It has been a long time since I last updated and I am sorry for that. But when I first started writing fanfiction and updating it onto this site I made a promise to myself. I would never let a story go unfinished. I hated when a writer would do that and I don't want to be that way.
But well... It has been six months. I can tell you why I didn't post but I won't. Simply because I am only human and my life gets in the way sometimes.
This chapter was written in only a couple of hours and it is 4:30 in the morning when I post this because I am so happy that I have written another chapter. And I will try to finish this story and post it like I used to. By posting a chapter once a week. If not for me then for you.
Last I want to thank you. If you are still coming here to read this. If you are new to this story and giving it a chance. Six monts later and I still get notifications telling me people are still following/favorite this story.
She dances in front of me. Her hands in her hair and a very sexy look on her face. She seems to dare me to drag her away from the dance floor or she dares me to join her. I am not doing either of them. I grin at her and take another sip from my drink.
The way she dances, the way she moves her hips it is to daring for the party we are at. But neither of us seem to care about it. It has been this way for a little while. Since that night where she got drunk and let me spank her. It is like we are finally enjoying the positive sides from this marriage. We have doing it like crazy and no place seemed to be too weird. I mean, we did it in a dark alley a couple days ago.
We are at a party from her work. Well, Rose found it time for a party and dragged everyone with her to a club nearby. If we keep up with this we are or sex addicts or alcoholics. When she knows she isn't luring me into her arms she turns to Lissa. Her moves change into something cleaner.
I leave them to order another drink. When I got a new glass, I decide to go the large balcony that this club is famous for. It is surprisingly empty. For that I am thankful. The fresh air is doing me some good as I sit on one of the benches at one side of the balcony. The city is asleep, only the lights on and some soft sound from the cars down below. When the door opens that leads to the balcony some music slips outside.
And if I look far enough and imagine it enough I can see the forest on the other side of the city. A remote and quiet place. I know that because I own a small cabin somewhere in the middle of that forest. A longing starts in my chest to go to that place. To be in a quiet place for a while.
I love the city, I love everything about it. But in the end, I am still that boy that grew up in a small town where I could be in the middle of the forest in five minutes. I would be running, I must admit that. Now if I run five minutes I would just be in another part of town. The threes of the forest still kilometers away from me.
I twist the ring on my finger around. It is already November and everyone is planning their thanksgiving meals. Making me wonder what Rose and I would be doing. Would her family plan something? Would her parents even invite me to it? I haven't seen them since the night they accused me of someone who would hit a woman.
My family doesn't celebrate thanksgiving since we are from Russia. The rest of the holidays we celebrate like the rest of America. We decided to let go of the Russian holidays and follow the western.
Would we be able to celebrate Christmas with her family and mine? Or would she be going to her family alone. Or maybe she won't go at all. They didn't seem very close. And then I finally think about the thing that bothers me the most. In January, I will be turning thirty.
And it is not the age that is bothering me. It is the point in life where I still am. I wanted to be a young father. I always wanted that and some would say that thirty is still young but it is not what I wanted. I had always thought that I would be a father by the time I would turn twenty-five.
And I let myself remember a conversation with Karo not so long ago.
After closing the bookshop, I have driven myself to mama's house instead of Rose's apartment, our apartment.
As I step into their house I find it strangely empty. After searching I finally find Karo in the backyard. Paul is playing on his own while Karo sits on a blanket with little Zoya next to her. She looks a little surprised to see me but she doesn't say a word. I sit next to her and let my fingers hand above Zoya. She cries out and tries to catch my fingers.
It makes me smile and I pick her up, cradling her in my arms. She has big brown eyes like Karo and myself. The rest of her looks more like her father who she has never seen before. It is a sad thought.
'You would be a great father.', Karo says, and as I look up to her I see that she is looking at me with tears in her eyes. I give her a smile before moving closer to her and putting an arm around her shoulders.
'You remember what I promised you, right?', I ask her softly. It is a promise I made many years ago, Paul had just been born and Andre was going on his next mission. Every time Andre was deployed we would pray that he would come back but this time it was different now that they had a son.
I had gone to Karo and Andre's house on the military basis, they only lived there when he was in the united states. Andre would be leaving that day and I would pick up Karo and bring her to mama's house. She always stayed there.
We had been sitting in the car, Karo in the backseat crying and Paul in a booster seat next to me. Somewhere on the road Paul had started crying because his diaper needed to be changed and Karo had started to cry harder because from now on she had to do this on her own if Andre was away.
Standing next to the car with the backdoor open on the side of the road, I stood there changing Paul's diaper and promising Karo that I would be there for her and Paul for the rest of my life. Promised to be like a father to Paul if something happened to Andre.
'I remember.', she whispers, she grabs my hand that hangs from her shoulder. I have a good bond with all my sisters but with Karo it is different. I think that we are much alike that makes our bond other than those I have with my other sisters.
'But you have a wife now Dimka. Maybe you will be starting your own family in a couple of years.', she says and I mumble something. She pushes against me, making me look at her. She has a concerned look in her eyes. I finally open up about the wish I have to have children.
'But Dimka, sometimes what you want is not what you need.', she says and I make a face at her words. She laughs and pinches my leg. We both know what I think about her wise words that she throws my way every now and then.
'You could have knocked up a woman years ago Dimka. But then what. You wouldn't have loved her but wanted to stay with her no matter what. Because that would be the right thing. You would have married her. Gone to a job that you would hate. You wouldn't have the money to open up your own bookshop because of that baby and because she would demand you buying her things.', she makes me wince at her words.
'You would be stuck in a loveless marriage. She would scream at you every night because you are not doing enough for her. You promise her to be better and you get her pregnant again. After baby number two she hates you. So you stay out longer and longer every night. You start drinking, she starts cheating on you. Then when you finally leave her you are the bad guy for leaving her. You will feel guilty about it and pay her so much alimony that you have to live with mama again. She will marry another guy and deny you the children. Living happy from your money.', she finally finishes her story.
'You have to much fantasy Karo.', I tell her. Trying to laugh from her story to hide how deep it has hit me.
'I know you Dimka. You want to do the right thing. Even it that kills you.', she says. We both know she is right.
'That could still happen Karo. What if Rose gets pregnant and she decides she doesn't want me anymore?', I whisper to her. Telling her one of my deepest fears. What if she doesn't want me anymore? But Karo shakes her head.
'She loves you Dimka. Even if she doesn't realize this herself. Not yet. You could read it in her eyes. The way she looks at you. The way she would let you go first without thinking about it. Rose is not a follower Dimka but she follows you.', Karo says. At that moment Zoya starts crying. Karo takes her from me telling me she should feed her. Leaving me alone with my thoughts.
'There you are.', a soft voice says, Roza. Her fingers move through my hair before she sits next to me. She leans against me and I wrap an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer against me. She lays her head against my chest.
'I wanted to think for a little.', I tell her, pressing a soft kiss on the top of her head. She looks up to me through her eyelashes. She looks so beautiful tonight.
'About me?', she asks me with a grin. I smile and press a soft kiss onto her lips.
'About children.', tell her then. She stiffens for a moment before she pulls herself away from me. A shocked look on her face. Her eyebrows raised high.
'Excuse me?', she says then. It irritates me a little more than it should. She acts like I just told her we are going to have children right now. Is she so naïve that she thinks that a man my age wouldn't think about it?
'Roza.', I begin but she holds her hand up. Telling me in a brutal way to shut up.
'I am only twenty-two. We are only married for such a short time. And you think it is okay to throw something my way like having children? You see me that way? Like some woman who is only good for having children?', she overreacts. For the short moment she looks my way I see fear in her eyes but I let that part go.
'I am almost thirty Roza. It is only normal that a man my age is thinking about things like that. I can't help that you are so young and naïve that you forget my age.', I tell her. Already feeling the guilt about the words I have just thrown her way. But my control just slipped like it does a lot around her.
'You didn't think I was too young for what you did with me in that alley a couple of days ago. You didn't think I was too young to put this ring on my finger.', she throws the words my way. It feels like a hit in the face.
'So now it was my idea to get married? It wasn't me who was begging you to get married to me.', I tell her. Not fair Dimitri. Not fair.
'Are you saying that I begged you to marry me?', she asks me. Her eyes slid to small stripes. She looks so angry. Her hands on her hips as she looks down at me. She stood up a little of sentences ago. Even angry she looks so beautiful with the city lights behind her.
'You were the one telling me that you were done with dressing up when you wanted to eat ice cream on the couch. I haven't see you doing that once since you got me tied to you. And you even threw your body at me. Telling me I could have that for the rest of my live.', it is low what I am doing. She starts laughing. It isn't a good laugh. It makes her seem like some maniac to be honest. If she is, I made her this way.
'I tied you to me? Well, comrade, if I got pregnant how do you think you could afford that? You think you can support me and a baby? You don't even make enough to buy yourself a proper home.', I feel myself getting angrier than I have ever before. She knows where she can hit me.
'You want me to buy you a house?', I then ask her. She is surprised about the twist I have thrown in this conversation. It cost me more than I want to admit not to let the last my control go.
'It wouldn't hurt to see you try.', she then says. Her words calmer than before. I raise my eyebrows at her. Try? Is she saying that I am not trying enough? I open my mouth to say something but she door opens again and Lissa comes out.
'Here you are.', she says, clearly relieved to see her best friend standing in front of her. Lissa is a sweet girl but it wouldn't have hurt if she had stayed away at this moment. I see Rose rubbing at her eyes for a moment before facing Lissa. Lissa has instantly a worried look on her face.
'Are you guys okay?', she then asks. Looking from Rose towards me before looking at Rose again. It surprises me that she doesn't have an accusing look towards me. Most friends would have when they see tears in their best friends' eyes.
'Is there something you wanted to say?', Rose asks Lissa. I can see Lissa doubting for a moment if she should press forward of should let it go. She decides the latter one.
'We are going home. I was wondering if you guys were going as well or you would be staying for a bit longer.', Lissa tells Rose. Rose looks my way for a short moment. The moment our eyes meet she looks away.
'I will be going with you. Dimitri will take a cab home.', Rose then says. I sigh loudly. I had hoped that she would be coming home with me. That we would be able to talk this out. Saying sorry for the hard words we were throwing at each other.
'You sure?', Lissa asks Rose but she has already taken a step closer to her best friend. Not sure if she wants to be able to throw herself between us if things are going down. Or to be able to support her best friend. Maybe both. Rose nods.
'I think it will be better to let you… to let both of us cool down for a bit before seeing each other again.', she then says. It is directed at me but she is not looking at me. I know she is right. But I don't like it.
'Alright, let's go then. Bye Dimitri.', Lissa says and pulls Rose with me.
'Wait.', I say then and I stand up. I shrug the jacket of my shoulders and take a step forward.
'I don't want you to get cold.', I tell Rose as I lay the jacket around her shoulders. She pulls it closer around her shoulders. A surprised and grateful look on her face. She then leans up and kisses me.
The moment she wants to let go I step even closer, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. I pull her close to my body as I kiss her with a little more passion. Trying to put everything I can't say at this moment into the kiss. How sorry I am for the words I have said and how much I love her. Her hands land on my hips as she is trying to do the same thing.
In the end, it doesn't matter as she still goes home with Lissa instead of me. I watch them walk away. My eyes following until I can't see them anymore. Then I put my hands in my pockets and make my way through the club, alone.
