Prompt: One half of your OTP is gay, the other half is straight. The one whose orientation conflicts with their ability to be a couple can't get the other person to understand that it is literally impossible for him/her to feel that way about them.

This was one of the hardest things to write because it literally is torturing my OTP. But that is the name of the challenge: Torture the OTP. So make what you will of it. I clean my hands of it! I don't like torturing sirmione or breaking them up :(

~o~

AU. Hermione Wants to Be Sirius.

CRACKFIC. M for swearing/language.

Hermione was in a serious dilemma.

A Sirius dilemma.

For Sirius and her had been dating for several weeks, and while he made her laugh and things were going seemingly well, Hermione wasn't sure she was straight anymore. Or maybe she was bi. She wasn't sure.

It had started to go downhill when Sirius finally convinced her to stay the night at his flat. Hermione thought she was attracted to Sirius and perhaps even in love with him—Sirius was after all the funniest, most good looking, charming older man with a playful bad boy personality and so much better looking than Ron—however, things started to feel too real once he started getting physical, grasping at her body and trying to really make out to her on the couch.

Hermione flinched and had to stop. "Wait. Sirius. I think we need to stop."

Sirius, who had his hand on her breasts, stared at her incredulously. His eyes widened and something seemed to ignite in them. "Why is it your first time?" Sirius chuckled and looked more in love with her than ever; he lowered his hand gently to her thigh to try to relax her. "I wouldn't hurt you, I promise, Hermione...though I thought you and Ron already did...?"

The question hung out there awkwardly for several moments of silence.

Until Hermione finally shook her head. "We did Sirius, but I thought the lack of chemistry between me and Ron was Ron's fault. Or, what am I saying, that sounds awful, I just thought I might not be that attracted to Ron physically...despite liking him personally and as a friend..."

"Hermione, love, wait, hold on, you're talking too fast. What are you saying? That Ron wasn't...what?"

Hermione chewed at her lips and she fixed her skirt better as she crossed her legs on the couch. "Sirius, I do find you attractive, I really do. More so than Ron...but suddenly I'm not feeling into you."

"Into me? What is that supposed to mean?" Sirius scoffed, but he sounded a bit worried. "Is it because I'm older, you think I can't—"

Hermione was quick to correct him. "No, it's nothing like that Sirius." The little, bookworm brunette sighed because it sounded so cliche. "It's not you, it's me, Sirius...I think I might be gay."

"Gay?" Sirius sounded like he choked on some bad whiskey. "Like, in a lesbian sort of way?" He grinned suddenly. "But kitten, that doesn't sound so bad, actually—"

Hermione hit him playfully on the chest. "Sirius, please don't get any ideas. If I'm not straight, it means I can't really be attracted to you."

Sirius looked even more confused. "But you say I'm attractive all the time, you said—"

"I know." Hermione let out a deep breath of air. "I am attracted to you, partly."

Sirius sighed loudly. "So what's the problem? You can't be gay if you are attracted to me, Hermione." He tried to grab her hands but she moved away.

"Sirius, I think I am attracted to you, but not in the way you think, or might feel for me. Rather my attraction for you, at least I'm starting to notice, is more admiration."

"Admiration, great whatever," Sirius moved towards her, to cradle her in his hands but she moved away again from his much taller, stronger body.

"You're not understanding completely, I think, Sirius. When I say I have admiration for you, it's more like I...well 'I want to be you' than 'I want to be with you'."

"Huh? Sorry, run that by me again."

"Sirius, I think I might be gay!" Hermione exclaimed, her cheeks reddening. "Why is it so hard for you to understand?!"

"No, no, hold on Hermione, you can't just diagnose yourself in two seconds because you're not in the mood today...we'll try again tomorrow! I'm sorry if I've been rubbish today, shouldn't have drunk so much."

"Sirius, there's not going to be a tomorrow and I'm sorry but it's not like a medical diagnosis, if I'm gay, that means I'm gay and nothing you say is going to change that."

"Give me another chance, Mione, I promise I'll blow your bloody mind, kitten. You haven't even slept with me yet."

"I don't want to sleep with you!" Hermione said with increasing awareness. "God, all this time I thought I was in love with you –and yes a part of me does love you intensely more than I will love any other man—however, the physical part just isn't there, or rather I'd rather be Sirius Black than be under Sirius Black."

"Sorry, I'm too lost now. You want to be fucking me? Like you'd like to become a bloody man?" Sirius swore. "Okay, I'm too fucking confused now." Sirius started to get up. "If you no longer fancy me, Hermione, you could have just said so, none of this backtracking or making up excuses."

Hermione felt tears run down her eyes. "I'm not making excuses Sirius. I'm sorry. I do love you, just not physically."

Sirius smirked with forlorn eyes, his gaze distantly searching the room rather than looking at her. "So you find me more attractive than Ron and you slept with him but you don't want to sleep with me?"

Hermione bit her lip, trembling. "Ron was sort of a test. I think you were the ultimate litmus test though: if I couldn't be physical with you, it meant the problem was my sexual orientation, not either Ron or yourself."

Sirius scoffed. "You must be pranking me, Hermione. You could have just said you find me too old and you wanted a younger dick."

"Your dick is fine! I love it actually!"

Sirius's face contorted in abrupt anger. "Then what is the problem HERMIONE!"

"I don't want to have a dick in me, I want to have a dick! I want to be a man! Or I'm gay, I want to be able to seduce women like you do!"

"Fucking bloody bullshit," Sirius swore, throwing down several books from the shelves before getting his leather jacket and leaving.

"Goodbye, Hermione."

"Goodbye, Sirius. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, whatever. Lesbian, man, sure."

Hermione wiped at her cheeks and tried not to break down in tears again. Though it was so hard to explain and Sirius had not understood at all. He still thought she was making excuses just to let him down.

"Oh god, Sirius, if only you knew how much I really love you...and yet I can't be with you. Not like that."

Hermione looked at one of the stray hairs Sirius had left behind on the couch. With trembling fingers, she picked up the black strand that once had been in Sirius's beautiful head of long, wavy hair.

She cradled the hair to her chest. Now she only had to do one thing to make sure she was gay: she had to Polyjuice as Sirius, be a man for one night, and see how it was from the other side.

If she, Hermione Granger, could become Sirius Black for one night and seduce another woman...perhaps Lavender?

~o~

a/N: So this was the hardest thing I ever had to write because for me Sirius and Hermione have always been very straight or bi characters, and making one gay/trans was so difficult, and so AU. I can see Hermione and Sirius both as bi but not more. JK Rowling also confirmed in her twitter once that Sirius was completely straight, though I still like to write him as bi. Hermione is probably straight too but I write her as bi on rare occasions. Well, I wrote this for a challlenge so the prompt sort of forced the plot to be that way.

Though is it scary that Hermione is going to polyjuice as Sirius and test her orientation on Lavender? A bit dark near the end isn't it? haahah well this is crackfic!