I originally said I didn't want to take a year to finish this, so I've been fighting to get this done. When I finished my first draft of chapter 1 I didn't think there was any way it would grow past 35 to 40 thousand words. Now, on the other side, I am so glad I got to spend that much more time building this story.

I want to thank everyone who has favorited or left reviews, or has just taken the time to stop by and enjoy. It means the world to me that other people are enjoying the fic I spent so long with, from plotting to polishing.

This chapter holds all the spoilers for Kross and Brodik's story lines, as well as some spoilers for the main plot.


Winter - Season of Promises

Winter 1

Snow had covered his fields in a featureless blanket overnight and the air smelled fresh and cold. Winter was a restful season for Kross. The earth would sleep under the snow, and his world had become peaceful enough that it seemed he would be allowed to do the same.

Raguna's homestead was covered in the same soft blanket. Kross spent some time gazing out over the wide field before he realized that Raguna had no reason to be working in his field today, and no reason to be here waiting for him.

Even if Raguna didn't come, Kross refused to change his routine now. He watched the light from the Runeys make soft patches of color on the snow. All he expected of this season was peace and cold. He could fit himself around any little seasonal differences in Raguna's schedule. It should be easy now that nothing was threatening to tear his world apart.

As he was leaving church in the late afternoon there was a commotion by the archive. There was a woman in black that Kross had never seen around the village before. She was carrying Raguna up out of the entrance to the underground Snow Ruins.

Instinct took over the details of getting to where Raguna was while he was still processing the situation. She wasn't hurting Raguna as she moved to lay him down. There was no immediate threat he could see. He startled her when he rushed to crouch over Raguna, but he didn't care.

Raguna was unconscious. There was frost on his clothes and hair and even Kross could sense the prickling wrong of magic aftermath clinging to him, but he didn't seem to be hurt.

"Please don't be rude, Kross." Candy stepped up beside the stranger. She was easily the most calm among the three of them. "Iris is really nice, and she's trying to help Raguna."

"What happened?"

"After Gelwein threw us out, Raguna wouldn't wake up. It wasn't safe to leave him there."

Kross didn't understand. He focused on the fact that Raguna was unconscious and not waking up.

"Is someone injured? What's going on?" Lara must have noticed the commotion. She hurried up the path to where they were gathered around Raguna.

Lara was able to draw a more complete explanation out of the other two. It seemed Raguna, accompanied by Candy and Mist for some reason, had been exploring the ruins and found Iris where she was being held underground by a sorcerer. They had managed to free her, but the sorcerer had escaped and taken Mist with him.

"Now that you can take care of Raguna we'll go back and look for Mist," Candy suggested.

"Absolutely not! Neither of you are going anywhere until I've checked on Raguna. Candy, you're certainly not going back down there!"

Kross allowed Lara to be the voice of reason. He braced his hand beside Raguna's head, a little afraid to touch him. Frost dusting his lashes had melted, giving an impression of tears, but his expression was one of peaceful sleep. If he had been put to sleep by magic, then what could Kross even do?

"It should be safe to move him. Will you help me?" Lara said, breaking into Kross's thoughts.

Kross focused on the small task of carrying Raguna home and laying him in bed to rest. Raguna was warm and heavy in his arms, and any other time Kross would have been drunk on the simple closeness but now he was too worried.

Raguna was fine, Lara reassured them. He simply needed time to wake up on his own.

For a time Kross felt as if there was a small void around him, distorting the sounds of other people's voices before they reached him. Raguna was unhurt and breathing steadily but magic still clung to his clothes and skin, and Kross didn't trust it.

At some point Candy must have fetched her grandfather. Kross felt he had to ask about the magic clinging to Raguna. No one else seemed to notice it.

"That's just residue. It happens when you cast something in a hurry, or are just careless." Kanno did not sound like he thought highly of this unknown sorcerer. "He'll be fine. I'm surprised you're sensitive enough to notice."

As long as it wasn't hurting Raguna. That was all Kross cared about.

Mist was still missing. It was decided that Iris would lead Kanno back underground to look at the door, and Kross decided he had no choice but to go as well. It was clearly dangerous even for Raguna, who made a habit of that sort of thing. He didn't want to see another injury. He decided he didn't want Raguna to wake up to that, either.

It wasn't difficult to find their way safely through the ruins. The monsters all instinctively shied away from Kross. They would rather draw back into the corners to get away than fight. Any other time Kross would have felt loneliness clawing away at him inside his chest, but his errand was too urgent for that.

Iris led them to a stone door set in a small recess. It was closed tight and there was no trace of Mist.

Kross felt his skin crawl just looking at it. If there was a trap, Kanno was careful enough not to activate it. Nothing he did could open the door.

"I'll need to gather more information before proceeding," he finally decided.

Kross assumed they would be safe retracing their steps for the moment.

They were making the assumption that Mist was trapped behind the door. Kross was afraid to touch it himself, but there was rubble scattered here and there, and it was easy to find something to serve as a good battering ram.

The sound was of stone against stone, and the walls shook as if the door was only a carving on solid rock. Kross threw all of his strength against it, but the stone pillar broke in his hands without putting so much as a chip in the door.

He should not have assumed the noise would go unnoticed. He should have expected to look up and find Kanno's eyes round as an owl's behind his glasses. He had been spoiled by having Raguna accept his strength so easily.

Iris, at least, didn't look at him as if he had done something strange.

They returned, defeated by the stone door, to join the small crowd at Raguna's bedside. Raguna breathed slow and steady, still asleep. The traces of magic on him had thankfully faded to nothing.

Kross let himself be chased out by Kanno's questions. He was willing to trust Raguna to Lara's care. Right now he couldn't do anything for Raguna that wasn't already being done. Kross couldn't even serve as his guard monster.

Winter 2

Shortly after Kross closed his door for the night he heard a knock. No one ever came to visit him in the evening, and yet he wasn't surprised to have Raguna on his doorstep. He was out of breath, but he pulled himself up straight to speak to Kross.

"I'm sorry to come so late. I wanted to see you."

"Sure." Kross stepped back automatically to let Raguna in.

"Candy said you brought me home. I meant to come visit you yesterday, but I still needed. . ." Raguna bowed his head slightly. "Thank you. You went looking for Mist, even in the cold."

"It's nothing." Even if the cold had been something to be endured he would have done so.

He coaxed Raguna to follow into his living area. He still had a fire lit to make dinner so it was a little warmer, and it seemed Raguna needed warmth now.

Raguna braced one hand on his bed, looking as if he might be ready to sit or even lie down, but he looked up at Kross and his face reddened slightly. He moved away with a quick, "Sorry. I shouldn't," even though he hadn't done anything.

"It's fine." Raguna was welcome to the bed if he needed it. He looked like he might collapse. Kross guessed he had exhausted himself searching, or perhaps fighting for Mist's sake.

Before he could find the words to ask, Raguna told him what had happened. "I found Mist. I found another way in, and I saw her. She's. . . Gelwein's using her to gather the spirits and I don't think she's even awake. She's trapped and I couldn't reach her."

Kross took a few cautious steps towards Raguna. He tried to telegraph that his intent was comfort as he lay his hand on Raguna's arm.

"I couldn't do anything to help her, and I don't know where Gelwein disappeared to, and I have to wait for Kanno to find more information, but I. . ." Raguna was shaking with emotion, his expression pleading, as if he thought Kross could somehow help when he cried, "She's in pain!"

"She's alive."

There were tears in Raguna's eyes. It was clear it had never occurred to him that she might not be.

"She'll live, until you can find her." Kross moved with the same deliberate care to hold both of Raguna's shoulders. It was the most comforting he knew how to be.

He knew it wasn't enough, but Raguna still fell against his chest and clung to him as he forced out words that weren't quite a sob, "But someone needs to help her and I'm not doing anything."

Sometimes there was nothing to be done. Sometimes the distance was too great, or you weren't strong enough or fast enough to save someone you loved. Kross knew all of that, but he wouldn't say it while Raguna was halfway to crying in his arms. This wasn't a loss long ago etched on his heart. There was still hope, and he wanted Raguna to have that.

"You'll do what you can. Everyone will," Kross promised, not because he had faith in some kindness of fate but because he knew Raguna and he knew the villagers at least that much.

"Kross," Raguna whispered against his shoulder.

He didn't say anything else for several minutes. Kross certainly didn't know what to say. All he knew was Raguna was clinging to his shirt, face pressed into him. He simply held Raguna to him, wishing his hands could press strength and comfort into Raguna's body.

"I should go home. I should eat something and get back to work. I should be ready if I have to fight to get Mist back," Raguna finally said.

He didn't move at first. Kross didn't offer to let go of him, especially not when Raguna seemed to press closer for a moment.

When Raguna did finally ease out of his arms, Kross had to let him go.

"I think this is why I wanted to see you, Kross. I feel calmer now, like I can do what I need to do." Raguna leaned forward one more time and touched a soft kiss to Kross's cheek.

"I'll be here if you need me," Kross managed. If Raguna needed him, he would offer what he could freely.

Winter 5

Kross wasn't used to having company up on a roof with him, but for Raguna he would make an exception. He worked a little more slowly than usual, waiting for Raguna to pass him new shingles as needed. It wasn't an urgent repair job this time, but overdue weather-proofing for the archives to ensure Selphy wouldn't have any trouble when the winter storms really started.

So far the weather had been mild. The afternoon sunshine could still warm his back, although it wasn't strong enough to relax Raguna.

Kross looked at his companion to find him gazing up at Whale Island again. He had spent the last few days fighting until he came back battered and exhausted. Kross suspected he was up here hiding from another one of Lara's worried lectures, but if Raguna was choosing his company he wasn't going to bring that up.

"Have you found anything?" Kross asked. He took a new shingle from the stack near Raguna's hand to replace a loose one. He had promised to look for Mist himself, but he was sure Raguna had already searched through the Snow Ruins, and anyway he hadn't found anything there.

"Kanno thinks he's found a way to get me to where Gelwein's taken Mist," Raguna answered. He pulled something from the pouch at his waist. "He asked me to give these to twelve maidens to grow."

Raguna held two seeds in his palm. The light slid over them oddly, as if they were really bits of polished stone.

"Who will you give them to?"

"The last two I think I should give to Iris Blanche and Iris Noire this evening, if they'll accept them. It seems like the right thing to do." Raguna closed his hand over the seeds and held them to his chest for a moment. "I wish I could grow one myself, but I'm so glad everyone has been helping, trying to get Mist back."

Kross wasn't surprised to see the village coming together to help one of their own. He hoped whatever this plan was it would work, ideally without Raguna recklessly putting himself in danger.

"Thank you, too. For helping to look for Mist."

"I didn't find anything."

"Even so, you still helped. I'm grateful."

Raguna slipped the seeds back into his pouch for safekeeping. When Kross moved up the roof to work on a new section, Raguna came with him. He seemed to have revived a little, looking at the work under their hands instead of staring into the sky. He handed Kross the next shingle and held his nails without prompting.

"I wonder what a crystal flower from Kross's soul would look like," Raguna said. He was smiling when Kross looked over at him.

Kross hadn't seen him smile in four days. It had never occurred to him how long that time could seem.

"What about your soul?" Kross countered.

"Hm, what do you think?"

Kross couldn't imagine distilling a person into a crystal, but when he looked into Raguna's eyes he was reminded of something beautiful. "Iolite."

"Am I that easy?" Raguna laughed. "I don't know what that is."

"Water-sapphire. Sailors use it to find their way," Kross clarified. He had only seen it once, but it had stuck in his mind. A deep blue that changed with the light and found the sun behind clouds so faithfully you could steer by it. As soon as he thought of that nothing else suited Raguna.

"And I still have no idea for you."

Raguna followed as he moved to the next area, meticulously giving attention to even small flaws. No matter what else was happening, nothing would be helped by allowing the archive roof to leak with winter settling in.

"Amber is a gem that comes from tree sap, isn't it? Maybe that's the most fitting for you, Kross." Raguna paused to think. "But I don't think it's a crystal. I don't know, then. If you were a maiden I would give you one of the seeds to find out," he teased.

Kross sighed. Everything else aside, he thought his soul had too many old flaws sunk into it to grow any kind of crystal. It was just as well Raguna couldn't offer him a seed. The result might shatter before it could be of any use.

"Would that be okay?"

"If you wanted to." Kross knew he wouldn't actually refuse if Raguna thought there was something he could do. Mist was part of the village, and he wanted to see her home safe as well.

"Thank you," Raguna said, even though he hadn't done anything at all. Kross felt he should be the one to be grateful, though he didn't know to who or what, because there was hope in Raguna's eyes.

Winter 8

Raguna had not been at his farm on the last holiday, and Kross didn't think he had taken part in the (much subdued) Quiz Contest, either. Without the work of tending his fields to focus on, Kross chose to walk over to Raguna's homestead again, even knowing how unlikely it was that he would be there.

He heard Raguna's voice shouting from up by the clock tower, "I can't just give up like this!"

Raguna rushed by, down the road that ran by his farm towards the beach, and towards Mist's house. Kross followed, his body moving almost before he was aware of it.

They didn't go far. Raguna stopped in front of Mist's house. Kross stopped a few steps behind.

"There has to be some way to figure this out." Raguna turned to Kross as if he might know what to do. "We can't just give up, right?"

"What happened?"

"Even after Kanno found a way and everyone helped grow the crystal flowers we're one flower short, and we have no more seeds to grow another one. It's my fault, Kross."

"Where did you find the seeds?" Kross asked. He might not know anything about magic, but he did understand the simple process of obtaining seeds to grow crops.

Raguna shook his head and admitted, "I ran out without asking. I only know they're rare, but. . ." he trailed off as something caught his eye. He hurried into Mist's yard and stopped in front of a flower that was blooming in spite of the snow. It glittered, like crystal.

"It's the flower Mist was growing. . . Th-this is. . ." Raguna picked the flower and cradled it in both hands as if it were made of glass. "This is a crystal flower. With this we can find Mist!"

Raguna jumped the low fence in his rush to race back to the clock tower. Kross stepped in front of him at the last moment and forced him to stop short.

"You're going to fight a sorcerer."

"If I have to. I'm going to find Mist and bring her home! Kross, she's the only family I have. She's always been. . . Don't you want her to be safe too?"

Kross had a completely rational terror of sorcerers. He was lucky it didn't come up very often. It pushed its way up his spine now, like an impulse to run.

"Take me with you."

"I can't."

"You could take a monster to fight with you, like you do in the dungeons. Take me with you."

"No, Kross. I can't ask you to fight. You could get hurt." Raguna lay a hand on Kross's shoulder, and when he couldn't shift Kross out of the way he stepped around him.

Kross followed until Raguna said to him, very gently, "Will you stay here? Just in case something happens. Will you protect the other villagers, for me?"

Because he couldn't protect Raguna where he was going.

Kross accepted as if Raguna had laid a geas over him. He swallowed his terror-wrapped heart and stayed well back from the spirit energy as Raguna disappeared into an unknown world.

A small eternity passed, and then another. He thought Kanno tried to talk to him, but he could only shake his head. The man he loved had gone to face a sorcerer and he could think of nothing else.

Something like magic pulsed through the air. It stuck to his skin and Kross tried not to breathe deeply, not wanting the chalky feeling in his lungs. He could hear singing coming from far away but he couldn't identify the source.

For a moment Kross feared something really would happen. He had no weapon and his claws were blunted now from years of honest work, but he readied himself to defend his home.

Then Raguna was standing on the pedestal once again. He held Mist's hand tightly in his, leading the way as she stepped out of a shimmer of light and back into the real world.

The sense of magic in the room abruptly dropped until it was at a normal level, something one would only consciously notice during a drastic change.

"We're home!" Mist said it as cheerfully as if it had only been a short trip.

There was the sound of people running down the stairs outside. Before any of them could react the door burst open, spilling Cinnamon, Melody, and Lara into the room.

"You're back," Cinnamon gasped, sounding out of breath.

"We had to make sure. We already interrupted the magic lesson, anyway," Melody added.

"Raguna, you're hurt!" Lara clasped her hands together with concern. Kross thought she was the most reasonable one. Raguna didn't act like he was hampered by his injuries, but he'd clearly had a hard fight.

"That's right. You need to take better care of yourself," Mist scolded, which made Raguna laugh.

"If you come to the infirmary I'll do what I can," Lara told him.

"Thank you." Raguna stumbled as he stepped down from the pedestal and Mist had to support him as he almost fell. Her dreamy smile was lost in a flash of concern. It was obvious he was hurt more badly than he wanted to show.

Kross had been lurking beside the pedestal, watching for a threat that never appeared. Now at least he was close at hand to reach out and support Raguna.

"Oh, Kross! You must be here to help Raguna, right?"

Kross was more startled by Melody smiling at him and expecting the best of him than he had been by them rushing into the room.

"Yes. I can carry him," Kross answered softly. This answer was welcomed by all present. Raguna stretched an arm around his shoulders. Kross lifted him with the utmost care.

It was a very short walk to the infirmary. Lara and Cinnamon hovered around Mist, making sure she was none the worse for her ordeal. Raguna kept his arms around Kross's neck as he offered a token protest that he could at least walk if Kross would help support him.

At the door to the infirmary they met Anette, who rushed up the path so quicky Kross wasn't sure how she stopped without colliding into someone. "You made it back! I just finished my deliveries. I'll let everyone know right away."

"You must think I'm useless if I came back like this," Raguna said as Lara made him hold still so she could deal with his wounds.

"You came back," Kross told him.

"And you brought Mist back," Lara added. "And now we'll make sure you recover."

The infirmary was filling up with people. Selphy came to check on Raguna and was roped into holding bandages for Lara. Eunice kept offering to bring Raguna something to eat or drink, clinging to Uzuki's hand the whole time. He heard Rosetta over the crowd when she cried, "Do you have any idea how worried everyone was?"

"But I wasn't worried. I knew Raguna would find me."

He knew Raguna heard the exchange from the sheepish smile and the way he started to relax at last.

After only a few minutes of this Kross found he desperately wanted to escape. There were too many people and too many voices talking all at once. It felt like half the village had packed themselves into the infirmary.

As Kross was trying to decide on an escape route he heard his name called. Tabatha was standing close but not too close. She might have been there accompanying Bianca, but she was looking at Kross. He recognized in her serene face the gentleness of one looking to soothe a frightened monster.

"Will you please tell Stella what all the commotion is about? I'm sure she's wondering."

She was holding out an excuse to escape and Kross grabbed for it, not caring how awkward he managed to be as he did so.

The church was blessedly quiet without being too far from where Raguna was. At the moment that was very important to Kross.

Raguna followed him after some time. He smoothed a hand down Kross's arm and promised that it had helped to have Kross there as a guard. Kross didn't believe his words but he believed the love in the way Raguna moved to hug him, and that was enough.

Kross took care to hold Raguna gently, mindful of his wounds. Raguna had come back. He had brought Mist safely home. That was enough.

Winter 9

In the morning the sky was heavy with clouds. They had eaten the top of the mountain and swallowed up Whale Island completely. The world was dim and hushed between grey clouds and drifts of snow.

The air didn't smell like snow yet, so Kross opened his windows to clean out the warm, stale air. Somehow he didn't anticipate that the resulting cross breeze would play havoc with his blueprints.

He was still collecting the wayward papers when Raguna arrived. He tried to help, fetching things from the shelf to use as paperweights. Kross noticed that there was soon a warrior medal on his table which had not been part of his collection before. He ran a finger down the outlandish tongue that dominated the carved face, not sure if he should say anything.

"Aren't you cold, Kross? It almost feels colder in here than outside."

"This is comfortable to me."

"You're tougher than I am. Are you from somewhere that gets very cold?"

It was an innocent question, and Kross found it was easy enough to answer even after his recent fears. "Yes. We had much more snow than this each winter. Winter storms could last several days."

"You must have been very busy with weather-proofing."

"I wasn't a carpenter back then. Since coming here, I've had to teach myself many things." What little he knew was not enough. Kross knew he had been a very poor apprentice. He had been set on becoming a monster hunter instead.

When he laid the foundations for his own home, Kross had tried to picture his father's face. He couldn't imagine joy that he had chosen to become a carpenter at last. The expression he saw was neither proud nor critical, too close to the expression his father had worn when told his only son intended to go off to fight. 'You must be sure before you start, Weber. This is not something that will be undone easily.'

Kross was sure of his choice to make his home here. Every year his certainty grew.

"That's really amazing. You know, everyone appreciates your work. You're the very best in Trampoli." Raguna reached for his hand, fingertips hooking with fingertips. His voice was warmed by an embarrassing mix of kindness and sincerity.

Kross sighed, but he wasn't opposed to Raguna's hand catching his.

"I actually wanted to ask you for something, since you are the best carpenter in town," Raguna said, neatly leading Kross away from his memories and back to the present.

"What do you need?"

"Iris is moving to town today. Both of them, I mean. They already have a place to stay at the inn, but I thought they might like some new furniture since the two of them are planning to share one room. I was going to buy them something as a welcome gift. I guess I need to ask for a favor, too. If it's not too much trouble, could you deliver it at night? That's when they're awake."

Kross remembered Iris, at least the one who had carried Raguna out of the Snow Ruins. He could do this small favor for her.

"What do you want me to make?"

Raguna wasn't sure, and ended up describing the set-up of their room. It seemed the two were happy sharing a room and a bed. They were happy sharing everything after so long apart. Rather than make a duplicate of anything, Kross thought it would be best to make them something new. The settee he designed was meant for two, of course. He built a chest into the simple, solid bench, and smoothed the back rest into a graceful but comfortable curve. If there was something he wanted to express it was only 'thank you.' Raguna would take care of welcoming them. He was good at that.

Kross built the simple piece of furniture with the thought that it would endure for many, many years.

When Raguna came back, just as the sun was setting, he happily admired Kross's work. Even if Kross had been commissioned and paid as normal, he wasn't quite used to being praised until his ears burned.

Both Iris Blanche and Iris Noire reminded him of Mist on a level that he couldn't explain even to himself. It was an impression they knew things just beyond human senses. He didn't think it was a bad thing.

Kross ignored the conversation as they got ready for their first night working at the tavern. He simply placed the settee carefully against one wall where space had been made for it.

"This is beautiful. Thank you."

Iris Noire was looking at his work rather than him. That made it easier for Kross. He was suddenly glad he had worked with both dark and light wood. It seemed fitting.

"It was Raguna's idea."

When Kross stepped back Iris Blanche was already moving her easel back into place.

"Did you start a new painting, Iris?"

"Yes. I wanted to paint because of the excitement of moving to town. What do you think?"

Raguna's smile was still kind, but slightly desperate. He started to sweat as if cornered. "It's very nice. Um. . ."

Kross moved to look. It was a bit like staring at clouds trying to find a picture in them. He was reminded of countless times humoring his youngest sister's efforts.

"Whale Island," Kross guessed before he noticed Raguna gesturing for him not to.

"Yes. I wanted to paint the view from town, since I hadn't seen it this way before."

Raguna visibly relaxed. "That's right. Kross is also an artist."

Kross didn't get a chance to ask what that had to do with anything. Raguna somehow led him down to the tavern as the two girls started their night's work. Almost as soon as Kross reluctantly took a place at one of the tables Raguna was stolen away from him.

Iris Blanche placed a cool glass of tomato juice next to him. "I'm glad I'm finally able to meet you. When he talked about Trampoli, Raguna always said you were a very kind person but you were also very quiet."

"Thank you for being a good friend to Raguna," Iris Noire added.

Kross looked up at Raguna in askance, but Raguna didn't notice.

Raguna had told him Iris had been very lonely. (Though he hadn't mentioned talking to them about Kross, of all people.) "If you want to live among people, I'm sure you will be happy here."

Their smiles were identical, lovely as the moon reflected on a calm lake. Kross honestly wanted them to be able to live happily in Trampoli. He just shied away from getting too involved.

Others were starting to come in for the evening. Turner was laughing and teasing Raguna that now he had his farm set up so well he should work on finding a lovely wife.

As Iris moved to look after the other customers, Kross slipped out of the tavern.

Cold, quiet air was a relief to him. Kross lifted his head to feel the wind on his face. Behind him there was the familiar sound of someone running through the snow.

"Kross!" Raguna rushed to catch up to him. His breath steamed the air. "I'm sorry. I know hanging around the tavern isn't what you usually like to do. Thank you for making them feel welcomed."

"It doesn't make any difference. Everyone in the village will welcome them."

"It makes a difference to them. It made a difference to me, you know."

He had said this enough times now that Kross could only believe him. "I'm glad," he whispered, surprising himself with the truth of it.

Yellow light spilled from the tavern's windows and across the path behind Raguna, but where they stood there was only the light of the moon on fresh snow. The world was silent and calm with just the two of them.

Kross put his hands on Raguna's shoulders. When he hesitated, Raguna leaned closer. A whisper of, "Will you kiss me?" was all he needed to finish what he started.

He felt Raguna smile. With the smallest shift, Raguna fit himself in Kross's arms as if he was made to belong there.

"I'm just grateful everyone's okay. Things are finally calming down. It feels like everything's going to be all right now."

Kross could certainly appreciate this. He let out a sigh of agreement and then kissed Raguna again.

For a little while he was able to monopolize Raguna, the two of them clinging close together in the peaceful night.

Winter 10

Kross took one look back, long enough to catch a glance and a smile from Raguna. He had to trust that Raguna would be all right.

If it had been Brodik that Raguna was fighting, he never could have left Raguna there alone. Such a large Golem was dangerous, of course, but nothing close to the danger Kross had feared he would find when he followed Raguna into the Green Ruins. When Brodik returned to finally challenge Raguna to a fight he could not stand back and let that happen. He had arrived just in time to see Brodik incapacitated by his own monster.

He knew Raguna was strong from exploring and fighting monsters nearly every day. Kross told himself that Raguna would come back safely, and concentrated on getting Brodik out of the ruins and to the infirmary, as he had promised.

Lara looked up in surprise when he stepped into the infirmary with Brodik slung over one shoulder.

"What happened? Is he unconscious? Lay him down here, Kross."

Kross lay Brodik down (more gently than he might have, in difference to Lara's concern) and stepped out of the way to let her check the bump on his head.

"What happened?" she asked again, looking to him for an answer.

For a moment Kross considered holding his tongue. He doubted Raguna would lie, but he would likely try to downplay certain things so as not to cause trouble for Brodik. He knew Raguna would want to keep the peace, but Kross still told what he knew.

"He challenged Raguna to fight him in the Green Ruins. He was waiting with a Golem, but when he told it to attack Raguna, it hit him instead." Raguna would not have wanted him to put it so bluntly, but he had already let this go too far without saying anything. "Raguna is still fighting the Golem. He'll be here soon."

Lara looked up from selecting herbs from her stock with open dismay on her face. "You were there with Raguna, weren't you? It's not like you to leave him behind!"

"I went to make sure of Raguna's safety," Kross admitted. Even this morning he hadn't let himself be completely sure of Brodik's strength. He had worried about the outcome if Raguna held back for fear of hurting Brodik when Brodik had no reason to do the same. Against that Golem he knew Raguna would triumph. Kross let out a hint of a self-deprecating laugh. "He's strong. I'm going to have faith in him."

"I suppose you're right. I do wish he wouldn't get into such dangerous situations," Lara sighed.

Kross retreated to being a silent shadow against the wall.

After a moment of mutual silence as she went through the steps to make up some sort of poultice for the wound on Brodik's head, Lara spoke again. "I'm being unfair to you. I'm grateful you got Brodik here safely. I can't expect you to carry both of them back."

He could have, though being harassed by a Golem at the same time might have been a bit too much. Kross didn't mention this.

"I'm sure Raguna will come here as soon as he's finished," Lara said, with an air of confidence that bolstered Kross's own.

Stella came in after a few minutes. Lara had probably told her what was happening when she went to fetch more herbs, but Kross had known her long enough to imagine that she simply knew when one of the villagers was injured.

He waited for Raguna to come back and he waited for Brodik to wake. Of course, it didn't take long for Raguna to deal with the Golem and rush to the infirmary. Kross hadn't expected that it would.

"How is Brodik?"

"He's asleep. Fortunately, his injuries aren't too bad. He should be able to recover after resting a little."

"That's good to hear." Raguna moved in between Lara and Stella to get a better look. Then he looked up at Kross and smiled. He didn't even notice the expectant look Stella was fixing him with at first.

"What happened?" Stella asked. She was perfectly calm and yet Raguna shifted guiltily.

Kross sighed. He knew he couldn't hide anymore. He had known from the moment he saw that Brodik had challenged Raguna to fight at last. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault."

Raguna looked at him, but Kross suddenly couldn't meet his eyes. "Kross. . . ? Why are you apologizing?"

"He. . . Brodik is a special agent from the Zzyzx Empire."

"What's a special agent from Zzyzx doing here?" Stella's question reminded Kross that he hadn't deceived only Raguna.

"A few years ago, a soldier defected from the army. He was in the special agent unit, but he was sick of his work. Sick of deceiving and hurting. . . He drifted to a small village in the frontier lands and wanted to live in peace on a farm. But the Zzyzx Empire would not let him off so easily. They believed it would be bad if sensitive information were leaked so they sent someone after him."

"And that's Brodik?"

"Yes. But, he made one crucial mistake. He thinks you, Raguna, are that escaped soldier. The real one is elsewhere."

Perhaps Brodik had already been awake during his whole explanation, but he only came alive at those words. "It can't be!"

"Brodik! You'll reopen your wounds if you do that!" Lara moved to push him back into bed, but he didn't seem to notice. He ignored Lara and Stella, ignored Kross as if he were no more than a ghost. He still had eyes only for Raguna.

"If the real AWOL soldier isn't him, then what are you, Raguna?!"

"Raguna is just a civilian."

"But the search bulletin said the man had dark hair, blue eyes, and was skilled with the sword."

"There is another person in this village that fits that description."

"Then. . ." Brodik finally let himself be pushed back. He seemed to have lost the will to fight.

"Yes. Former Zzyzx Empire special agent, Weber. That is my previous name, Brodik."

Finally, Brodik dragged his eyes away from Raguna. He looked at Kross, and for the first time looked past the thin curtain of his hair and truly saw him. "But. . . Then what have I been doing all this time. . . ?"

"If only I had told you sooner." Kross looked away from Brodik to Raguna. "I really must apologize to you, Raguna."

Brodik, Stella, and Raguna. Kross felt his fate lay in the hands of those three, and now they all knew the truth. He couldn't hide anymore. He could only submit to their judgement now.

For the moment Brodik had been left reeling. "But that. . . I'm sorry. . . Please leave me alone for now."

When Raguna moved to speak to Brodik, Kross lay a hand on his shoulder and shook his head.

"But," he protested softly, looking to Kross instead. Perhaps he thought Kross had more answers, but Kross was spent.

As he guided Raguna out of the infirmary, urging him through the passage into the church, he was surprised to realize he didn't want to run. He only wanted to take their judgements one at a time, if he could.

"Kross, are you all right?" He somehow didn't expect Raguna looking at him as if he might need help. He wasn't the one who'd been called out and forced to fight a Golem.

Kross let out a long sigh. "I suppose you know the truth now."

"Kross?"

That was the name he had taken for himself, the man he had decided to become. He had abandoned his old self. He couldn't forget, but he had hoped to remove himself from his past and set down his roots where he could live in peace.

His past had come looking for him, and he couldn't duck his head and hide anymore. He owed that much to Raguna, if no one else. "Now you know about the man named Weber, who he was, and who he is now." He knew Brodik had called Raguna by that name, and he had not confessed then. "You must think him a coward, who fled the army and lied to you."

"I'm not sure I know someone named Weber," Raguna said thoughtfully. "Although, I don't think I have a very good description to go on. An ex-solider who wanted to be a farmer. A man with dark hair and blue eyes, who was very strong. I suppose I could say I know a farmer like that."

Kross was frozen, expecting condemnation, but Raguna continued without cutting him down, "You might not even notice his blue eyes at first, if he doesn't look up. He's the kind of person who works seriously in his fields without stopping. He's amazingly strong, and he uses that strength to build wonderful things.

"He's not perfect, of course. He works himself into heat exhaustion sometimes. Sometimes I worry he forgets to eat. He never comes to festivals, and he rarely looks for company. People almost forget about him, like he's a ghost on the edge of town. But when you get to know him he's kind, and he's thoughtful. I know with everything he builds he thinks of those who will live there, humans and monsters. He's a good man, though I'm not sure he realizes that." Raguna slowly moved closer until he was speaking almost into Kross's ear "And this man I know. . . I have to confess, I love him."

Kross let out a soft grunt, as if he had been punched in the gut. He didn't move. He closed his eyes, feeling Raguna's breath against the side of his face.

"I do love him," Raguna repeated, "Very much. I suppose it's not impossible he is the same person, but I can only tell you about the man I know."

Kross felt struck down by Raguna's tender words. It should have been easier with Raguna speaking as if he were only himself, not his past. Maybe it was easier, but at a time like this it was almost unbearable to have Raguna describe him as the person he had wanted to be through all his seasons in Trampoli.

"It was a terrible description to go looking for someone with, wasn't it?" Raguna added after a moment, gently inviting him to laugh. "No wonder he thought it was me."

"You wouldn't have liked Weber."

He wondered if Raguna would have recognized him. Weber was a man who had walked into Hell on Earth through stubborn loyalty and saw nothing come of it. Kross remembered Weber as a man who took too long to step away from being a weapon and choose something good and right.

Remembering himself as Weber reminded him that he was something incompatible with being a farmer, or a carpenter, or a lover. But even if he wasn't made for any of those things, even if they weren't meant for him, those were the places Kross lost himself and found himself again. He was rooted in earth and wood, and that was the closest he had to belonging.

Raguna paused for a second, and Kross tensed, waiting for him to try to smooth this over as well, but instead he stepped back as if to better study Kross. Kross had to meet his eyes again, and he could only think that those beautiful eyes never should have been mistaken for his.

"Maybe I wouldn't, since it seems there are parts of him you aren't fond of. But I like you. That's what I'm trying to tell you. When I look at you I don't see this person you think I won't like. I see the person I know."

It felt like a blessing. It was the life he had worked for laid out clearly before him.

Stella cleared her throat and saved him from trying to kiss Raguna in the church.

"Raguna, please wait a moment. I have something for you."

Kross met Stella's gaze evenly. He was prepared to be judged. She had never asked him about his past since the day he woke up in her church. The most he had told her was that he couldn't continue as the person he had been and he was looking for a place to start over.

Somehow he had gained a place without ever attending a confessional or laying out the nature of his sins for Stella to see. He knew she hated dishonesty and she hated violence. She would already know that he had hurt others in the past. Now he would see what would change with his past brought to light.

"Thank you for bringing Brodik here. We'll see he recovers from this bout of idiocy. And thank you for looking after Raguna."

Kross waited to be condemned, but when no judgement came he finally had to ask, "Do you regret harboring a soldier who told you nothing of his past?"

"I believe that if a man wanted to start a new life in a farming village, the best thing he could do would be to care for those around him. That is exactly what I would have hoped for you to do, Kross. You are welcome here."

Tears stung in his eyes. He had never expected to feel like he was being accepted all over again.

"If you are still troubled, you can always speak to me."

Kross was not surprised that she knew he still wasn't ready to speak in detail. He might never be, but she was offering him the time he needed. "Thank you, Sister."

Raguna hesitated, then moved to talk to Stella. Kross expected that he would be receiving a few stiff reminders not to be so reckless, and left to give him some privacy. Stella was forgiving, but she worried about the villagers even more firmly than Lara.

Once outside Kross stopped. He didn't mean to stop and wait, but he did. His feet didn't want to move. He gazed up into the grey sky with his mind almost meditatively blank, letting snowflakes brush his face.

A few minutes later Raguna came trotting out of the church, nearly tripping over his own feet as he stuffed a paper in his bag. He looked up, caught Kross looking at him, and his face suddenly went red.

In spite of his embarrassment, he caught Kross's hand. He let Kross adjust once again to the fact of his hand being held.

"Thank you for waiting."

Winter 11

Kross saw Brodik give Anette the letter, and it wasn't difficult to guess who and what it was for. He at least understood stubborn pride. He understood the need to see things through.

He didn't intercept the letter. He didn't interfere.

He did make his own way to the Green Ruins a second time. He had been there often in the first few years he had lived in Trampoli. They stayed warm even under the frozen ground, locked in eternal spring. He had gone to scavenge bamboo shoots and wild grasses when he hadn't been able to grow enough to survive the winter. Every so often he'd even had the luck to find spring vegetables or rice.

Wild monsters ran away from him. He moved slowly to give them time to escape, and soon nothing stood between him and the arena where Brodik waited.

"I know you didn't come to take his place, and I doubt he asked you to be his second. The sister said you were a pacifist." Brodik glanced at Kross, but most of his attention stayed on the doorway where Raguna could be expected to appear. His hand remained on his hilt, as if his opponent might burst in and immediately start the battle.

Kross could have ignored the obvious question, but there didn't seem to be a point to retreating into himself anymore. "I came to watch your duel."

"Seems like you want to interfere again."

"Do you intend to kill him?"

"No!" Brodik bellowed at him. The ruins echoed his denial for several seconds.

Kross had known without asking. He could sense the Retornen worked into Brodik's blade, meant for dealing with monsters and almost-monsters, not for harming humans.

"Then you have nothing to fear from me."

Brodik let out a sharp bark of a laugh. "You really did became a pacifist, huh? And they told me the man I was hunting was dangerous."

The way he said that got Kross's curiosity up, but he didn't comment. He would rather wonder if Brodik ever knew what he was than ask and make sure that he did.

"In case you think not bringing you back with me is a concession because of my mistake: I don't feel any pang of conscience leaving you here. Obviously you're just another farmer living peacefully alongside his neighbors. I can't see you as a danger. That's the only reason."

Kross's laugh surprised even him. He had thought monster hunters were skilled at identifying dangerous elements. Maybe Brodik's assessment was right. He had settled himself into this life without violence or anger, after all. He would never wish to harm one of the people who lived around him.

"My sister told me the only good men were farmers and craftsmen." Noel, ever aware of her position as the oldest and therefore only mature one, had lectured him with a mix of love and frustration. It was true that their father had been a carpenter, a good and dependable man. Her husband had been a farmer, with all the same virtues. But it was obvious all that mattered was that he not become a soldier. She had been afraid he would never come home, and she had been right.

Brodik's only comment was a low grunt.

They both fell silent after that. There didn't seem to be anything to say, so they listened to the small sounds of the monsters living in the ruins.

Then Kross heard the familiar sound of running footsteps. He had never doubted Raguna would appear to meet Brodik's challenge. Perhaps it was unfair of him to ask this of Raguna, but he could see that fighting him would have no meaning for Brodik now.

If he feared for Raguna's life, that would have been different. He could no longer find the fear that had lived under his breastbone through last autumn.

It was a duel between two men who were more accustomed to fighting monsters than other humans. They read each other's movements, countered, rebounded, circled each other. In the future Kross would be able to picture Raguna fighting, strong and agile. He would also be able to picture the vulnerable places in Raguna's guard.

There was no temptation to break his word and interfere. Raguna managed a decisive victory.

He didn't need to worry about Brodik, either, judging by the loud laughter after he was knocked to the ground. By the time Kross made his way back to the platform Brodik had already dragged himself to his feet, ignoring Raguna's hand.

"Sorry to have caused you so much trouble. I'll just report to my superiors that our target wasn't here."

Even if he had said something similar before, Kross had trouble believing it. "Are you sure? If another person comes and finds me, it will be bad for you."

Brodik started laughing again. "I lived next to you all this time and didn't notice. I doubt others will find you any easier!"

Kross didn't know how to respond to that when he knew the price of his invisibility.

"See ya, Raguna. I'll write to you when things settle down."

As Brodik turned to go, Raguna called after him, "Brodik! Take care."

"You, too."

Kross felt lightheaded, but at the same time there was still a weight on his heart. It was over now, but Raguna had been so kind to him. He had put off passing judgement for so long. "Raguna, I really caused you so much trouble. I don't know how to apologize to you."

"It's nothing! I'm just glad the misunderstanding is cleared up. Besides, I feel like I got to know you a little better, Kross." Raguna's hand caught his and laced their fingers together. "Let's go home."

Raguna must have noticed how the monsters scurried out of their way, but he didn't say anything. He simply kept moving, half a step ahead as if he was leading Kross up to the light of day.

"You want to know more about me?"

"Of course I do. Is that okay? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"Ask."

Raguna hesitated before picking a question from what must have been an impossible number. "You were a special agent, like Brodik. Is that why you're so strong?"

"I'm not like Brodik. You saw the tattoo on his arm. That crest means he's a monster hunter. He protects people by dealing with rampaging monsters and other dangerous things. I. . ." Kross didn't know how to explain, where to begin. 'Special agent' meant something different for him. It did say that he was strong, a thing apart, but not the same way.

"That's right. He did say there was a dragon nearby he wanted to deal with."

Raguna gave him a stretch of silence, time to struggle with the old thoughts littering his mind. When he didn't say anything more Raguna stepped in front of him and turned all in one motion, so that Kross walked into his arms.

"It's okay."

Kross let out a short, mirthless laugh, but hugged Raguna in return.

"It's okay," Raguna repeated firmly. "You belong here. You're home."

"This is your home," Kross responded. At that moment they were on Raguna's homestead, across from his barn.

"You know what I mean."

Kross wasn't surprised to find that yes, he thought he understood very well.

Winter 12

Raguna was watching him mending his fence. Kross was enjoying the company, especially since this meant Raguna didn't mind being with him even after a night to think things over.

"Kross?" Raguna finally called to get his attention. "You said one of the extensions you could make on the house would be a bedroom. Um, I don't know if you have any plans drawn up already, but if there's something you think would be suitable I would like that."

Kross paused in his work and lifted his head to look at Raguna. He only had one set of plans for this prepared. "I could do that. With a second floor expansion I could move you bedroom upstairs. It would be much roomier." A second floor seemed more private, though he thought the price and the lumber involved might turn Raguna away.

"I think I'm running out of things I can ask you to build," Raguna told him, instead.

It seemed he was still enjoying living in a house improved by Kross's hands. Kross wouldn't mind remodeling one section after another until the entire farmhouse was a patchwork of his plans. Then he would rest on the thought that Raguna lived in a house he had rebuilt piece by piece.

For now he would be sufficiently pleased just knowing Raguna slept in an extension he had built himself. He focused on something clean and homey, not open like the space Raguna had been sleeping in before, but not claustrophobic. He wanted to build his thoughts into the wood itself, let this be a place where Raguna could rest until even the worst exhaustion was gone.

Kross waited until he was done to spare a thought for the possibility that he might spend another night here someday, if Raguna would have him.

Winter 13

Snow was falling in fat, soft flakes from the moment Kross woke up. He intended to stay home and do some carpentry work on such a peaceful day. Rita wanted some new chairs for the tavern, and he thought he would finish them today.

In the middle of the afternoon Raguna interrupted to admire his work. He loved how sturdy the things Kross made were. His smile still managed to fluster Kross enough that it was difficult to respond. (Even more so when Raguna realized he was a distraction for Kross and laughed and kissed him in apology.)

Finally Raguna extended the invitation that had led him there in the first place. "Melody said we can use the outside bath, even though it's snowing today. I thought this way there would be no steam to bother you. And if it's too hot you can just climb out into the snow. You like the snow, right?"

Kross wasn't sure he wanted another hot bath, but he decided he was willing to try it one more time if he was going with Raguna.

It was easier to breathe outside. Snowflakes drifted down, melting before they touched the water. Kross tilted his head back to watch them fall as he held Raguna's hand tightly under the water.

There was a long scar down Raguna's back that hadn't been there before, from his fight to rescue Mist. There was a part of Kross that wanted to touch it and whisper his thanks that Raguna had survived and healed. He couldn't do such a thing when Raguna was being so gentle with him by not asking about his own scars.

"The snow is so beautiful. It's nice to be able to enjoy it while staying nice and warm, isn't it?" Raguna said, getting his attention before he moved closer so that his shoulder pressed against Kross's.

"I've never minded the cold. It feels comfortable to me. Heat is what makes me feel weak." Perhaps it came from being born in the mountains, and in the middle of a storm.

Heat brought him back to the worst times. It weakened his body and muddled his senses, so that something could hit him wrong and knock him out of his life and into his memory.

"Hm. If you were a monster, I suppose you would be resistant to cold. I might find you in the Snow Ruins."

Kross instinctively ducked to hide his smile, only to feel Raguna push his hair back just enough to expose him.

"I wonder if I could tame Kross and take him home," Raguna teased.

"I'm sure you could. Heh. . . Would you want to?"

"Of course I would want to." Raguna leaned close enough to kiss the tip of Kross's nose. "I'll have to take very good care of my dear Kross in the summer."

Kross couldn't even try to hide the smile pulling at his mouth.

He didn't feel sick this time. He survived, even if his skin did flush red. He thought it was because he could breathe properly. He even let Raguna kiss his arm and chest with his skin still sensitive from the heat.

"I wanted to tell you, thanks to the extension you built I was able to buy a bigger bed from Lute. Now if you want to stay over again there's room for you."

Kross couldn't look at Raguna. He didn't want to think about the emotions working their way across his face.

Raguna didn't seem to mind. He slipped deftly in front of Kross, his smile deceptively innocent. "I just wanted to offer, so you know you're welcome any time."

Winter 16

Kross woke to the unfamiliar warmth of another person's body heat. Raguna was still sleeping beside him, his arm draped over Kross's waist.

Last night the snow had been falling hard enough for them to guess there would be a storm, but that wasn't what had convinced him to stay the night. The feeling of Raguna's arms around him had made a far better case.

The last thing Kross remembered from the night before was Raguna pulling the comforter up over his shoulders. It was cold, and it would be warmer with two. In spite of his feelings of trepidation, Kross had slept deeply at Raguna's side, lulled by the sound of the wind. His dreams had been no more than the dim grey shapes of ghosts.

Raguna finally stirred and touched a sleepy kiss to his cheek.

"I don't think we're going outside for a little while. What do you want to do today?"

Honestly, Kross wasn't sure he wanted to let go of Raguna at all. After another minute of cuddling he was thwarted by Raguna laughing and squirming free.

"Come on. I'm going to warm up some breakfast."

Apple pie for breakfast seemed extravagant to Kross, but Raguna insisted it was fine since this was their day off.

As Kross licked his finger and picked up the last stray flecks of crust from his plate he had a moment to think that this was his life now, settled as a farmer and a carpenter, and quietly eating breakfast with someone he loved. It wasn't something he might have imagined in any of the phases of his life that had come before. It wasn't something he would trade away for any of his old dreams, either.

"I actually wanted to send some with Brodik when he left, but of course I made too much. I think it's the only thing I gave him that he actually liked. Well, he was still annoyed, but I think that's just his habit now. But it made me think, if there's something you miss eating maybe I could . . ." They were sitting close together at the corner of the table, so it was easy for Raguna to reach over and touch his hand. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to push."

Kross had not expected to be shaken by such a small comment, but to have Raguna notice was a much bigger surprise.

"It's fine."

"I want to know more about you, but I don't even know what I want to ask. I don't know what you'd be willing to tell me. Maybe I shouldn't ask at all. Isn't it better if I wait until you can choose what you want to tell me?"

"What if I choose not to tell you anything?"

"That's your right. You wanted to start a new life here. Knowing the person you are now is more important to me."

"You're free to ask, although I might not answer," Kross sighed, taking a moment to steady himself. He had already let Raguna past his outer defenses. He still wasn't used to having someone so close.

"Why did you chose the name 'Kross?'" Raguna asked, probably thinking it was a question with an easy answer.

"The man who was named Kross also had dark hair and blue eyes," he told Raguna. "No one could have mistaken him for me, but we had that in common." When he had been struggling to think of a name to give Stella he had remembered Kross pointing to his eyes and saying, 'That's rare around here. I was the only one with blue eyes back home.' They were alike only by the vaguest description, but he had hoped that one common detail might be enough to convince God to pass over the deception.

There was no inherent connection between them that anyone outside would see. No one would ever link him back to another undistinguished corpse. There might not be anyone left alive who would remember Kross apart from him.

"Was he a friend of yours?"

"He was the kind of person that monsters liked. He was the one I told I wanted to leave and start a farm somewhere peaceful. He always wanted to find a place like that too. I promised I would build him a barn." Kross had been brash and pigheaded, but always dependable. Kross had laughed the loudest, both in joy and in grim determination. Kross had dreamed of a barn full of healthy monsters he raised himself, until that dream had been burned to ash along with everything else.

That Kross was long dead. Only his name was left behind, taken by the man who would never be Weber again.

"He sounds like a good person," Raguna murmured.

Kross watched Raguna reach towards him again and then pause. I wasn't until then that he realized he had gone tense. He couldn't seem to force himself to relax, to show Raguna that he was safe to touch. He had to resort to whispered words, "It's all right. You can touch me if you want."

Raguna still moved slowly, letting Kross track him every inch of the way until he lay his hand on Kross's arm. There was kindness and sympathy there Kross doubted he had it in him to fully understand. He wouldn't feel threatened by Raguna's hands, leaving aside moments when he was dizzy with heat sickness. These were the steady hands of a farmer. He saw them farming, tending, cooking, crafting. . . these were hands that encouraged plants and tamed monsters.

"I never saw you as a swordsman." That had been bothering him for some time. How could Brodik see Raguna as someone like Weber when he only held out his hands in kindness to neighbors and strangers? "I can't understand how Brodik could have picked you."

"I haven't seen you hold a sword since I met you," Raguna reminded him. "I'm not sure anyone else in the village has, either. I'm the only one who carries a sword around. It's not strange that he focused on me, is it?"

When Kross was silent, settling his world around this new realization, Raguna gave him a playful smile. "Or are you offended he mistook an amateur swordsman like me for you?"

"You fought well." Maybe Raguna's self-taught style wasn't perfect, but he had approached the fight seriously and worn Brodik down without injuring him.

Kross didn't think he had the right to say he had gone to that particular fight armed. Even though he had said he thought this was something that needed to be settled, he would not have watched it end with Raguna injured.

He didn't want to kill Brodik, even with the danger he presented, but somehow it was easier to place the mercy at Raguna's feet. He loved Raguna so deeply, and Raguna wouldn't want to see Brodik killed, so Kross had gone armed. A weapon charmed with Retornen couldn't seriously harm Brodik the way his raw strength would.

"How do you think of me?" Raguna asked. Kross had gone off in thought about who he might be for Raguna, and Raguna had to prompt him, "If you never saw me as a swordsman, how did you think of me?"

"Someone who tends. . ." they had a word for that here, didn't they? "Earthmate. Someone who tenderly raises crops and monsters. Everything good comes from your hands."

"That's a little embarrassing. Sometimes you think too highly of me."

Kross didn't believe that for a second, and Raguna's hand rubbing soothingly over his arm didn't change his mind.

"I see you the same way, Kross. Good things come from your hands. You're always building or farming. I'm glad you were able to come here and start your farm, and I'm glad I met you."

Kross didn't protest. He wanted it to be true.

Winter 17

The second time he woke in Raguna's arms it was still disorienting. He lay for a little while in the stillness that came with gentle snow, enjoying the simple feeling of being close to Raguna. Kross was happy to stay where he was until Raguna woke and stretched.

The simple routine of getting ready for the day was scattered with many more kisses than Kross had expected, but he wasn't complaining. He was willing to be tempted into an hour of shared affection.

"Would you come help me look after the monsters?" Raguna asked as they cleaned up from breakfast.

"I'm not sure I should. . ." He wouldn't want to upset Raguna's monsters for anything, but the last time hadn't they accepted his presence because Raguna was there?

"There are some new ones I'd like you to meet, if you have time. Please?"

Kross vowed to stay close to Raguna, and gave in to temptation.

They were greeted by one of the new barn inhabitants. Raguna sighed and went to pet the Blood Panther sitting in the middle of the front room. "Good morning, Beauty. I hope you stay inside with your friends sometimes." As the panther pushed her head into his hand like an affectionate kitten he told Kross, "She always comes out here to greet me, not just when I have a guest. She just phases sideways through the door to her room. At first I was worried she was too warm, but. . ."

"She's your guard monster. This is a good place for her to be."

"I know, but there's nothing to guard against right now."

Kross felt vindicated to know that Raguna was aware there had been something to guard against before. He had worried about that.

"She cares for you." Normally it would take a long time to gain the trust of such a powerful monster, and this one was older and scarred from past battles, but Raguna seemed to have completely won her over. He could relate.

Raguna smiled, sheepish but still happy. "Lets go in so you can meet everyone, okay?"

There were two Woolys now, curled up in one bundle of fuzz. Kross remembered how even with their large barn to spread out in the Woolys his mother raised would all fall asleep in a pile.

Most of the monsters perked up the moment Raguna entered the room. They didn't push or fight for his attention, but each oriented hopefully towards him to be brushed and fussed over. Kross stayed close and was sure not to make any sudden moves. A few of the new arrivals looked at him as if he was some strange new creature their human had found on a whim, not a frightening thing.

"Here, Kross. You can give Bossy her treat. She likes you."

She liked him at least enough to daintily take the treat from his hand and then shove her nose against his chest in search of more. Raguna's smaller Buffamoo, Fussy, leaned heavily against his side, having apparently decided he must have a treat for her as well. Kross petted both of them, scritching his fingers gently thought wiry manes.

He only turned to ask Raguna for another treat because Fussy was looking at him so tragically. He must have moved too suddenly or gotten too close. He didn't know. All he knew was that one of Raguna's monsters, a diminutive red dragon, suddenly shrieked and snapped at him.

Kross backed up as abruptly as he could while surrounded by monsters, some of which were already shying away from the startling disturbance.

In a moment Raguna was there between them, kneeling in front of his monster. It was in the middle of a threat display with no attention to spare for anyone but Kross, the enemy.

"Kross, are you hurt? Did he bite you?" Raguna looked back at him, eyes wide with shock.

Kross couldn't stay any longer. He retreated from the room, even as Raguna called after him to wait.

He knew Raguna wouldn't follow when his monsters needed him more. He knew it made him a coward to take advantage of that and run.

Kross almost forgot that there was a monster still in the entryway. As the door swung shut, cutting off Raguna's voice pleading for him not to go, Beauty phased sideways away from him in a cloud of smoke.

This put her directly between Kross and the front door.

Kross hardened his heart and took a step towards her, then another, expecting her to bolt away from him. He knew it would only prove he didn't belong near Raguna's monsters. Then he could leave and never return.

Not only did Beauty not flee from him, she sat down where she was. She was the picture of a perfect guard monster. It was as if she knew he would never be able to force her from her post.

"You're supposed to keep things like me out, not in." Did she understand that Raguna didn't want him to go? Or was she merely suspicious of his movements when he was unchaperoned? Shouldn't she be protecting Raguna and the others from him?

Kross stopped close enough to touch her, but he didn't dare do so.

"Why aren't you afraid of me?" Kross whispered, his voice stretched thin enough to break.

The next moment Raguna caught up to him.

"I'm so sorry, Kross. Are you hurt anywhere?"

There was a wound on his hand, barely more than a scratch and already closed up. Raguna found it and kissed it.

Kross retrieved his hand. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have come."

"No, it's not. It's because I only just tamed him. I thought he had settled in, but he must not have been ready to meet someone new. It's not your fault, Kross. I should have been more careful."

"This is normal. Monsters can't stand to be around me."

Beauty brushed by his leg on her way to shove herself against Raguna's knee in a demand for attention.

"That's not true. I've never seen them unhappy around you. I wouldn't have asked you to come if I thought it would upset them. You know that."

Kross shook his head. He knew Raguna would never do something cruel to his monsters and yet it couldn't be true. It must be a mistake. He could only whisper, "I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay, Kross. It's going to be okay."

Kross's eyes burned. He could barely breathe. Raguna was stroking his hair and his back and cooing reassurances over and over, and the next thing he knew he was on his knees, cradled against Raguna's chest.

This must be how it felt to be tamed, Kross thought distantly. It was like his heart had been emptied out and filled up again with an overwhelming certainty that he was loved.

"I'm here," Raguna was whispering. "What's wrong? What can I do to help?"

Kross didn't want to pull himself away from the quiet, meditative place he had fallen into. He heard Raguna fussing over the monster beside him, telling her what a good guard she was and brushing her head as she wiggled in delight. She was so close Kross could have laid a hand on her side. She didn't care how close Kross was while Raguna was there.

"I don't understand. Monsters have been afraid of me for so long. Why only yours. . . ?"

"Maybe it's only wild monsters, ones that aren't used to humans?"

"No. Francoise doesn't like having me around. It was always the same before. I was so used to it, I forgot how much it hurt."

"Oh, Kross."

"Is it because you love me? Is it because you tell them I'm safe?" He could read it in Raguna's body language that Raguna cared for him and trusted him. It was such a natural thing, he didn't think Raguna was even aware of what he was doing.

Raguna laughed softly. "I'm not sure. It would make me happy, though, for everyone to love you. I guess it's because I love you that I can't help thinking it must be you. You deserve to be loved."

Kross clung to Raguna's shoulders. He knew this wasn't a happiness he could find on his own, and yet he had felt it. It was real. Having one monster react badly to him finally drove home the fact that the others didn't.

"It's all because of you."

"Kross. . ."

"I thought I would never be close to monsters again, and you made it possible."

"Then I hope you'll come again. I'll put Scorch in a different room just to be safe. I want you to be able to visit. I can tell how much you love the monsters."

Kross nodded once. His head felt so heavy he needed to rest against Raguna's shoulder after that.

He could see the monsters again. With Raguna there, he truly believed that.

Winter 19 (Hotpot Convention)

Raguna understood by now that Kross didn't take part in the festivals. Instead of asking Kross to come with him, he pulled Kross into his warm barn to spend the morning surrounded by contented monsters. (He was deliberately working to see Kross and his monsters getting along now, and Kross might not be able to repay that but he had stopped resisting.)

When Raguna asked for something he had grown, if there was anything Kross could spare, he should have known Kross would have given him anything. Raguna had to promise that turnips for the communal hotpot and a kiss for himself were more than enough.

Kross was allowed to keep his comfortable routine and come home to find Raguna waiting. The kiss he had given that morning was returned. His small contribution was answered with a bowl of the stew that had been put together by the entire village.

"I don't think Tabatha would have let me leave without something for you," Raguna told him as he ate.

He knew the boiled egg was Raguna's contribution, but he found himself wondering which tastes represented a contribution from which villager. There was a hearty mix of fish and vegetables. Herbs he couldn't name mixed with sweet chunks of apple.

"It's an interesting mix, isn't it? You didn't get to see it put together, so I'm curious what you can taste." Raguna invited him to play along.

Kross did pause and try to untangle the taste in his mouth. Some rich almost-familiar flavor mixed in with the soup stock. "Chocolate?"

He had to be wrong. Raguna was laughing.

"I wouldn't have thought you could tell! It does have an interesting taste, doesn't it?"

"Lute?" Kross guessed.

"Nope! That was Erik's idea."

To please his friend, Kross assumed. That made it more complex. If people weren't putting in their own favorite foods (and so few of the villagers he knew anything about their likes or dislikes anyway), but were instead choosing something to please someone else. . .

"I think because someone told him chocolate cake is Lara's favorite."

This game required too much information Kross did not have access to. He decided to retire the field and focus on his dinner while Raguna shared bits of news. Kross found he didn't mind listening. Cinnamon had finally taken pity on Raguna and taught him how to fish through a hole in the frozen lake. Lute had finished his newest painting.

The stew was more enjoyable to taste as a whole, rather than trying to pick it apart. He didn't have to know every detail to appreciate it.

"I'm glad you get a chance to taste it too."

That was only possible because of Raguna, he thought. Except this wasn't just a gift from Raguna. No one had protested his absence from the festival, yet it seemed he was still accepted as a part of the village, if a distant one.

It was strange and familiar all at once. He had thought of himself as having lost any sense of community, yet the fragments were still there. He listened to Stella. He spoke to Erik at least once a season to buy seeds and to the other villagers perhaps once a year when they needed repairs. Strangely, he had gotten into the habit of exchanging a few stray words with Lara and Tabatha on holidays. It did not startle him so badly if someone greeted him when their paths crossed. He lived among people.

He saw Raguna every day. He wanted to see Raguna every day.

When he finished eating, Raguna's hand crept forward and fingers curled around his. "Kross?" he called softly.

Kross gripped his hand in return. "I was reminded of something, from where I grew up."

"Did your village have a winter festival like this?"

"No, not in winter. We couldn't know when we would be snowbound. It was in the first days of spring, when the ground finally thaws but it feels like so long to the first harvest."

Raguna listened quietly. Raguna's hand was warm in his.

"Almost every year the bridge would wash out with the spring thaw. It cut the village in half, and we would call to each other across the water, 'throw something over the river.'"

For a moment Kross could almost see the boy who would be standing on the other side. He remembered the leather pouch landing in his hands, and the proud voice calling, 'I saved those for you all winter!' He had roasted the handful of chestnuts in the embers of their fire. His little sisters had teased him mercilessly until he shared. Now it was almost like a story that had happened to someone else.

Raguna's hand was warm in his. Raguna was smiling at him. That was his lifeline back from a time he didn't belong in anymore.

He should say something to remind Raguna it was long past, to remind himself he couldn't go back now.

When he didn't say anything more, Raguna offered a few words. "I like hearing little things about you. Whenever you feel like sharing." The little things he shared. Not the things that had been forced out by circumstance. Not asking that Kross be cut open so his life could be read like the rings of a tree.

Kross let out a soft noise that wanted to be a laugh and didn't quite make it. He sometimes thought it would be better to lose all memory of his former life. The bad memories tried to choke him and the good ones ached in his bones, but for now he found he had a sense of peace.

This was also home. Weber's home was out of reach, but Kross had a place where he belonged.

Winter 21

Kross was the one who sent Raguna to look at the bookcase. He was building a wardrobe for Anette and suddenly decided he wanted to check his notes again. It didn't occur to him what might happen until he heard Raguna's startled voice.

"Huh? The bookcase moves."

Kross looked up to find Raguna holding the bookcase with one hand, looking up at the crack that revealed there was no solid wall behind it. Maybe Kross had failed to close it securely the last time he opened it.

"Raguna, you shouldn't pry into people's secrets like that. There are times when knowing what you shouldn't brings tremendous pain."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you by prying." Raguna took his hand back and turned away from the bookcase with Kross's notes.

Who would be in pain if Raguna found the truth? He could say he was warning Raguna away from whatever disappointment or fear might come, but he was the one who stood to truly lose something.

Raguna returned to where he had been watching Kross work and handed over the notes. Kross took them and lay them beside his hammer without a glance.

"Do you want to know?"

"I want to know," Raguna admitted, "But after everything that's happened lately, I want you to be able to choose what you tell me."

"If you only wait I may never tell you anything. Sometimes curiosity can make a person strong. I think you have the right to know." Kross didn't know if this would make him stronger, or Raguna. He could offer this secret up only to Raguna. He stood and went to push the bookcase aside before Raguna could say anything to stop him.

The room behind the bookcase was narrow. From the outside it simply looked like a part of his tool shed. There only needed to be enough room for one rack to hold Kross's collection of swords, spears, and shields.

He kept the room sealed most of the time, even before Brodik's stay in the village drove him to hide. To Kross's eyes it was easy to tell from the dust which sword had recently been taken from its place and returned again.

Raguna stepped inside. Kross could see how he studied everything, but when he looked around there was no judgement on his face, as if he did not yet understand.

"What is this?"

"Odd, huh? I came here to escape the constant fighting, but I've hidden these here. I. . . I'm a coward." He didn't know how to explain his fears, only that this was proof he had given in.

"No, you're not!" Raguna stepped out of the little room, turning his back on the weapons to face Kross properly. "All these weapons have Retornen cast on them, right? And I know Retornen is a magic created with the firm conviction not to hurt anyone. I can't consider someone who only has such weapons a coward."

"Raguna. . ." Kross let out a long sigh. He had expected pain rather than understanding, as he had every time Raguna saw a little more of him. He thought it was past time he learned to trust a little more. "You are a strange young man. You've managed to melt even my hardened heart. Thank you, Raguna. I won't hide anything anymore. I'll even leave this room open. That is a sign of the trust I have in you."

If he was going to trust Raguna, if Raguna said he wanted to know whatever Kross chose to tell him, then there was something that he would choose to tell Raguna now. Raguna knew something of his past and who he was now. It felt like this was the time to fill in the gap between the two.

"I think you may truly know who I am, and yet I have never told you what I am."

"What do you mean?"

"After my coming of age I joined the army. I was younger than you then, but I was strong and I was good with a sword." He had been sixteen and foolish, but to his village he was an adult and that was enough. "They wanted to make us stronger. Using magic as a weapon was seen as too unpredictable, but using that power to create a weapon was an honorable experiment. I don't know how many of us were selected, or how many survived. I was one of those sent out to be tested alongside ordinary soldiers."

"How many. . . Kross, what happened?"

How strange. He heard a fear in Raguna's voice that he had set aside a decade ago. There had been so many of them that no one took the time to tell them what would happen to them.

"I won't tell you what happened." In his mind that memory was still as the surface of the lake, but Kross knew if he touched it there would be something lurking underneath that he never wanted to see again. "I became stronger. Since then, monsters run away from me. They can sense what I am."

"What are you?" Raguna asked. He would have to, wouldn't he?

Kross made a noise that was a distant cousin to laughter. He had invited that question, but he didn't have the answer.

"I'm not human. I gained the strength of a monster, but I'm not a monster either. They gave us the things a weapon needs, not the things a monster needs. Yet I don't want to think of myself as a weapon. Sometimes I think I'm only trying to be human because I don't know what else to be."

"Kross-"

"I'm not human," Kross repeated. He had thought about this so many times. "Humans don't survive the things I have. Humans are fragile, so they cling close to other humans. I became something that wasn't fragile, so I was able to survive things no human could. To gain that, I must have lost something."

"Even if you say that, Kross. . ." Raguna obviously had to stop himself, to put aside whatever he wanted to say and start over. "Is that why you want to become more like a monster? You said you don't have the things a monster needs, but I think you would be a wonderful monster. I don't mean because you're strong. You show your feelings rather than saying them. You're loyal and dependable and honest. I think that's something wonderful about you."

"I'm not honest."

Raguna reached for Kross's hands and folded his own around them with the utmost care, as if Kross might startle like an untamed monster. "You don't have to tell me every detail to be honest. Being yourself is honesty. Even if there are things you don't want to tell me. . . Thank you for telling me this, Kross. Thank you for trusting me."

Kross thought he should have known that this would have been impossible to explain, and yet he tried again. "What if I tell you if you took one of those swords and cut me with it you could injure me? The magic on them harms me."

"But weapons like that aren't meant to harm people or monsters!" Raguna protested.

"Then what am I? I've looked for the answer. Kross was the one who realized it must be because I am both and I am neither. I am in between and so that magic cuts me apart."

"Kross, your friend who liked monsters," Raguna said softly.

He managed to nod. He felt the scar across his stomach, suddenly aching and tender as if it was new. It had hurt in a way cold steel had never hurt, like he was being torn away around the edges, but he had remained in this world. He had disdained carrying scars as a boy, but after that he had learned that scars meant he had survived.

The others had been fascinated by the sword that harmed no one but him. He remembered lying at his friend's side, barely able to breathe, hanging on to that familiar voice. 'That's a sword for hunting monsters. You're like a monster, Weber. I knew there was a reason I liked you.'

"It must have been an accident," Raguna said softly. "I promise I'll always be careful, since you've told me."

For a moment Kross didn't understand the earnest sympathy all over Raguna's face and the tears in the corners of his eyes, and then he did and that was worse. Raguna, empathetic and naive, imagined that perhaps his friend had injured him by accident. As if anyone would use such a weapon in battle without good reason.

"There was no accident. Someone simply realized I wasn't human."

"Oh, Kross."

"There's no need for sympathy. It was a long time ago and I bear him no ill will. He's dead and I'm alive."

"I'm so glad you're alive."

"That's right. I almost forget, sometimes, to be glad I'm alive. I'm glad I have you here to say selfish things like that."

He expected Raguan to protest it wasn't selfish to be glad for one life when so many others had been lost. He was plainly offended.

"I don't care if it's selfish! I'm sorry for all the bad things that happened to bring you here, but I'm still happy that you're here. I'm still happy I was able to meet you. I'm grateful for the good things that have happened."

Kross couldn't say anything. Maybe it was also selfish to be glad that Raguna had come to him when Raguna had first lost his home and his memories. He found he didn't care if it was selfish either.

"Even after you've told me all this, I don't know what to do. I can only say I love the person you have made of yourself."

"The person I have made of myself," Kross repeated. "I like the sound of that."

Raguna leaned close until their foreheads bumped together. His sigh sounded suspiciously like, "Love you," and that was more than enough.

Kross was only willing to let go of Raguna's hands so that he could pull Raguna into an embrace. He found he didn't want to let go. Raguna clung to him tightly, as if there was some chance of him going away.

His work would have to wait for another time.

Winter 22

Even with no crops to tend, Kross couldn't completely ignore his fields for the season. The winter wind blew in debris, mostly dead branches from the nearby forest, and each day he dutifully cleaned it away.

Raguna came to visit while he was sorting through the day's debris, separating what might be useful for his work from scraps that would go with the firewood.

Ever since Raguna had made the comment about running out of extensions he could ask for, Kross had been thinking about if there was something he could make as a gift. He was having difficulty thinking of anything Raguna might need. The wood he kept turning over in his hands was not inspiring a stroke of brilliance, and the sight of Raguna calling to him over his fence only inspired a happy flutter in his heart.

"Kross! Do you have a minute? I made something for you."

"Oh. Thank you." Kross couldn't imagine what it could be, but he was happy already.

Kross stepped in through his back door and Raguna through the front so they met in the middle of the main room.

Raguna avoided his eyes by digging in his pack, before shyly holding out a cat's tail. "I wanted to make one nice enough for you. I hope you like it."

I was not possible to imagine Raguna's gift being less than perfect. It was even soft to mimic natural fur.

"W-won't it be weird if I wear this. . . ?" He almost couldn't believe Raguna had remembered his wish for the accessory, the small hope this could bring him closer to being a monster. He felt paralyzed with mingled embarrassment and pleasure, but pleasure won. Before Raguna could change his mind, he rushed to say, "I was joking. Don't mind what I just said."

"I hope you will wear it, if it will make you happy. I think it suits you."

There might have been something more embarrassing that Raguna could have said, but Kross could not imagine what it would be.

He wasn't sure he felt more like a monster when he tried it on. Would a monster hesitate, searching for the right response to such clear kindness? Could a monster feel embarrassed and shy about its own happiness?

No matter how shy he felt, Kross was incredibly happy. He spent the rest of the afternoon with Raguna in his arms, offering him endless kisses. Raguna ran fingers through his hair, always careful not to dislodge the cat ears he'd convinced Kross to put on as part of a set.

Monster or not, Kross's feelings were strong and clear. He loved and was loved in return. He couldn't ask for more than that.

Winter 24 (Night of Holies)

Kross waited a few steps inside the forest. Snowflakes fell soft and steady and stuck in his hair. The time when he might have been surprised that Raguna had asked him on a date was long gone. Of course he had accepted.

Before he had time to get lost in his own thoughts there was the sound of Raguna's hurrying footsteps, slightly muffled by fresh snow. He put on an extra bust of speed when he saw Kross waiting for him, and slid to a clumsy stop so that Kross put a hand on his arm to catch him.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting."

"I don't mind."

Raguna laughed at that. "I would have come earlier if I'd known you were here already. It's a beautiful night."

"I always loved winter nights like this," Kross agreed. He was quiet enough that Raguna could have pretended not to hear when he added, "I'd like to walk with you."

They walked away from the deserted road and into the forest. Raguna took his hand and laughed when he said Kross's fingers were like ice, but didn't let go. His hand was warm, and Kross felt an urge to kiss it.

The trees were mantled in snow and silence. They might have been the only two people in the world, with all else sleeping under the snow and waiting for spring.

When they came to a clearing with a beautiful forest giant and paused, Kross found himself whispering words that he had shaped very lovingly in his head and never intended to say.

"On these quiet winter nights I always feel as if I'm alone in the world. Now I'm glad to be here with you instead."

"I'm glad too. It feels like we're in a dream."

It wasn't the sort of dream Kross knew. This was a little like the peaceful bliss when there were no dreams.

"I want to give you something."

Raguna let go of his hand, and then he was suddenly offering a bouquet of blue roses. There were other flowers tangled in among them, but the scent of roses seemed to overpower everything else, even thought.

Kross thanked Raguna automatically, not knowing what other words to use. He was momentarily trapped by the weight of flowers in his hands, or the weight of the feelings associated with them.

"I love you. Will you marry me?"

Kross grunted as if the gift had come with a punch in the gut. This was not something Raguna could ask of him. If Raguna had only thought about it first.

"You haven't thought about what this means. I'll pretend we didn't have this talk. You shouldn't do anything at all if you're not sure what to do."

"But I am sure, Kross. I love you." Raguna's expression became earnest in his distress. "You know I love you, right?"

"If you tell me that then I'll believe you. However, I can't marry you. I can't put myself in your home and live as your husband."

"I don't understand. If you don't want to that's one thing, but there's no reason you can't."

For a long moment Kross was silent except for a sigh that disappeared into the cold air. He couldn't mesh his life with Raguna's, not so completely or so suddenly. He couldn't leave his home or his field now. He knew if he said that Raguna would offer up anything to take the place of whatever he left behind, but he still needed the space he had made for himself.

Maybe someday, he told himself. Maybe when he learned to take love for granted again. Maybe never.

"I suppose I'm too afraid to tell you I don't want to."

"I'm sorry, Kross. I didn't mean to make you unhappy."

When he gave the bouquet back Kross realized that his grip had broken the tough baleen serving as its backbone, ruining it. He had thought he would accept any token of Raguna's feelings, but he couldn't accept this.

"You haven't made me unhappy. If the stream between our homes ever rises, I'll accept. No. If that happens I'll beg you to marry me."

"The way you say that makes it sound like something that will never happen," Raguna said. He had to make an obvious effort to blink back tears.

"It hasn't happened yet," Kross confirmed. "Thank you for inviting me."

"Of course, Kross. I. . . thank you for joining me," Raguna said softly. Kross could tell there was more he would like to say, but he only moved to kiss Kross goodnight.

He wouldn't understand Kross's meaning, and Kross couldn't explain. If there was anything that he feared would cut him off from Raguna he might have accepted in desperation, and that would be bad for both of them. Right now he was free to say what he needed to. He was grateful for that, and grateful to Raguna for accepting his answer.

Winter 25

Raguna was waiting outside his door the next morning. He was hiding something behind his back.

"Good morning, Kross. I want to give you something, but first please promise me you won't eat it."

"If you want," Kross answered hoarsely.

Raguna drew a blue rose from behind his back. Not a bouquet this time, but a single flower with a rich scent.

"When I grew these I was reminded of that song you shared with me, about wanting to find a lovely monster that you could tuck a rose in its fluffy fur. Is this all right?" Raguna asked.

"Ah." Kross couldn't seem to keep his mouth from pulling into an awkward smile. If he reminded Raguna of that type of monster after everything, that was a wonderful feeling. "Thank you. I will treasure it."

Raguna moved to tuck the rose in his hair. Kross realized the thorns had been trimmed away so they wouldn't scratch his scalp.

"I want to be with you, Kross. I wanted another chance to tell you. You don't have to marry me or move in with me, but I still want to make that promise to you. Sometimes I worry you don't believe how much I love you. I never want you to have to doubt my feelings for you."

"I don't doubt you." Raguna was kind and straightforward. Kross had known that from the first. If Raguna confessed to loving him he had to believe it.

Kross reached up to touch the rose. Raguna's hand was still there, fingers tangled in his hair, and so Kross lay his hand over Raguna's.

"You know I can't give you the love you deserve. You deserve better." Sometimes he felt like he was reaching out, wanting to give everything and not knowing how. How much of that was how he had been changed and how much was the scars life had left on him? Did it even matter, if he couldn't offer his love properly?

"I don't want 'better.' I want you. I won't let you say you're somehow less than I deserve when you're everything to me. I just want us to be part of each other's lives. If I just say I want to see you every day, and to be with you through good times and bad, can you tell me if you want that too?"

"I do."

There was a part of Kross that wanted Raguna to be happy and a part that wanted to hold him forever and they overlapped so much it seemed to be all one whole. He let go of Raguna's hand so he could fold Raguna into his arms.

It took Kross a moment to realize that what had passed between them sounded very much like a vow. He wasn't sure if it was intentional. Raguna seemed to be content just being held.

"Then, in good times and bad, do you want to be with me from now on?" he asked, voice hoarse and soft, although he already knew the answer.

"I do," Raguna answered without hesitation. He snuggled against Kross and it took another few seconds for him to open his eyes again and look up at Kross in surprise.

Kross smiled and ducked his head sheepishly. Raguna had started it, after all.

"May I kiss you now?"

"Yes."

Raguna was free to kiss Kross as much as he wanted. He seemed to know, perhaps taking the hint from the way Kross cupped his cheek and pressed closer. Raguna kissed him and laughed breathlessly and kissed him again.

Even if he could never bring himself to say wedding vows before God and Stella, Kross would never forget the vow that he had given to Raguna.

Winter 27

The days when it snowed seemed to make the world muffled and silent. Kross sometimes felt his senses numbed, a soft blanket of memory draped over him. Cold memories were distant glimpses of childhood and home. They made him want to curl up and sleep.

Maybe it was those safe memories wrapped in stillness that made him speak up when Stella politely bid him good morning.

"I stole my name. There was a man named Kross, and I took his name when I needed one to give you," he said softly, then let out a sigh, because what good would it do to confess that? His head ached, but the heat couldn't get through the cold, soft blanket of snow.

"Kross," Stella said, kind but firm. "Do you think he would begrudge you using his name if he were here?"

Kross knew if he were here he would have understood. If he were here he also would have said they can't both have the same name. He would have found a new one, for a new life. Kross tried to explain this. The Kross who was gone had been good at naming monsters.

"Do you want to tell me about him?"

"He had dark hair and blue eyes. Heh. We didn't look a thing like each other. He wasn't a fighter. He tamed monsters." Kross left a moment of silence for all of the things he didn't know how to describe. "He was my friend."

Stella nodded solemnly. Even from his few ragged words she seemed to understand the dizzying lightness of loss.

There were suddenly too many things to say. Words got caught in a jumble in his throat and came out in a noise that sounded like tears.

"Kross," Stella called him. "Come here, and we'll talk as much as you need to."

She beckoned him to sit on the first pew and sat beside him, instead of calling to each other as preacher and devotee. The distance seemed much smaller to send feeble words across, but for a moment Kross still couldn't speak.

"Know I do not expect you to explain yourself. I know the man you have been in the years you've lived here, and that man belongs here as part of this community. You are free to share your burden with me as you choose."

Kross let out a long breath. His throat cleared, but the words were gone again.

"It sounds like you are honoring your friend's memory by taking his name. Does it feel that way?"

The things he still wanted to change could not be changed. Kross had spent many sleepless hours untangling the mess of himself. He could not change what he was, only who, and he was not always sure how well he had done at that. But his name was part of the life he lived now. It felt more like belonging than mourning.

"I would remember him anyway. I think. . . I fear I'm the only one who remembers him now. His village was gone and everyone from back then is dead now. I'm the only one left."

"Kross-"

"When I found him," he interrupted, because remembering Kross also meant remembering losing him. "When I found him burned. . . That was the only time I killed in anger," he whispered, as if that meant something. As if that meant more or less than doing what he was ordered to do, what he was made to do.

Kross dropped his head. The air was sharp in his lungs. Strange, when the church didn't seem cold. Perhaps it was the audible intake of breath from Stella. She wouldn't want to hear that any more than he wanted to think about it, but there it was.

"His monsters were crying. I sent them back to the Forest so they wouldn't have to fight anymore." It had been hard. It had been cruel to get so close when they were so afraid of him, but it was the only thing he could do for them. They had been grieving just as much as him.

"Kross," Stella called again.

He didn't want to look at her, but when she held out a hand he could look at that. It was just as much part of her identity as her face, with round palms and thick-jointed fingers. Something deep inside his core was shaking, though he hadn't been cold enough to shiver in a long time. This wasn't like being trapped in a heat haze and halfway back. Memory stretched like a tunnel, with distant thoughts shockingly sharp and clear.

"You came out of that, didn't you? You left and came to make a life here. Would you like to tell me how that happened?" Stella gave him a comfortable silence to speak into, waiting for him to find the words. When he didn't she added, "I think you need to walk away from this for now. Tell me how you did that before."

'Walk away' triggered something in Kross's brain. "There was a boy." He closed his eyes and then snapped them open again when that was too close. He could never have come near this in summer. He could almost smell scorched flesh as it was. No one had been safe from that indiscriminate fire. Kross tried to focus on one small point. Harsh breathing in the silence. A boy shielded under his fallen comrades.

"I think he was fifteen. Not much younger than I was when I enlisted, but he seemed so young." Kross could see him, with the gangling limbs of a teen not yet grown into himself. He had seemed so small and so vulnerably human. "He couldn't stand because of the wounds on his legs, but he was alive. I found him. He was the enemy. I bound up his wounds. I carried him."

Now Kross could close his eyes. He could see the countryside, still dry and dusty in the drought, but not ripped up and trampled and burned to death. "He was a good boy. He asked my name, and talked to me, even though he was in pain." He could almost hear the boy who had insisted on using his name over and over, as if they both needed reminding he was close enough to human to have one.

"I carried him until we were deep enough past the border to find a place that would care for him. I kept walking. I never looked back."

"And you found your way here," Stella finished for him.

And now he was here, Kross added in his own head. He had walked away, even if it was far too late. He had walked away.

"How do you feel, Kross?"

"My chest is light." He didn't know what that meant. There was a place inside of him that suddenly felt bird-bone-hollow. It wasn't enough to fly, but it was freeing.

Stella offered her hand again, and this time Kross laid his in her palm. Her skin was cool and soft. He remembered how she had saved him when he collapsed outside her village. She was the one who had given him his hoe so he could farm. In a way, to him, she was something like family. In another way she was something like a saint.

"The weight of memories can be exhausting to go through. Give yourself permission to rest," she instructed. It had the tone of one of her lectures, but more gentle.

"I think I would rather leave memories where they are." If only his mind would let him. If only he could sink them in the lake like rocks.

"That is your choice. Remember, I will still be here if you feel you need to talk. Next time maybe I can help you tread more carefully."

Kross didn't answer. He didn't think he needed to. Now the dam had been cracked, he didn't think he would live long enough to outlast the press of memory if she didn't expressly forbid him from talking about it. Words would come again some time, as they had started to slip out when he was with Raguna, but for now he had drained out enough words to felt light. He felt that he could wear the name he had taken, and that was enough to give him peace.

That night he slept as deeply as he would have under the sound of falling rain.

Winter 28

Raguna had slowly introduced him to most of the monsters living in his barn. Everyone seemed to be living happily, and Raguna had expressed his thanks more than once that the barn kept the monsters, especially the heat-loving ones, safe and warm even in winter storms. He was so pleased with his barn that Kross had thought perhaps this could be the answer to his wish to give Raguna some sort of gift.

Beauty was there at the door. She seemed to remember him, because she gave him no more than a perfunctory sniff before deciding he passed security.

Raguna had given up on trying to get her to stay in one of the rooms, so long as she stayed within the barn itself. Kross's first gift was for her, a modification to the entryway so she had her own sleeping perch.

The big muck, another new monster, got a corner where the earthen floor was dug out just enough to be damp and comfortable. The Buffamoos got a post mostly made up of a section of a downed tree with rough bark still in place. Once they realized it was there for them to scratch themselves on there was a good deal of snorting and shoving to decide who got the first turn. Raguna stayed well back, laughing.

Many of the monsters he couldn't give anything special. What they wanted most was spring and the chance to go outside again. For the ones he could he built all the little upgrades he could think of, drawing on everything he could remember about their likes and their natural habitats.

He saved the Woolys for last. For them he made a low, loose box to gather hay and soft bits of cloth into a nest they could curl up in after being sheered. He had made something similar when he was young, one of the first things he had made on his own. He watched as they investigated and found the bed was soft enough to burrow into.

One butted its head against his hand before it subsided with a squeaky noise of contentment. For just a moment Kross couldn't breathe with happiness.

"They like you," Raguna told him, fondness clear in his voice.

"My mother raised Woolys. When I was a boy I used to sneak into the barn to be with them." It was a happy memory, and the loss ached in his bones. He had missed their company very much.

And now here he was again, surrounded by the familiar smells and sounds. He kept himself alert for the slightest signs of distress, but Raguna's monsters weren't frightened of him. If anything, they seemed to be growing accustomed to his presence.

One of Raguna's Buffamoos suddenly nosed at his back, knocking him off-balance.

"Bossy, stop that," Raguna scolded. He moved to keep her from attempting to nibble Kross's hair and petted her nose gently. "Be nice to Kross."

"I don't mind."

"I know. You're always so kind to them. Thank you, Kross, for doing this. Everything you've made it so beautiful. I can already see how much they love your improvements."

"You've given me so much more."

"Stop that. It's not a contest." Raguna was obviously doing his best to give Kross a stern look. Within seconds it dissolved again as he affectionately smoothed Kross's hair down. "Besides, this is the most wonderful thing. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Raguna kissed his hair and then his cheek, and Kross could tell that was another way of whispering 'thank you.' Kross could only answer by tuning to offer another kiss back.

"I was going to let some of them out to play in the snow. Will you come with us?"

Kross didn't have it in him to refuse.

Winter 30 (Year End Festival)

The last day of the year unfolded peacefully. Kross was grateful for the moment to stop and appreciate that they had all survived the year.

He had Raguna with him. Both of them had cleaned out their fields as best they could before the ground properly thawed. Now they had time to simply be together. Kross was sorely tempted to stay there all night if Raguna would have him. He was throughly trapped by Raguna playing with his hair, and there was nowhere he would rather be.

Outside the last snow of the year was falling as if it meant to bury the world too deeply for spring to thaw out. It was nothing compared to the winter storms in the mountains where Kross had been born.

Kross disturbed the silence to ask, "Do you celebrate your birthday?"

"I can't. I don't remember when it is."

That was the answer Kross had expected. He was only thinking of it because today happened to stir up a memory. Every year his mother had mock-scolded him because he couldn't wait until spring to be born.

"You should have one."

Raguna's hand stilled for a moment, and when he went back to petting Kross's hair the touch was slower and softer.

Kross wanted to offer that Raguna take his birthday. He would happily offer any parts of himself if they would compensate for anything Raguna might have forgotten.

Would he be offering bad luck to Raguna? They said children born during storms could never settle down.

"What about tomorrow?" Raguna suggested after some thought. "That was the day Mist first gave me my name. I think that makes as much sense as anything."

"It suits you."

The cold had never troubled Kross, but even he loved the first gentle warmth of spring.