Phil was on the phone to Tracy as the rest of us sat and waited. A group of school kids walked past with an officer saying that we were in "Loserville". A young boy got his phone out and took a photo of Alan, he kicked the phone out of the boy's hand. I hit him in the arm. "Wenneck, Price, Garner, Room 3." Phil hung up the phone and we managed to sort out the handcuffs.
"Gentlemen and lady. We got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we found your mercedes." The officer explained.
"That's great." Phil said happily.
"It's in the impound right now. We found it this morning parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard."
"Huh, that's weird."
"Yeah. That is weird. We also found a note. 'Couldn't find a meter but here's four bucks'." He threw the napkin down on the table, in front of us.
"The bad news is, we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning."
For god's sake, I thought as I banged my head on the table while Phil tried to convince the officers to make a deal.
Phil- No, that's impossible. We need to be in LA tomorrow for a wedding.
Officer G-You stole a police car!
Stu- We didn't steal anything. We found it.
Alan-If anything, we deserve a reward or something. Like a trophy?
Officer F- I see assholes like you everyday
Officer G- Every FUCKIN' day.
Officer F - Let's go to Vegas. We'll all get drunk.
Both-WOO HOO! YEAH! WOOO!
Officer G- Think you gon' get away with it? Not up in here!
Officer F- NOT UP IN HERE!
Phil- Sir, If I may. I'm assuming that, that squad car belongs to one of you?
The officer nodded.
Phil- Look, I'm not a cop, I'm no hero, I'm a school teacher. But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip, that would look really bad on me.
Officer F- What are you getting at?
Me-Yeah Phil. What are you getting at?
Phil- Nobody wants to look bad. We gotta get to a wedding and you guys don't people talking about some obnoxious tourists, borrowed your squad car last night. Look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal. Discreetly, of course Ma'am.
The female officer, Garden pushed a clipboard toward the other officer and pointed at it. The male officer, Franklin laughed and looked up.
Officer F- Do any of you have any heart conditions or anything like that?
Me - I have, uh, epilepsy.
Officer F- But you guys?
Phil&Stu- No. Nope.
We were taken to a room full of kids. The same kids who went past previously.
"Okay kids. You're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect." The kids oohed, I smirked and the guys faces dropped. "Wait what?"
Stu began to say something to the guys while the officer spoke. "Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun, up close and personal-" Stu was shocked in the neck. He let out a girly yelp and fell to the floor. I cringed for him. He didn't deserve to be tased. "Or you can shoot from a distance. Now, who wants to come up here and do some shootin'?" The same officer asked. All the kids raised their hands and he chose a little girl. "Let's go handsome. C'mon." Alan began to walk forward but the officer stopped him. "Not you fat jesus, you pretty boy." He gestured to Phil. Phil hesitated but slowly walked to the front and tried to convince the girl to back out of tasing him. "You don't really want to do this." He said. She shook her head and sat down. "I'll do it!" I offered. "Okay. We're gonna have this nice lady show you how it's done. You know how to do it?" He asked me. "Yep." He handed me the gun and I shot Phil straight in the groin. I probably should've felt bad but with all the shit, he put me through when we were younger, he deserved it. I bent down and pulled him to the side. I did feel a little bit of guilt but I just sat by him while Alan was tasered twice by the boy that he angered previously. The kids were taken out of the room and we were taken to the impound where the mercedes was.
After Stu had whined about the whole situation, he went to get a drink. I noticed Phil was still in pain. "Hey? Are you okay?" I asked. "What the fuck Abi?! You tasered me!" "Look Phil, I regretted it straight after!" "Why though? Why not defend me?! Or let a kid do it?! Why you?" "Because-" "Because what?! GIVE ME A GOOD REASON FOR IT!" "BECAUSE, BECAUSE YOU BETRAY ME! YOU HURT ME! YOU KNOCKED ME UP AND THEN LEFT! THAT'S WHY PHIL! THAT IS WHY!" "KNOCKED YOU UP? IT WAS JUST A SCARE!" "No. It wasn't Phil." "What?!" "I had a baby Phil. I gave birth to your baby. I gave birth to your baby 9 years ago!" "W-w-why didn't you tell me?" "You got married, you have a son with her! I'm not a home wrecker Phil!" "Abi. I-I'm sorry!" "Leave it Phil." "Abs-" "I said leave it!"
I then turned to Alan and asked as calmly as I could if he was okay.
"I'm just worried. What if something's happened to Doug. Something bad?"
"I'm sure, he's fine."
"Then why hasn't he called?"
"I don't know. But we're gonna find out."
Stu then walked around the corner with a can in his hand. "I'll tell you another thing, six to one odds our car is beat to shit."
"Stu not now." Phil said.
"No, seriously. How much, you wanna bet, it's beat beyond all recognitio-"
"Alan is seriously worried. Let's not freak him out anymore." Phil said quietly as he stood up to Stu.
"I'm sorry Alan. You know what, we'll search the car for clues and everything's gonna be okay."
The car then pulled round the corner in perfect condition. "C'mon.
"Got anything?" Phil asked looking around. "I got a cigar?" Stu added. "I found a black shoe." "Are they women's shoes?" Stu took it off Alan. "It's a men's size six." "That's weird." I saw some condom wrappers on the floor and Alan picked up a used condom. "What is this? A snakeskin?" He dropped it on Stus shoulder. "EW!" "That's a used condom, Alan." Stu threw it back, it hit Alan in the face and he laughed before throwing onto Phil's shoulder. "HEY! C'MON GUYS!" He was trying to get it off but it wasn't moving. "I GOT JIZZ ON ME!" The car was swerving like mad. "Here." I threw it out the window. Phil slammed on the brake. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WE GOTTA GET THIS SHIT TOGETHER GUYS!" There was a thud from the trunk. "What's that?" "Doug's in the trunk!" We all got out and ran to the trunk. Phil opened it, expecting Doug but some crazy, naked, Asian guy jumped out onto Phil's shoulders. He started hitting Phil on the back with a crowbar so I ran around the front of the car, I thought I'd be safe there. I heard Stu scream, then Phil again. "I'M WITH YOU! I'M WITH YOU!" Alan screamed. "You gonna fuck on me?" "NOBODY'S GONNA FUCK ON YOU! WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE! I HATE GODZILLA! I HATE HIM TOO! HE DESTROYS CITIES. PLEASE! This isn't your fault. I'll buy you some pants.!" I heard the crowbar hit something then saw the naked guy's backside running into the distance. "I HAVE INTERNAL BLEEDING! CALL 911!" "That was some fucked up shit! Who was that guy? He was so mean!" "Guys, there's something I need to tell you." Alan said. We all turned to him. "Last night on the roof, I slipped something in our Jagermeister." "WHAT?!" "I'm sorry. I fudged up guys." "You drugged us?" "No. I was told it was ecstasy." "WHO TOLD YOU IT WAS ECSTASY?!" "The guy I bought it from at the liquor store." "Why would you give us ecstasy?" " 'Cos I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it. Just 1 hit each. I used to do 3 a night." "But it wasn't Ecstasy Alan! It was roofie!" "You think I knew that Stu? The guy, I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter." "I'm sorry. The drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy?" "Let's just calm down." Phil interjected. "WHAT?!" I yelled at him. "YOU FUCKING CALM DOWN! I LOST A TOOTH! I MARRIED A WHORE!" "How dare you?! SHE'S A NICE LADY!" "YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING MORON!" "YOUR LANGUAGE IS OFFENSIVE!" "FUCK. YOU!" Phil stood up. "Okay. Let's just take a deep breath. This is a good thing guys. At least it's not some stranger that drugged us for god knows what reason!" "Yeah, you're right Phil. This is totally a good thing. We're so much better off now." I said sarcastically. "Here's something I would like to remind you two of." Stu looked at Phil and Alan. "Our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch somewhere with a meth-head,butt fucking his corpse!" "That's highly unlikely!" "It's TRUE!" "Let's go back to the hotel, get our heads together. I'll make a couple calls. C'MON!" I got in the backseat and sat very unhappily next to Alan.
We walked down the hall to our suite. The guys looked shit, they were covered in cuts, bruises, sand and dust whereas I had managed to keep pretty tidy and clean as I hadn't been attacked by a nude asian guy. We were outside the door when Alan spoke up. "Hey guys? What about the tiger? What if it got out?" "Oh fuck. I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger. How the fuck did it get in there?" "I don't know because I don't REMEMBER." Stu said, ripping at Alan. "Shh Stu. Keep it down." "That's one of the side effects of Roofies, is memory loss." "You are literally too stupid to insult." "Thank you." "Hey!" Phil whisper-yelled. He opened the door and we quietly walked in. Alan slammed the door behind him. "Did we leave the music on?" Phil walked into some tall black guy and we all screamed. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Phil yelled. "NO. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" "Shh. Shh." We all turned around. "Mike Tyson?" In the Air Tonight was playing and Mike was singing along. "This is the best part coming up." He did the drum solo and started singing again. "I need a chorus line guys." "I can feel it coming in the air tonight.." Alan joined in. "Oh lord!" "But I've been waiting for this moment of all my life.. One more time guys!" The others joined in. "Oh lord!" Then Mike PUNCHED Alan! We all ran to him to see if he was okay. "Why did you do that?!" Phil exclaimed. " would like to know why his tiger is in your bathroom." Phil went from normal to fan boy mode. "Okay, that was completely unnecessary. I'm a big fan! When you knocked out Holmes-" "Explain." "We were drugged last night. We have no memory of what happened." They didn't believe him so I stepped up. "It's true." "And if you want to kill me, go ahead. I don't care." "Stu! What are you talking about?" "What? I don't care anymore." "Why would you wanna steal his tiger?" "We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up." Phil said, letting out a slight chuckle. "I'm going to lie down. Okay?" I walked to my room and led on the bed, trying to get my facts straight. Was I going to tell Phil everything? Why did I even tell him in the first place. I shouldn't of stunned him. Oh god. I heard the door close and there was a knock on mine. "Who is it?" "Phil." "Fine. Come in." He walked over to me and sat next to me on the bed. "About what you said at the impound-" "That's what I wanted to tell you. I want you to know everything." "Go ahead." "When I got home, I took another test just to be sure but it said positive so I took about eight more and they gave the same results. I was pregnant. That's basically it. I didn't tell you because all I knew was you'd married Steph and had a child with her. I lost any contact with you and that brings us to now." "Abi, you should've told me. I would've supported you." "I didn't want to ruin your marriage. Stu said that you two were happy together." "We only got married because she was pregnant with Eli. Abi, I love you. I always have and I always will-" I cut him off by smashing my lips to his. He kissed me back until we were interrupted by Alan. "Hey guys! The tiger's out. We gotta go." "Okay Alan. I'll stay here and tidy up. You guys go ahead."
After cleaning the room, I sat on the sofa with a budweiser and a magazine. About half an hour later, the guys came back. Phil told me that we had to look for some purse that Alan had misplaced with the asian guy from before's purse. We tore the room apart (after I'd cleaned it.) but we found nothing. "Stu, how much have you got in the bank?" "About 10 grand but I was gonna use that for the wedding." "Well, you're already married so we're good there." Phil said sitting next to me. "Besides, enough of Melissa. She's the worst." "Yeah Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or something like that." Alan added. "It was a bartender on a cruise. What is wrong with you people?" Stu corrected. Alan took a bite out of a pizza slice from the sofa. "Ew Alan. Did you just eat sofa pizza?" I asked, disgusted. "Yeah." "What are we gonna do? We are so fucked." "Hey guys." "Did you find it?" Stu asked, sitting up from his place on the couch. "No. But check this out." He said, holding his blackjack book up. I looked at Phil and he smirked.
"Hey Phil?" I asked. "Yeah?" "Which one?" I asked him, holding up the green and pink dress. "Well, you've already worn that one, so the pink one. And besides, didn't I buy you this one?" "Oh. I forgot. I fell in love with this dress, the minute I saw it." "Well, I've only ever seen you in it once, so why don't you put it on?" He asked smirking. "You'll have to turn around Phil." "Why?" He asked, pouting. "Because. I don't know where we are. So, you're not seeing me in lingerie if we aren't together." "Do I have to turn around if I want us to be together?" "Well, I want that so if you do, you can-" He cut me off by picking me up and kissing me. We pulled apart as he put me down. "What was that for?" "So I'm not aloud to kiss my wife?" "Wif- Oh my god! We never got annulled!" "Nope and we won't be doing anytime soon!" I smiled. "Great! Now, we both need to get dressed." We got changed into our outfits and walked out together. Phil's arm over my shoulder and mine around his waist. "Hey Alan! Where's Stu?" "He's gone to get changed. Wait, I'm confused. Are you two together or?" "Yep!" I smiled as he kissed my head. When Stu got back with Jade, we headed to the casino where Alan was going to count cards.
I went over to the bar to get Phil and I, some drinks. I handed Phil his drink and stood by him as Alan sat down to play. He was on a heater. He won round, after round. Phil would celebrate every win by either, swearing, shouting or kissing me. I noticed that the pit boss was watching so I looked over to Jade, she winked at me. That was my cue to keep the cameras on me and Phil. I wrapped my hands around his neck and kissed him passionately. He picked me up, still kissing me and spun me around before placing me back down. He put his arm around me and I leaned into him. Jade started laughing hysterically and fell to the floor, the pit boss changed his attention to her and bent down to help her. "That's our cue." I whispered. Phil, Alan and I cashed the chips in and ran to the car. A few minutes later Jade and Stu came out. We said goodbye to her and drove into the desert. I sat on Phil's lap while he drove. "200, 300, 400! And with all this, that's $82,400!" Stu shouted as he counted the money. Phil kissed my shoulder. "Alan! You're the man!" "You are too Phil." "We should come back next week. Take the whole city down!" "Oh I'm free next week!" Alan added. "Let's just concentrate on getting Doug back." I said, smiling at them. "Next week's no good for me! The Jonas Brothers are in town! Any week after that, totally fine." "I think it's safe to say that our luck has officially turned around guys. We are back baby! We are fucking back!" Phil said happily. Then Stu began to sing about being back which lead to Alan singing "The Four best friends" song.
Once we were in the desert, I sat in the back, whilst Phil gave them the much argued over signal and got out of the car. I watched as they spoke for a while and then Doug was taken out of the car, with a bag over his head. Stu threw the money over and the bodyguard counted it. "Let him go." The trunk man said and they pushed Doug over. They took the bag off of his head to reveal a black guy? "What the fuck?!" I got out of the car and ran over to Phil. "WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!" Phil asked angrily. "That is not Doug!" Stu added. "What you talkin' about Willis? That him!" "THAT IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND'S FIANCEE!" I screamed. I ran up to the little asian man but Phil pulled me back. "The Doug we're looking for is a white." Alan said to the men. They ripped the tape off of his face while I stormed back to the car. I let all the tears I was holding back fall. That's it. We've lost him. Tracy's going to kill me and make it look like an accident. Fuck. I knew I should've stayed in LA or even better, Sheffield.
Once the guys came to the car, we drove down the road and pulled over. "Phil. It's time." I handed him my phone and he went to go call Tracy while his free arm was around my shoulder.
"Tracy it's Phil...Yeah listen, uh, we fucked up."
NO POV.
"Thanks for the lift back to town." Black Doug said as he pulled his zipper up.
"I got a question for you. How did you wind up in Chow's car?" Stu asked him.
"That crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday."
"Okay, but why? Why you?"
"Because he thought I was with you guys because we were all hanging over at the Bellagio."
"What?"
"We were at the Bellagio?" Alan asked.
"Yeah, you don't remember? We were shooting craps together."
"No. We don't remember because some dick drug dealer sold him rufilin and told him it was ecstasy."
"There you go with that word. Rufilin. Rufilin. What the hell is a Rufilin?"
"Wow. You are the world's shittiest drug dealer. Rufilin, for your information is the date rape drug. You sold Alan roofies."
"Oh shit. I must've mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan. Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off with me on that one."
"Whatever."
"It's funny, 'cos just the other day, me and my boy, we was wondering. Why they even call them roofies? Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?"
"No. I don't know what you're talkin' about."
"Why not floories right? 'Cos when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name for 'em."
"Or how about Rapies?" Alan added.
Stu turned to Doug. "Wait, what did you just say?"
"Rapies." Alan replied.
"Not you. Doug what did you say before?"
"I said Groundies."
"No before that. You said you're more likely to wind up on the floor than-"
Abi's POV
"Phil!" I heard Stu shout. Stu tackled Phil and I to the ground and scrambled to the phone. I sat up so I was straddling Phil. I put my hand behind his back and helped him sit up. He coughed. Stu had obviously winded him. I glared at the dentist on the phone. "Tracy, it's Stu! Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil. He's completely out of his mind. Probably still drunk from last night...He is paying the bill. We just had a delicious brunch and we're in a big hurry to get back so we gotta get going. We'll see you soon. Bye." He hung up the phone. "What the fuck man?" Phil yelled, pushing Stu. "I know where Doug is!" Me and Phil gave him a confused look.
We ran to the car and piled in. Alan and Black Doug were in the backseats, Stu was in the driver's seat and Phil was sat in the passenger's seat with me on his lap. I wasn't too keen on sitting with Doug, he creeped me out a bit. "I don't know man, it just hit me. Remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?" "Yeah, it's because we threw it out the window." "No. Impossible. You can't open windows in Vegas hotels." "Then how did it get-" I nudged him and smiled. "OH MY GOD!" We were all so hyped up barr Alan and Doug. "What's going on?" Alan asked. "Doug was trying to signal someone." "Holy shit!" Phil exclaimed. "How'd you figure that out?" "Doug made me realise it." "Doug?" Phil asked, confused. I smacked his forehead lightly. "Not our Doug, Black Doug." I explained. "Hey easy with that shit! C'mon." "Sorry." "Okay. Can someone tell me where white Doug is?" "He's on the roof Alan." "Yes! He's on the roof. We must've taken him up there on his mattress as a prank so he'd wake up on the roof!" "Like that time in summer camp. Remember, we moved his sleeping bag out on the jetty in the lake." "Hahahaaha. Which is hilarious. Not so funny now, cos we forgot where we put him." "You guys are fuckin' retarted, you know that?" "Holy shit!" "Do you think he's still up there?" I asked. "There's only one way to find out." We raced back to the hotel to find our bestfriend and get him married..
