DISCLAIMER: I don't own M*A*S*H (I know, a really shocking fact).
Peg, Erin, and Hawkeye were boarding the train headed back to California. Erin was innocently excited about riding the train again, while Peg seemed a little nervous. Hawkeye, meanwhile, had a big smile like a kid in a candy shop.
"You seem excited, Hawkeye." Peg stated curiously as she got Erin situated into her seat.
"I know, I know, I shouldn't be." Hawkeye said. "But I get to see B.J. again! I mean, our goodbye in Korea was pretty much set in stone. We talked about seeing each other again, but neither one of us thought it would actually happen. This is great!"
"Except for the circumstances." Peg answered slowly.
"Of course." Hawkeye replied quietly. "The circumstances aren't great. I probably sound like an insensitive jerk for being so excited. I know the state of mind that B.J. is in right now is horrible. But I still have this excited feeling. I just can't explain it."
"You have every right to be excited. I'm excited for you two to see each other again. I'm just nervous as to how he's going to react. After all, you're a pretty big reminder of his time in Korea."
"Don't worry, I know how to handle him by now." Hawkeye said with a grin.
"Oh really?" Peg asked with a dubious expression on her face.
"Of course. Remember, I had to deal with him all throughout Korea. I got to see excited B.J., angry B.J., practical joker B.J., drunk B.J., depressed B.J., and everything in between."
Peg laughed. "Oh, drunk B.J.'s a fun one. Sometimes."
Hawkeye smiled. "You know it's funny, because the first time I met B.J. we both ended up getting drunk. Radar and I had just picked him up from Kimpo, and we'd had one crazy ride back. Poor B.J. was all shook up, so we stopped in for a drink at a local bar. We drank so much that our livers were practically pickled. When we came back to the unit, B.J. looked at Frank Burns, said 'what say you, Ferret Face?' and fell right over." Hawkeye laughed to himself, and then looked over at Peg. "You probably don't want to hear about this stuff, do you?"
"Are you kidding?" Peg replied while laughing. "I missed out on a lot of time with B.J. This is the kind of stuff I want to hear about." She paused for a moment. "I guess with what you went through over in Korea with B.J., you probably know him almost as well as I do. It's crazy how war connects people like that."
"Yeah, war is crazy alright." Hawkeye said slowly. "Seriously though, I'd consider just about everyone at the 4077 a part of my family. Even Frank."
"Frank Burns?" Peg asked. "Well, from what B.J. described of Ferret Face in his letters, he sure was an interesting character."
"Oh, interesting doesn't even scratch the surface. But enough about Frank. I guess my bond with B.J. is the reason I'm not completely dreading this meeting. I know B.J. so well, so I trust that he'll get through this. He has to; he's that strong of a person."
"Thanks Hawkeye." Peg said with a smile. Before she could continue, however, Erin interrupted.
"Mommy, play outside?" Erin asked as she looked out the window.
"Erin, I'm sorry, but you can't play outside. We're on the train right now. You can't just get off whenever you want." Erin pouted, and Peg turned to Hawkeye. "Keeping her entertained is going to be difficult, and I'm going to apologize now. It's going to be a long three days.
"Don't worry." Hawkeye told Peg. "Hey Erin. Do you want to hear a joke?" Erin smiled up at him and nodded and so he started talking. "Ok, so there's a guy who owns a circus. And one day, a skinny little guy comes walking into the big top and asks the owner about getting an act in the circus, right?"
As Hawkeye continued talking, Peg started thinking. She thought about Hawkeye's faith in B.J., how he knew that B.J. would be able to get through this. "I wish I had that kind of faith in my husband." Peg thought to herself. She then realized how ridiculous that sounded. After all, if Hawkeye had faith in B.J., then why couldn't she? "I mean, Hawkeye hasn't been living with B.J. the past few months." she continued in her mind. "But still. It's my job to have faith in B.J. And if his army buddy who knew him for such a short time can trust his character, then I can too. I have to, for the sake of our relationship." She looked back over at Hawkeye and Erin. Hawkeye had been flapping his arms around, and was just finishing his joke.
"And he says, 'Well, what do you think?' And the owner replies, 'That's all you do? Bird imitations?''" Erin started laughing. "You actually get the joke?" Hawkeye asked, surprised that Erin would understand it at such a young age.
"Funny arms!" Erin said as she continued to laugh.
"You know, I get that a lot." Hawkeye said with a cocky smile. "Funny arms, funny joke, funny guy. Same thing, right?"
Peg smiled and joined the conversation. "You know, I think B.J. mentioned that joke in a letter to me one time. He didn't tell me he learned it from you."
"Oh, he told the whole camp that joke without giving me credit." Hawkeye told her, clearly still disgruntled with B.J.'s joke stealing.
"That sounds like something he would do." Peg replied. "He's always been a bit of a jokester. Growing up with him is where I got my sense of humor from."
"He thinks a funny guy. You know, one time he set up this elaborate prank where he said he would be pranking everyone at the 4077 within 24 hours. It turned out that he planned it with everybody else, and had them all pretend to get fooled. The only one who wasn't in the know was me. His joke on me was to leave me paranoid expecting some sort of trick, only for it to never happen."
"Waiting for the prank that never comes is the oldest trick in the book." Peg said with a laugh "I remember him mentioning that elaborate joke in one of his letters. He was so proud of himself."
"Of course he was, the little fink." Hawkeye said jokingly.
"I can't wait until he's able to do things like that again." Peg said as she thought about how serious B.J. had been the last few months. "Just to see him joking around again would be so wonderful."
"Yeah." Hawkeye said. "It's hard to picture B.J. being unable to laugh and joke around." For a moment, they both quietly thought of the difficulties B.J. was having. Finally Peg spoke.
"Do you know what you're going to say to B.J. when you see him?" Peg asked Hawkeye.
"I have no idea." Hawkeye said honestly. "I mean, I've thought about it a lot, but I still have no clue how to say the message that I want to convey. I figure that I'll have to explain why I've randomly shown up at his house when I live on the other side of the country. Then I'll have to offer him some support."
"Like I'm sure you did in Korea." Peg interjected.
"Well, yeah. But over there, support meant picking on Frank Burns, flirting with Major Houlihan…er, that was always me, not B.J. –" he added as he saw Peg's curious glare "making each other laugh, and drinking cheap martinis we made in our still."
"I see." Peg said. "Well, it sounds like you supported him by being a good friend. I think that's what he needs the most right now."
"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, the only other thing I figured I could do was show B.J. this to prove to him that his time in Korea wasn't a waste." As he said this, he pulled out several faded pieces of paper and handed them to Peg.
"What is this?" Peg asked curiously as she examined the papers, which had thousands of names written on it.
"It's a list of all the people that B.J. took care of in Korea." Hawkeye replied slowly.
"Wow. When did you put this together?" Peg asked as she continued to pour over the list.
"Back in Korea. I was working at a battalion aid station under heavy fire, and I started writing a will. As soon as I got back to M*A*S*H, I put this list together and made it the final item in my will. I kept working on it throughout the rest of my time in Korea. My original plan was to give it to Erin, you know, so she could understand why her daddy had to be over there the whole time. But right now, I think it's him that needs to see it the most."
"It's beautiful." Peg said with tears in her eyes as she looked at the faded papers. "I know that's a weird way to describe a list of names. But I think it's exactly what he needs to see right now. And we can give it to Erin when she's a little older. That way she can understand too." As she said this, she looked over at Erin, who had fallen asleep. Hawkeye looked at her also and smiled.
"You know, her expression looks a lot like the one B.J. makes when he's sleeping." Hawkeye said. "Of course, she seems to snore less."
Peg giggled. "He does snore a lot."
"Yeah." He paused for a moment before continuing. "So, do you know what you're going to say to him?"
"Honestly? I have no idea. I mean, there's so much I want to say to him. But I just don't know how. I want to tell him that I love him and that I'll be there for him no matter what. He needs to know that I'll stay by his side and help him work through these problems. I want him to understand how badly I want to work through this so we can spend the rest of our lives seeking out our happily ever after." Peg stopped for a second before talking again. "Listen to me. I sound like a hopeless romantic."
"Actually, you sound just like B.J." Hawkeye said with a smile. "Over in Korea, I saw the excitement in his eyes each time a letter came from you. He was always talking about you and Erin, and he showed off your pictures all the time. When we showed him that anniversary tape we worked on together, he started crying."
"He did?" Peg asked with a smile. "He told me in a letter how much he loved that video, but he didn't mention it made him cry. That's so sweet."
"Oh, there's nothing as sweet as a woman who wants to make her husband cry." Hawkeye interjected sarcastically. Peg smiled while rolling her eyes, and Hawkeye continued. "But yes, he was always talking about you. One time he got really upset for a day because you'd mentioned something about a neighbor making a pass at you in one of your letters."
"He got upset over that?" Peg said as she shook her head. "Of course, I should have known when I wrote it that he would overreact."
"Yeah, well the point is that your husband loves you a lot. And if you're a hopeless romantic, then so is B.J."
"Hmmm." Peg muttered as she thought to herself. "Speaking of hopeless romantic, can I ask you something?"
"Oh, here it comes." Hawkeye said sarcastically as he gave Peg a wink. "Do I need to remind you that you're a married woman?" As he said this, a grin spread across his face.
"Ha ha." Peg said while she rolled her eyes, although her face made it clear she thought he was funny. "Actually, though, it kind of is about you and women. The way B.J. used to talk about you in his letters, I always figured that you were a bit of a Don Juan. And these last few days I've seen the way you flirted with Sally, and the way you talk to me."
"Before I found out you were B.J.'s wife, remember?" Hawkeye interjected. "Anyway, yeah. I'm a bit of a flirt. What about it?"
"Well, the woman who came into your office that evening after my appointment seemed different. I guess you seemed different, actually. It didn't seem like you were just flirting with her."
Hawkeye was quiet for a moment. "What makes you think that?"
"I think it was the smile you had when you looked at her, even when you talked about her. I know that smile."
"What do you mean you know that smile?" Hawkeye asked. He was sure he'd been smiling around Margaret, but he wasn't sure what the big deal about that was.
"It's the smile I used to see on B.J.'s face whenever was with me."
Hawkeye thought for a moment. He knew exactly what Peg was talking about. After all, it was that same stupid grin on B.J.'s face every time he talked about, thought about, or read something from Peg. But Hawkeye never thought he'd wear that same stupid smile himself.
"Is she special to you, Hawkeye?" Peg asked, breaking the silence that Hawkeye had created with his train of thought.
"Yeah, she is. But it's complicated."
"Complicated doesn't mean it's not worth it. Look at me and B.J right now. It doesn't get much more complicated than that."
"Mmmm." Hawkeye said, not wanting to talk about Margaret any further. "Hey, you know all that stuff about staying by his side, happily-ever-after, etc. etc? Why don't you just tell B.J. that?"
"Changing the subject, huh?" Peg teased him before continuing. "But I guess you're right, that would be a good place to start. Of course, I can't forget to mention my latest surprise." she added sarcastically.
"That would be a bad thing to forget."
"I mean, he'd figure out sooner or later…when I blew up like a blimp." Peg said with a laugh. "I remember I put on so much weight when I was pregnant with Erin. I can only imagine what it will be like with this one."
"B.J. told me that on your last anniversary you were 8 months pregnant. He said that it made for some interesting dancing that evening."
"I'd call it less of a dance and more of a waddle." Peg said with a smile as she thought about that special moment. "Still, it was very sweet." Peg paused for a bit before continuing. "So, what's the plan once we get to California?
"Oh, we have a plan?" Hawkeye asked sarcastically.
"Well, we should. I know I'll need to talk to B.J. first. My car will still be at the train station, but we can call you a cab. That way you and Sidney can meet us after I have a chance to talk to B.J.
"Sounds good." Hawkeye said. "But what about Erin?"
"What about her?" Peg asked.
"Well, if you want to talk to B.J. alone, it would probably be a good idea if I took her with me."
"Are you sure?" Peg said hesitantly. "I don't want to inconvenience you. And what will I tell B.J.?"
"Just tell him you left Erin with a friend so the two of you could talk alone." Hawkeye could tell that Peg was nervous about leaving Erin with someone else. "C'mon, you know that this will make it easier for you to talk to B.J. I'll take her out for ice-cream or something. She'll be fine."
"I suppose. And you filled in Dr. Freedman with all the details?"
"I told him everything you told me." Hawkeye answered. "He said his definitely wanted to talk to both you and B.J."
"Ok. So when I talk to B.J., I'll find some way to mention you and Dr. Freedman. I have no idea how to do that, though."
"You'll figure something out." Hawkeye encouraged her. "I know that this will all work out.
Peg was quiet for a moment before she decided to ask Hawkeye an important question.
"Hawkeye, how do you know this will all work out? I mean, you haven't seen B.J. since he's been back. Things aren't good for him right now. I want to believe more than anything that he'll be fine. But I guess don't have the kind of confidence in him that you do."
At first Hawkeye wasn't sure how to answer her question. After all, how did he know B.J. was going to get through this struggle? Finally he spoke. "I think it's just that I have a different perspective on B.J. than you do. All you got to see were the before and after effects of the war, but I got to see B.J. during Korea. Yes, the war was hard on him, but I saw his devotion to you and Erin. He wanted nothing more than to be home with his family."
"Really?" Peg asked him.
"Really." Hawkeye replied. "I mean, there were several times when reading letters from you would set him on a really rough stretch of homesickness." Hawkeye paused for a moment, trying to find the right way to explain to Peg just how much B.J. had longed to be home with them while he was in Korea. After a second, he remembered an important story he had to share with Peg. "Do you remember the letter you wrote him after you and Erin met Radar at the airport?"
"Vaguely." Peg said, trying to remember the letter "I mean, I remember when we met Radar, but I don't recall exactly what I wrote to B.J. Why?"
"Well, that letter put B.J. in a real foul mood. He was mad at Radar for days, and nobody could figure out why. Finally I connected his mood to the letter, but when I confronted him about it, he got angry and punched me in the face."
"He what?!" Peg asked him, surprised that B.J. would do such a thing. "He would never had done a thing like that before Korea. It surprises me that he hit you of all people."
"Well, he'd had a lot to drink before it happened. Not of the light stuff either, but the hard liquor we brewed in our still. By the time I ran into him that evening, he was completely toasted. Anyway, he broke the still, hit me, and ran off. We later found him in Col. Potter's office. He and Klinger had broken into Potter's liquor cabinet and were drinking more of the hard stuff."
"Really?" Peg asked with a tone of fear in her voice. "I knew he drank in Korea, but I didn't realize it was that bad."
"That night wasn't usual for B.J., ok?" Hawkeye said adamantly, wanting to ensure Peg that her husband hadn't become a total drunk during the war. "When we found him, I went in to talk to him. He seemed calm at first, but was still completely wasted. He apologized for hitting me, explaining to me why he was upset. The next thing I knew, he was sobbing hysterically on the floor."
"Why?" Peg asked, still not understanding B.J.'s anguish.
"Because the first time Erin called someone daddy, it wasn't him."
Peg gasped. "Oh my goodness. That's right, she did call Radar daddy. I guess I must have included it in the letter. I never even thought of it like that. He really got that upset over it?"
"I could hardly believe it when I saw it myself. Here he was, strong big ol' B.J. Hunnicutt crying on the floor because of something in a letter. He said he'd missed out on a lifetime with Erin. I guess that just broke his heart."
Peg looked over at her sleeping daughter, trying to comprehend all that Hawkeye had just said. B.J. had gotten completely drunk, hit his best friend, and then sobbed on the floor, all because he missed her and Erin? War really was hell. She was finally starting to get a picture of just how badly B.J. had suffered during Korea. She tried to keep the tears from coming, but they came anyway. Peg hoped that Hawkeye wouldn't notice that she was crying, but he did.
"Peg." Hawkeye said slowly. "I didn't tell you this to make you cry."
"I know you didn't." Peg said softly. "I just never thought of B.J. being so hurt over in Korea. He always seemed fine in his letters."
"He probably wanted you to think he was fine. He didn't want you feeling the burden he was feeling. B.J. thought he had to be strong for you."
"Maybe if I hadn't mentioned Erin calling Radar daddy –"
"You can't blame yourself." Hawkeye said firmly. "He probably still would have gotten upset even if you had left that part out. The reason I told you that story is to remind you that B.J.'s devotion to you is still there. It's like when he got completely inebriated, but underneath all that was this broken person who just wanted to be with his family again. Now he's home with you, but the war has broken him. He's having to process all that happened, and it's hiding right under the surface of his anger and depression. But Peg, he still loves you and Erin just the same as he did before. That loyalty is what is going to get him out of this. I know that. He didn't come home to the family he loves just to push them away."
"I guess I never thought of it like that." Peg replied as she dried her eyes.
"That's why I told you that story. And I've been where B.J. is. Not exactly, since I don't have a wife and children, but I've had to process what happened to me over in Korea. For a while, it literally drove me insane. But I got through it. If I can get through it then so can B.J. After all, he has more motivation to move past this. He's got you, Erin, and little B.J. junior in there."
Peg smiled and looked out the window, noticing that it was dark.
"I guess it's time to get some sleep already." Peg said quietly.
"Yeah, I think Erin has the right idea." Hawkeye said, looking at Erin sleeping on the other seat. "You know, I can't get over how much she looks like B.J."
"She does. You know, I think that when B.J. gets through this, she'll turn into a real daddy's girl. She probably would already be one if he had been home with us this whole time."
"You keep saying depressing things like that and I think I'm going to get drunk and start sobbing on the floor." Hawkeye interjected as he stretched out on his seat to fall asleep. "Mmm, just like an old army cot. Something I definitely don't miss."
Peg laughed as she laid down next to Erin on her seat, wrapping her daughter in her arms. "Tha\nk you, Hawkeye. For everything."
"Of course." he said, and the two of them slowly drifted off to sleep.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello again, readers! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's been a while since I posted. I was going to work on my writing this weekend, but I ended up binge-watching season 1 with a friend with who had never seen the show before (and now she's hooked). Anyway, this chapter is longer than previous chapters, but I figured that since Hawkeye and Peg have such a long ride ahead of them (taking the train cross-country takes three days), they'll end up talking a lot. This chapter is only a small snippet of the conversations they would have on the trip.
Below are the M*A*S*H references found in this chapter. Since this chapter is so long, there are more references in this chapter than in previous chapters:
Welcome to Korea (S4, E1): Hawkeye's story of how he and B.J. got drunk when B.J. first came to Korea is from this episode.
Dear Uncle Abdul (S8, E12): This is the episode where we hear Hawkeye's joke about the circus performer, and where B.J. tells the joke to the camp without giving Hawkeye credit.
The Joker is Wild (S11, E4): This is the episode where B.J. fools Hawkeye into thinking everyone else has been pranked, using the supposedly coming 'grand-finale' prank that never actually existed to torment Hawkeye.
Where There's a Will, There's a War (S10, E16): This is the episode where Hawkeye writes his will and puts together the list of men B.J. operated on in Korea.
Oh, How We Danced (S9, E14): This is the episode referred to when Hawkeye talks about the anniversary tape that Peg made for B.J. The part where Hawkeye mentions that B.J. had told him about how they danced on their last anniversary while Peg was 8 months pregnant is also a reference to this episode.
Mail Call Three (S6, E20): In this episode, B.J. receives a letter from Peg that happens to mention that a neighbor made a pass at her. This is what Hawkeye is referring to in the story when he says that B.J. got upset when he heard that a neighbor made a pass at Peg
Period of Adjustment (S8, E6): This episode contains the plotline where B.J. gets drunk, hits Hawkeye, and ends up crying on the floor in Col. Potter's office because Erin called Radar 'daddy'.
Once again, I want to thank you for reading this story. The story recently hit over 1200 views, which is really exciting for me. It is one of my most popular stories and it definitely has more views than any of my other M*A*S*H stories. I attribute that to all of you who continue to read this story, and I am very appreciative that you do so. Thanks again for reading, and feel free to review with any comments, constructive criticisms, or questions.
