"Who has a never-ending thirst for fun and games? Me, the one and only Quizmaster, that's who!" -Quizmaster, July 28, 2017

Chapter Synopsis: Lola goes to see Dr. Koch's associate, who's a bit eccentric, to say the least


"As I prepared to go see Dr. Koch's associate, Leif stopped me."

Scene transition to Lola about to leave the house. Leif is right behind her.

"Hey, Lola can I tell you something?"

"Sure, what is it."

"I think I need a gun, you know, for protection."

"Why do you say that?"

"Ok, I'm terrified of Lyle. I feel like he could assassinate me in my sleep anytime he wanted to. I can't even sleep with both eyes closed anymore."

"Don't worry about Lyle. I'll keep him away from you."

"But what about when you're not at home? Alexa can't deter him forever…he will make his move eventually! Please, Lola! I'm so scared!"

"Ok, I'll think about it."

"Really, thanks."


I leave to go to find this associate of his. I look at the address and see what kind of looks like a hospital. I enter and approach the front desk. I tell the receptionist that I'm here to see Dr. Koch's associate (He never wrote the name, just the address and the phone number. I guess he forgot it).

"Ok, she's in room 426."

I head into room 426 and see a woman with ash brown hair and wearing what looks like a lab coat coated in electric purple with a shocking pink insignia of the human brain on it. This associate is going to be very interesting, though I feel like I know her for some reason…odd.

"Oh, so you must be the patient that Jordan was talking about. Well I don't really have a name, just a whole bunch of aliases. But for now, you can call me Carpe."

"You look like someone I know…" I pointed out

"Oh, I get that a lot. Who do I look like now?"

"Our former neighbor, Diem Doan. The only difference is she has black hair and you have brown hair. Is brown your natural hair color?"

"Yes, aren't you quite the cosmetologist!"

"I guess that would make you a Doan-pleganger." "(Even Luan could make something better than that, Lols! Step up your bad pun-making skills!)"

"Oh, that's good. You wouldn't mind if I steal that from you, would you?"

"Go ahead."

"Now, what did you want to do?"

"Help lessen the symptoms of my narcissistic personality disorder."

"Oh. Well, people with NPD usually are displaying a masquerade to hide their own insecurities. But not to worry, I think I have a machine that can help you combat them. I call it the BOI Machine." She said as she takes off the cloth covering it

"Boy Machine?" I asked inquisitively

"Yes, and I already know what you're thinking. It doesn't help females attract males. Because the acronym is B-O-I, not B-O-Y. It stands for Binding Of Isaac Machine. What this does is it transfers your insecurities into a boss. The machine will scan you and place your avatar into the simulator, where you'll fight said insecurity-laced boss. Defeat it to move on to the next one, or if it is the last one, you win, and I'll turn off the machine. Best of all, this machine is powered with brainpower alone! I just need to hook up my computer to monitor your progress in the simulation."

"Wait isn't that a video game?"

"Yes, but I already got permission from someone named Florian, who claimed he was the original programmer for the game."

"Oh, ok."

"That reminds me, this machine has the ABP upgrade. It has everything from the DLC included."

"So, would you like to test it out?"

"Sure."

"Just as a precautionary measure, can you sign this waiver?"

"Oh, sure."

I sign the waiver.

She hooks me up into the BOI Machine.

"Now, I'm sorry to do this because it takes so long, but it's necessary for the simulation. Can you answer a questionnaire?"

"Sure."

"Right, thanks again. I'm trying to streamline it for future use."


The questionnaire begins.

1. Is it okay to cry?

Yes

2. Do you like onions?

Yes

3. Would you eat a spoiled onion?

No

4. Are you clairvoyant?

No

5. How attached are you to your pets?

Very

6. Would you use a broken mirror?

No

7. Do you find toilet humor humorous?

Ew, no!

8. Are you a friend to flies?

No

9. Do you seek penance for your sins?

Yes

10. Do you prefer solitude or solidarity?

Solitude

11. Do you like flies?

No

12. Do you feel like you deserve a second chance?

Yes

13. Would you eat a psychedelic mushroom?

No

14. Would you take a syringe if it helped you?

No

15. Do you have a heart?

Yes

16. Do you like liver?

No

17. Do you lose keys a lot?

No

18. Would you like a free dollar?

Heck yeah!

19. Fancy a bag of bombs?

No

20. Have you ever considered self-harm?

No

21. Want to know anything special?

Yes

22. Would you eat expired food?

No

23. Would you eat dog food?

No

24. Do you need a wooden spoon?

No

25. Do you use a belt?

No

26. Did you use hand-me-downs from your mother?

Not me, but my eldest sister, Lori did.

27. Have a lucky foot?

Yes

28. Are you a heartbreaker?

No

29. You a fan of Edmund's?

No

30. Are you good, bad, or neutral?

Neutral

31. What star do you see? (shows picture of a pentagram)

A "good job" star.

32. Do you have fun with magnets?

Yes

33. Do you like knowing where to go?

Yes

34. Do you have eyes in the back of your head?

No

35. Can you build a bridge?

No

36. Do you leech life?

No

37. Are you energetic?

Yes

38. Do you like savings?

Heck yes!

39. Like special coupons?

Yes

40. Like buy one, get one free?

Yes

41. Do you like technology?

Yes

42. Do you like old, middle or new tech?

New

43. Do you like chocolate milk?

No

44. Do you pray?

No

45. Want a quarter?

Yes

Well too bad, you have max coins, you can't carry anymore!

46. Have a PHD?

No

47. Want X-ray vision?

No

48. Do you like the number "666"?

No

49. Would you sign a blood pact?

No

50. Want 9 lives?

No

51. Are inverted crosses Satanic to you?

Yes

52. Are you a trickster?

No

53. Do you like spiders?

Yes

54. Would you like spider mutations?

No

55. Has someone thrown a rock at your head?

No

56. Do you consider yourself adventurous?

No

57. Blue crosses heal you?

No

58. Are you an angel?

Yes

59. Are you sick?

No

60. Do you have a parasite?

No

61. Do you have an explosive radius?

Yes

62. Would you eat this cookie? (shows picture of a wafer)

Yes

63. Do you believe money equals power?

Yes

64. Knives or guns?

Neither

65. Do you believe in ghosts?

No

66. Do you prefer a faster recharge?

Yes

67. Want to charge ahead?

No

68. Ready to embrace your inner Dracula?

No

69. Want to get cursed?

No

70. RC bombs?

No

71. Mmm, fattening? (imagine saying this in Homer Simpson's voice)

No

72. Want a bag of bombs?

No

73. Did Santa ever give you coal?

Not yet, trying to keep the streak alive.

74. Are you a cat person?

No

75. Do you feel your sins crawling on your back?

Yes

76. Poisoned bombs?

No

77. Do you like pageants?

Yes

78. Want to be scalped?

No

79. Do you have an explosive temper?

Yes

80. Did you ever lose a fight?

Yes, tons!

81. Ever been burned by acid?

No

82. Would you trade HP for items?

No

83. Revenge?

No

84. RU2SPOOKY5ME?

No

85. Do you believe in resurrection?

No

86. Will a shield protect you?

Yes

87. Would you be willing to get hurt for said shield?

Yes

88. Crack the whip?

No

89. Giant tears?

No

90. Does your fate protect you?

No

91. A real heart or a pure heart?

Pure

92. Regrow from a single cell?

No

93. Do you believe in fate?

Yes

94. Is your heart pure?

No

95. Try to keep your eyes open?

No

96. Do you think the Holy Grail will ever be found?

No

97. Are doves meaningful to you?

No

98. Does the mirror show your true self?

No

99. Kaboom?

No

100. Does random equal success?

No

101. Meat?

No

102. Do you believe in those magic 8-balls?

No

103. Ever use a squeezy?

Yes

104. Like grape juice?

No

105. Want one of everything?

No

106. Does your head hurt?

No

107. Do you have the golden touch?

No

108. Do you have a pack of supplies?

No

109. Off with your head?

No

110. Harder mode?

No

111. Want to play the waiting game?

No

112. Do you wear contacts?

No

113. Do you have toxic blood?

No

114. Have an offering?

No

115. Are you in a cult?

No

116. Would you like to keep on fighting?

No

117. Still wearing a bandage?

No

118. Water bombs?

Yes

119. Are you all over the walls?

No

120. Stationary projectiles?

No

121. Are you an arsonist?

No

122. Have you ever acted out a "50 Shades of Grey" BSDM fetish before?

Heck, no!

123. Have something rare?

Yes

124. Still have a piggy bank?

No

125. Have a coughing fit?

No

126. Do you have dark powers?

No

127. Sticky fingers?

No

128. Slow down?

No

129. Look to the stars a lot?

No

130. Does everything die around you?

No

131. Did you read the fine print?

Yes

132. Are you infamous?

No

133. Protection with effort?

No

134. Do you wear glasses?

No

135. Like secrets?

Yes

136. Like options?

Yes

137. BOGO bombs?

No

138. Read your future?

No

139. Take pills?

No

140. Have a lucky shedding?

No

141. Have you been hurt recently?

No

142. Do you have a screw loose?

No

143. Bombs ablaze?

No

144. Hotheaded?

No

145. ARE YOU ERROR?

No

146. Do you strike fear into your enemies?

Yes

147. Curse protection?

No

148. Close combat?

No

149. Embracing your evil side?

No

150. Are you the Zodiac Killer?

No

151. Do you wear mascara?

No

152. Are you yourself?

Yes

153. Do you wear bows?

No

154. Did you skip leg day?

Yes

155. Attractive to everything?

No

156. See your destiny?

Yes

157. Mutagen?

No

158. Do you spin me right round, baby?

No

159. Do you still believe in your family?

Yes

160. Mind-bending tears?

No

161. Activate God-mode?

No

162. Back from the brink?

No

163. Do you know all?

No

164. Do you feel all?

No

165. Are you all?

Yes

166. Uh, shouldn't you get that repaired? (shows a watch)

Yes

167. Can you pinpoint evil?

No

168. Are you hyper?

No

169. Do you feel split in half?

Yes

170. Lucky key?

No

171. Tinder of dark thoughts?

No

172. Are you toxic?

No

173. Are you a minelayer?

No

174. Want to go to the ball game?

No

175. 2 uses for 1 item?

Yes

176. Are you smart?

Yes

177. Fan of heavy metal?

No

178. Bombception?

No

179. One direction fan?

No

180. Shots that pierce everything?

No

181. Do you play with dolls?

No

182. Are you a sniper?

No

183. Salt the Earth?

No

184. Are you Bomb-proof?

No

185. Are you a shopaholic?

No

186. Are you a wide-eyed idealist?

No

187. Are you a fan of microtransactions?

No

188. Do you think fortune will smile upon you?

Yes

189. Are you the envy of everyone?

No

190. Do you have the kiss of death?

No

191. Targeted shots?

No

192. Laser of tears?

No

193. Emergency rations?

No

194. Do you believe in destiny?

No

195. Gooey bombs?

No

196. Want random items?

No

197. Do you feel an aura?

No

198. Do you have a black ring of protection?

No

199. Are you dead inside?

No

200. Split-off tears?

No

201. Do you bathe in the blood of your enemies?

Ew, no, gross!

202. Mutually exclusive items?

No

203. No hit-run?

Yes

204. Do you have pockets?

No

205. Like fruitcake?

No

206. Prefer to call help in dark places?

No

207. Need protection?

No

208. Ever wore a bag on your head?

No

209. Are you aware of your surroundings?

Yes

210. Do you wear pajamas?

No

211. Throw money at your problems?

No

212. Surprise bombs?

Yes

213. Does your shadow protect you?

No

214. Ever use a binky?

No

215. Calcified pain?

No

216. Will you embrace the dark arts?

No

217. Do you believe in the razor blade candy myth?

No

218. Ever been stabbed by a pencil?

No

219. Attack with canines?

No

220. Ever got a cavity?

Surprisingly, no.

221. Did you ever get sliced by glass shards?

No

222. Chance to reflect shots?

No

223. Glare of greed?

No

224. Are you a seer?

No

225. Ever had varicose veins?

No

226. Bone barrage?

No

227. Twice the trinkets?

No

228. Did your father have a lucky coin?

No

229. Are you an airhead?

No

230. Ever lose something down there?

No

231. Do you have a viral common cold?

No

232. Do you have glaucoma?

No

233. Vengeful tears?

No

234. Are you acidic?

No

235. Is balance important?

No

236. 360-degree shots?

Yes

237. Death everywhere?

No

238. Electrified shots?

Yes

239. Have you ever eaten super spicy food?

No

240. Prefer camouflage?

No

241. Do you believe in Yin and Yang?

Yes

242. All-encompassing purity?

Yes

243. Sackception?

No

244. Wealth of health?

No

245. Ever had a zit?

No

246. 1 hit-1 kill shots?

No

247. Care for Pokémon Go™?

No

248. Will you stab people in the back?

No

249. Are you a party animal?

No

250. Glitched systems?

No

251. Mad bomber?

No

252. Hemoelectric charge?

No

253. Decaying death?

No

254. Prismatic circle?

Yes

255. Eyeballs to the wall?

No

256. Care to fulfill the original assassin's hit list?

No

257. Targeted blood bursts?

No

258. Cannibalistic tears?

No

259. Righteous ammo?

No

260. Extra items?

No

261. Are you a bookworm?

No

262. Feel safe?

No

263. Sick yet?

No

264. Marble madness?

No

265. What's inside?

No

266. Skipped water?

No

267. Bone blood?

No

268. Bony protection?

No

269. Holy shit?

No

270. Bone stabby?

No

271. Dad's love?

…No?

272. All your fault?

No

273. Mandibular boomerang?

No

274. Osteoporosis?

No

275. Where's the body?

No

276. Reloadable bomb?

No

277. Throwable bomb?

No

278. Teleport?

Yes

279. Ever eat a penny?

No

280. Coprolite?

No

281. Leaked electricity?

Yes

The questionnaire FINALLY ends.

"Ok, all data inputted. Good luck, Mrs. Loud."

She hooks me up to the BOI machine and turns it on...


Preview

"This is the story of a woman named Lola."


Author's Note: The questionnaire that Lola answers could have been WAY MUCH LONGER. With a total of 626 questions, it's quite a miracle that it only managed to hit 267, and that's even with some streamlining based on Lola's answers. The questions correspond to a certain item, and depending on how the user answers, it may or may not give that item in the simulation. Note that pills, runes and cards are excluded. Pills are too random (health down, I found pills, full health), runes could potentially make it unfair (algiz) and some of the tarot cards are overpowered (hierophant). For example, question 161 asks to activate God mode. If Lola had said yes to that question, she would have gotten the Godhead item. But she didn't want to be too overpowered, and thank goodness, otherwise the story would have been very boring if Lola could win that easily. Besides, these are her insecurities! It's not supposed to be easy for her.