"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt." -Erma Bombeck

Chapter Synopsis: Leif tries to survive the 9 stages of grief


1 day later…

"So, uh…do you feel any different, Lola?"

"No."

"Well, just in case. Maybe you should get a pregnancy test?"

"Sure, I know just the place."

"Don't say the dollar store, those are more likely to give out false positives. But I know where you can get one."

He leaves… about 15 minutes later he returns with a pregnancy test. Lola takes the test and gets a...

"+"

"So, it's true, you are pregnant. Well, in that case, I'm going to need some supplies to survive the 9 stages of grief."

"9 stages of grief?"

"Yeah, you probably will act drastically different due to the various symptoms. So, I'm getting some stuff for my protection."

He calls someone on his cell phone.

"Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent, Levi speaking."

"Hey, Levi. It's me."

"Oh, what do you want, Cro-Magnon?"

"Levi, do you still have the armors from prank wars past?"

"Yes."

"Are they still usable?"

"No, but I fixed and replaced them, so yes. What is this for anyway, Leif?"

"Protocol P9."

"My god, you have to deal with a pregnancy? You poor bastard. Come by and pick up the armors."

Thanks, Levi. I might need more stuff from you later."


He goes to the predetermined location Levi sent on his phone. He meets up with him and picks up the armors. He drives back to their house and goes into the bathroom to put on all the armors. It looks like a haphazardly put together amalgamation of clothes, but it will protect him. With catcher's gear, chainmail, Kevlar (at Levi's request, a durable lightweight version), 3 layers of helmets (army, head of a furry suit and a watermelon rind, in that order) all bound together with bubble wrap. He steps outside and shows it off to me.

"So, what do you think? Will this be enough to survive 9 months?"

"Geeze, Leif. Isn't that overkill?" I asked

"You say that now, but once you get mood swings, this multilayered clothing Levi sent me will protect me from a hormonally unstable you."

"Ok, but isn't it hot in there?"

"Extremely, but Levi thought of that too. He put in a thermal regulator to cool me down if it gets too hot. Now to set the timer for 9 months. I hope I can survive you long enough to see our child…" He lamented


Stage 1:

"Leif?"

"Yes, Lola?"

"Am I fat?"

He immediately responds with "No!" After that attempt on his life, he regains his composure and asks "Why do think that?"

"Well, I've been looking in the mirror lately, and it seems I'm…heavier than usual."

"Of course, a baby is growing inside you right now. Anything else?"

"Well, I've been experiencing cramps and morning sickness."

"That's normal."

"I've also been feeling fatigued."

"Then take a rest."

"Ok, Leif…"

I rest on our bed and massage my breasts. They've been feeling sore lately…


Stage 2:

"It hurts to go to the bathroom!"

"Maybe you should eat more fiber?"

I walk over to Leif. He's still wearing that stupid multi-layered suit.

"PHEW! Leif, have you taken a shower yet?"

"No, I'm trying to not get accidentally murdered by you!"

"Either way, the trash is starting to stink, can you take it out?"

"Yes."

He goes off to do so.

I go back to sleep. Vivid dreams that evoke intense emotions flash one by one.

"Will you protect Lincoln from now on?"

"It was a tragic accident. Lynn didn't mean to kill Lana!"

"Oh really, let's hear what the master comedienne came up with."

"Oh, it's you. You know, you always were a royal pain, just like your twin sister."

"My god, just… SHUT… UP!"

"Wow, you must be really strong to beat me! Here is proof of your win against me, the Essence Badge!"

"He doesn't understand. That we take what we want, when we want!"

The dreamscape shifts to show a few familiar moments that we know.

"You can't go back, you can never go back!"

"MY PAGEANT CAREER IS OVER!"

"Are you ok? Did you have a nightmare?"

The dreamscape shifts for a third time, this time, it shifts to a cold place.

"Where am I?"

"You're in delirium, caused by your vivid dream."

"Leni? Is that you?"

"In a way, yes. I'm the light of your mind."

"So, you're in my brain? Cool!"

"Yes, but he's also here."

"Who?"

"Delirium, the darkness of your mind."

"What does it all mean?"

"It will come to fruition in due time, my dear Lola. But for now, you should be with your family."

The dreamscape shatters as Lola wakes up from her sleep.

"Those were some weird dreams…I'm sure they were nothing…" I reassured myself


Stage 3:

"Argh! My head hurts!"

"Well is there any reason why that would happen?"

"I can't really think of anything…"

"Well, just take some aspirin. Maybe that would help."

"I feel kind of dizzy, too."

"Have you been drinking plenty of water?"

"Yes."

"Weird, it also says that you can snack to avoid it, but I know you've been raiding the fridge for sweets."

"I have not!" I scoffed

"Lola, I saw you. Don't try to deny it."

"Say, where are you getting all of this information?"

"Oh, from some pregnancy website. They said that the mood swings should die down by this point. So, I can stop wearing this suit."

"That's great."

"I'm surprised, you didn't have many mood swings."

"Hopefully, it should get easier for me, so now I can help you even more now."


Stage 4:

"Ow…my back aches!"

"Then do some stretches, it's what people at the gym do."

"My eyes also itch."

"Try flushing it out with water?"

"Can you remind me what I'm supposed to be doing?"

"You have to send those inventory reports to Mr. Oman. But you really should take some time off for this."

"And miss work? I can't! Especially not now!"

"I'm just saying that this might affect your productivity, which will affect his profits."

"No, I can keep going."

"Fine, just don't push yourself too hard."

"On an unrelated note, my skin has never looked better."


Stage 5:

"It feels like I can't breathe!"

"Just sit down and rest."

"My legs feel like they have Charlie horses!"

"Keep stretching to keep yourself limber."


Stage 6:

"So, any different symptoms?"

"No, it's the same ones, they're just at a higher intensity."

"Hang in there, Lola…"


Stage 7:

"Leif?"

"Yes?"

"I can't sleep."

"Oh, that's normal."

He continues.

"Well, only 3 more stages. While the first 3 are grief for me, the last 3 are grief for you. You should prepare on how to deal with immense pain."

"Why is that?"

"Isn't it obvious, once we hit stage 9, you're going to go into labor to give birth to our child. It will be the worst pain you've ever experienced in your life."

"Oh…joy…"


Stage 8:

"Um, Lola. Mr. Oman wants to talk to you."

I step into his office looking nervous.

"Well, Lola. I have to say you are a great worker. But that's not why I called you in here. Your husband called me to say that you're in your third trimester, and that you should be at home to prepare for your little bundle of joy. So, why haven't you told me?"

"Because I didn't want to miss work because of this. I need to earn money to prepare for our incoming arrival."

"Lola, I admire your work ethic and all of my employees should aspire to be like you, but this is an important event in your life. I am ordering you to go home. I already have a temp to take your place in your absence."

"But Mr. Oman…"

"Lola, this is a direct order. GO… HOME…"

I nod, knowing he's right. I leave work and go home. Meanwhile, at the park…


"Hey, you lazy slackers! Mrs. Wetta wants this park sparkling! Mrs. Crowley scolded

Leif approaches Mrs. Crowley.

"What, Loud?" She sneered

"Can I ask Mrs. Wetta something?"

"No, slacker. Now get back to work!"

Suddenly, Mrs. Crowley's walkie-talkie activates.

"Yeah?"

"I want to hear what he has to say."

"Mrs. Wetta?!"

"I don't want to hear it, tell Mr. Loud to get over here."

Unbeknownst to Leif, Mrs. Wetta has security cameras with microphones everywhere to monitor the park. She has eyes and ears everywhere!

"Hey, Loud! Mrs. Wetta wants to see you!"

Leif heads into the station where Mrs. Wetta is.

"I overheard what you said. What did you want to say to me?"

"Well, it's just…my wife is in her third trimester."

Mrs. Wetta's ears perk up.

"Really?! Congratulations, Leif!"

"Thanks. But that leads me into my question. Can I take 2 months off so I can take care of my wife?"

"Doesn't she have her family?"

"Well yes, but they have their own lives to take care of. As much as we'd love that, it's such a slim chance that it probably wouldn't happen."

"I see…"

Mrs. Wetta thinks it over and glances at Leif.

"Well, you don't look like you're lying…and we do have emergency employees to take your place while you're gone…

"Ok, I approve it, go take care of your wife."

"Really, thank you, Mrs. Wetta!" Leif says excitedly as he dashes out the door. He gets into his car and leaves. Unfortunately, Mrs. Crowley saw him.

"Hey! Get back here, degenerate!" Mrs. Crowley yelled at him. This time the intercom blares.

"Mrs. Crowley? I would like to see you in my office."

"OOH! It seems "Spectacular Sammie" messed up!" Miguel taunted

"Shut up, Puga!" She rebuked

Miguel goes back to mowing the park's lawn. Sammie heads into Mrs. Wetta's office.

"You wanted to see me, Whitney?"

"Don't call me that, Sammie."

Mrs. Wetta sighs.

"Why did you yell at Leif like that?"

"Because he left work! That lazy bum!"

"I let him go!"

Mrs. Crowley is taken aback in shock!

"Why would you do that, Whit?!"

"His wife is about to go into labor, so he has to be there to care for her!"

"Pshaw! He's lying to get out of work!"

"He's a hard worker, why would he be lying?"

Mrs. Crowley gives an annoyed grimace.

"Do you think you could be nicer?"

"What for?"

"So that people actually want to work for us. You're the most unpopular worker at this park."

Her eyes soften.

"Come on, Sam. I know you have a heart, why don't you show kindness to them? They'll work harder if they actually like this job."

"Remember when we were kids?"


Flashback to when they were in school. We see a younger Whitney writing something...

"And so, I learned that you shouldn't try to change people, that they should be themselves. The end."

"Wow, that story was amazing."

"Well, thanks! Someday, when I grow up, I'm going to write stories!"

The flashback ends.


"Remember when we co-wrote stories together? Those were the days. Ah, but the show had its series finale a few years ago."

"Anything else?"

"No, I just want you to be nice. You can head back to work, now."

Mrs. Crowley leaves.

Meanwhile, back at Leif and Lola's house…

"Do you feel anything?"

"It feels like I have an ulcer."

"Well, pop an antacid."

"And…my breasts are ejaculating!"

"What?"

"See. There's a yellowish fluid oozing out."

"The website says that that fluid is called "colostrum", it's a form of milk that our baby will consume once it's been born."

"Oh, that's a relief, I thought it was some sort of pus."

"No, colostrum is completely normal. It's almost time for the big day. Are you ready?"

"Yes."


Stage 9:

"Everything hurts!"

"That's because it's almost time. We need to get to the doctor."

Leif drives to the hospital, while I scream in pain for most of the ride. He arrives at the front desk.

"Ah, yes. The doctor knew you'd arrive here soon, Mr. and Mrs. Loud. Head to room 624 of the OBGYN ward."

He rushes into the room. The doctor is already there.

"Ok, Mrs. Loud, lay down on the bed, while we get ready."

The contractions start, Leif can only look on in horror as I was experiencing the worst pain in my life. Eventually, after what seemed liked hours, our baby was born. The doctor cut the umbilical cord and wiped away the thin membrane protecting it, after all, it won't need it anymore. She gave our baby to me and said:

"Congratulations, Mrs. Loud, you've given birth to a healthy baby girl!"

"YES!"

Leif wanted our baby to be a girl, while I wanted it to be a boy.

"So, what are we going to name her?"

"I've been thinking about it for some time, but how about…"

"Alexa?"

"Wow, a name that doesn't start with "L"?"

"Why not break the mold?"

"Well, Alexa is a fine name, Leif."

I turn to our newborn.

"Hey there, Alexa. We can't wait to shower you with love."


Preview

"Ok, sweetie pie, spell out the word "petunia"". I gently nudged at her

She writes down a word.

"Ok, let mommy see how you did."

I read off the letters one-by-one.

"P-e"

"This is a good start, Alexa."

"c-u-n-i-a"