
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She reached for her cell phone and hit a number on her speed dial.
"Matt?" she said as the call went through. "Matt, are the kids around? Can you get 'em? Kelly wants to talk to them. Put it on speaker…"
She hit the speaker on her phone too…and they heard Casey call the kids…
"Andy! Jesse! Come in here! Your dad's on the phone!"
They heard the twins come thundering in from wherever they had been…screaming with pure, unadulterated happiness.
"Dad!" Andy cried.
"Dad!" Jesse echoed a nanosecond behind.
They both began talking so fast that Kelly couldn't even tell which one was speaking , let alone follow the conversation.
"Hey guys…" he said weakly…his voice still rasping with every word. "It's so good to hear your voices…"
Andy decided to just cut to the chase.
"Are you coming home?"
Tears welled up in Kelly's eyes at the question. He could hear the emotion in his son's voice. He hadn't been home in sixteen days…over two weeks. Just the thought that it had been that long since he'd held his kids…since he'd seen them. He'd never gone sixteen hours without some contact with them…even if it was just on the phone.
"As soon as I can, Buddy…I'll be home as soon as I can." He replied, his voice choked with emotion.
He reached for Alyssa's hand and squeezed it tight.
"When is that gonna be?" Andy asked.
He wanted specifics…the day, the hour. He wanted to see his dad!
"As soon as the doctor says I can…I'm gonna do everything they tell me to so I can get home, I promise."
A couple of tears ran down his cheeks and Alyssa grabbed a tissue to pat them dry.
"Dad…I miss you…" Jesse said.
His voice didn't sound right…he sounded like he'd been crying.
"I miss you too, Jess…I miss you guys like crazy…when Mom told me…"
His voice cracked and he couldn't finish the sentence. Alyssa reached for the cup the ice chips had come in and held it to his lips so he could take a little sip and pull himself together.
"Daddy!"
Maggie! Oh, God…his baby girl.
"Maggie…hi, Baby Girl."
"Daddy!" she cried. "Daddy!"
Kelly drew in a ragged breath.
"I miss you guys…so much." He said. "So much…"
"Can we come see you?" Andy asked. "If they won't let you come home?"
"Soon, guys…I don't think they let kids come up here…but soon. I promise."
Alyssa could see the talking was draining him…both physically and emotionally.
"Guys…let's let Daddy rest now. So he can get stronger…okay? We'll talk to you again before bed, I promise. Let's say 'good-bye' now…"
That was the last thing any of them wanted…but it was what was necessary.
"Bye, Dad…" Andy said with uncharacteristic softness.
Kelly could hear the emotion in his voice.
"Bye, Dad…"
Jesse wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was crying.
"Bye, guys…I'll talk to you later." He said…his tears flowing freely.
"Daddy!" Maggie cried. "No go!"
"I have to, Baby Girl…I'll talk to you soon…bye-bye, Baby Girl…"
"Daddy!"
Alyssa ended the call…and she sank down into the chair at Kelly's bedside…and she held him the best she could.
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He'd promised. He promised Andy and Jesse that he'd get home as soon as he could. But as the first couple of days past, he realized that promise was going to be tough to keep.
He just couldn't get past the pain. His entire right side just hurt. And every little thing made it hurt more…if that was even possible.
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The first thing that happened was when the surgical PA came in to change the dressing on his side…where the chest tube had been.
Kelly understood the concept of a chest tube…what it was, why it was needed…but he'd never actually seen one. When he asked Alyssa what they had done to him…he almost didn't believe her…even when he made her tell him, when she described the procedure.
Whenever he asked a question, Alyssa answered it. But Kelly always felt like she was stopping just short of telling him the whole story. When he asked how he broke his arm, she said she didn't know. When he asked how he could have broken so many ribs, she told him something had fallen on him. When he pressed her to tell him what it was, she told him she didn't know all the details.
Under normal circumstances he'd have pressed harder…but right now, he was half lying on his left side, which hurt like a bitch. The PA was pulling the dressing from his side…and despite having had an extra dose of pain medication, he was still squeezing his eyes shut as tightly as he could and screaming through clenched teeth. He crushed Alyssa's hand in his till she thought he might break it.
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"Stop! Stop! Stop!" he cried out when he couldn't stand it anymore.
Alyssa tried to soothe him.
"Shhh…Kelly…just look at me." She whispered. "Just focus on me…slow breaths…look at me."
"You do it." He said suddenly.
"What do you want me to do, Honey?"
"The dressing…change the dressing." He said…his eyes pleading with her. "You do it."
She couldn't protest…she couldn't refuse him.
She looked up at the PA.
"It's not normal protocol…" she said hesitantly.
But the patient was in such obvious distress…and his wife seemed competent. What would it hurt to let her try?
Alyssa leaned over and kissed her husband gently.
"Okay, Honey…" she told him. "I'll do it."
So she disentangled her hand from his…took the hand sanitizer the PA was offering her…and circled around to the other side of the bed.
She saw the wound, held together with small, even sutures. The PA showed her how to cleanse it with moist gauze. Kelly flinched when she touched it…but not as badly as before. She gently applied the antibiotic ointment and placed the gauze pads over the wound.
Then she helped him turn onto his back again and hurried to wash her hands so she could get back to his side.
Alyssa took his hand in hers and began to do what she always did…try to soothe him.
"Are you okay now?" she asked.
He just nodded.
As okay as he was going to be…
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But there were some things she couldn't do for him. The physical therapist tried for three days to get him sitting up on the side of the bed. But any time they raised the bed past a forty-five degree angle, he couldn't do it.
Finally a doctor from the Pain Management service…Kelly didn't even know there was such a thing…came in and gave him what they called a nerve block. They injected anesthetic right into the nerves in his chest…so the pain was tolerable. He could still feel it…just not as intensely. And he wanted to scream at them…why didn't you assholes think of this four days ago?
After that he was able to sit at the edge of the bed and let his feet hang over the side. And that's when he realized just how weak he had become.
The therapist brought a walker to the side of the bed and set it in front of him.
No…he thought…no way. No way was he using that thing.
But he couldn't even sit up without using his good arm to support himself.
He hated it…he hated every goddamn second of it.
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The therapist had fastened a belt around his waist…and with Alyssa on his left side…and the therapist on his right…he braced himself to stand.
He had to use his arm to push himself up…and Alyssa helped to pull him to his feet and steady him as he grabbed the handle of the walker with his left hand.
The therapist was still holding on to the belt…and helping to support his right side.
He automatically looked down…to assure himself that the floor was actually there under his feet. And the therapist had to tell him to look up…to look straight ahead. He stood for about ten or fifteen seconds…and his legs felt like jelly.
They helped him back into bed after that…and he lay back against the pillows with his eyes shut tight. He didn't even pay attention to what the therapist was telling Alyssa about exercises and stretches he could do in bed to help build his legs back up.
When the therapist left the room Alyssa came back to his side and started to move the tray table into position so he could reach his water and the tissues and everything.
"Leave it." He said. "Put it out of the way."
"I just wanted to…"
"Well, don't!" he snapped.
Alyssa moved the tray like he asked. She knew he was frustrated and that the PT session had really discouraged him.
He'd never been hurt like this before. Sure…he'd had injuries…and surgeries…but the multiple injuries compounded…it was almost more than he could stand.
She sat down beside him and started to rub gentle circles across the back of his hand with the pad of her thumb.
"I can't do this." He whispered.
"It'll get easier, Kelly…I promise." She told him. "We're gonna get through this."
But he just looked away…only not before Alyssa read the look in his eyes. The anger, the disappointment, the hurt, the fear…they were all right there.
"How?" he asked bitterly. "How the hell are we gonna 'get through' this?"
"We will, Baby…I know it's hard…I understand…"
"Bullshit!" he spat out. "Nobody knows how I feel! Nobody can understand what it feels like! Don't even go there!"
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The charged words hung in the air…and Alyssa took her hand from his and quickly went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.
He realized as soon as the words left his mouth that if there was one person in this whole world that did understand…that knew what he was feeling…it was Alyssa. Hadn't she been through it? Hadn't she fought her way back?
The only difference was in all the time she was in the hospital…through all the therapies and the procedures…he never heard her say she couldn't do it. When he had held her hand and encouraged her to take just a couple more steps…she had looked up at him with tired eyes…but she did it.
"Lyssa!" he called out. "Lyssa, come out here!"
But the door stayed shut.
"Lyssa! Lyssa! I'm sorry! Come out here!"
Nothing…
Now what had he done?
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She finally came out…after the head nurse came in to see what he was yelling about. When she did, her eyes were red and swollen and her face was all splotchy. And the nurse asked if she was okay.
Alyssa just nodded…and quietly went back to Kelly's side.
"Lyssa…I…I didn't…" he stammered.
But she gently put her fingers to his lips…shushing him. She couldn't hear how sorry he was right now…that he didn't mean it. Otherwise she'd lose it all over again.
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That night he lay awake…the pain was starting to come back…and he didn't even want to think about how bad it would be if he didn't have that nerve block.
Alyssa was asleep…she was just exhausted. She had pulled the recliner right up next to the bed and she had curled her body into a tight little ball, her head resting against the edge of the bed. All he had to do was reach out and he could touch her.
He woke her…and she uncurled herself from the knot she was tied in. She stretched and then she moved to sit beside him on the bed.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I need something…" he said.
He wasn't lying. But he could have just pushed the pain button himself…but he wanted to talk to her…to finish what they started earlier.
Lyssa groped around for the button and pressed it…releasing a dose of morphine into his IV.
He reached for her hand. It was killing him not to be able to hold her…to feel her head against his shoulder…to wrap his arms around her and tangle his fingers in her long hair.
"Is this what it was like? For you?" he asked in a quiet voice, barely above a whisper. "How did you do it?"
Lyssa's heart was breaking for him…
"Kelly…"
"You're stronger than I am…" he said. "I don't know how I'm gonna get through this."
"I was strong because you were there. You were there, helping me, encouraging me, and even though you hadn't said it…I felt like you were loving me." She told him. "We'll get through this, Baby. Just the same way we did when it was me…together."
