Dean and Sam came back a day or so later, and we talked. Castiel was there beside me when I gave them back their memories, and waited for the flurry of questions to start.
Sam was the one who spoke first. "You…" He stopped for a second. "I…"
"I'm sorry." I said. "I should never have done this to you both in the first place."
"I was an ass." Sam responded, looking over at his brother. "You were too. And you…" Sam stared back at me.
"You worked with Crowley to help us." Dean stated. "You hate Crowley."
"Hated." I corrected. "Now I kind of work with him. He's… A partner I guess." I shrugged.
"And, what, you just decided that we would be better off without you?" Dean asked.
"Dean," Castiel's voice was cautioning, but Dean kept going.
"How could you think that?!" He asked. "We grieved you. We called Mrs. Tran and to tell her you were dead. Kylie," he shook his head. "How could you think that?"
"Look at your own memories." I said. "I thought I wasn't wanted."
"You're our family." Sam said. "You've saved us before and helped us and gotten us farther than we would've been on our own. Of course we want you here."
"I'll be honest, you as a witch isn't exactly something that will be easy to get used to," Dean admitted. "But you're here. You're using it to help fight the good fight. Hell, I met a brother and sister witch that use their stuff to hunt. Why should I think you can't do the same?"
"You…" I had been hoping for an outcome like this, but hadn't actually expected it. "You're not mad?"
"I'm not happy with the whole Bourne Identity moment," Dean said. That was understandable. "But at the same time, Sammy's right." He clapped his brother on the shoulder. "We're family. And at this point, that kind of just means accepting what's coming, I think." I let out a huge sigh of relief, running to give both of them a hug.
I had my family again.
Sam clapped me on the back, whereas as Dean gave a gruff "yeah, yeah, no chick flick moments here," before doing the same. I laughed after I pulled away, smiling at the both of them. "So," Sam said, putting his hands out palms up, as if giving me the floor. "What have you been up to recently, I guess?"
"Where do you want me to start?"
"After Amara." Dean decided. "What were you doing then?"
"I… I thought you were dead," I pointed at Dean with that. "So I kind of ran off, hid. I promised Kevin I'd tell his mom he went to Heaven, and I told her I was still alive. She took me in and helped me go to college."
"You went to college?" Sam asked. I nodded.
"Flathead Valley Community College," I raised a hand up in a small fist for a second. "Go Eagles."
"Why college?" Dean asked.
"I wanted to experience what life was like, real life outside of hunting." I explained. "Mrs. Tran helped me figure things out and get in. I was just trying to see what it would be like, in a normal life." I hung my head a little bit. "I wish Mrs. Tran was here. She was rooting for me to come back, I think."
"What happened to her?" Sam's question.
"Car crash." I stated, my voice hollow. "While we were after Lucifer. I didn't hear about it until it was too late." I smiled a little bit. "She's in heaven, with Kevin."
"That's good." Sam agreed. "All of that is good and… strangely normal." He thought for a moment. "Why did you stop?"
"Crowley called." I laughed. "Actually, he showed up in the middle of one of my psychology classes. Told me I was wasting my time and talent there and enlisted me to help find Lucifer. He was the one that told me you were alive." I looked over at Dean. "I'm really glad that that ended up being the case, by the way."
"Yeah, me too." He agreed. "So Crowley calls on you to find Lucifer, and you do," I nodded. "And, what? You just abandon college?"
"No." I shook my head. "I stayed with Crowley for a little bit, trying to help him. That's how I had Karma," I hung my head for a minute. "She was a gift from Crowley, since I'd come back to help him. It was kind of nice, having her, but it was just more proof I refused to see that trying to live a normal life wasn't quite in the cards for me." I took a small breath. "I finished out the semester, if that's what you were wondering. Split from Crowley after he joined up with Cas, and tried to go back and to things normally." I remembered that lack of control I'd had, when I'd gone back again. "Then Tommy called, and after that, I was kind of in. Lucifer knew me, knew my aliases, and I doubt would've left me be after I tried to go after him twice. Then when he gave me up…" They knew parts of the rest. Nobody said anything for a bit, but from the looks on Dean and Sam's faces, they weren't proud of themselves.
"We weren't certain what to think." Sam tried. "We had just gone through almost a year of thinking you were dead, and then seeing you there, in front of us, so different… You looked like an actual witch for a moment, full of a lot of mojo. You zapped Cas and Kelly away like it was nothing, just going around like it was all normal, and," he wasn't certain how to continue from there, but Dean was.
"We didn't know who or what you were, for a moment." Dean clarified. "All we knew was that you had been dead for a year, and that as far as we knew you wouldn't try to hide from us if that was wrong. We didn't know or remember. We just…"
"We didn't handle it well." Sam finished. "We acted like assholes and pointed guns at you when we should've been happy to see you, even if you'd been hiding from us for a while."
"So what were you doing after that?" Dean asked. "More hiding? More buddy/buddy team-up with Crowley?"
"Not quite." This was where I had to be careful. I knew that Sam and Dean didn't know about their mother's involvement with the Men of Letters, as well as why (Mary had explained their disdain for the group to me). I hadn't told Cas about Mary's work either, I'd promised her it would be her job to say. "If I tell you, you have to promise to be more open-minded about it."
"What's up?" Sam asked. I pursed my lips together, taking a glance over at Cas. He had taken it extremely well. Maybe Sam and Dean would too.
"I've been working." I said. "For the Men of Letters."
Instantly, their faces soured. "No." Dean said, shaking his head. "There's no way. Not those douche-wads."
"Kylie," Sam's hands fell hard on to his lap. "Do you know what kinds of people they are? Do you know what they do?"
"They gave me a home." I said. "When you guys held guns up to me. They gave me somewhere I could continue to learn and grow, when you guys would've rather me stopped altogether. Do you know what abstaining from magic does to me?" I remembered the scratches. Deep. Ugly. Painful. Cutting themselves in to my skin of their own volition. "It's like having a bomb inside of me. If I don't keep up and let the energy out, it'll kill me." I hadn't told Castiel that part. He looked surprised, if not a little angry himself. "The Men of Letters offered me the chance to do that, and keep getting better. I can protect people now. I can heal them. I've done amazing things you wouldn't have even imagined!" I put my hand on the table, pushing out images and memories. Playing catch with Karma. Upgrading wardings. Trapping and moving the nuckelavee. Just… everything I'd gotten better at through my short time in London.
Each memory appeared on the table, through my point of view, and the brothers watched. They watched me smile as T.J. pulled a candle out of a ball of water, still lit. They watched as I went around testing for flaws in their security. They watched as I enjoyed every aspect of my work.
I pulled my hand away, and the memories faded from the table. "I couldn't do that a few months ago." I said. "I couldn't do anything you two saw without their help."
"That doesn't change the fact that they're monsters. Have you seen what they do people?" Sam rolled up the side of his shirt, showing me burn marks I hadn't ever seen before etched in to where each rib would be. They were long, and those scars would never heal. "Toni Bevell's work." He explained.
"Bevell is a bitch and a monster," I agreed. "But she is not like the rest of them. I work with Ketch and Mick one-on-one, and they're some of the kindest and most devoted people I've met." Ketch was smart, single-minded in his work, whereas Mick was intelligent and always seeking out every last bit of information he could to aid him.
In all honesty, they almost mirrored Sam and Dean.
"They're good people." I said. "They took me in, just like you two did, when I had nowhere else to go."
"You could've come home." Dean stated. "You have a family, right here. You have Cas." I let out a short snort of air.
"Try telling that to the guns I had pointed at me." I responded. "And the hatred that you two consistently responded with." They didn't respond. "Now, I'm doing good work. I actually have some of that work I need to get back to," it was true. I'd been gone for longer than I should've. I needed to get back to Project V. I could see Cas look visibly startled at the mention of me leaving. "But it's good work."
"If it's so good, why can't you tell us?" Sam asked.
"It's protocol to not share sensitive information with anyone who is not directly involved." I responded. "They have a knack for secrecy too, you know."
"Yeah." Dean scoffed. "So do you. Seems like you fit in just fine."
"Dean," Cas interjected, his voice holding a note of caution.
"What? How can you accept this?" He asked in response, motioning to me. "She's working with the guys that beat our asses, that SHOT and TORTURED Sam."
"Because it's those same guys that helped us defeat Lucifer and helped me find the two of you." He responded. "And because Kylie is alive, Dean. You have done anything and everything to get your brother back, the both of you have." Castiel looked between the two of them. "And you would throw Kylie out for doing what she could to survive and find a home again."
"We're gonna need time." Dean finally said. "To process all of this. Kylie being back and… working for the Brits."
"Are you saying you want me to go again?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, that's not what we're saying." Sam said. "What we're saying is that we just need time to comprehend these new changes and just sort through all these memories we just got."
"We're saying we need time." Dean stated. "That's all. We just need time."
"How long do you need?" I wanted to ask that question, but Castiel beat me to the punch. He stood firm beside me, as stoic and strong as, well, an avenging angel.
"We don't know, Cas." Dean said. "Just… time." I nodded.
"I think I'm gonna go, then." I said. "I… I guess I'll take some time to think too, keep working."
"No." Cas argued. "Nobody is going anywhere." He looked around at all of us. "You are all my family. You are all people that I care about, and you're leaving each other?" He looked appalled by the idea. "You're finally all together, and you're just going to throw it all away?"
"We're not doing that, Cas." I assured him, putting a comforting hand on his arm. "We're just… Adjusting, I guess." I took a glance over at Sam and Dean. "To a lot of things."
I composed myself, hiding any anger or hurt. They knew I was alive. They knew I was working with the Men of Letters. They knew as much as I could tell them. I just had to hope that they would come around and that, well…
Like Cas said, we were a family too. I just wanted my family back. My whole family.
I didn't really bring anything with me when I came, so I had nothing to take when I left. I walked outside, retaining a small shred of being a little less, well, witchy.
It's not the witch they have a problem with, though. I could almost hear my mom's voice speaking reason in the back of my head. It's what you're doing with it and for whom. They'll come around eventually.
"Kylie!" Castiel followed me, desperation in his voice. "Don't. Please."
"Cas," I didn't get a chance to speak. He kept going.
"I just got you back." He said. "I don't want to lose you again. I can't lose you again. Please," he gripped my hands tightly. "Please, don't leave without me. I want to be with you, to make sure that you are safe and…" And that you don't die for real this time.
The truth was, though, that I didn't want to leave him either. I missed him. I loved him. But at the same time, I had to finish what I'd started.
"I still have a job." I said softly. "I want to be with you too. I want to live with you again. I want to smile and laugh with you. I don't want to leave." I had a small plan forming. "But I have to finish out this assignment. I've put a lot of work in to it and, honestly," I smiled a bit. "I want to see it succeed. We're doing good things. Big things." Castiel only gripped my hands tighter.
"But what about us?" He asked. "What about… starting over? Being together? Living together and laughing and smiling together like you said?"
"I have to finish this first." I said. "But… afterwards…" I had it. I had a possibility. "I could ask for reassignment afterwards. I'd have to tell them about Kelly, but… I could do it." I nodded. "They already have information about it in general, but nobody is tracking it." I'd checked it out in my first two weeks, seeing if they knew about the Nephilim in general. "I could definitely do it. I could ask to work with you on finding Kelly, and even get us some better support on it." I shrugged. "I want to be with you, though. Don't mistake me on that. I… I still love you," I moved my hands from his grasp to frame his face lightly. "And as long as you'll still have me, I will be with you."
"But…" Castiel sighed. "I understand. You have a duty to follow through with. I can wait. I am not the biggest fan of having the Men of Letters involved in my… our," he smiled at that. "Work. But if that is the condition I must follow, then I will gladly do it."
"I'll see if there's any way to keep their involvement minimal." I promised. "Thank you for understanding. I'll call every day."
"Do what you can." He said. "And enjoy it. All I want is for you to be happy."
"Thank you." I repeated, rushing to hug him. He held me back, just as tightly.
"Don't die." He whispered. "Promise me you won't die."
"You gotta do the same, then." I responded.
"Please." He didn't beg, not really. He just… I couldn't say no. The tone of his voice made was just something I couldn't say no to.
"I promise." I whispered. "I promise that I won't die as long as I can help it."
"I promise the same." He whispered back. "I love you."
"I love you too." I pulled away gently, but he just pulled me closer to him one more time.
"Please," This time there was a slight plea in his voice. "Just come back safely."
"I will." He let me go, then, allowing me to take a few steps back. I offered him a small wave. "I'll see you soon." I promised. "Don't worry."
"Alright." He nodded, and that was the last I saw before I was gone.
