Surviving Is Just Step One

Author: Cheryl W.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or any rights to Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.

Summary: By the time Sam figures out that trekking through a forest, looking for a Wendigo, is the last place on God's green earth Dean wants to be, it's too late to turn back. No Slash.

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Chapter 17: Second Chances

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Rule # 17: There are no resurrections here and second chances are few and far between.

SNSNSNSN~ Purgatory ~ SNSNSNSNS

When the brilliant flash of his grace receded, Cas quickly lifted his hand from Dean's eyes, anxiously peered down into his friend's still dull gaze. "Dean? Are you alright?" the angel intently demanded, because, though he could no longer hear the echo of Dean's silent scream in his head, the silence that followed wasn't all that reassuring.

But Dean didn't make a reply, didn't blink an eye, didn't move.

Fearing that his actions had been in vain, Cas beckoned with a thread of panic in his voice, "Dean, speak to me," as he cupped Dean's face with his hand. But Dean's reaction was only a disquieting lack of reaction. Rationale giving way to his fear, Cas slid his hands behind his friend's neck and back and tugged Dean upright with a little more force than care.

Having not regained an ounce of control over his body, the momentum of Cas' tug had Dean doing a nosedive …right into the unforgivably hard plane of Cas' chest. Which he rebounded from a second later, was sliding back to the ground when, in the nick of time, Cas' arms slid around him and the angel pulled him forward again. Dean's chin, however, clunked against Cas' collarbone.

Tasting blood in his mouth, Dean mentally grumbled, 'Great, add 'bit my lip' to the day's humiliations.' But on the bright side, the agony was backing down from supernova to just a single star exploding.

Benny, finding movement was finally possible, rolled to his side, pulled his legs up and bowed his head, curled up like the insect he had almost become. "Sweet mother," he choked out, voice still raw from his scream and the abating agony. "What did you do? I felt like you were roasting me from the inside out."

Not used to Dean submissively allowing him to be in his "personal space", it took Cas a moment to realize the vampire expected a reply. Though he didn't raise his unblinking gaze from the crown of Dean's head as his friend bonelessly rested against him, Cas unflappably explained, "I emitted a small portion of my grace. I thought it the best way to kill the caterpillars and expel the toxins without causing Dean irreparable damage."

"Dean?! What about irreparable damage to me?" Benny challenged in indignation, though he actually wasn't faulting the angel's priorities.

At the question, Cas' eyes alighted on Benny. "I was uncertain of the effect it would have on you since you are…." Cas broke off, didn't think it would be appropriate to call Benny a monster after the time they had spent together.

But another voice didn't hesitate to throw out the slur "..a monster," Dean mumbled, face still pressed into Cas' jacket but glad that his tongue was finally doing its thing.

Benny huffed, "I saved your hide, about got turned into a bug doing it, and that's the gratitude I get," but there was mirth there, a celebration that they had all scraped by another death trap and would live, at least a little while longer.

"Caterpillar," Dean tiredly corrected Benny, found that he could close his eyes, felt tingling in his arms and legs but could still not actually move. "Turned into a caterpillar then a butterfly, if you're really lucky."

His face resting in the leaves, unmindful that he was squashing dead caterpillars, Benny snorted, "Right, cause you think that would be lucky. I gotta say, being turned into a vamp, didn't hurt as bad as that there just did."

"The complexities of the organisms' internal…" Cas began but Benny and Dean both cut him off with a hiss, "Cas!" Getting the message, Cas fell silent, but wasn't inactive, began to brush the remains of caterpillars from Dean's back while still keeping a supportive hand on Dean to ensure the man remained upright. "Dean, I believe feeling will return to your extremities soon."

"Feeling, yeah, movement…not so much," Dean acknowledged, hated the encompassing weakness, that he was slumped against Cas's chest, was being friggin' held in the angel's arms. But his mind numbing fear was fading. And he found that, even though he would be fully vulnerable if something hungry came strolling along their path right then, he trusted that his friends would keep him safe. That Benny and Cas wouldn't let him die here if it was in their power to save him.

Though it was all kinds of crazy, he felt a peace settle over him. Dying, he had come to terms with that. Fear, that was just there to keep him alive. It was the being alone part he had never been good with. But here, he didn't have to worry about that. Benny had proven a thousand times over that he was too stubbornly stupid to abandon him to save his own life. And Cas, he had stayed with them, even when the Leviathans had attacked, even through his repeated 'I'm a danger to you' speeches he hadn't bailed on him again, seemed intent on playing the guardian angel card Cas teased him about being.

But more unexplainable than the peace was the spike of dread Dean felt, not that he would be locked in Purgatory forever but that he wouldn't. That he would find the portal, get out, get free. Because then what? He didn't know how long he had been gone, if Sam was alright, if Sam.. 'Will accept what I've become.' Because he might not have turned into a caterpillar but Dean knew he had changed, was something more twisted than he was after Hell.

"Just wondering, Dean. Now that you're the monster, would Sammy have the same mercy on you that you had on him? Or will your 'virtuous' little brother be so disgusted by what you've become that he slits your throat in your sleep. Part of me hopes so."

Gordon's taunt echoed in his head, would maybe never go away…until Sam proved the sadistic hunter wrong…or right. And honestly, Dean didn't know if he was going to be brave enough to show Sam who he was now, what he was. Because if, after all this horror and fear and pain, he got out of here just to end up losing Sam's respect and love….

Crap, he couldn't think that way or he wouldn't have the courage to find the portal, let alone walk through it. Would stay here with the other monsters, would maybe shove Cas through. 'Yeah and if you don't go, you'd condemn Benny to staying here too. Wow, great payback for all he's done for you.' Nearly sighing, he realized that there was no chickening out, that he had to find the portal, had to walk through it, had to save his friends even if he ended up condemning himself to a solitary life topside. And maybe that was for the best, him being alone. He had already told Benny they should split up when they got out, didn't ever really worry that Cas wouldn't wing off the second they got on firm ground. And if he found Sam, if things couldn't be the way they were before, if he told Sam how he had been down here and his brother couldn't stand to have him around….he'd have to accept that. Accept that some things, they changed you forever and there was no going back. That you had to just put one foot in front of another, move forward, don't quit. Because, for whatever reasons, Cas and Benny and Sam, they all had found value in him enough to save his life one time or another, …and he couldn't forget that, belittle that. Besides, his mom had taught him to be grateful for gifts given…even when the gifts sometimes sucked.

But it didn't suck now, to be alive, to be even where he was because the company he kept, it was stellar. And the funny thing was, he didn't choose either of them, had in fact, threatened both Cas and Benny's lives at their first meeting. But then again, the old saying was you couldn't choose your family. Course, sometimes, if you were really lucky, your family chose you.

SNSNSNSN~ Present ~ SNSNSNSNS

It wasn't the best night's sleep Sam had ever gotten, what with the nurses coming in all hours of the night to check Dean's vitals, to take blood and then there was that episode with Dean jerking awake, eyes wide, sweat instantly beading on his forehead, the heart monitor readings going wild.

SNSNSNSN~ Four Hours Earlier ~ SNSNSNSNS

Jolted awake more by the change in his brother's breathing than anything else, Sam's head snapped up from his comfyish position on the side of Dean's bed and his blurry eyes flew to his brother's face even as he came surging to his feet to lean over his brother. Both afraid to touch Dean and afraid to not touch him, he went on his instincts, reached out, laid his hand on Dean's chest and knew, if Dean had the strength he would have bound off the bed and tackled him to the floor. As it was, Dean's only defense was to swing out with a feeble punch, which Sam caught in his hand before it could glance off his jaw. Then lowering their bound hands onto Dean's chest, he softly but emphatically proclaimed, "Hey, it's Sam. You're ok. You're safe," but seeing Dean's anxiety wasn't subsiding, he clarified, "We're safe, Dean. I'm taking this watch, alright. You just get some more rest."

Dean blinked and some of his fight or flight compulsion receded, like he was getting what Sam was saying, was starting to believe the threat that was screaming in his mind, it wasn't real. That even if it was, Sam would handle it. He trusted Sam to handle it. But he still murmured, "If you need me…."

"I'll wake you, Dean," Sam vowed, his voice painfully gentle at Dean's tenacious instinct to protect him, even when his brother's strength was practically non-existent.

And then Dean had nodded and slipped back to sleep.

But sleep didn't come so easily for Sam. Not when he didn't know how long Dean could continue to do this, endure the night terrors, have the memories of Purgatory flood him during the days, pretend that he could put Purgatory in a box and forget it, move on. That Dean could keep that part of himsef hidden from him and not have it eat him up inside like acid.

'Dean talked about Hell eventually and he got better. So if I give him time…he'll open up to me.' But there was doubt there because Dean's trust in him, it wasn't as strong as it was before. 'My fault. Not his," Sam hurled accusingly at himself, knew he had handled Dean's return from Purgatory poorly, piss poorly. 'Fine, then I'll re-earn his trust like I've done before.' Because, even if Dean could stand the PTS effects of his time in Purgatory, Sam couldn't. Wouldn't be a helpless bystander to his brother's suffering, not any more.

SNSNSNSN~ Present ~ SNSNSNSNS

Stretching in the hospital room's visitor chair, Sam winces, can feel the muscles in his back nearly freezing up on him as he pushs himself to his feet. But his eyes don't waver from their lock on Dean, on a Dean who is still asleep, face still painfully pale against the pillow.

Vulnerable, his callous mind labels and that only make his stomach turn because he doesn't like seeing Dean vulnerable, ever. Makes his protective instincts burn brighter, makes him begin to think about things like how long Dean's fake ID and insurance information will hold out, if there are any Leviathans still out there trying to track them down, get payback for the way they had fizzled their making-the-world-their-buffet plans, where he could take Dean if they need to make a hasty escape. Certainly not to the derelict boat they had stashed Kevin on with Garth and their usual motel choices didn't offer up the most comfortable of beds, especially when Dean's back would be radiating pain a good long while. Not to mention Dean's lacking the strength to even roll over on his own at the moment.

'Hopefully I wouldn't have to move him, that I can give him time to heal up here.' And he can't help but wonder how many times Dean had been hurt in Purgatory and had to still keep running, push past the pain, ignore the pain. Because Dean had admitted it, said he remembered the pain from Purgatory and Sam knew from long experience that his brother didn't say that word casually, barely admitted to it at all when it came to himself. So Dean saying it….meant it had been bad…maybe often. 'And I was busy being freaked out about hitting a dog, whether the dog would make it?!' The comparison making him ill, how misplaced his priorities were, that he had managed to rescue a friggin' dog…and not his own brother. 'No, a vampire and an angel did that.'

And it hits him, not just the guilt, but his gratitude to Cas….and even to Benny. For being there for Dean when he couldn't. For saving Dean's life when he hadn't. For getting his brother out of Purgatory…and back to him. Silently he curses because he had drawn Cas aside when he returned, had thanked him for his part in that, but he left something undone: Benny. Thanking Benny. Because, like it or not, Dean trusted the vampire for a reason and Sam knew that only came about one way: Benny had proven himself worthy of Dean's loyalty.

Sam curses more viciously because he has done the opposite, has proven himself so unworthy of Dean's loyalty. Has given Dean little reason to ditch a vampire who, in Dean's own words, "Had never let him down" for a guy who has done little else but let him down. It doesn't take a genius to make the call on that one…and yet here Dean is, with him. Has parted ways with Benny and stayed with him. No matter how undeserving he is of Dean's loyalty, Dean bestows in on him anyways. Like he always did.

He doesn't know his eyes are welling until Dean shifts, until he rubs at his eyes, feels his fingers come away moist. Hand swiping quickly down his face to wipe away the remnants of his emotions, he focuses on Dean, watches as his brother's eyes flutter open, settle on him. "Hey," Sam greets and Dean hoarsely echoes it back. Then the silence falls but Dean is giving him a funny look, like he knows his brother just went through an emo-moment. But Dean's next words don't call him out.

"You sleep here all night?" Dean asks, worry and a shade of reprimand in his tone as he inspects his brother's rumpled, haggard appearance. He doesn't remember how they had left things last night but he had hoped Sam would have had the good sense to sack out at their motel instead of stubbornly staying in the hospital with him. Sam's shifting eye contact tells him he had hoped too much.

Avoiding Dean's question, Sam volleys back his own question, "How you feeling today?" When Dean's brow crunches up in frustration and his brother snarks back, "Fine, didn't need the all night vigil, Sam," he actually smiles because that is the Dean he knows and loves. Wonders how Dean would take it if he knew he had spent half the night holding his hand. He nearly smirks at the thought of Dean's embarrassment over that, must have let some of it show because Dean demands, "What?" the next moment.

Shrugging innocently, Sam denies, "Nothing." But Dean's narrowed gaze tells him his brother isn't buying that. Changing topics, he announces, "Was going to go grab a shower, change. You need anything?"

"Besides getting out of here?" Dean grouses, though he knows at the moment any escape plan would resort to Sam carrying his about useless carcass out of the hospital. Crap, he hates being weak

Sam's smile is gentle, knows that Dean knows his physical state as much as he does. But he doesn't point that out, simply replies back with a light, "Yeah, something other than tthat?"

"Clothing, shoes …"

"Dean," Sam gently cuts into Dean's one track demand.

Dean rolls his eyes in defeat. "Fine, comb…"

"Thought I was the vain one…" Sam teasingly interjects but Dean determinedly talks right over him.

"…toothbrush, something to read."

At that last demand, Sam stalks back to the chair he had vacated, snags a bag off the ground and tosses the array of magazines he had bought from the gift shop onto Dean's lap. Dean's eyes shoot up to Sam's in surprise, "A.D.D. much?! Sam, there are enough magazines here to last you a week." Picking up a magazine, he gives Sam a weird look. "And since when do you read about muscle cars? Sam, you told me yourself you had to take an online course to learn the parts of a car before you could fix up the Impala."

"I got the magazines to read them to you, you ungrateful jerk," Sam laughingly shoots back, enjoys the way Dean's eyebrows jerk upward in surprise. "Got you this too," he proclaims before he pulls the Snuggles Bear look alike out of the bag, tosses it at his brother and laughs as it pings off Dean's face. Dean's reaction time is so shot.

Picking up the stuffed animal that Sam had assaulted him with, Dean turns it around, gets a good look at it. Immediately he knows why Sam got it for him and it has nothing to do with Sam being a kind-hearted brother. "Dude, you know this fabric softener bear …"

"Creeps you out…." Sam helpfully finishes, laughs out loud when Dean scowls. And when Dean wings the bear back at him, he takes that as his cue to leave the room…nearly at a run.

SNSNSNS ~ Present ~ SNSNSNSN

When Sam returns to the room three hours later, he finds Dean asleep…and with the bear sitting up on the nightstand, seemingly watching over him. Obviously some of the nurse staff had "helped" Dean display his gift. It would have been priceless to see Dean's scowl at their thoughtfulness.

He is about to reach his designed chair when his brother's voice breaks the silence.

"You know I'm salting and burning that thing the second someone gets me a lighter, right?"

Sam smirks as his brother's green eyes open and settle on him as he reclaims his rightful spot at his brother's side. "Come on, Dean. It watched over you while I was gone." When Dean actually manages to shift up right a bit on the bed and levels a pretty lucid glare at him, he points at his brother, "Hey, you're the one who got me that Plunky clown …for therapy, right? So this is your therapy to get over…what's it called when you're afraid of stuffed animals?" he tries to ask with a straight face.

Instantly Dean railes back, "It's not fear, it's …."

"What, precaution?" Sam taunts, using Dean's own words against him.

A knock on the room door cuts off Dean's comeback, which would have been rife with swear words, has them both looking to see the medical personnel who falsely deemed it permissible to interrupt them. But Sam surges to his feet at the sight of the person at Dean's hospital room door.

"Hope me being here's OK. I just wanted to make sure Dean was alright," Zeke nervously opens with, wholly uncertain of his welcome as his eyes move from Dean's battered form in the hospital bed to the standing statue that is Sam.

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TBC

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Ok, I have to confess, when I wrote the group abandoning a hurt Dean to go after the Wendigo, I totally wasn't going to spare Zeke but you guys just liked him so much and so did Sam and Dean….that I couldn't break all your hearts. I decided that my loyal readers should have a say in the story that you've all been so graciously egging me on to continue to spin. So I hope you enjoyed the surprise of Zeke's survival and I know some of you, (AlecDeanFan) guessed where this was heading. You guys are just too smart for me!

I'm thinking I can wrap this story up with the next chapter but you all know how wordy I get sometimes so we'll have to wait and see.

Thanks for reading and for your lovely comments that so make my days better.

Have a great day and for those in the USA – Happy 4th of July!

Cheryl W.