Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I don't own M*A*S*H or any of its amazing characters (I sure wish I did, though…).

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter takes place concurrently with the last chapter.

With Hawkeye and Erin outside, Sidney, Peg, and B.J. were alone at last and able to talk about the heart of the issue. Peg decided to be the first to break the tension.

"You must be Dr. Freedman." Peg said with a smile as she shook Sidney's hand. "Hawkeye told me about you. I'm Peg Hunnicutt."

"Please, call me Sidney" he answered with a grin. "So this is the infamous Peg, huh, B.J.? You know, Peg, he sure talked a lot about you while he was over in Korea."

"You did?" Peg asked B.J. with a small smile, surprised that both Hawkeye and Sidney had heard so much about her from B.J.

"I guess so." B.J. said slowly, not realizing exactly how much he had talked about and thought about his wife while at the 4077. "So, how exactly did you get here, Sidney?"

"It's a long story, one that I'm sure Hawkeye will tell you all about later. But let's talk about you first. What exactly has been going on since you left Korea?"

"I don't know." B.J. said dismissively. "Probably nothing that any other solider that was over there isn't experiencing."

"I don't think so, B.J." Peg interjected. She then turned to Sidney and continued to talk. "We were actually talking about it earlier before you got here. He's been having flashbacks and dreams. Is that normal?"

"Hmmm." Sidney replied, clearly deep in thought. "They don't happen to everyone, but they certainly aren't unheard of. Can you describe them for me, B.J.?"

B.J. sighed. This was the first time he would be sharing the specifics of his problem. Would he really be able to get through it? "Well, they started about a month after I came home from Korea. They started as just thoughts and dreams. But as time went on, they continued to get worse. And now they've gotten out of control. The last few days, I started having what I guess you would call a flashback. It's like I'm at home doing something completely unrelated to Korea, and then suddenly I feel like I'm at the 4077 again. It always feel so real, too." As he described these, Peg looked at him with a frightened look. Hearing her husband describe exactly what was going on his mind was scary: the problem seemed much worse than she had imagined. Before she had time to continue her train of thought, however, Sidney responded to B.J.

"What you've just described sounds to me like a flashback." Sidney said slowly. "I've noticed symptoms like these in many other young men and women returning from Korea. Other prominent psychiatrists are noticing them as well."

"Symptoms?" Peg asked. "Does that mean that B.J. is sick?"

"No, not exactly." Sidney replied as he looked at the two of them. "You have to remember that psychiatry is not as cut and dry as physical medicine. B.J., what I think it means is that you are having a hard time processing everything that happened to you in Korea."

"Why me?" B.J. in a tone that seemed almost angry. "I mean, we must have treated thousands of boys that experienced worse tragedies over there than I ever did."

"Exactly." Sidney said. "And you were a direct witness to all of those tragedies. You can't underestimate yourself or the work you did over there. Your time at M*A*S*H was a difficult time just like those boys who fought at the front. Different, but still difficult."

"Really?" B.J. asked slowly.

"Of course. Think about it: how often was I at the 4077? I wasn't always there just to see your wounded patients and play poker, although I did a lot of both of those things. I ended up talking to several of the people who worked at M*A*S*H. I spoke with Klinger, Col. Potter, and Margaret. I spoke with Hawkeye on numerous occasions. Remember when he had his breakdown towards the end of the war? They're all clear examples of how the war didn't just influence the men and women who were fighting on the frontlines. It affected the ones who were doctoring on the front lines, too.

"But why is he experiencing this now?" Peg asked. "After all, the situations you just described all happened in Korea. Why is B.J. facing this at home? Shouldn't being home help him?"

"That I can't say for sure. What I can say is that you aren't the only experiencing problems at home. I've talked to several people from the 4077 since I've been in the states, as well as many other soldiers from Korea. As for why you specifically, I can speculate. I would say the reason you held up so well in Korea was because of the way you coped while you were over there. Think about it. How did you cope with the trauma while you at M*A*S*H?

"Hmmm." B.J. muttered. "Several ways, I guess. I mean, there was the alcohol, of course. My friendship with Hawkeye. The practical jokes I played." As soon as he mentioned practical jokes, Peg smiled to herself. She always knew B.J. to be a joker, but had not pictured him carrying that side of himself to Korea. "And of course, there was always thinking about what I had to come home to." As he said this, he looked at Peg. She smiled and took his hand as Sidney started talking.

"Exactly." Sidney said. "Throughout my time in Korea, you were one of the most 'together' people I knew. I think it was because you held yourself together by remembering who you were and what you had at home waiting for you. That didn't make Korea easy, but it made it bearable."

"Then why am I still unhappy now that I'm home?" B.J. asked desperately.

"Because things have changed." Sidney said sadly. "And not just for you. Everyone who has come home from Korea has been changed in some way. Ask Hawkeye about that later. Anyway, since you've come home, things are different. You are different and your family is different. Not only that, since you coped so well in Korea, you really didn't process all that had happened until you came home. Now that your home and it's not what you expected, it's even harder to process all of that trauma."

"I think that makes sense." Peg said slowly, trying to understand everything that Sidney was saying.

"Yeah, but how can I get better?" B.J. asked bitterly. "Or am I stuck like this forever? The nightmares, the flashbacks…they haunt me, Sidney. I don't know if I can go on like this." As he said this, a tone of fear entered his voice.

"It won't be easy, but you won't suffer through this forever. What you have to do is let yourself process everything that happened. Instead of letting the negative parts consume you like they are doing right now, manually go through everything that happened in Korea. Allow yourself to work through it and move past it."

"How?" B.J. asked. "I'm afraid that if I start to process through everything, the flashbacks and nightmares will only get worse."

"They might at first." Sidney said honestly. "But if you don't work through this, they will definitely get worse. Whether you process through the memories or avoid them, they are still there. Repressing the memories has not helped you so far, and I don't think it will help in the future either.

"Sidney, is there any way that I can help him?" Peg asked desperately. I feel so useless sitting on the sidelines while I watch B.J. go through this. It's like he's in Korea all over again, and I'm on the other side of the world."

"Peg, no." B.J. said as he looked her in the eyes. "You shouldn't have to carry this burden, too."

"Actually, I think Peg is on to something." Sidney argued. "Like Peg said, for you the war hasn't quite ended yet. And if your family helped you cope while you were in Korea, there is no reason that they can't help you now that you are home. In fact, I think it would be ideal if you could communicate with your wife about your time spent in Korea. Talking about it is a good way to process everything that happened."

"B.J., this is what I was talking about earlier." Peg added. "When I married you, I vowed to be by your side no matter what. I want to help you through this."

"I guess you're right..." B.J. said slowly.

"It's natural that you would have a hard time with this." Sidney told him. "I remember that when you were in Korea, one of the things you struggled with most was the fact that Peg was at home having to take care of herself. Now you're home, and she's having to help take care of you. But B.J., that's a part of life. The husband can't take care of his wife all of the time. Remember, the two of you are a team. Your wife is a very strong woman, and she's more than willing to help you. You have to let the people who love you take care of you."

B.J. and Peg looked at each other for a moment, and Peg squeezed his hand. "He's right, you know."

"I know." B.J. said quietly.

"So now what?" Peg continued. "Will you be staying in town to help B.J.?"

"I wish I could." Sidney replied. "But my practice is in New York, and I have many other patients to tend to. Like I said, you weren't the only man damaged by the war. But this won't be the last time we talk, B.J. Peg's already given me your telephone number, and I'll be calling regularly to check on you. I'm also going to set you up with a local psychiatrist that I know. In the meantime, you need to start communicating with Peg. Also, talk to Hawkeye while he's here. He told me he would be able to stay in town longer and wants to talk to you. Remember, he went through an experience very similar to what you're going through right now?"

"Alright." B.J. said with a sigh. "But what about getting back to work? I haven't had a job since I came back from Korea. Do I need to wait until I've worked through this?"

"On the contrary." Sidney replied. "I think it would be helpful if you can get out and work. Avoiding medical practice is one way of repressing the trauma for Korea. If you can get out and work, it will remind you that medicine isn't always fixing up wounded boys in Korea."

"You're right. Sidney, thanks for everything. I know that you didn't have to come down and see me."

"Oh, but I did. When I heard what was going on, I knew I needed to come here and see if I could help. I'm glad I've been able to. Like I said earlier B.J., you have to let the people who care about you help you." As he spoke, he gestured outside at Hawkeye. "Remember, he cares about you too." The three of them stood up and shook hands.

"Sidney, are you sure you wouldn't like to stay for dinner?" Peg asked.

"I would love to Peg, especially since I've heard how well you can cook. But unfortunately, New York is a long train ride back. I must get going."

"Well, thank you for coming." she said with a smile as she hugged Sidney.

"Agreed. Thank you, Sidney." B.J. added as they walked to the front door.

"No problem." Sidney replied with a smile as he stood in the doorway. "Before I go, one last thing. Do you remember that last piece of advice I gave you over in Korea?"

"What advice?" B.J. asked, unsure of what exactly he was talking about.

"Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice." He said with a smile and a wink. "You might want to try it sometime. So long, B.J. Nice to meet you, Peg." He then stepped outside and closed the door, leaving B.J. and Peg alone in the house. For a minute neither one of them said anything. Finally, Peg spoke.

"What do you think?" she asked quietly.

B.J. took a second to respond. "Honestly? I'm still trying to figure out how you pulled this off."

"It wasn't all me." Peg told him honestly. "As soon as Hawkeye heard what was going on, he was insistent on getting you the help you needed."

"Hawkeye…" he muttered to himself as he looked out into the backyard and saw Hawkeye playing with his daughter. "You know, I think I need some fresh air."

"Ok. I'll start dinner." Peg replied. "Oh, and B.J.?"

"Yes?"

"I love you." As she said it, she went to him and wrapped her arms around him. He immediately wrapped his arms around her, and they stayed in that embrace for over a minute.

"I love you too, Peg." he whispered in her ear as he let go. He then headed outside and Peg headed to the kitchen, both thinking of the same thing: B.J.'s long overdue conversation with Hawkeye.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello all! I hope you have enjoyed this chapter. I just finished with two difficult exams this week, so finishing/posting this chapter was my reward to myself. Anyway, there was one reference to previous episodes in this chapter (Sidney's quote: "Ladies and gentleman, take my advice: pull down your pants and slide on the ice). This quote was actually in two different episodes: "O.R." (S3 E5) and "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen" (S11 E16).

In the next chapter, we'll get to see what we have all been waiting for since the moment we saw the word "Goodbye" marked out in stones at the end of GFA: Hawkeye and B.J.'s long-anticipated reunion! Thanks again for reading, and please feel free to review with any questions, comments, or constructive criticisms.