I watched Castiel recoiled in his seat, taking a few breaths as he sifted through the memories and let them fully integrate themselves in his consciousness. "Why… Why would you make me forget?" He finally asked. He didn't sound angry, which was good. He just sounded confused.
"I was still scared." I admitted. "And I didn't want you to come to see me as a monster. I figured that if I just had you remember a dead fiancée," I shook my head. "It was a stupid decision, but Sam hated me and I thought I had just sent Dean to be a suicide bomber and I was so certain that the only thing I had left was to watch you grow to hate me too." There it was, all out in the open. Why I had made my choice. Why I hadn't come forwards till now. "But if you can't forgive me for what I did, I understand." I said, lowering my head. "It was absolutely stupid and a complete violation of your rights and I just assumed that things wouldn't work out and I hated myself every day for, well, a lot of reasons." I felt like such an idiot, but I hadn't known what else to do at the time. I had just been…
Scared.
But scared wasn't an excuse for what I'd done.
Castiel didn't say anything, just sat there, thinking. I couldn't do it, though. I couldn't sit there and wait for the anger.
But I didn't know whether or not it would be anger. Assuming had gotten me in to this mess the last time, and I didn't want to do it again. I took a deep breath, steadying myself. "If you want me to leave, or… hate me now for the choice I made, I won't hold it against you." I said. "I'll return Sam and Dean's memories to them and I'll leave. You…" I sighed, my head sinking lower. "You won't have to see me again, if you don't want."
"Why would I want that?" He finally spoke, making me raise my head. He sounded almost outraged by the thought. "I thought you were dead. I thought I killed you. I…" He scrubbed his hand down his face for a moment. "Kylie, I agonized every day over what I believed to be a fact, that I had been the cause of your death. I spoke to your grave. I cried and apologized and blindly chased down Lucifer because I wasn't certain how else to live with what I thought I had done? Everything I told you about moving on, and trying to 'get over' you?" He asked, shaking his head. "I believe the word you would use is 'bullshit.' Complete and utter bullshit. I could never get over you, Kylie." He reached across the table, grasping my hands tightly. "I love you. I have never been in love before, but it is such a powerful emotion within me that I know I will never feel a love like this again."
I started crying as he kept speaking, not out of sorrow though – out of genuine relief and happiness. "I'm not angry or upset at what you did. I forgive you for it entirely, because it doesn't matter to me. You made a choice, yes. It is one I wish you hadn't chosen, also yes." He pursed his lips for a second, his head tilting in that way that only he could. "But you still made it, and you made it not out of hate or anger or spite, but out of fear and what I'm certain were good intentions. It's not something that we can change, only something we can move forwards with." I shook my head, unable to believe what I was hearing.
"How can you forgive me?" I asked. "I… I messed with your head. I let you believe I was dead."
"I could've asked you the same thing, so many times." He responded. "How could you have forgiven me for leaving you alone and in danger for years? How could you have forgiven me for not being able to save you? How could you have forgiven me for being such a fool, for attacking you and leaving you and just…" He paused, looking at his own hands for a moment. "I've made so many mistakes, I have failed so many times… failed you more than many would've been willing to put up with. So, if you can forgive me through all of that…" He smiled, kind and happy and earnest as he looked at me. "Then I can forgive you of altering my memories."
"Thank you." It came out as a whisper, and I could feel more tears falling. I pulled one of my hands away, looking down to wipe at my eyes. "Sorry. You know how much I hate doing this." I muttered, shaking my head. Castiel was patient, though, and waited until I was done.
"So, what else do you want to know?" I finally asked, once I was certain my voice was mostly normal. Castiel didn't miss a beat with the question he asked me.
"What's your favorite spell?"
"What?"
"You use magic." He stated. "And you're quite good at it. What's your favorite sort of spell or charm?" I thought about it, remembering an exercise I had created for myself when I was still training.
"Watch this." I said, looking over at the books. I could see the nonfictions, just barely. I focused hard, summoning an easy one. Alice in Wonderland.
I withdrew my other hand from Castiel's own to catch said book, handing it to him afterwards. "Pick a page." I offered. He went along with it, skimming a few different sections before finally handing it to me. I glanced over it myself. It was the part about the carpenter and the walrus and the oysters. This would be easy.
I pushed my chair back, and did my best to sit criss-cross in it as I read aloud from the book. As I did, I could just… feel it coming to life, in front of me with flames of my own creation. Once I was done, I settled back comfortably in my chair, and sent the book back to it's place in the stacks as Castiel continued to watch the flames that still hovered in front of me. They had changed now, though. Instead of telling more stories, they had changed to form his face, smiling back at him. With a flick of my wrist, they changed in to a pair of wings that flew high up to the ceiling before exploding in to sparks. Castiel's gaze slowly moved from the show to me again.
"Fire is my favorite in general." I admitted. "I kinda like being able to take something that's considered destructive and just make it not, you know?"
"It's wonderful." He complimented. "It's absolutely wonderful."
We talked for hours, just learning what the other had been doing. I learned about his search for Kelly that had yet to prove itself fruitful, his attempts in hunting, exactly how much he had loathed working with Crowley, and what he called "things that he had never told me but had promised he would if I was still alive," (his words, not mine, but each word that came from him was as kind as he always was). He was even up front about Billie and what happened, which hurt to talk about, but was a good thing to work through. In turn, I told him as much as I could about my work with the Men of Letters and what I'd done in London, how I came to be a witch now, and about, well, everything.
"So…" He furrowed his brows. "You had a hellhound… for a pet?" He'd seen Karma, I knew, but it was still confusing to him.
"Yeah." I couldn't help but feel sorrowful at that. "She… She's dead now. Ramiel got her."
"I'm sorry."
"She was a good girl." I responded. "She did exactly as she was supposed to, and defended us." I didn't really want to say much more on it. Karma was dead. There wasn't much of a point in saying more.
"And your… abilities…" He thought for a second. "They stem partially from the angelic grace inside of you? The one I detected that was mine?"
"Yes," I needed to ask. I had to tell him. I had to know, to open up the last box. "But there's a catch I learned that comes with it." Castiel watched my face, understanding.
"You met Lily Sunders." He said. "You know what the effects of using angelic magic are on a human."
"Yeah." I nodded with it. "I just… I don't know what to do with it. I haven't… looked, to see if it's killing my soul or not. I've been afraid to, and it's not exactly something I can do on my own. I want you to do it." I said the words rushed, but I was proud of myself for saying them. "I need to know the truth. I need to know so that I can be aware of what I'm doing."
"You want me to touch your soul." He said. I nodded.
"I want to know what it's doing to me, and what the consequences of me… being me… are."
"You…" He thought more. "You like what you do, don't you? You like the magic, and what you can do with it." I nodded.
"I feel good about it." I explained. "I feel like I'm finally making a difference, and a good one, like I'm finally not just a useless human anymore. If I can keep doing what I'm doing…" I smiled a little. "I'm doing good things for good people, but if it's going to turn me in to a soulless monster…" I shook my head. "I need to know. I can't hide from my fears forever."
Castiel sat for a while, thinking about this. "You want me to look at your soul," he summarized. "To see whether or not the choice you made is hurting you."
"I need to know the consequences of my actions." I decided, my voice firm.
"Kylie, if I do this, it's going to hurt." He said. "And I don't want to hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt you."
"Just do it." I said.
"But it's my grace that is in you."
"So?"
"So… What if my grace is hurting you?" He asked. "I feel as though… I'm still hurting you."
"I made my choice." I argued. "I didn't know what would happen, but I made my choices, and I don't think that you've hurt me in any way from my own decisions. And if," I gulped a little. "If it's tearing away pieces of my soul, which we don't know for sure and won't know until we look, then… We'll figure it out from there."
"You really want this, don't you?" I nodded.
"I'm tired of hiding from possibilities that scare me." I stated. "It's time I bucked up." Castiel paused for a few moments before nodding.
"Before I do this, I want to ask a question first." He said. I could agree to that. "What do we do now? With us, I mean. I… I still love you, and I'd like to believe that you feel the same for me."
"I think…" I shook my head. "I don't want to rush back in to anything. I love you," that seemed to make him look a little relieved. "But a lot of things have changed. We both have changed. I think it would be a bad idea if we just pretended nothing HAD changed and tried to go back to the way things were, you know?"
"So what do we do?" I looked at him when he said that, someone I used to know completely and utterly, without any doubts as to whether I would be right or not. I used to know him so well…
Then again, he could probably say the same thing for me.
"I still want you in my life." I said. "And if it's alright, I think I'd like to get to know who you are now."
"I'm not that different from who I was."
"But I still am." I responded. "I'm not at all the same person that you knew." He cocked his head to the side, raising his hand slowly to run his fingers down my face.
"Your eyes are the same." He said. "But you are right, you have changed in many ways. I can see the reasoning in not just continuing where we left off."
"Is it alright if we start small?" I asked. "Tea and a hunt or something? Just… feel the waters, see what happens?" Castiel smiled at that.
"For you, and the chance to be around you again, I would agree to anything." He answered. I let out a sigh of relief. I had been so certain, for so long, that he would see me like this and decide I wasn't worth anything anymore; that I wasn't a person he could be around or love anymore. But here, now…
Castiel had changed. He had grown a little.
An angel, something that's supposed to be immortal and eternal and unaltering, changing over time. Isn't life grand?
"Thank you." I said, taking a deep breath. I stood, squaring my shoulders. "OK. Let's get it over with now, and then we can move on to something else."
"Are you absolutely certain that this is what you want?" Castiel asked, rising as well. I shrugged.
"I don't want it, but I need to know anyways." I answered. He loosened his tie, handing it to me. I stared at it for a second.
"This… will hurt more than you think." He said. I understood immediately, and folded up the article until it was thick enough to bite down on and muffle a scream. I stared at the tie, pursing my lips a little before I spoke.
"You ready?" I asked, looking up at him.
"Are you?"
"Fair enough." I took one last deep breath, then shoved the makeshift gag into my mouth. Cas didn't waste time either, for his credit. He gave me one more bittersweet smile, putting one hand in to my hair. With the other…
It hurt less than a witchbag, I'll give it that much, but only by the smallest of margins. I howled in pain against the cloth in my mouth, clenching my fists in to tight balls as I fought to not react with magic.
But the second it started, it was over, and Castiel was helping take his tie out of my mouth. I coughed a little, shaking my head. "Remind me to never ask about doing that again." I muttered, wiping a hand across my forehead. I was surprised to see the sweat that coated it when I removed said hand. Cas pushed a stray strand of hair from my face, not quite meeting my eyes just yet. "What did you learn?" I asked.
"Your soul…" He focused from the hair to me. "It's complete, but made of two separate parts."
"What does that mean?"
"The angel grace has bonded completely with you." He explained. "As long as there is a small part of it inside of you, you will never die, your body will age at an extremely slower rate if at all, and by almost all rights and definitions, you should technically be considered a… a Nephilim."
"But I'm not." I furrowed my brows at that. "I wasn't born like this, it just kind of happened and… you said almost." I wasn't certain how to feel about that. "What's the almost?"
"It may be bonded with you," he explained. "But it can also still be removed from you. If that happens, a part of your soul really will be missing, then. You will become fully human, and any other side effects would be indeterminate until that point."
"So what you're saying is, if I lose the grace, I'll die."
"No, I don't know what would happen." He responded. "Just nothing good."
"As long as it's not killing me now," I said, pushing a smile on to my face. "Then I think I can live with being mostly immortal."
"Kylie, you still don't understand." He said. "You could easily be considered Nephilim. My brothers… They would kill you if they made that distinction."
"But why?" I shook my head. "Nephilim, they aren't bad. They're just people."
"The oldest laws in Heaven mandate it." He responded. "A Nephilim is too powerful. It can wreak havoc and destruction on worlds. They are supposed to be killed on site."
"So… what's going to happen to me then?"
"Nothing." Castiel's voice was firm and determined. "Nothing is going to happen to you. I will not allow them to do anything."
"Cas, if it comes to it," I started to stay, but he cut me off quickly.
"There was a time when you asked me to not request that we prepare for a life without each other," he said. "And I've already had to experience what that life would be like. Do not try and tell me that it would be an alright way to live. Do not tell me to stand passively by." He shook his head. "I can't… I'm not strong enough to do it again. I can't do it again."
"OK." I said. "Then I just won't die." I said the words quite simply, as if I hadn't already died once and a half, if you counted everyone THINKING I was dead. "I think that sounds agreeable, don't you?" Cas looked almost surprised at how calmly I said the words. I shrugged. "What? If all I have to do is not die, then I just won't die."
"You make it sound quite easy," he commented. "As though humans are not so fragile."
"Says the angel that has died how many times, exactly?" I countered. He looked away, maybe just a little embarrassed by my point. "Yeah. I've got one and a half in comparison to your, what, at least 3 times?" I smiled. "I may be halfway there, but for a human I've still proven myself to be pretty damn resourceful."
He shook his head, smiling a little himself as he turned back to look at me. "I missed you." He finally said. "So, so much."
"I missed you too." I replied.
