When Valkyrie was cured, there was going to be hell to pay. One of the twins had spiked her breakfast with a puking pastille without her realising, and she had been vomiting for nearly 3 hours straight, long after the contents of her stomach had become non-existent. She'd missed nearly three lessons, and still didn't feel completely better. As she left her bathroom she slumped down on the bed. She felt drained, and extremely tired. As if not being able to sleep at night wasn't enough, she now had this on her plate. One thing was certain, the twins were going to wish they had never met the infamous Valkyrie Cain.

Skulduggery knocked on her door as she was almost half an hour into her brooding.

"Feeling better?" He asked. She glared at him.

"What does it look like?" She scowled.

"I'll take that as a 'no' then." He closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed next to her. "Do you know who did it?" He asked.

"Oh ho yeah," she muttered "and they're gonna pay."

"Remember, we're teachers. We're supposed to be the mature ones." Valkyrie looked at him "So go ahead. Knock yourself out."

"Really?"

"No, I was joking. You can't hurt them."
"Oh yes I can. You just don't want me to."

"I would very much appreciate it if you didn't."

"You beat up people all the time."

"Yes, but those people are criminals or people who are going to become criminals. It's completely different to beating up a student."

"Fine. I'll talk to them, then charge them with assault on a Sanctuary Official. Then, they're a criminal, and I can beat them up."

"You're making our jobs very difficult you know."

"It's what I'm best at." Valkyrie muttered before standing. Her stomach gave a queasy lurch as she scrunched up her nose at the taste of bile that stained her tongue.

"Don't hurt them too much." Skulduggery called after her as she moved to the door. Scowling, she left the room and walked down the teachers' hall into the corridor. Students were on their way to the Great Hall for lunch. Knowing the twins, they would have already gotten there and then left. They'd be in the common room, trying to sell their merchandise. Valkyrie stormed up the moving staircase, perfecting her most evil death glare as she did so, and muttered the password to the Fat Lady. The portrait regarded her warily before sighing and swinging aside. Valkyrie climbed through the portrait hole. Fred and George were indeed in the common room, selling sweets and knick knacks to first years that didn't already know better. As soon as they caught sight of her, they grinned, and then frowned.

"Hey Valkyrie. What's wrong?" Fred asked.

"Which one of you snuck a puking pastille into my breakfast?" She asked slowly, voice dripping with tension, anger rolling off of her in waves.

"I didn't do it," Fred frowned.

"Neither did I," George said, frowning in a symmetrical way to his brother.

"Everyone knows you two are the Hogwart's pranksters. Not to mention it's your product."

"Val, pranking you isn't a prank, it's a death wish." George said, standing straight from where he had previously been crouched next to a first year that had boils all over his face. Valkyrie looked between them both and thought of all the times they could have pranked her and hadn't. The possibility of someone buying the product to sneak to her hadn't even crossed her mind. Then again, Fred and George had been the first people to pop to mind when it came to puking pastilles. She hadn't really considered anyone else being involved while her head was down the toilet vomiting.

"Swear by it?"

"Cross our hearts." They said at the same time, gesturing, then Fred frowned "That is how the muggles say it, right?" Valkyrie nodded once.

"Yeah, that's how they say it." She let out a frustrated sigh, anger still bubbling beneath her skin. "Have you sold any puking pastilles to anyone that might have a grudge against me?"
"Can't think of anyone," George said.

"We mostly sell to first years, and it's nearly always to Gryffindors."

"I bet half of them don't even know who you are." As George continued Fred's sentence, names swarmed in Valkyrie's mind of who might hate her, and a light bulb seemed to light in Valkyrie's head.

"Have you had any of them confiscated?"

"Yeah, loads. Umbridge confiscated some this morning in the Great Hall." Fred nodded.

"Yeah they're nearly always confiscated by… oh." George blinked once. "She wouldn't do that would she? She's a teacher."

"A pink hag is more like it." Valkyrie growled, the glare back on her face. "You've been most helpful." Valkyrie turned before either of the boys could say anything and stormed out of the portrait hole, her fists clenched tight. Fred and George looked to each other.

"This, we have to see."


Valkyrie caught up with Umbridge pretty quickly, taking full note of how over half the Gryffindor common room had followed her.

"Hey!" Valkyrie barked. Umbridge turned, smiling sweetly as Valkyrie glared pure death into her forehead.

"How can I help you?" She asked, false niceness dripping from every syllable.

"Would you care to explain where you were this morning at approximately 8pm." Valkyrie said, holding back the snarl. Professionalism professionalism professionalism

"I was in my office." She smiled.

"Then would you care to explain how you could be in the Great Hall at exactly that time this morning?" Umridge smiled again.

"I was in my office this morning."

"Then why were you spotted inside the Great Hall confiscating Weasley products?" Valkyrie asked. Umbridge was practically cornered, but still she smiled. That made Valkyrie want to punch her all the more.

"You are mistaken."
"I have witnesses."
"Then your witnesses are mistaken."

"I think not."

"I would think carefully about this." Umbridge smiled, tilting her head "Who would the minister be more likely to believe? A ministry official with years of dedicated service, or a teenager that, according to the ministry, doesn't even exist."

"Why not ask yourself this instead? Who would my boss be more likely to believe? Me, whom he's known for years, or you, whom has a terrible reputation where I come from and has several witnesses against her?" Valkyrie raised an eyebrow as Umbridge frowned, almost in disbelief. Valkyrie continued. "Assaulting a Sanctuary Official, in any way shape or form, is an incredibly serious charge by Sanctuary standards. Therefore," Valkyrie smiled sweetly "You're under arrest." Umbridge pulled out her wand in an instant.

"Stupify!" Valkyrie snapped her palm and the spell rebounded against the air whilst Umbridge's wand was ejected from her grasp. Valkyrie strode forwards as Umbridge span around looking for her wand. When she realised it was too far for her to reach, she span back around, right into Valkyrie's fist. There was a satisfying crunch as Umbridge's nose splintered and she screamed in pain. Valkyrie pushed her up against the wall, holding her hands behind her back, and handcuffed her as she heard muffles from the crowd behind her.

"Resisting arrest, and another attack directed at me, Professor? That's three charges against you now." Valkyrie said clearly as Umbridge squealed for Valkyrie to let her go, before Skulduggery rounded the corner. He didn't even pause.

"Causing trouble?" He asked.

"Yes she is!" Umbridge shrieked "Tell her to release me this instant!"

"What did she do?" Skulduggery directed his question at Valkyrie, but Umbridge responded too quickly.

"She broke my nose!" She cried before yelping as Valkyrie dug her knee into the back of Umbridge's leg in a single swift movement.

"Professor Umbridge spiked my breakfast this morning with the intent of causing harm, which is assault, and has just now tried to attack me with her wand, which is both assault and resisting arrest. It's within my right to break her nose if she resists arrest." Skulduggery paused, then shrugged.

"Ok." He carried on walking down the corridor, the students parting to make a large gap for him to walk through.

"Just don't take it too far." He called behind him.

"I won't." Valkyrie called after him, smiling slightly at Umbridge "I'll only take it as far as it needs to go."


Dolores had had enough of this school. She had been left for two hours handcuffed to a radiator in the combat room with nothing to do but tug on her wrists until they were red raw, missing two lessons of DADA as she did so. Her nose hurt beyond anything she'd ever experienced. She'd never broken a bone, not one in her whole entire life. Even when she was a girl she had never hurt herself. There was nothing to compare to the pain she felt now, as blood slowly trickled down her face. She could taste it on the tip of her tongue. Umbridge didn't think she'd ever been so angry. It swarmed like a red veil in her head, making her want to clench her fists tight and hex and curse anyone close to the point where they would never recover. They were just as bad as half-breeds and mud-bloods.

She didn't want to give the other teachers or students the satisfaction of calling for help – even though she had called out for Cain to return and let her go for at least the first half hour of being trapped – but the pain in her nose, quickly followed by the thudding in her head that threatened to make her faint at any moment, was vastly overpowering her. That was when the detective decided to re-enter the room.

The dark haired teenager strode over to her, and crouched down less than a metre away.

"I think we understand each other now." She said clearly "You mess with me, I mess with you back. Now, those were actual offences, and you could be trialled for them, but for the sake of making life less complicated, I'm going to offer you a deal." Umbridge looked up as the detective continued "I'm not going to press charges against you, and you're not going to press charges against me – not that you have any right to anyway. Understood?" After a moment, Umbridge nodded. "Good. You're also going to hand in the quill you've been using for detentions, and don't even think of giving me a fake or else the deal is off and you'll go the prison with the additional charges of intent to cause harm for the amount of detentions you've put the students through and child abuse. The Ministry has no authority where I work, so no matter how many high connections you may have they won't count for squat. I don't care if you're High Inquisitor and I don't care if you're high up in the Ministry, as far as I'm concerned, you're just another nobody. Do we understand each other?" Umbridge glared at the detective, but finally nodded.

"Good. I'm going to let you go, and you're going to have the quill on my desk by the end of the day. Right?" Umbridge nodded. "I need an actual answer."

"Right." She muttered angrily.

"Good." Cain reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a small transparent bag with some green leaves inside. She took one out and re-pocketed the bag. As Cain unlocked the handcuffs, Umbridge's hands fell back against her chest as she held them close. Then the leaf was passed to her.

"Eat it." Cain said blandly, as if she didn't want to be giving it to Umbridge.

"I don't want anything from you." Umbridge growled.

"It's a healing leaf. It'll numb the pain until you convince Madam Pomfrey to heal you. Trust me, she won't do it straight away." Umbridge glared at Cain. It could be some sort of trick, but the pain in Umbridge's nose was flaring. So much so that she thought it was possible she might pass out when she stood. She took the leaf and put it into her mouth.

"Chew slowly to make it last longer." Umbridge chewed slower as Cain stood at full height and pocketed the handcuffs. They almost disappeared into the jacket, leaving no visible sign they were even there. She walked over to the table and put something on it slowly, and after a quick glare, left the room.

Dolores stood slowly, leaning on the wall. The feeling in her nose was already numbing to almost nothing. Despite this, she could still feel her anger raging. Whatever the detective said, Umbridge would have her revenge. No one crossed Dolores Jane Umbridge and got away with it.

She took a few steps forwards, realised she could walk without throwing up, and moved to the table. Her wand had been placed there. It didn't look damaged or contaminated by the filthy sorceress. Dolores picked it up and pocketed it before turning, pushing her anger to the back of her mind to formulate and concoct, patting her hair, plastering on a smile, and walking from the room.


Melissa was sat down at the café table, drumming her fingers against the surface. Kenny Dunne was late. 17 minutes late to be precise. Melissa was at the verge of calling herself stupid. It was all just some stupid coincidence. This man probably didn't exist anyway, was probably just some stupid kid writing on the internet to impress others. Melissa wondered if that's where Stephanie had gotten the name Valkyrie from. After all, Stephanie did spend a lot of time in her room, maybe she was on the computer reading fictional stories written by other teens, had read that particular article, and adopted the name. Kids still had nicknames, right?

A man disrupted her from her thoughts.

"Mrs Edgely?" He asked. She nodded, and he held out his hand. "Kenny Dunne, pleasure to meet you at long last." He sat down across from her. He was holding a black briefcase, and looked rather scruffy, as if he were unprepared, even though the meeting had been arranged days ago, when Melissa had been so frustrated she couldn't sleep and had finally called the number, if only to settle her nerves. She didn't expect anything to come of it. Did she?

"You're late." She said bluntly.

"Yes, sorry about that. My taxi was behind schedule."

"Do you know me?" She asked. The way he had said 'at long last' must have meant he knew of her.

"I do." He nodded "Now I know you said to keep this off the record – which is incidentally why I didn't bring my camera man with me – but I just have to ask on behalf of my future readers, viewers and listeners, what is it like to live with Stephanie Edgely?" He had a notebook and pen poised and ready. Melissa raised an eyebrow, her stomach harbouring a sickening feeling.

"What do you mean? She's just a normal teenage girl." Please just let her normal. Melissa prayed inside her head. Kenny Dunne looked very sceptical.

"Mrs Edgely, you don't seem aware of just what your daughter has been doing."

"That was the reason I wanted to talk to you. Who is 'Valkyrie' and how does she connect at all to my daughter."
"Mrs Edgely-"

"If you know anything at all that concerns my family, you'd best tell me now." Melissa said, almost with a hint of darkness in her voice. Kenny nodded.

"Mrs Edgely, if I may be given the chance to explain what you daughter clearly has not. Stephanie is Valkyrie."

"Ok, but what does that have to do with anything. Lots of kids have nicknames – I mean I would have appreciated if she'd told me, but I have nothing against a nickname," she said quickly, more reassuring herself than Kenny.

"It's not just a nickname, Mrs Edgely. It's almost like a, how should I put this… a second personality. Stephanie, as far as I'm aware, is a simple private girl that attends school and lives in a mundane completely ordinary village, with completely ordinary parents. Am I correct?"

"Yes."

"I thought so. But Valkyrie, well, she's someone entirely different. I'm not entirely sure how she's been doing it without capturing your attention, but Stephanie Edgely is really Valkyrie Cain, at least, that's her alias. She works for a secret organisation contained many dangerous and important people. As I understand it, she's been working as a detective for quite some time now." Melissa paled as Kenny put his briefcase on the table and clicked it open. He took out an envelope, and then hesitated

"You're not interested in journalism are you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I just want to know what's happening with my daughter." He handed the envelope to her.

"Inside are several photographs I managed to obtain. Some were taken by me, some I found in my research – very difficult to get a hold of I'll tell you that. They're copies, so you can keep them if you like. I wouldn't open them here, far too public." Melissa's hands were shaking as they clasped around the envelope. Inside could contain the proof her daughter had been going behind her back, but this was far beyond anything she had expected. It couldn't be true, surely she would have known if her daughter was working, and for a secret organisation at that. The entire idea screamed 'conspiracy' and frauds. Melissa narrowed her eyes.

"Mr Dunne. How can you possibly expect me to believe my daughter has been sneaking off and skipping school to work for some secret organisation?"

"Whether you believe it or not isn't my problem." He said, putting the case down "You said you wanted to know about Stephanie, and this is what I know. What you do with the information is no concern of mine – as long as you don't go writing stories or talking to the news about it." He shrugged "Valkyrie-"

"Stephanie."
"No, Valkyrie; has been working with another detective called Skulduggery Pleasant. From what I can gather, they're both extremely powerful, and extremely dangerous. I saw them kill a monster before my very eyes."

"A monster?"

"Yes. It was quite a revelation I have to say: that they all exist and Ireland is run on the shoulders of a giant conspiracy. It's amazing they've kept under cover for as long as they have."

"I'm sorry, you've completely lost me." Kenny looked her up and down and put his elbows on the table, scratching his chin with his hands.

"Mrs Edgely. I'm not sure how to say this without sounding like a nutter-"

"You've been sounding like a nutter form the moment you sat down, Mr Dunne." She said bluntly. He paused, and then continued.

"What I mean to say is, this whole world, everything we know, everything we believe, may be a lie. I've seen monsters I thought only belonged in fairy tales, and I've witnessed thins that defy the laws of physics ten-fold. Monsters are real, Mrs Edgely. Sorcerers are real. Magic is real. Everything we ever thought to be myths could be real."

"Monsters, sorcerers, magic, what the hell are you on about?" Melissa was suddenly angry. This man, this nut-job, was dictating to her about her daughter. He had been taking pictures of her daughter. He was suggesting that her daughter had a role as a monster-killer that worked for a secret organisation. No. No. The idea that he could even sit at that table and talk to her was ridiculous. The idea that she had called him, thinking he might have information, had been ridiculous.

"I think we're done here, Mr Dunne. If I see you following my daughter again, I'll call the police. Is that understood?" He looked up at her as she stood, picking up her bag from the floor. She turned to walk away, when his voice called after her.

"How many things don't add up, Mrs Edgely?" She paused "How much do you really believe your daughter is innocent?" She carried on walking "Valkyrie Cain is a sorceress! Whether you believe it or not, that fact still stands!"

Melissa Edgely walked away.