Everyone wore their whitest clothing, which I thought was strange for a funeral, but it was shadowhunter tradition. Simon and Luke were not attending because no downworlders were allowed in the Institute; they didn't even get to say goodbye. When the service began, Clary, Jace, and Isabelle stood in a cluster with Alec off to the side. He hadn't gotten close to Clary or myself since the accident, never saying a word.
I stood on the other side of the room, as far as I could get from them. Now that they knew of my darkness, they acted strange in my presence. Not like before when I was treated as a kid, but now they treated me like an outsider...like a freak. No one else in the Institute knew, except for Aldertree. But that didn't mean they weren't cautious. After Aldertree suddenly removed the wanted order from Jace and me, the other hunters questioned our loyalty.
I got out of my jumbled thoughts as it was time to say last respects. Clary went up with Jace, putting a rose on my mother's chest. Clary bent down and kissed her on the forehead as Jace squeezed our mother's hand.
Then it was my turn. I walked up to her as Clary and Jace went back. I also placed a rose on my mother's chest as a tear fell from my eye onto her cheek. She did try to kill me, but she was my mother, and I couldn't truly hate her. I gave her one last hug as I wiped away my tear.
I moved back into the crowd as my mom was covered up. The priest and three others had come from the City of Bones for the funeral. The priest stood at the front as the other three stood near each of the bodies. The priest gave the shadowhunter oath and a nice speech about Jocelyn and the others.
Then he nodded, and the other three started swirling their arms over the bodies whispering some kind of spellwork. Wisps of light flowed from each of the bodies toward the ceiling. The watery light looked like blue glittery snow as it fluttered out the nearby window. The light did a few swirls as it ascended toward heaven.
When the light vanished, everyone made their way out of the room so the bodies could be buried. Clary was hugged and greeted as I snuck into the training room. Since we came to the institute, I always came to the training room to vent my emotions by beating things. Clary liked to cry and share. I kept it inside and beat stuff up.
I went over to the wall of weapons and grabbed a wooden practice stick. Then I made my way over to the corner and started to beat the punching bag, hard. With every swing, I gained speed and strength. Getting out all my anger, frustrations, and guilt.
The punching bag didn't last long with the strength I now had. After only a few blows, the bag ripped, and sand poured onto the floor. As the last piece of sand left the fabric of the bag, Alec came in to check on me.
"You okay?" Alec asked as I set the stick back on the rack.
"Yeah, just peachy," I replied in a sarcastic tone.
"I'm sorry about what happened to your mom," Alec murmured, leaning against the door frame with puffy eyes.
"Alec, you don't have to apologize. None of that was your fault. I don't blame you, and neither does Clary," I said, turning around and walking toward him.
"It doesn't make me feel any less guilty," Alec muttered.
"I know. But just remember that it wasn't you. It might have been your hands, but it wasn't you," I said.
"I could say the same about you," Alec said, his eyes meeting mine. "I'm not scared of you, Carly."
"Are you sure about that? Because that's what it feels like. You were made a monster, while I was born one. Don't you get it?" I said as anger rose inside me. He was lying straight to my face, and it pissed me off. He can say that he isn't scared of me, but it will always be a lie.
"Carly, you're not a monster, and you're not alone. You have us," Alec suggested.
"No, I don't. I don't have anyone," I said as I became teary-eyed. I'm a monster, and I don't even have Jace to go through it with me.
"You have us," Alec repeated.
"No, you guys are there for Clary. I'm a monster, and monsters don't have friends," I said, walking past him. He tried to grab my wrist, but I pulled it out of his grasp and walked out of the room and into the bathroom.
I locked the door and stared at myself in the mirror. Anger surged through me as I punched it, shattering the glass. I looked at my hand as blood dripped down my fingers. It glittered in the dim light as I watched a drop hit the smooth white tile of the floor.
I moved my attention back to my hand, pulling the glass from my knuckles. After doing so, more blood surged from my wound. I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and wrapped it around my hand. After 6 layers, the blood didn't seep through; right away.
I splashed some water on my face, using a hand towel to dry it. As I was drying my skin, I looked at my hand and noticed something. I dropped the towel and screamed when I saw veins, black as coal, sticking out from underneath my skin. My once blue veins were matte black, starting from my palm to about a little less than halfway to my elbow. It looked like someone put tar in my veins, and my hand felt hot to the touch.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, so I yelled at the intruder, "Occupied."
"Are you okay in there? I heard glass shattering," Clary said worriedly through the door.
"Nothing to worry about, just finishing up," I said, shoving my bleeding and black-veined hand into my pocket. I opened the door as little as possible and squeezed my body through.
I closed the door, hiding my hand, as Clary looked me over with worry, "Are you sure nothing happened in there?"
"Nothing happened, okay," I said, running out of the room and out the front doors of the Institute.
Clary couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, so she opened the bathroom door. When she did, she saw the broken mirror, glass littering the floor, and bloodied toilet paper. Once she saw this, she ran after me, but when she got to the front steps, I was already gone.
After giving Clary another hug, Jace noticed Alec was nowhere in sight. He looked around the training room, and when he wasn't in there, Jace went to the only other place Alec would go. A few sets of steps later, Jace made it to the roof balcony. He searched around until he saw Alec sitting on the edge of the guard rail.
Jace got closer as he began to speak. "Alec, get down from there. Come back inside."
"I killed Carly and Clary's mother. How do I even face any of you?" Alec asked, looking over the edge of the building. So close to falling.
"We don't blame you, Alec. It's not your fault."
"That doesn't mean I don't blame myself," Alec said, turning to face Jace with tears in his eyes.
"Alec, come back inside. There's food and no heights," Jace suggested, trying to make Alec smile.
"I just can't."
Alec jumped from the roof. Jace ran to the side and leaned over as Alec's feet hit the ground. Alec looked from side to side as he vanished into the darkness.
Once off the Institute's property, Alec made his way downtown. After a few minutes of walking, he was at Magnus' apartment building. He pulled a lever, and the ladder for the fire escape came crashing down. Alec climbed up to Magnus' window and just sat there, staring up at the sky.
Alec looked for constellations and tried to keep his mind off of everything that had happened. He lost track of time, not knowing how long he had been there when Magnus finally noticed him.
"You okay?" Magnus asked, appearing by Alec's side.
"Not really," Alec replied, turning his head to look into Magnus' eyes.
"All you have to do is talk to them. Tell them what you're feeling, and they'll understand," Magnus reassured him.
"It's not that easy," Alec muttered, avoiding Magnus' gaze.
Magnus sighed aloud. "Nothing is ever solved with silence. Tell them how you feel, and they'll understand. You're the strongest shadowhunter I have ever met, you can do this."
"I'm not so sure," Alec muttered, wringing his hands.
"It was your hands that did the act, but it wasn't you. Don't beat yourself up for something you couldn't control. Tell them about your guilt, and they'll help you," Magnus said with a smile.
"Thank you, Magnus."
"No problem, Alexand…" Magnus began as he was interrupted by a banging at the door.
"Are you expecting someone?" Alec asked, raising his bow.
"No, I'm not."
After escaping the funeral and Clary, I made my way across town toward Magnus'. He locked it away the first time, meaning he could lock it up again. I ran all the way to his penthouse. I knocked with all my strength as the door opened.
"I'm kind of busy, what do…" Magnus began as I grabbed his arm.
"Please, help me," I said, looking up at him as he noticed my now-revealed hand. He nodded and helped me inside.
"Keep your hand hidden," Magnus whispered as he brought me to the couch.
"Carly? What are you doing here?" Alec said as he compacted his bow and put it in his pocket.
"Alec, I'm going to need you to leave," Magnus said, pushing Alec towards the door. "I need to help, Carly."
"Why can't I stay to help you?" Alec asked.
"This is something I know she doesn't want you to see," Magnus said as he pushed Alec out the door.
Magnus then made his way back over to where I was sitting. He sat on the couch across from me and grabbed hold of my hand. He rubbed the tip of his finger across my black veins. I looked over and noticed his facial expression go from worried to nervous.
"When did this show up?" Magnus asked in the most serious tone I'd ever heard from him.
"After I punched a bathroom mirror. I pulled some glass out of my knuckles, and then washed my face with water. When I looked back, I noticed my veins," I explained.
"The demon blood within you is spreading fast. You being possessed by a demon, the anger, and your blood being exposed to oxygen caused it to speed up its infection. Your veins are poisoned with the demon blood, and once those veins reach your heart, you'll be consumed by it," Magnus sighed.
"Consumed?"
"Once the blood enters your heart, the darkness will take over. Your eyes will turn black, your strength will tenfold, and the murderous urges will fall upon you," Magnus pointed out.
"Is there any way to fix this?"
"I'm not sure. I put the lock spell in place before the blood could really infect you. Now that it has, even if I did the spell, I don't think it would work," Magnus explained.
"How long do I have?"
Magnus' eyes met mine. "A week at most. I'm sorry, Carly. I wish there was more I could do."
"You have to know something that can fix this. You're Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn," I begged with pleading eyes.
"This is the first case to happen in a long, long time. I will research as much as I can in the next few days, but I don't know what else I can do," Magnus said. "I'm sorry, Carly, I truly am."
"Thank you for trying. Could you not tell Clary or anyone else about this? I don't want them doing anything stupid. I'll tell them when the time is right," I begged.
"I promise not to tell a soul. I know what it's like to be cast aside and considered a monster. Demons have black eyes, and warlocks have cat eyes. When my mother discovered what my cat eyes meant, she cast me aside like vermin. I might not be in your exact situation, but I understand," Magnus sympathized as the memory he had long tried to forget came rushing back.
"I'm so sorry," I said with a sad look.
"It was a long time ago, but I will do everything in my power to find a cure. Tell the others when you're ready, and I will keep your secret. In the next few days, you might feel feverish, so be prepared," Magnus said as I got my feet.
"Thank you for trying to help," I said as I made my way to the door.
"Don't do anything stupid."
"I won't."
