"Oh, but please! Judge away! Looking down from your high horse, making everyone feel like–" Gumball Watterson, January 28, 2016
Chapter Synopsis: Lyle gets diagnosed by a doctor
"Well, the day has finally come. Now, we will finally find out why Lyle is acting the way he is."
Scene transition to the living room, the entire family is there.
"So, why'd you call us down here, mom? I was kind of planning world domination before you interrupted me." Lyle said sarcastically
"Lyle, I think it would be best for you to get checked out by a doctor." I urged
"Why? There's nothing wrong with me."
"Look, can you just do this for me…"
"Fine, if it will make you happy, mom. But I'm just warning you ahead of time. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm being totally sincere."
Lyle goes up to his room to prepare for the doctor's visit. I turn on the TV. It's currently on the news channel. It seems some familiar faces are making an appearance.
"Say, isn't that your brother?"
"Yes, it is."
In the newsroom…
"Breaking news! Royal Woods Police have arrested a loony fan at Lindsey Sweetwater's house. Sweetwater has already filed a restraining order against the man, but it did little to deter him. They also swatted his house and found a stalker shrine dedicated to her. Now to our correspondent on the scene."
"Yes, I'm Leon Loud, and I've just finished interviewing the victim."
"Ok, so that creep called me and said he was a fan of me. He claimed that he was there 22 years ago. At the model recruitment pageant. As I'm sure everyone knows because it was broadcasted nationwide, I was Michigan's contestant for the national ANPMC contest. I just barely managed to eke out the win. Then that creep started to stalk me and said really creepy sexual things that TV wouldn't air, so I got a restraining order against him."
"But, as we know, that didn't do anything. And police even have body-cam footage of the nut-job masturbating in the bushes outside her home. Luckily, we have journalistic standards, so we won't show the sexually graphic footage, but we can say that he said it was to prepare for the real thing."
"So, the police have filed stalking, disorderly conduct, and attempted rape charges against him. He's now being held in the Royal Woods Jail, pending sentencing, but we have new information that Lindsey Sweetwater is suing him for severe emotional distress, is that right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Well, you heard it here first. We'll let you know if there are updates to this story. Now back to you."
I turned the TV off, and head to my trophy room. It's filled with trophies, scepters, crowns and sashes. Lyle comes down and sees the closet room opened.
"Hey, what's this stuff, mom?"
"Mementos of my former life."
"Former?! Why would you want to ever leave such an amazing lifestyle?"
"It all started 22 years ago with the ANPMC recruitment pageant. I had to face my rival one last time. And, no matter what the outcome, I would have given up my pageant career, either way. I'll just tell you, I got 2nd place, being only 1 point behind 1st. So, my rival actually managed to beat me…"
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that…"
"Yeah, well apparently, she didn't know having a modeling career would bring some…hidden dangers." As I think back to the news broadcast of what happened to her, and knowing that if I won that recruitment and national competition, that creepy fan would stalk ME!
"Actually, I feel kind of bad for her."
"Really?"
"Yeah." I said as I close the trophy closet "But now, it's time for your appointment with the doctor."
I drive my family to the doctor's office. We sat down in the waiting room until the doctor arrived.
"Lyle?"
We get up and head to one of the diagnostic rooms. Though he told us to wait outside before escorting Lyle inside.
"I'm Dr. Jordan Koch, and I'm here to perform some routine checkups to make sure you're ok."
He takes down some measurements.
"Well, you look physically fit, now for your mental checkup. Due to this, I will ask a few questions."
"I plead the 5th!"
"I'm not a cop, and all of this will be covered under doctor-patient confidentiality."
"Ok. Ask me anything, doc."
"Earlier, you pleaded the fifth. So, have you ever been arrested?"
"Yes."
"What for?"
"They said it was for prank calling 911, but doc, I swear! I was telling the truth to the cops."
"What did you tell the cops?"
"That my dad raped my mom."
"And did he?"
"Well, I'm alive, aren't I? How could I even be born if that crime didn't happen? What's worse is that he did it twice."
"Ok, now do you love your mom?"
"That's a stupid question, of course I do!" Lyle said as he turned bellicose
"Let me recount the tale of Oedipus, who killed his father and married his mother. My question is, do you have an Oedipus complex?"
"No, I would rather gouge my eyes out than do that!" Lyle said, while reviling in disgust.
"Ok, and what about your sister?"
"Yes, I love her. In a familial way, of course."
"Ok, and your father?"
"Well, he committed a despicable crime against our mother, so I hope he burns in the 9th circle of Hell. Why? Because he betrayed our mother with this crime!"
"Now, is there a chance that you could be wrong?"
"I doubt it. Me and my sister are living evidence of his act. I don't understand why our mom continues to defend such a horrible person. I think she's moonstruck, and thus cannot think rationally."
"And how would you describe your relationship with your mother?"
"Like a knight defending his queen."
"I see. Have you ever wanted to enact vengeance on your father committing the crime?"
"I still do."
Dr. Koch listens intently.
"You know, I had my chance to kill him. But...our great-grandfather died, and I didn't want my mother to suffer even more grief. I don't think that she can handle the deaths of 2 people that she was close to. So, I wrote a temporary cease-fire, until she was done grieving the loss of her grandfather. Of course, I won't tell him that because I want him to suffer."
"Ok. I think I have all the data I need. You're free to go, but I need to talk to your parents."
Lyle leaves as Lola and Leif enter the room, Dr. Koch locks the door behind them.
"Ok, so physically. He's fine. But mentally…"
"Yes?" I asked
"Well according to my notes, Lyle is a narcissistic sociopath. He thinks he's infallible in his reasoning, and it seems that the only emotions he feels is toward you two. Since these are personality disorders, there isn't really a cure for them. Sorry, I can't really help you much."
"Oh, can I call you later?" I ask
"Sure?" He writes down a number, which I take
I drive us home, where we began setting up dinner. Lyle of course, refuses to touch anything Leif made, but he did eat the cake I made.
"Ah, you've outdone yourself, Lola."
"Yeah, this cake is so delicious!"
"Mm, it tastes feculent."
They all look at Lyle.
"Uh, I believe the word you're looking for is "decadent"?" Alexa tries to correct him
"No, that means mom's cake would be sinful, and we both know that's untrue."
"You're right, it is sinful. Sinfully good!" Leif chimed in
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brother. But you just said mom's cake tastes like shit. That's what feculent means."
Lyle realizes he did say the wrong word and starts groveling in front of me.
"Please, punish me! I said the wrong word! I marred your cooking abilities! Come on, hurt me! It's my penance!" He begged to me
"I won't hurt you, you're my son! Just please choose your words more carefully next time." I implored
"I thank you for your mercy, mother."
"Ok…that happened." Alexa noted
I turn to Leif.
"Leif, do you think I'm a bit…commanding?"
Leif begins to answer, but Lyle interjects.
"Mom, don't listen to this loser. You're perfect just the way you are."
"Thanks for your input, Lyle. But you're biased."
"Am not!"
"Are too!" Alexa countered "You idolize our mother, so of course you think she's perfect!"
"Leif, is it true? Am I…prideful? Do I have hubris?"
"Well, you are a bit…full of yourself." He admitted
"Oh, I see."
I leave.
"You hurt our mom's feelings!" I should kill you right now!" Lyle shouted at him, while Alexa tries to calm him down
I call a number.
"Yes, Dr. Koch? Can you diagnose me? Oh, you have a spot open right now. Ok, I'll be right over."
I drive back to the clinic and meet up with Dr. Koch.
"Doctor, I think I have NPD."
Dr. Koch looks a bit stunned.
"Well, you might be a little self-centered, Mrs. Loud, but do you really believe that you have narcissistic personality disorder?"
"Maybe, though I can tell you it was more prevalent when I was 6-years-old."
"Well, I can diagnose you, but I'm not a psychotherapist, so I can't treat you."
"That's fine, I just want to know if I have it."
"Alright, well let's begin. First question, did you feel that you should be the center of attention?"
"Well, I did want people to pay attention to me…"
"Ok, did you usually feel like you deserve things, and get upset when things don't go your way?"
"Well, when I was younger, I was a bit spoiled."
"Did you feel like everyone should bow down to your presence?"
"Yes."
"Did you blow your accomplishments out of proportion in order to make yourself look better?"
"No, but I was proud of myself when I did achieve something."
"That's only natural. Next, did you have delusions of grandiosity. Now what I mean by that is did you ever dream of success, power, intelligence, beauty or the perfect guy?"
"I was a pageant queen back then, so naturally, I had to keep up my image. I did want to be a queen or an empress, whichever had the shiniest crown, back then, maybe even world domination was an option. But as for the perfect guy…well, he got away, but we're still friends to this day."
"I see. Now did you hang out with people of the same perceived socioeconomic status as you?"
"No…"
"Ok. Now did you mock people who aren't up to your level?"
I feel a wave of guilt wash over me.
"Yes, I always treated my twin sister and brother horribly. I feel so terrible."
"Did you expect people to do whatever you said?"
"If they didn't, I would blackmail them."
"Did you manipulate others for your own ends?"
"Yes…"
"Did you care about anyone else but yourself?"
"It did take a while, but I eventually formed a temporary truce with my brother."
"Did you think you made anyone green with envy?"
"My twin sister, Lana. She should act like me, but she prefers getting dirty than being prim and proper like me."
"Were you condescending, pretentious and maybe conceited back then?"
"Yeah, I felt like I was in control."
Dr. Koch writes down my responses.
"One last question. Do you want to change?"
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I answer with only one word.
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"Yes."
"Ok." He says as he writes down a number "This number is for an associate of mine. If you have any personal problems, I think she'll be able to help you."
"Thanks for everything, Dr. Koch."
"You're welcome, Mrs. Loud."
I drive back home and head into my room, glancing at the number he gave me.
("Don't worry, guys. I promise to be a better person.")
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("For you.")
Preview
I head into room 426 and see a woman with ash brown hair and wearing what looks like a lab coat coated in electric purple with a shocking pink insignia of the human brain on it. This associate is going to be very interesting, though I feel like I know her for some reason…odd.
"Oh, so you must be the patient that Jordan was talking about. Well I don't really have a name, just a whole bunch of aliases. But for now, you can call me Carpe."
"You look like someone I know…" I pointed out
