Surviving Is Just Step One
Author: Cheryl W.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or any rights to Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.
Summary: By the time Sam figures out that trekking through a forest, looking for a Wendigo, is the last place on God's green earth Dean wants to be, it's too late to turn back. No Slash.
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Chapter 7: Celebrate Your Victories
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Rule #7: Celebrate your victories, because you probably won't be alive to whine about your loses.
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SNSNSNSN ~ Present~ SNSNSNSNSN
Lungs and legs burning at the relentless pace Dean was keeping, Sam finally has to call uncle. "Dean, hold up. Hold up," he implores amongst his hard pants for breathe and slowing steps. When he reaches a hand out to ensure Dean stops, he doesn't miss the way Dean jerks away like he's been touched by a live wire, or that his brother's right hand curls into a fist or the glazed look in his eyes. It makes Sam glad he halted their little marathon, that, unknowingly, his lack of endurance managed to do some good, to drag Dean out of another Purgatory memory.
Ripped from his memories, Dean's next step is nearly a stumble, might have been something worse if Sam's grip on his forearm hadn't morphed from simply attention getting to supporting. But then he's alright, knows that it's not Benny or Cas running at his side anymore but Sam. Sam who isn't used to running every day, miles and miles, just to keep ahead of the monsters looking to gut him.
Coming to a stop, he watches as Sam doesn't just stop but finds the nearest tree and slides down to its base until he's sitting on the ground, his breathing loud to Dean, like a beacon to whatever's close by wanting a snack. 'Chill Dean! There's only one thing out there and you can deal with it. I mean, one Wendigo?! Piece of cake compared to the odds you used to face off against, remember?!' he rebukes himself, ashamed of his needless fear.
Head resting back against the tree trunk, Sam watches Dean, marvels at the change in his brother from one moment to the next. Closing his eyes a moment, Dean exhales and then the tension in his body melts away, is put away. 'Stowing his crap,' Sam catalogues, quoting his brother and as necessary as that sometimes is, Dean's made it an art form, his go-to plan when dealing with something that hurts him. 'Yeah, and talking to me…where's that rank on his 'how to handle crap that's tearing him apart' list? Tenth? Fiftieth… after all the crap between us since his return from Purgatory?!'
Having shaken off the worst of his apprehension, Dean looks down at Sam, teases, "What? You eat too many tofu burgers while I was MIA?"
And Sam and Dean both know the difference in their physical stamina, it has nothing to do with Sam's eating habits the past year…or the past thirty years. Sam avoids pointing that out, say sinstead with mockingly lightness, "No, more like I don't want to be totally spent before I face off with a Wendigo."
Dean smirks, affectionately lobs at Sam, "Wuss," before he puts a hand out to Sam, offering his help to Sam to gain his feet.
Taking Dean up on his invitation, Sam's hand closes around Dean's forearm and then Dean's pulling him to his feet, bringing him to a stand inches from Dean's position. And in that moment, their eyes meet, and Sam's breath catches because Dean's eyes aren't the reflective mirrors they have been, are showcasing warmth…for him…but he also sees glimpses of things Dean won't talk about: pain and dread and the new scars Purgatory seared into his soul. And it's a rare thing, Dean letting him this close, allowing him a free pass behind his barriers, letting him see, just a fraction, of what he's feeling. Because for all the time they end up spending together, they haven't really been close, have avoided touch and have wholly banned direct eye contact unless it is absolutely necessary.
Sam opens his mouth to say…something, he doesn't even know what, but before he can, Dean releases him and for a moment, Sam reaches for him again but then he fists his hand to stop himself. As hard as it is, he has to let Dean go, has to let his brother slip away from him, has to allow Dean to drop the protective wall around him again. But it hurts, being sentenced back out to the perimeter, to be relegated to helplessly looking in on his brother's pain. But forcibly storming Dean's walls?! It rarely ever worked and when it did, that feat had happened when they were close, didn't have a hundred hurtful issues between them. That tactic certainly wouldn't work now.
Pretending to have missed Sam's half grab for him, Dean announces, "Come, on. We'll slow down the pace," jerking his head in the direction of the camp. But he doesn't start to walk until Sam does.
Again pacing Dean, Sam keeps shooting looks to his brother as they maneuver through the forest. And it's too much, having that small opportunity of Dean opening up to him slip through his fingers. He can't let it go, thinks maybe if Dean's focused on the hunt, he might be more likely to slip up, say something he might not usually admit. It's underhanded but Sam can bear the guilt if it gets Dean to talk to him, in some small way eases some of the horror of the memories that Dean's living with. "So you said Cas has been different since he's back…that you knew something was up with him from the start."
Dean shoots Sam a sharp look. "You doubting my instincts?"
Sam quickly corrects Dean's misconception, his tone pitched kind, not judgmental, "No, Dean. That's not what I'm saying. I just…he doesn't seem different to me."
Dean looks away from Sam, focuses on the forest ahead. "You don't know him like I do," and it's not a brag, is simply a fact.
"Rrriiight…" Sam draws, "the 'profound bond' you two have. But still…what was clue one? I mean, from the second he appeared in the bathroom with you…."
"While I was shaving, Sammy," Dean pointedly interjects. "While I was shaving. Don't ever say that clause without saying that too."
Sam can't hold back a smirk at his brother's adamant request for propriety, which is funny considering Dean's lack of modesty. "Fine, the second he appeared in the bathroom with you while you were shaving, you sensed something was off."
Avoiding, Sam's eyes, Dean mutters under his breath, "He didn't hug me."
Sam's eyes widen. He must have heard his brother wrong. "Wait. What? Say that again."
"You heard me," Dean grouses, stalking a few paces ahead of Sam.
"No …I didn't…couldn't," Sam humorously replies, picking up his own pace to again come shoulder to shoulder with his brother. "Your whole starting basis for this theory that Cas is off since he came back from Purgatory is "he didn't hug you?"" He doesn't shrink at Dean's glare but revels in it. "Man, things must have really changed between you two in Purgatory. Were hugs daily occurrences or just spontaneous? Wait, I forgot, you are the guy who used to wear a "I Wuv Hugs" shirt."
"I was four, Sam!" Dean emphatically defends himself, shooting daggers at his brother.
Shaking his head in amusement, Sam smiles, lets silence fall as he sobers with an effort. Clearing his throat, he tries to get serious again. "Ok. I'll give you a pass on the shirt but…come on, I need a bit more, Dean. What? Cas got….chick-flicky in Purgatory?"
Dean's coloring goes red with embarrassment and his eyes do a hit and run with Sam's. But noting that Sam has his 'dog with a bone' expression on, he sighs, knows Sam won't let this go. "No!" he heatedly denies before he recants, "Well…maybe. He…he changed. Which I totally blame on Benny."
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With the remnants of Gordon's pack now half a day's travel behind them, Benny still couldn't seem to tone down his adrenaline or fight the urge to keep watching behind them. And though their stop now was precautionary so they didn't run head long into another hungry horde, the inaction wasn't sitting well with him. So he paced, and each time he passed the angel, who was doing his statue impersonation, was standing at the very edge of the clearing, right where he had stopped when Dean first ordered their little group of three to hold up and get their bearings, something became more evident to Benny. When curiosity got the best of him, he halted in front of Cas and drawled, "What are you pouting about?"
"Angels do not pout," Cas indignantly denied without sparing the vampire a glance.
Benny laughed at the angel's rejection of what any fool with eyes could see. "Sure thing, hot wings."
"Don't call me that," Cas angrily warned, those cold eyes coming to land on the vampire.
Benny held his hands up in mock surrender but his taunting smile was still there. But the angel's attention was already abandoning him, returning to its former subject. Tracking the angel's gaze to Dean, noting that the angel was intently watching Dean's every move, Benny suddenly got it, understood what had the angel acting so out of sorts. However, he quickly determined that the angel's emotional baggage wasn't his business. But then Dean turned around, gave Cas a look, a wounded look, like he too sensed the angel's distance, a distance that Dean was taking personally. Suddenly, Cas' brooding became Benny's business because he wasn't going to just stand back and let the misunderstanding between Dean and the angel continue. Not when it was hurting Dean.
So when Dean announced he'd scout to the west a ways, Benny found himself alone with Cas, which was a rarity really. But the opportunity was there and he was going to take it…for Dean's sake. "Don't be a spoiled sport," he cajoled, figured the angel wouldn't like a straight heart to heart so this avenue would have to do.
"I'm not…" Cas began to protest before he realized that he didn't know if he should protest. "What's a spoiled sport?"
"You." At Cas's glare, Benny smirked. "Don't pout because I showed my affection for Dean and you….well, do you have any affection for him?"
Immediately Cas' feathers were ruffled. "We share a profound bond!"
"Profound?" Benny mockingly parroted back, arching an eyebrow. But at Cas' smiting look, he conceded, "Alright, I'll let you have that one." He eyed the angel in silence for a full minute before declaring, "Beside you blew it."
Fully distracted, Cas abandoned his partial attention on the spot where Dean had melted into the forest and slipped from his sight and turned angrily to Benny. "You know I do not understand what you're saying."
Benny looked away, ahead. Did it more to not look at Cas because he didn't want the angel to recognize that, what Cas was feeling, he was familiar with it. That Dean managed to bring the same emotions out of both of them. "It was the first smile of joy I ever saw from him." Turning to Cas, he pinned the angel with his gaze, wanted to make Cas accountable, for the angel to know what he had…and somehow didn't even know how precious it was. "When Dean found you, hugged you, he was so happy to see you and you…. " Benny broke off, shook his head. Bitterness coated his next words. "You didn't hug him back, stood there like….like some statue. Told him that you heard him praying to you and …." He clenched his jaw, fought back his anger at Cas' callous reply to Dean's vulnerability. Because anger, it was never a good thing with his vampirism.
But Cas didn't need Benny to finish. He knew the mistake he had made there, that he was still making, had made in the past. Hoarsely, Cas sorrowfully admitted, "I don't deserve his loyalty."
Flickering a scornful look to Cas, Benny bitterly chuckled, "You think I do? Dean just…deems you worthy and that's it, done deal. Then it's on you to not disappoint him."
Cas hung his head, made a visible swallow then turned his back on the vampire to stare out into the forest, to the horrific world around them that he had little hope of protecting Dean in. "Lately I have done nothing but disappoint him…fail him…..hurt him…in the worst ways." Then, because he deserved the vampire's censure, he took a breath and turned to face Benny.
For all the times Cas seemed nearly without emotion or facial expression, it was almost startling for Benny to see the depth of grief now reflected on the angel's countenance. "He doesn't seem to be holding a grudge."
"He should be," Cas fiercely spat, angry that Benny seemed to be right, that Dean wasn't keeping his guard up with him. And he should be, needed to, because the last thing Cas wanted was to have the opportunity to hurt Dean again.
"Yeah and who's going to make him?" Benny posed with amused disdain, because he knew Dean's stubbornness first hand. "I know you're an angel of the Lord and all, but I don't have much faith in you swaying him in much. 'Specially considering he somehow talked you into killing a Leviathan and getting yourself sent down here."
"I owed him my loyalty…my life….whatever small measure of good I have left in my soul," Cas vowed solemnly, knew that no matter what he did now for Dean, it would never make up for what he had done in the past to Dean.
To Cas' surprise, Benny didn't mock his devotion.
"I hear you. 'Bout the same way I feel…." Benny concurred with a heavy exhale. Then he waited for the angel to make a comment but the angel's eyes were wide with astonishment at his declaration. "Except I don't make it a secret from him, what I owe him, how much I value what he's offering me."
And though Benny had risked his life to save Dean back with Gordon, Cas found himself testing the vampire, challenging his loyalty to Dean. "Yes, Dean is offering you a way out of Purgatory."
Benny's eyes darkened at Cas' assumption that the only value Dean had to him was his ability to carry him to freedom. "No, what he's given me is his friendship," Benny stridently corrected, stepping up to Cas, daring the angel to doubt that declaration. "He's had my back like no one, alive or dead, ever did. I would die for him and the terrifying thing is, I know he would die for me. He is a true brother to me."
Cas suddenly looked ashen, even for an angel. "Once….he said I was like a brother to him. And he asked…pleaded with me to not do something." He vividly remembered standing in Bobby Singer's living room, Dean asking him…begging him to not open Purgatory's door, to not side with Crowley against him. "But I didn't listen to him and I …I lost my way, destroyed his trust, destroyed everything. He will never see me as that again."
Benny's smile was almost gentle. "Dean hacked his way through a hundred miles of monsters to find you. I think that says more than a fraternity test ever could." Then he walked to the edge of the clearing, gave the angel some space…needed some space himself. It was just more proof of the man Dean Winchester was, that he was too loyal for his own good, forgave things he shouldn't. And now that Benny was a recipient of Dean's tenacious loyalty, he was afraid he too would fail Dean. Because failing the people he cared about, that was Benny's specialty.
Silently, Cas watched Benny walk away, detected some misgivings in the vampire but could not determine why. But the vampire's words, they had cut him to the quick and rightfully so. In trying to keep himself from hurting Dean, he had closed himself off, was determined to keep Dean at arm's length and in the process…he had ended up doing what he had set out to not do: he had hurt Dean. Cursing the entanglement of emotions, he wondered how Sam did it, how he managed to not hurt Dean, knew what to say and how to help his brother when he was suffering.
It was something heaven had never taught Cas.
But Dean…he had been trying to teach him just that. To show him how to navigate human emotions. Had hugged him by the river, tightly. Had used that gesture to show him that he was glad to see him, was rejoicing in the fact that he wasn't dead. And, like Benny had said, Dean had smiled at him…because Dean somehow still managed to care about him, value him, want him with him. Even after everything he had done.
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A few minutes later when Dean returned from his scouting trip, he barely took two steps back into the clearing before Cas crossed over to him and pulled him into a fervent hug that was nearly bone crushing. Wheezing in the embrace, Dean speculated, "I step into a time warp…been gone a year or something?" Over Cas' shoulder, he looked to Benny, who was sporting a satisfied smirk.
"Nope you been gone a few minutes, ten at the top," Benny announced.
Looking to Cas, who hadn't released him yet, Dean began, "Cas, what's…."
"I didn't want you dead," Cas declared, arms still encircling Dean, didn't want to let go until Dean understood what he was trying to tell him. That he had been scared when Gordon and his pack went after Dean, scared that he would lose the person he had come to value the most.
Confused, Dean stammered, "Cas, I just went scouting a few yards away…"
Afraid Dean would pull away, Cas fisted his hands in the back of Dean's jacket and held on. "I was glad to see you at the river…waited anxiously every night to hear your prayers to me…to know you were alive. I …I …I am sorry…"
At Cas' words, Dean finally understood what was up with the angel, that this was a delayed reaction, that Cas had stored this up for what…months now?! Instead of pushing the angel away, Dean put his arms around Cas, returned the angel's embrace. "Hey, I get it, Ok. And we're good." Then he pulled back, and Cas left him go this time.
Putting his hand on the side of Cas' face, Dean said, "And if anyone's sorry, it's me. I guilt tripped you into helping me take down Dick. I'm the one that got you stuck down here, Cas."
Cas pulled on a half-smile, "I came for you in Hell, it's only right I be with you in Purgatory."
Pulling his touch from Cas, Dean smirked but his eyes were alight with gratitude and affection as they held Cas'. "Someone should teach you about self-preservation."
"Well, it won't be you 'cause you don't know jack about it," Benny drawled, earned the attention of the human and angel. "Now can we go or are we gonna have a good cry first."
"Shud up," Dean snarked and then they set out again, three against the world. And those odds when it came to those three didn't seem so lousy.
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Stepping directly into Dean's path, Sam exclaims, "Wait, you ran into Gordon! And you didn't think that was something I should know!" Cas and his new habit of giving out hugs totally forgotten.
Dean offers up a careless shrug. "What's it matter, he's dead." Because talking more about Gordon, telling Sam about his last conversation with Walker, wasn't on his to-do list. Like ever.
But Sam isn't dropping it. "Yeah, well…he was dead before." Then Sam's mind replays the ingrained memory of Gordon's attacking Dean in that warehouse in sharp, vivid color. Remembers savagely pulling Gordon off Dean before the vampire could drink Dean…or turn him. Even then he knew it had been a close call, had had his fair share of nightmares about it afterward, of being too late, of losing his battle with Gordon, of losing his brother to Gordon's sick hatred of him.
"Well, if there are 9 circles of Hell, maybe Gordo's in another circle of Purgatory. Either way, I don't think we'll be having another reunion. Least I hope not. Now, put it back into high gear Sammy," and with that Dean steps around Sam and ups the ante by starting once again to run.
Dean's quick departure tells Sam in no uncertain terms that the conversation is over, that Gordon's yet another forbidden topic. And that just causes Sam's stomach to roil because it signifies that his brother's confrontation with the hunter managed to heap more hurt on his brother's soul. Recalling Gordon's knack for pretending he knew Dean, understood Dean, of convincing Dean that they weren't so different, Sam feared that the hunter had pulled the same psychological crap on Dean in Purgatory.
'Just when I thought I couldn't hate Gordon more than I did before…' Sam silently thinks, wishes, not for the first time, that he had been with Dean in Purgatory, that once again he had had the satisfaction of ending Gordon Walker, of snuffing out the hunter's life before he could hurt his brother, physically…or emotionally.
Cursing Walker and the cruel twist of fate that had the demented hunter and Dean's paths cross again, Sam set off in the direction Dean had. Let his mind settle on something less disturbing then Gordon. Like a Cas prone to hugging Dean. Ok, only slightly less disturbing but so entertaining. 'When we get out of this place, I'm getting him a "I wuv hugs," t-shirt.' A second later he made another declaration, "And he is so not allowed to have any more reunions without me." Because Dean might be his big brother but that didn't mean Dean had the market on wanting to fight his brother's worst battles for him.
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As they run, side by side, Sam gasping for air, Dean barely breaking a sweat, the forest grows quieter the closer they get to the camp. It's a sure sign, for experienced hunters like they are, that something is skulking in the woods that terrifies all of nature.
When Dean comes up short before the research team's camp is even in sight, Sam does too, kinda. He takes a few more steps before he realizes Dean isn't at his side and backtracks to his brother. Over his own harsh breaths, he tries to determine what his brother has heard but comes up with nada, no telltale sounds, no movement in the trees, and no broken branches around them, no off scent, no sixth sense warning tingling down his spine. Turning to study Dean's face, he instantly knows that whatever Dean is sensing, it's not good. Before he can interrogate his brother, Dean cautiously moves forward without a sound, his flare gun in hand and Sam devotedly follows him.
At his first clear sight of the camp, Dean mutters, "What the…" with sick bewilderment as he steps out into the open.
Carnage desecrates the camp. The ground's littered with body parts, human organs and blood is splattered…everywhere.
And amid the butchery stand Mac, Zeke and Vicki, their glove covered hands dripping with blood and they are respectively holding, a human heart, a jar of blood and a human ear.
Suddenly Dean wonders if the Wendigo's not the lesser evil lurking in the woods with him. Beside him, Sam puts away Ruby's knife, draws his gun and sights it on the crazy trio and thunders, "Don't move!"
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TBC
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Thanks for reading!
And I just loved all the reviews on last chapter! I'm so glad you enjoyed my chapter dedicated to Purgatory and Dean's mad fighting skills.
Have a great day!
Cheryl W.
