Author's note: I'm sorry I take so long to update. I'll try to do so more, but freshman year is way harder than I thought it'd be. So I'll do what I can, but I may be fairly inconsistent for a while. (More than usual!) Thanks for reading. If you want, leave a review because it boosts my ego and it makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside but if you don't want to that's okay too.
Over the last couple of weeks, Alec had gone through at least 3 phones. One had been trashed by Jace while the blond reminded him just how pathetic he was for calling Magnus so much. The second one had been smashed when he had been pushed into a wall by a demon. The last one he had thrown against the wall when he got Magnus's latest voice mail message.
Now, cradling the brand new cell in one hand and holding himself up with the other, he leaned against the wall of the greenhouse. He had come close to doing something he would really regret later. There were some things that he would do, but there had to be a better way to deal with the swelling darkness within him than letting it come out of his wrists. Iratzes still left scars, after all. And the worst thing would be to let everyone else know.
No, they wouldn't understand. With their line of work, hurting yourself on purpose was seen to be a waste of perfectly good blood. Maybe Jace would be able to connect at some level; he had punched through a window to punish himself once. Why was that okay, and what he was doing…not? It wasn't as if he was hurting anything important. Just himself. And it was nice to know that he was still alive, that blood was still pumping throughout his body. His heart still functioned, even if it hurt.
But Alec knew better than that. He knew that it was a bad idea, and he had started to come away from it- the thing he couldn't even think. Cutting. Slashing. Burning. The words held too much power, too much meaning for him to even let himself murmur in the quiet solitude of the garden.
Deep breaths, he thought. Deep breaths. Nothing really helped when he got like this. Magnus had always been the one to take care of him when the demons started catching up with the hunter. But it wasn't something he could just take out with a knife between the ribs. These were inner demons, and they were far more complicated.
Alec took the phone from the palm of his hand and quickly typed in the number that was tattooed on his heart.
This is Magnus Bane, high warlock of- well, if you're calling you probably already know who I am. I hope so. If not, go away.
The boy felt something in him expand at the sound of the familiar voice. Alec felt like there had been a weight on his lungs that had been removed. Funny that the voice that had so often made him feel breathless was the only thing that was helping him to breathe for the first time in too long. Still, a knot coiled inside his stomach as the butterflies turned into a vicious swarm. He knew what came next. There would be a slight pause, a sigh, and an exasperated addition of "And Alexander, please stop calling me. I don't want to have to change my number."
That bit hurt.
Except that it was there this time. There was no sucker punch to the gut, no feeling of being yanked down from the clouds where he had been floating. Was it possible for someone's voice alone to do that to someone? No, maybe not. But what they were saying was.
The machine beeped in Alec's ear, and the teenager jumped slightly, instantly going into a more defensive position.
"Oh, right. So, uh, hi. Magnus. It's Alec. Again. Bye."
He rested the cold case of the phone against his forehead. With a determined air, he punched the numbers back into the phone and tapped his foot through the message. This was the last time he would leave a crappy voicemail about nothing at all. This was the day he would actually say something that was worth listening to- even if Magnus deleted the messages as soon as he heard who it was that was talking.
At least this way he could delude himself into believing that Magnus actually listened to his messages. Though even to himself, he could imagine why anyone would want to listen to the drunk ramblings of an ex-boyfriend, about how sorry he was. So goddamn sorry and you probably don't want to hear this but I need to say it can you please forgive me I don't deserve it sorry to bother you I'm going to go now bye it's Alec.
Beep.
One second, two seconds, three seconds of silence on his end as he gathered his thoughts.
"You changed your voice mail. I guess I noticed because I call so much, but I don't know if you actually got those messages. I mean, who am I kidding, you know that I call a lot. I'm surprised you haven't blocked my number yet actually. Anyhow, I noticed that you changed your voice mail and took out the whole bit about my not calling you again. I guess that means that you really don't care anymore, huh? It's okay. I guess I like hearing your voice and since we're not together any more, it's nice not having you tell me not to call you. I'm a lot less guilty now for saying all this because I know that you don't care so I can just say whatever I think needs to be said right now. Uh. So yeah, I'm sort of rambling and I have a lot more to say, but I'm almost out of minutes. So I'll call you later. Magnus."
He ended it sounding a lot more confident than he felt. But the rush of being able to say that he'd talk to him later, not fearing any kind of repercussions was exhilarating. It was almost like being in a relationship again. This was the first time in weeks that he had felt like he had something to look forward to.
Knowing that Magnus wouldn't listen to the messages was liberating in a way. He could say whatever he wanted, and they'd just go unheard. No therapist would judge him, no family would tiptoe around him like he was made of glass. He could tell someone everything and convince himself that they cared enough to keep listening.
But first he'd have to get more minutes.
A glimmer of a grin started at the corners of his lips until he smiled- for real- for the first time in far too long. Maybe it was adrenaline, but things were finally starting to look up. Sort of. It would probably hit him later how ridiculous this whole thing was, but for the moment he was going to enjoy the calm before the storm for as long as he could.
Sunbeams shot over the New York skyline and into the greenhouse with marksmen like accuracy, arrows of light filling the corners and crevasses with dawn-light. Out of the corner of his eye, Alec caught sight of a small object, sitting just to the right of the hose. It was green and the handle was engraved with Runes for harvest. The ever elusive watering can had been there the entire time, and he hadn't noticed it.
"Idiot," he muttered under his breath. But this time, it wasn't acid in his voice. There was self-deprecating cheerfulness. The thought of that in itself was incredible, but what was more was that as he filled up the can with water, he found himself admiring the sunlight reflecting off the water. Not in the hateful, pseudo poetic way he had regarded the sunset, but with genuine admiration. No, he wasn't exactly happy, that was the wrong word. Alexander Lightwood wouldn't be happy for a long while; but for the time being, he was content.
