The school looks wonderful in the light as I walk in and suddenly I hear a voice from the open window.

"Well, Henry asks me to marry him to show the Pope that his new Church is so much better that he even gets to marry an angel and I just tell him 'no thanks, I like my head where it is' and go off to Scotland for a while."

There's a sudden burst of laughter and then Etana speaks again.

"And do you all remember the song I taught you?"

There's a chorus of 'Yes!'es.

"Do you want to sing it before the period ends?"

"YES!"

"Right. English monarch song, coming right up. To the CD player, my dear classroom assistant!"

There's a clatter of chairs and Etana starts shouting out instructions.

"Jonas, you're William One. Ben, you're Henry One. Paras, Henry Two. Santo, Henry the Eighth because you've got the voice for the low notes. Victor, Henry Four. Roxanne, Good Queen Bess and I'll take Victoria as I'm the only one capable of keeping those high notes the full time. Kurt, can you do George the Fourth?"

"Of course."

"But…"

"No buts, Mr Keller. Everyone else is chorus. Now, my dear Mr Wagner. Play!"

The music starts and they alternate between solos and chorales and I have to laugh at the speed at which they're singing.

"I'm William the Conqueror
My enemies stood no chance
They call me the first English king
Although I come from France
1066, the Domesday book
I gave to history
So fat, on death my body burst
But enough about me
To help remember all your kings
I've come up with this song
A simple rhyme and ditty
For you all to sing along!
Oh! William!

Bit short, init? We need more kings. Who came next?"

Another singer takes over.

"William Second, cheeks were red
Killed out hunting, so it's said
I took over, Henry One
"

The first singer continues.

"That's my next eldest son
Then King Stephen, it's true, check it!
"

A new singer, again another boy.

"Hi, Henry Two, killed Thomas Beckett
Richard Lionheart? That's right!
Always spoiling for a fight
Oh, King John! What a disaster!
Rule restrained by Magna Carta!
"

Everyone chimes in for the next bit.

"William, William, Henry, Stephen
Henry, Richard, John, oi!
"

The last soloist sings again.

"Time for my mate, King Henry Eight
To take up this song
"

A deep male voice sings next.

"Henry Three built the abbey
Ed One hated Scots
A red hot poker killed Ed Two
That must have hurt him lots!
Edward Third was a chivalry nerd
Began the Hundred Year War
"

Another singer, again a boy.

"Then Richard Two was king, aged ten
Then Henry, yes one more!
King Henry Four, plots galore
Not least from Henry Five, moi
I killed ten score at Agincourt
Then Henry Six arrived! Wah!
"

The previous singer starts again, the deep male singer.

"Edward Four, Edward Five
Richard the Third, he's bad
'Cause he fought wars with Henry Seventh
First Tudor and my dad
So Henry Eight, I was great
Six wives, two were beheaded
Edward the Sixth came next, but he died young
And so my dreaded
Daughter Mary ruled, so scary
Then along came...
"

A girl chimes in again.

"…me!
I'm Liz the First, I had no kids
So Tudors RIP!
"

Everyone starts singing again.

"William, William, Henry, Stephen
Henry, Richard, John, oi!
Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more Henrys join our song!
Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
Mary One, good Queen Bess
"

The girl sings again.

"That's me! Time for more men!
James Six of Scotland next
As English James the First, he led
Then Stuarts ruled, so Charles the First
The one who lost his head
"

A boy starts singing, a new one.

"No monarchy until came me,
Charles Two, I liked to party.
King Jimmy Two was scary, oooh!
Then Mary was a smarty
She ruled with Will, their shoes were filled
By sourpuss Queen Anne Gloria
And so from then, you were ruled by men
"

And then Etana sings the next line, holding the last note for an impressive amount of time.

"Till along came me, Victoria!"

Everyone starts singing again and when I peek in the window, Etana is conducting with her left hand, Nightcrawler's crouching by a CD player on a table and everyone is dancing around.

"William, William, Henry, Stephen
Henry, Richard, John, oi!
Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more Henrys join our song!
Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
Mary One, good Queen Bess
Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then
Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria
"

Etana sings the next line in perfect time.

"Still to come, it's Queen Victoria!"

Then Nightcrawler grins and starts singing.

"And so began the Hanover gang
George One and George Two...
"

Etana smiles and sings the next line.

"…grim! Then George the Third was quite absurd"

And Nightcrawler chimes back in.

"Till I replaced old him"

Etana laughs and sings the next few lines.

"King George the Fourth and known henceforth
As angry, fat and cross...
"

Nightcrawler pretends to look offended.

"hang on!"

Etana flashes him a brilliant smile.

"It's true you beat Napoleon
But were mostly a dead loss...
"

He smirks back at her, then sings "bang on!" then Etana sings again.

"Old William Four was a sailor..." and Nightcrawler winks at the students then shouts"Ahoy!" Etana smiles and sings again, again dragging the last word out again at a marvellously high note.

"That's nearly the end of the storya
As onto the scene comes the best loved queen
Hail to Queen Victoria!
"

And everyone grabs hands and starts to dance around as they sing the new chorus. The last name is sung over and over again, layering richly around the room.

"William, William, Henry, Stephen
Henry, Richard, John, oi!
Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more Henrys join our song!
Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
Mary One, good Queen Bess
Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then
Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria
George, George, George, George
Will, Victoria!
Victoria!
"

Etana smirks then launches into the last verse.

"I ruled for sixty three years, you know!
Ed Seven, George Five
Then Ed, George Sixth
Liz Two then reigned and how!
And so our famous monarch song
Is brought right up to now!
"

Everyone looks at each other expectantly as Etana holds the note then they all sing together.

"Oh! William, William, Henry, Stephen
Henry, Richard, John, oi!
Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more Henrys join our song!
Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
Mary One, good Queen Bess
Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then
Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria
George, George, George, George
Will, Victoria!
Edward, George, Edward, George Six
And Queen Liz Two completes the mix!
"

There's a long pause, probably to allow them to catch their breath and then they all sing slowly to a beat.

"That's all the English kings and queens
Since William First that there have been!
"

And then they all laugh and Etana smiles and nods.

"Class dismissed!"

She turns to the window and smiles.

"Want to come to the staffroom for a drink?


A.N Look up Horrible History's Monarch Song on YouTube. I guarantee it's a laugh.