Here We Go

Proactive Ben had already texted Tucker and asked him to pick up Tuck from school and asked him to keep him for the weekend. He didn't go into much detail, but he gave Tucker just enough for him to understand that it was serious. Perplexed Ben was stuck between trying to be there for his wife and also giving her the space she needed to heal. It had been a few days since he'd gotten into town. Miranda wasn't ready to go back to work and he didn't exactly have a timeline on when it was acceptable to leave your wife when she was hurting. He emailed both the Director of the Residency program and his Chief Resident and let them know that he needed to take a leave of absence. He mentioned it briefly to Miranda before he sent the letter. "Unh-uh," she said as he composed a new email.

"What 'unh-uh'?" He smirked.

"You can't just stop your residency."

"I'm not stopping my residency, Miranda," he argued as he copied and pasted bits of the letter he'd been working on. "I'm putting it on pause."

"Why?" They were lying in bed. He was on his back and she was turned toward him with her eyes on the TV screen; it flashed silently. There was supposed to be a huge storm in a couple of days and everyone was being advised to get supplies.

"Because I need to be here… with you."

"Why?"

He sent the message and placed his phone on the nightstand and turned on his side. They were face to face. "Hi," he said kissing her chin.

"Hello," she said closing her eyes as her hands slinked up his back.

"Turning me on will get you everywhere," he told her.

She smiled widely. Damn, he thought. She was gorgeous when she smiled. He moved closer to her and put his hands on her hips. "No, no, no."

"What, baby?"

"I can't let you do it."

"I already sent it."

"It's done?" She asked deflated.

He nodded. "I'm doing it for us, babe. I'll go back when I feel like you're well and healed." He rubbed his beard against her cheek. She started to debate. "Let me do this." Miranda rolled her eyes; she was conceding. Ben kissed her neck and grabbed her hips and slid his hands up and down her body. He felt her relax. "So how are you?"

"Tired of people asking me that question."

"We just…"

"I know, but I'm devastated." She shrugged and turned away from him. He growled softly. "Thank you for being here."

"You're my wife; you don't have to thank me."

She took a deep breath. "I appreciate you being here. I feel better… with you around."

"I know."

"But I don't want you to jeopardize your career for something miniscule."

Ben climbed over her and stared her in the eyes. "This is important. This is me being here for you because you're hurting. I want to be here. And you promised me you wouldn't do… what you did."

"What?"

"You promised that you wouldn't keep me in the dark about stuff."

She smiled. "I'm still learning how to lean on you." Miranda's eyes started watering. "Sometimes I feel okay. Then I remember those patients and their families and then I'm not." She exhaled and tears fell from her eyes. Ben wanted to wipe them away, but he didn't want Miranda to think she should be embarrassed by them. Her pain was real. "And I feel awful." Ben didn't respond right away. He got behind her and just held her, feeling her body rise and fall against his with each breath. He kept his eyes open, staying silent for a long time. "Are you still awake?"

"Yeah," he answered. "Are you?"

"Yes."

"What are you thinking about?" She asked.

"Why didn't you tell me, Miranda?" He slid his fingers between hers. "You should have called me."

"I know."

"You were here in pain and I knew nothing about it."

"I thought I could handle it… you know?"

"I suppose." She pushed her body deeper into his. He closed his eyes and groaned under his breath. "I just wish that you trusted me enough to tell me." Miranda made a faint noise. Ben cursed.

"What?"

"I'm really mad at myself."

"What'd you do? You didn't do anything."

"I knew something was up, but I guess I ignored it."

"I don't follow."

"You said that everything was 'perfect' and I figured that everything was going well here and that you didn't really need me."

"I always need you, baby," she said turning around to face him.

"Yeah?"

"Yes." She touched his chin and pulled his face to her, kissing him slowly and softly.

"Maybe I should..."

"Should what?"

"Come back home."

Miranda sat up quickly, making Ben switch positions as well. She was squinting at him, peering into his soul. He reached for her hands and she moved away from him. "What?"

"So you're going to quit?"

"I wouldn't be quitting. Shoot, you ain't marry no quitter." Miranda grinned slightly, but she quickly wiped it away. "I'd be… I don't know coming back to make sure you're really okay."

She closed her eyes. "I'm fine."

"She said for the thousandth time," Ben muttered under his breath.

"I am. Truly."

"You haven't done any surgery since it happened."

"So?"

"So that means you're not one hundred percent." He scratched his head and then put his arm around her. "Look, surgery is your calling, your passion and you're running from it." Miranda bit her bottom lip. "And I can understand why. What happened was big and stressing and, babe, all I'm saying is that…" He sighed. "I want to be here for you. And why are you acting like it's such a big deal? Like my response is wrong." Miranda gave him a weak smile; she wasn't convinced. "But who knows? Maybe I could even be, I don't know, a-a-an intern at Grey Sloan."

"There are no more spots available in this class."

"And—"

"No." He ran a hand down his face and was patient. "I've gone through this before with Tucker. He agreed to stay at home with Tuck, but a few months in and he was bitching and moaning. I don't want that to happen to us. If you leave your residency and come back home, you will resent and blame me. I will blame me. I can't have that." Miranda spoke firmly and honestly.

A lump formed in his throat. Ben tightened his hold on her. "I'm not Tucker. I want to help you." She nodded.

"I'm better, Ben, and let's just leave it at that."

"Okay, well, Miranda, I'm just throwing ideas out."

"Stupid ones," she said slinking back down into the bed.

"That's rude."

"You're rude," Miranda responded.

"Come here." He slid behind her and held her body against his. He kissed between her shoulder blades; she exhaled softly, her body relaxing.

"I'm sorry, Ben," Miranda said speaking in a hushed tone.

"For what, baby?" He grabbed her hands and brought them to his lips.

"For making you think that leaving L.A. was an option."

"S'okay."

"No, you worked hard to get in the program and I want you to succeed, baby. I want you to do your best."

"And I am."

"Good."

"But I want you to remember something."

Miranda put her hand behind her and touched him, running her nails over his head. "What's that?"

"Turn around." When they were once again face to face, he kissed her quickly. "We're married now. We have to work through things together."

"I know."

"You're not alone in this or in anything."

"Okay, Benjamin." Miranda looked up at him and smiled. His heart leapt. He'd never understand how she managed to make him melt. They kissed again and Ben felt his shirt being pushed up, the hairs on his body stood up.

He touched her arms. "You're sure?" She nodded. He grinned.

"I love you, baby," his wife whispered onto his neck. He jumped and kissed her hard, pushing his tongue deeper inside of her mouth.

"I love you, too." After they finished making love, Ben dropped his head at the foot of the bed, opposite Miranda. He put his face against her legs, kissing her.

"Don't you start anything you can't finish now," she warned.

"I have an idea," he said.

"I hope it's better than your other one."

"Harsh, but it is."

They laughed together. "Let me hear it."

"What if you came down to Cali with me? Just for a couple of days, a week—just to get some fresh air." When she didn't answer right away, he started to retract his offer and thought about blaming it on his sexual high.

"Okay."

"Miran…," he said agitated, sure that she'd just turned him down. "W-wait. 'Okay'?"

Miranda laughed and moved in his direction. She got behind him and held his stomach. "I think it's a good idea."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing."

"Don't push it, Benjamin Warren." Husband and wife laughed, shaking the bed. He pulled the comforter up and they wrapped themselves in it. "There's a storm coming. It wouldn't hurt to go and clear my mind and experience some sunshine." She placed her lips on his back and he closed his eyes. She kissed his naked back again.

Ben shuddered. "Unh-uh, don't you start something you can't finish."

"Don't worry, I can finish," Miranda said in a soft, raspy voice. "And you'll help me."

"So we're doing this?" Ben asked taking her hands in his. He turned around and climbed on top of her. His heart was beating so quickly.

"Oh, we are doing this," she said excitedly.