This is after the war, and post-veil. Both adults. Warning: mildly racy language.
[Written for Torture the OTPs challenge: Prompt "Your OTP is trapped in a cave. They are unable to escape the cave on their own and must wait to be rescued."]
[a bit crackfic ish too because duh this collection is]
Between a Rock and a Hard Place
~o~
Sirius looked around the cave and swore. "Dammit, why did we have to get stuck here, again?"
His eyes flashed accusingly at Hermione and she glared daggers back at him. "Don't blame me, I told you not to touch that untested artefact in the Department of Mysteries and you didn't listen to me at all." She crossed her arms and sat even more uncomfortably on the rock in the dark, damp cave. She chuckled suddenly. "Actually, it's quite ironic that you came back from one item in the Department of Mysteries, only to be stupid enough to get caught by another one!"
Sirius's jaw set with a pulsing desire to snap into something. He was not at all impressed by how bossy Hermione J. Granger was being to him or how damn self-righteous the uptight, little, busybody always was towards him. As if he didn't know as much as her. Ridiculous! He knew more than her! He just didn't take out of his reading glasses and proceed to lecture and bore everyone with his superiority.
Sirius crossed his legs and leant back against another rock in the large cave. If they argued enough, it briefly occurred to him, they might actually start an avalanche or other precipitation of rocks to cave in with all the echoes from their arguing.
"I actually did know what I was doing, Hermione," he informed her icily. "I was just testing that artefact, or about to, when you stomped in and wrecked everything by crashing into me!"
"I did NOT stomp!" Hermione cried, stomping her foot—and then realising what she'd done, she blushed and her eyes looked up at him.
Sirius grinned. "See? You do admit you stomp? Even here? You're like a little bull in a china shop and you just had to nose your way into my business again."
"Nose?! You had no security clearance to be there in the first place!"
"Yes, nose, and you knew perfectly well what you did, didn't you? Ever since I came back from the Veil, you've acted like I'm your property or something because you just so happen to work there at the Department. Well, guess what? I'm not Ministry property! I'm a human being!"
Hermione clenched her fists, looking ready to pound into either the cave walls or his abs...and both were rock hard. Sirius chuckled at the thought of Hermione finding out just how hard and impenetrable his abs were. "You're bloody ridiculous is what you are!" the little brunette shouted. "Why are you laughing? And we're bloody stuck in a cave now, however it happened or whoever's fault it is, there's still nothing amusing about this situation!"
"Oh, I beg to differ," Sirius drawled smoothly and stood to get up and stroll towards her. "For instance, I'm starting to find it highly—highly—amusing how tightly wound up you are. Very, very tight."
He chuckled and laid his eyes all over her, raking her up and down.
"Keep your distance!" Hermione warned him and she kicked her heel against the stone wall as her pencil skirt hitched up ever so slightly. She looked incredibly alluring in her prim, proper workplace clothes. All white shirt and mid-length skirt, and so damn posh you wanted to knock the wrinkle-free, lint-free spells off her.
Sirius ran a hand through his long, lustre black locks, which fell down over his eyes.
"Easy, Hermione. We're going to spend a lot of time in this cave, before the other Unspeakables at the Department find out what happened and where we went." He tugged down his tie, exposing the top few buttons of his white shirt. "How else do you want to spend the time?"
Hermione gulped, thickly, and looked incredibly nervous, like she was about to electrocuted by a fence if she touched him or got too near. "I don't know," she muttered in panic.
Sirius laughed. "Relax, I wasn't suggesting anything improper...or dangerous." He raised his hands and took out a book. "I only meant that we only have one book and one way to pass the time: reading. We will have to share." He leant up closer than her. "Do you think we could share?" He breathed upon her. "Or would sitting too close to me make you feel uncomfortable...I'm short-sighted you see, so I would have to see the page over your shoulder."
Hermione gulped. She looked like she was going to start stuttering from nerves.
Sirius was amused and he raised a cocky brow.
"...And since the cave floor is so hard and uncomfortable, you could sit on my lap to be even more comfortable and I would lean over your back and read over your shoulder." Sirius paused smoothly to check his watch. "Since the book is about 1500 pages and a lurid, chivalry romance all about knights and their fair ladies, I'm sure we'll have no trouble being entertained..." He grinned. "For at least 12 hours, at least if we re-read it...So the question remains: will you be comfortable sitting on my lap for all that time?"
Hermione's face was red as a pancake cooked on a hot griddle and then left with sweet sauce and syrup all over it. Sirius wanted to lick the anxiety right off her face and fingertips. A lady as pretty as Hermione should not be so nervous.
He should be. He would most definitely get something hard from her fine behind sitting on his lap for so long.
"I—I, er, don't know," Hermione panted and wiped at her brow, which was starting to sweat. "It's so hot in here and this cave...and, ah, like you said the Unspeakables might take forever...I don't know what else we could do, but read...and it's gentlemanly of you to offer me sitting on you." Her eyes widened. "But what will you do, won't your own...um...behind...be uncomfortable sitting on the rock floor?"
Sirius grinned and stood over her, looming over her small, tiny form. He winked. "My butt will be just fine, it's yours I'd be more worried about, Hermione. Women's are more delicate."
"Oh my," Hermione gasped and looked like she was already headed into trouble, which she was with Sirius Black by her side.
Sirius smirked as he sat down on the cave floor and invited her to sit with him. The romance novel they were going to read, innocently sitting beside them.
"Relax, Hermione, it's not like a genie is going to come out of nowhere to grant our wishes and get us out of here. We have to relax and wait patiently. Reading is the best distraction."
"Right." Hermione bit her lip and her hands smoothed over her pencil skirt. "I love reading."
"As do I."
"Sirius, I never see you read."
"Don't you?" Sirius chuckled.
Well, that was true, he didn't expect them to read for the full 12 hours...especially not since the book he so happened to have on him was a very steamy one.
~O~
One hour later, they had barely made it into the chapter two of the part about Sherezade seducing the mysterious mage, when Hermione had already been unconsciously grinding, fully clothed, against Sirius's hardened front.
Things had just gotten downhill from there...as they say, and the rest was history, they had to cancel the wedding with Ron, and they were both very lucky to not have caused an avalanche in the cave. Ta da! The end!
~O~
a/n: Not really this collection may continue indefinitely until Sirius is at least paired with Minnie and most of the Fantastic Beasts cast.
