Hidden treasure part 4
Face knew sooner or later he was going to be called back on active duty.
During the two weeks he spent with Hannibal – not counting the week the Colonel spent in the hospital – Face's mind was too busy worrying about the older man and his needs and grieving over Miller's death to think about the future. After the confrontation with Hannibal, apart from the fact that he had admitted he was in love with him - and Face was grateful to God for that - the older man was able to help Face to regain his trust in himself.
Hannibal had explained things very clearly and Face understood he was right. As always, when the Colonel spoke, Face could do nothing but do as he was ordered. And Hannibal had been clear: if Face wanted to honor Miller's death, mourning him wasn't the right way. No, he had to get back on the horse.
So now he was sat in the General's tent, listening to his orders, taking notes mentally of things to check before the new mission. Because Hannibal was still recovering, Morrison decided to assign Face the command of the operation. Of course Murdock had the task of giving them air cover in case it was needed and BA was involved too along with other four well experienced guys.
The night before the mission, though, Face couldn't sleep. Hannibal found the younger man in the sitting room, facing the window but not really looking out.
"Face, you ok?" he asked.
The LT shrugged his shoulders in reply.
"Are you nervous about the mission?"
Face hated to appear vulnerable and weak in front of others and mostly in front of Hannibal. But the Colonel was able to read him like an open book and he was absolutely right: he wasn't exactly nervous, he was terrified.
"Yeah, maybe," he admitted in a low voice, not wanting the older man to notice how much it trembled .
"You know you can tell me anything, don't you?" Hannibal asked again.
"I know, thanks." Face managed to whisper back.
"But you're not going to let me in, are you?"
Face, who was tired and emotionally exhausted, felt on the verge of tears. All he wanted to do was to call the General and tell him to assign the mission to another officer, that he couldn't do what he was asked and who knows when he would be able to. He just wanted to be with Hannibal, let the older man comfort him and tell him everything was alright, that he was not alone. And at the same time he hated himself for that. He was an officer of the US Army, a Ranger for crying out loud! He was trained to be the perfect soldier despite the fear, despite the pain, despite the way he was feeling.
"Look, Hannibal, there's nothing to talk about," he lied miserably.
"Then why are you awake in the middle of the night when you should be resting with me, in our bed? Come on, baby, let me help you," the Colonel asked, his voice soft and gentle.
Face didn't know if he could hold on any longer.
"Hannibal, please. I just need to be alone right now. Can you leave me alone?" he asked, hoping for once that Hannibal would do as he was asked.
"No, Face. I can't do that!"
The younger man didn't know if it was the gentle tone or the pity that he read in his lover's eyes that made him furious. If some minutes earlier he was a lifeless shell, now he was a bundle of energy and found it impossible to stay still.
"Geez, Hannibal, why do you always have to patronize me? How the hell do you know what I'm thinking about right now? What fucking right do you have to control my life?" he shouted.
Hannibal didn't react. Sat in his wheelchair, he simply watched the younger man, waiting for his anger to pass.
"Oh, Hannibal, please. Don't just stay there and watch me like I've lost my mind!"
But Hannibal didn't play along and remained silent.
"Are you trying to drive me nuts? You said you want me to talk to you, well I'm talking now!" Face explained, his tone a little calmer this time.
"Are you nervous about the mission?" the Colonel asked again.
"Yes, I admit it! I'm nervous about the mission. Are you happy now?" Face cried out in misery and frustration.
"Face, baby, don't…"
"Don't 'Face baby' me, Hannibal, please! I don't need that right now!"
"Then tell me what you do need. Please?"
Face sighed. He really didn't know how to explain himself to the older man.
"Hannibal, John… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you. It's not your fault, I just can't help thinking something bad is gonna happen." Alright, he had said it. He had admitted his worst fear in front of his commanding officer. Now what? How angry would Hannibal be?
Instead of getting angry, Hannibal's expression softened at the confession.
"You know it's just the panic, do you, Face?" he asked.
Face didn't reply, he couldn't find his voice. God, he was such a coward. Of course Hannibal was ashamed of him.
"There's nothing wrong in feeling the way you're feeling. Please believe that! You think I had never had a panic attack?" The Colonel asked.
Face was now watching him in disbelief. Was it possible that Hannibal, the fabulous Colonel Smith, had had a panic attack? No, he was just trying to make him feel better by telling him what he wanted to hear.
"You don't have to do that, you know!" he snapped angrily.
"Do what, Face? What am I doing?" Hannibal asked earnestly.
"Lying to me in order to make me feel better. I don't deserve it, Hannibal. God, I don't know how you can still look at me. Maybe I should just resign and leave my place to a better soldier!"
"Now, wait a minute. Why are you saying that?"
"Because… because all I can do right now is think about the mission and being afraid of everything. How am I supposed to command the operations if I can barely breath?"
"You need to relax, baby."
"Hannibal, you don't understand. I am not the same person I was three weeks ago. I think I've lost my cool head," the LT admitted tiredly. A lone tear slid down his smooth cheek.
Hannibal felt his heart break into a million pieces to see his wonderful boy so depressed.
"Nobody expects you to bounce back to your usual self like nothing had ever happened. You just have to give it time, honey. And I am not ashamed of you, as I know you think. On the contrary, I have never been so proud of you, Face."
The younger man was now watching his lover with tears in his eyes.
"I would understand if you wanted to resign, now. But I know you won't do it. And I know it because we are very much alike, baby. We're fighters, we're survivors."
Face was now smiling. Someway, Hannibal's words touched his heart and he felt all his love and affection. And it was a wonderful sensation.
"Would you put your life in my hands again, John? Would you trust me that much?" he asked in a small voice.
"Always, Temp. Without hesitation." The Colonel replied seriously.
Feeling a ghost of a smile parting his lips, Face let his lover engulf him in his arms.
"If you ever feel like talking again, baby, I want you to come to me. Next time, I want you to come to me before you get all stressed out about something. Promise me, baby." Hannibal murmured sweetly in Face's ear.
And Face did. He promised. Because he himself trusted Hannibal with his life and if the Colonel had faith in him, well he wasn't going to hold back from facing his responsibilities.
And of course the mission was a success. Both BA and Murdock were enthusiastic about Face's plan and everything went smoothly.
TBC
