Chapter 16
"Alyssa!" Kelly called. "Alyssa!
'Where the hell was she?' He wondered. He'd been calling for for about five minutes.
It sucked that he'd been home almost a month now and for the most part, he was no better than the day he got out of the hospital. It was frustrating…every day he went to some kind of therapy, either PT or Occupational therapy. Either that or he went to a doctor's appointment. Some days, it was both. But he didn't feel like he was getting any better…any stronger. He felt like he was just spinning his wheels.
He still needed Alyssa to help him with everything. She had to help him get up, she had to help him lay down, to change positions…whatever. She had to dress him, cut his food, fix his toothbrush…
She had to walk beside him…and guard him in the stairs…or in the bathroom.
Granted, if he hadn't refused all those adaptive things they kept pushing at the hospital, maybe a few things would be easier. But all that stuff…the 'sock aide' and the 'long handled shoehorn' and the stretchy shoelaces…no fucking way, thank you very much. That stuff was for old people…the same with the walker. He didn't want his kids to see him like that!
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But was it so much better for them like this? Having to watch their mom do everything for him? Not being able to go anywhere…because he refused to use a wheelchair for longer distances? Not to be able to do stuff with them? He hadn't been to a single one of Andy and Jesse's baseball games…or their practices.
He had missed the awards ceremony at school…and field day. Hollywood had gone with a camera man to get it on film so Kelly could see it.
And Alyssa had missed everything too…because he needed her all the time.
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He got into an absolutely unholy battle with Shay over it when she had tried to persuade him to cut Alyssa some slack. That was the night of the Award Ceremony…
"The boys should have at least one of their parents there!" she said.
"C'mon…they'll prob'ly have more people there than anybody!"
It was true. At least half the firehouse would be there…Casey, Mills, Dawson, Chief…Mouch was going, because Jesse was getting an award for an essay Mouch had helped him write. Vargas was going…both the boys were getting Presidential Fitness Awards…and Andy had set new records for sit-ups, chin-ups and the long jump for the primary grades.
His dad would be there, along with Alyssa's parents…Kelly was still trying to wrap his head around that one…
"It's not the same!" Leslie argued. "There's no reason for Lyssa not to be there! I can stay here with you and Maggie."
"Forget it, Shay!"
"You gotta give her a break, Kelly. Can't you see how exhausted she is?"
"I'm sorry…" he spat at her. "It's not like this is some kind of picnic for me either, you know! You think I like having to ask my wife for every little thing?"
Leslie huffed in frustration.
He could be soooo….hard-headed it was ridiculous.
"It's not like you don't have a million people to help you! I've offered…I don't know how many times... to stay with you so she can…"
"No, Shay!" he shouted. "What part of that don't you understand?"
She tried to appeal to his sense of reason…
"Kelly…I'm your best friend. You know that. I've known you for like…twenty years! I used to live with you, for God's sake!"
"I don't care! I'm not gonna ask even my best friend to help me to the bathroom…or to wipe my ass!"
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In the end Shay had just thrown up her hands in frustration and stalked out of the room…leaving Kelly to sulk on the couch.
Actually…he was fuming. Did Shay think he liked this? He was just as frustrated…no, pissed off…as anyone. Even more than anyone.
He'd been injured on the job before…he'd done rehab after his neck surgery…and twice now with his knee. And he'd never made such... slow progress! It was the rib injuries…and the place where the chest tube had been. Even three months later…his right side especially was so tender. He had scars now…almost as bad as Alyssa's were…where they had opened him up that first night. He had wires holding two lower ribs together…they were completely broken…and that's what had punctured his lung. And the chest tube…it had been almost a foot long and stuck in his side for two weeks.
The pain management specialist had to repeat that nerve block about four or five times. It had been about two weeks now since he'd had one…and he really wanted it to stop.
His arm was still weak. He couldn't squeeze anything harder than a soft squeezie ball. He couldn't lift more than five pounds with it. Most of the time he still wore the sling. It kept the arm from getting too tired…but more importantly it helped guard his ribs.
He could walk around the house without that cane. But he had to stop every few feet…and Alyssa had to be there in case he lost his balance.
It took almost five minutes to climb the stairs to the bedroom. He could see why they had suggested at the hospital that he rent a hospital bed and stay on the one floor. But again…no way. He didn't want to have to look at that…let alone the kids.
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This was probably harder on Maggie than anyone. Now Daddy was home and she could see him everyday…but he never picked her up and swung her around till she giggled. He never snuggled her close. And he never took her for story time or for Maggie Cheesy at Uncle Pete's diner.
He didn't get down on the floor and play with her. Instead he laid on the couch and most of the time Mommy was right next to him.
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"Alyssa!" he called again.
What the hell? He knew she was in the house. Morgan had taken the kids all the way out to Brookfield Zoo to see some dinosaur exhibit…and to see the dolphins…and knowing Hollywood he prob'ly brought someone along to film the whole thing.
But where was Lyssa? He thought about it…he'd seen her go upstairs…
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He grit his teeth together to keep from screaming as he turned onto his left side. It was still a little tender too…but nothing compared to the right. Then he could use his good arm to help push him up into a sitting position.
He had just worked on that the other day in PT.
Once he was sitting he braced himself to try and stand. He had to slide over on the couch until he got to the arm rest…then he was able to get himself to his feet.
Just that much had tired him. But he made his way over to the entertainment console…then the rest of the way to the stairs. With his left hand on the new railing Casey had put up along the inside wall, he climbed the steps one at a time.
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Finally…he made it to the top…and then started to his bedroom.
The door was closed…that was unusual. Unless he was in there sleeping…the door was always open during the day.
It wasn't locked…he half expected it might be…but the room was empty.
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He headed toward the bathroom. That door was closed too. Again, weird. Unless Lyssa was helping him shower…
He heard a sound as he approached the door. He stopped outside it, his hand resting on the knob.
It sounded like crying.
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He opened the door…and there was Alyssa.
"Lyssa…didn't you hear me? I've been calling you for five minutes…"
He stopped short when he saw her leaning against the counter…water running…
She took the washcloth from her face and their eyes met in the mirror.
She'd been crying…and she was trying to hide it from him.
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"Lys…what's goin' on?" he asked as he took a few steps closer to her, and laid his left hand on her shoulder, turning her to face him.
"Nothing…" she said quickly…shutting off the water and going through the motions of trying to spread the cloth out to dry.
"Bullshit." He said. "What's goin' on?"
Alyssa drew in a ragged breath and wiped her hands on the hand towel hanging on the towel bar.
"Alyssa? C'mon…it's just me."
She slowly looked up at him.
It was just him…standing there…looking down at her…those beautiful blue eyes, so tender, so gentle.
"I'm sorry, Baby." She said softly. "I heard you…I was just…trying to get cleaned up. I didn't want you to see this."
"Why not? I'm still your husband…"
"I know you are…and I love you. But you've got enough on your plate without me having a meltdown…"
"I just wanna know why." He said, gently stroking one finger along her cheek. "Are you okay?"
She nodded…a little anyway…
"I'm just…tired…I'm worried. About you…about the kids…I feel like I'm neglecting them…"
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Alyssa had barely left his side for the past three…three and a half months. He could count on one hand the number of times she hadn't slept in the chair next to his bed while he was in the hospital. And he'd still have a couple fingers left over. Even though they had meals prepared by Ingrid Mills, and Jeanne Craddock…and now Alyssa's mom…she was cooking his favorites…trying to get his strength up. She massaged his shoulder and did the range of motion exercises for his arm with him…hell, for him…four times a day. And even though he fought her and whined like an obnoxious child…she'd hold the pillow to splint his ribs and make him do his deep breathing exercises. She massaged and stretched his legs so he wouldn't get blood clots from inactivity.
All the things she did for him…had he even said 'thank-you' recently? He sure couldn't remember.
Even though he was going through all this…she was right there with him. And he knew he couldn't do it without her.
He used his good arm to draw her in. Carefully, she stepped closer to him and slipped her arms around his waist. He brought her head against his chest…and he tangled his fingers in her hair. He hadn't done that in months. He kissed the top of her head…and inhaled the scent of her lemon scented shampoo.
Holding her like this…even though his arm was still folded in the sling…and she wasn't hugging him tight like she normally would…it was the first time since all this shit had happened that he felt normal again.
