Placing the contacts case on the coffee table, Kuon has a few false starts as he tries to think of how to approach everything with her. All his plans for this conversation had flown out the window when actually face-to-face with Kyoko. Nervous energy running through him, Kuon paces slightly across from the couch Kyoko chose to sit on. She had motioned for him to join her but he waved har off, rubbing his hand against his neck in attempt to calm himself. His stomach was a riot of butterflies now that he was actually here with her. Voice cracking slightly Kuon finally says, "You know how I asked if I could call you Kyoko-chan?"
Kyoko's face is a picture of confusion as she didn't expect this line of conversation before it morphs as she tries to prevent her expression from collapsing upon hearing her name pass his lips. Grabbing her face she recovers enough to nod for him to continue.
"I also wanted to ask if you would call me by my name?"
Shaking her head vehemently, Kyoko says "No! I could never be so disrespectful to call my senpai by his first name!"
Sighing, Kuon tries to reason with her, "But I am not just your senpai, right? I hope we are friends at this point, maybe even something more?"
"That makes it worse! I could never call you by your name without my face breaking, Re- Tsuruga-san!" Kyoko says, covering her face with her hands as a blush steals across her cheeks after attempting to call him Ren. Kneeling down beside her, Kuon gently grabs one of her hands, hoping to see her expression and to look into her eyes.
"That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. You know how you want me to call you 'Kyoko-chan' using your stage-name?" Kyoko nods hesitantly.
"And you remember how we discussed that 'Ren' is my stage name after your encounter with stalker-kun?"
Kyoko nods again, an expression of understanding dawning on her face as she lowers her other hand.
"So I wanted to speak to you about… about my real name. So you may feel more comfortable also addressing me by my stage name? And maybe one day…. by my real name? And I could call you by yours… when you are ready?"
Kyoko nods hesitantly again. Taking a deep breath, Kuon gives Kyoko's hand a squeeze before letting go and standing from his kneeling position at her side. Only at this point does Kyoko notice what positions they were in and a light blush crosses her checks again.
Kuon continues, "But before I can ask that of you, there are a few things I need to… come clean about. A few things, as I said before, that I need to tell you the truth about."
His hands shaking, Kuon moves around and sits down on the floor in front of Kyoko, the coffee table between them where the contact case rests. Reaching out, Kuon opens the contact case. Kyoko's head tilts as she notices the case is empty. A few seconds later her head snaps up as she stares into his eyes, the gears turning in her head.
"I know you saw my case for the contacts I wore as Cain. But I didn't show you that I also wear contacts as Ren… and no, not prescription contacts."
"…your eyes," Kyoko mutters, as she watches him remove his coloured contact lenses.
Brilliant green stare into glowing amber for a moment before Kuon adds, "Not just my eyes," and reaches up to remove his 'Ren' wig and places it on the table. Giving a self-deprecating smile, Kuon says, "Hi Kyoko-chan."
Kyoko sits there, frozen in place. "You- I- Corn!" She cries out before rounding the coffee table and punching him lightly on the arm.
"Why did you - how long have you- why did you lie to me?" Kyoko asks as she softly hits his arm again.
Wincing, Kuon says, "I was a coward?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you asked me about it, I was still fighting myself. You were so open with 'Corn' that I didn't want to ruin things by telling you I was 'Ren'. Honestly, I was a bit jealous of myself in Guam." Kuon says, chuckling slightly.
"Jealous, why?"
"It's like when I told you I was jealous of Fuwa, you were so open and… intimate with me as 'Corn' but you usually put up a wall when you interacting with me as 'Ren'. I understand now, you were trying to protect yourself? By putting me on a pedestal and thinking of me as your senpai, an unreachable person, you didn't have to worry about your feelings showing?"
Kyoko nods a bit, "I also didn't want others to get the wrong impression."
Thinking about her answer, Kuon asks, "You didn't want to be alienated by the other cast members for being just another Ren-fan? Especially one that was so close to me?"
"…Yes."
Grimacing slightly, "I'm sorry I've put you in that position."
"No! It's not your fault. That's just how people are; I even had people on set asking me about you and Kana-san's relationship because they know we have worked together."
"You had what? I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," Kyoko says, "I know it's not real now. And pretending disappointment in you is a good way to deflect from my… true feelings."
Grabbing Kyoko's hand that had stopped hitting him and was resting in place, Kuon pulls the pair of them up and back onto the couch. Kuon refrains from pulling Kyoko into a hug and settles with cradling her hand in his.
"Me being 'Corn' is not the only thing I wanted to talk about. And I do have more explaining to do about that, but I must say you are taking this better than I expected."
Kyoko hums for a second before turning her hand over and squeezing his. "I think, subconsciously, I knew the truth already. A few of the things you have said to me or done are so similar as 'Corn' and 'Ren', but I didn't want to face the truth."
Rubbing his neck again with his free hand, Kuon glances down at their joined hands before saying, "And have you figured out that I am Kuon? Hizuri Kuon?"
He feels it as Kyoko freezes in place, barely breathing. It is a few moments before, as Kuon is waving his hand in front of her face, Kyoko says, "I'm here."
"Sorry, I thought you fell asleep or something, you were frozen."
Tilting her head, Kyoko takes a long look at Kuon, from head to toe and back again. "Hizuri…Kuon. As in fath-Kuu-san's son, Kuon."
"Yes."
"How… why… is that why they are here?" Kyoko asks, attempting to draw her hand out from his.
"No! Well, I mean yes, I asked if they could come, but both of them really love you! They are both over joyed to spend time with you no matter what our relationship ends up like." Kuon states, giving her hand one last squeeze before he lets her take it back.
"They are here to spend time with you, because they really like you, for you. Not because of what you mean to me. And I asked them to come so they can answer any questions you may have…. They are also here because I haven't seen them in several years and I could really use their support being here again."
Gripping his wrist, Kuon pulls back a bit as his expression darkens. Noticing this, Kyoko reaches out, gently resting her hand on his hand on his wrist.
"If you are willing, I will tell you how and why I became 'Tsuruga Ren'. How the Kuon you knew, from our childhood, changed into the man before you. And what the goal is I hope to achieve, before, as I said at TBM, I could ever ask if you would let me call myself your boyfriend."
Looking at the determination and sadness on Kuon's face, Kyoko nods, "Okay."
Kuon takes a deep breath and begins, "When I was little, I loved my parents. But they were often busy with work and didn't always notice how hard I was struggling. It was difficult to find a place to belong when people would point out that I was a foreigner or 'mixed-blood mutt' because of my looks and my name. Or I would have the people on the opposite side of the spectrum that would only interact with me as a way to get closer to my parents. As I got older and tried to begin acting, so many people hired me because I was Kuu or Juliena's son. They would expect me to act to the caliber of my father, a bar that I often fell short of."
"Father's shadow is too big," Kyoko mutters.
Kuon nods head, "As I said in Guam, I felt like I've been cursed since birth, unable to find happiness and causing those around me to be unhappy."
Kuon hunches over his lap more, squeezing his wrist.
"My parents were sad and at a loss on how to help me when I got fired from job after job, so eventually I gave up telling them about it. I would pretend that I left because I didn't like the story, or my role, and slowly started distancing myself from them and acting. It was then that I met Rick."
Kuon pauses, smiling so heartbrokenly that a tear runs down Kyoko's face at the broken man in front of her.
"Rick became my best friend, showing me how to stand up for myself and pushing me to do better. Him and his fiancee, Tina, would hang out with me and bring me out of the isolation I created."
Taking a deep breath, Kuon says, "But then I got cocky and… mean. I enjoyed fighting too much, taking my anger and resentment out on the guys who had bullied me when I was younger, and other thugs that hung around town. I was no longer fighting to defend, but to cause pain."
Lowering his head in shame, Kuon's body tenses as he remembers how he used to act, how it was like to be 'Dark Kuon'.
"That was you," Kyoko begins hesitantly, breaking the silence, "During Tragic Marker when you weren't Cain and you weren't BJ."
Kuon nods, "I snapped. I didn't even realise it until I heard you call out and I noticed my surroundings. You saved my life then; both with the thugs and with Murasame."
Pulling back from Kyoko's touch, Kuon says, "I had handled myself for so long, not being 'Kuon', holding back my darkness, but then one one mistake and I snapped."
Moving forward, Kyoko places her hand on his again, "Stop. The time with the thugs, you were trying to protect me. With Murasame, I think you were under so much stress, trying not to be Kuon, to not be yourself, that when something he said triggered you and reminded you of your past, you acted on it. That doesn't make you bad, that makes you human."
"You've seen the something similar happen to me," Kyoko adds, wincing slightly in embarrassment, "For the longest time any mention of Shotaro or seeing him would cause me to seethe with rage. My whole focus would be getting revenge on him for his betrayal and the hurt he caused me. We both have different sides to us. But I know I am, and I think you are too, learning to accept that part of yourself? And to not let it consume you?"
Kuon nods, a ray of hope in his eyes at her acceptance so far, but this quickly dims as he gets ready to say the worst part. "If it was only the fighting, I may have turned around one day. But then Rick… he… I… killed him."
Tears run down Kuon's face as he continues; Kyoko is frozen in place as she tries to process what he is saying.
"There was a fight… there was always a fight…so many people. I just wanted them to pay. Rick wasn't even supposed to be there. He was supposed to be on a date with Tina that night. I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop… but Rick kept pulling me back. Then one of them ran off, knocking over Tina. I couldn't stand that, so I ran after him, across the street." Kuon was sobbing now, his whole body shaking.
"I didn't know what was happening for a moment when I heard the screech. All I noticed was Rick was no longer yelling after me. I turned around and saw the car go past, confused. Then I heard it, Tina's sobbing and screaming. Rick was on the ground, covered in blood. Tina was yelling murderer and all I could see was the blood. The pool of blood pouring out of Rick and slowly cree- slowly creeping towards me." Kuon's voice breaks and Kyoko puts her arms around him the best she could. It is several minutes as Kuon cries and Kyoko hugs him before he is able to continue.
"I was numb for a long time after that. I am not even sure if I went to Rick's funeral. My parents were at a loss for what to do, that's when Boss, President Takarada, came to visit. He spoke with my dad and then offered me a choice, stay here or go with him to Japan and rebuild myself."
Kuon shrugs, "So I went with him. We developed me a new identity and I started acting again. 'Tsuruga Ren' was everything I was not as Kuon, the super gentleman and a more mature person. I threw myself into my job both as a distraction and as a passion. Acting was the one thing that I still enjoyed and that made me feel alive. I also set myself a goal, that I wouldn't return to America or see my parents again until I was a top tier actor."
"I stayed like that for a long time, until you came along and broke down the walls in my heart that I had carefully constructed around 'Kuon'. I didn't believe I had the right to love anyone as I had ripped Rick from his life with Tina. But I couldn't stop noticing and being aware of you, especially as you pulled Kuon, me, out from behind my 'Ren' facade."
Giving her a watery but sheepish smile, Kuon says, "When you dropped the Corn stone in the stairwell at work, I realised you were the girl I had met in Kyoto when I was younger. One of my greatest childhood treasures was meeting you and becoming your friend those few days. So I paid attention to you, as I tried to reconcile the past you with the current you. But it wasn't long before I just was looking out for you and wishing I could see you."
"Actually," Kuon adds, shaking his head, "It wasn't until my issues with Dark Moon and a discussion with a chicken of all people, that I realised I was falling in love with you. After Guam, and what you helped me realise then, I finally felt like I could start accepting myself again. Also, I realised I didn't want to remain shackled to my past. Although I can't fix what happened with Rick, I want to try living for the future and not the past anymore."
Taking a deep breath, Kuon turns towards Kyoko, "I don't want to pressure you in any way. I still have a lot of work to do, and part of my goal now is to work on myself. To be the best person I can be as both Ren and Kuon. And maybe seek some therapy because it's not fair for me to burden you with all my issues. But I want to tell you, I have never really felt comfortable anywhere, except when I am with you. I want to work towards the future, but hopefully a future with you in it. When we were kids, and especially now, I feel like I belong here, beside you, in whatever capacity I can be."
At this, Kuon slowly pulls Kyoko closer, returning her embrace but giving her time to pull away if she needed to.
"However, I hope that it would be as friends, and not as senpai and kouhai," Kuon whispers in her ear, "and maybe, sometime in the future if you still feel the same way, as your boyfriend?"
Kyoko's ears go bright red at this, mumbling something incoherent that sounded vaguely like playboy before nodding.
Kuon pulls back slightly, grabbing one of Kyoko's hands from his side and raising it up to his lips. Leaving a kiss on her pinkie, like he did in the elevator, he leans forward and rests his forehead against hers saying, "Thank you."
A/N: A long one today! I spent so much time procrastinating doing real life chores (like cleaning) by writing this and consulting my many volumes of Skip Beat for the references I wanted. I'm still missing a few, I could not find the ones I was looking for and fell down the rabbit hole of reading various volumes for fun before remembering I was trying to finish this chapter and having no idea what I had went looking for! Oh well, it's always a great time re-reading Skip Beat! I hope you enjoyed this! Day 6 Prompt: Belong / Alienated
