Maya's secret is out, and Claudine has vowed to be with her until the end.
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 7. You're Beautiful
From that day forward, Maya and Claudine are girlfriends.
Though, given the circumstances, they don't tell anyone else. Maya knows her parents and doctors would only chide her for thinking about something as foolish as high school romance in such a dire time, and Claudine knows that telling her classmates that she is dating her partner who is dying of cancer would only bring massive amounts of unwanted attention. She doesn't even tell anyone that she knows where Maya is, let alone that she is dating her.
Claudine keeps the burden of those secrets to herself when she is at school, and plays the part of the hurt, confused classmate who has no idea where Maya is or why she left them. But instead of practicing after school every day like she used to, she leaves campus to head for the hospital instead, and spends her afternoons with Maya.
She attends the hospital as a visitor, not a volunteer, so she does not have any working obligations. But, of course, she still makes certain to visit the other children and play with them and sing to them, usually if Maya is unavailable due to needing injections or routine checkups.
But whenever Maya is free to have visitors, Claudine spends her time telling Maya about whatever new dances or songs they are learning in school, what plays they are reading, what their friends are up to. She'd checked with the staff about bringing in food, and once they'd approved certain things, Claudine manages to bring Maya one of Nana's banana nut muffins one day, then a piece of kitsch another day, and then baumkuchen the next.
And for the first week or so, Maya would light up at the sight of Claudine and her treats, then graciously indulge herself in the sweets.
But then one day, Claudine notes that Maya thanks her for the muffin, but doesn't eat it. She claims she isn't hungry, at the moment, and that she'll save it for later.
But she doesn't eat the next day's treat either, or the one after that.
And Claudine had been trying to fool herself for as long as possible, but she knows the painful truth.
Soon, Maya isn't able to keep her food down.
Several times when Claudine is there, Maya becomes ill and needs to be brought into the bathroom to vomit. She starts taking painkillers and supplement pills, which become her only source of nutrition.
Within the course of only a few weeks, Claudine watches her wither.
The strong, proud, confident, beautiful Tendo Maya, who always strutted through Seishou's halls like she owned the place, who always dazzled the audience from beneath the spotlight, who had been the fastest, most poised, most graceful girl in the entire school…
Little by little, she loses all her muscle, to the point where she can't even get out of bed or stand on her own anymore. Since she could no longer keep down food, she would drink her supplements in smoothies that were intended for patients like her.
And she drank them all.
There had been a time where Maya had promised herself she wouldn't. That she saw no point in prolonging her life. That she would have rather just died sooner.
But now… now she has someone to keep fighting for. To keep living for. For as long as her body would last.
She tries.
Tendo Maya tries her damndest to stay alive just one more day, so she may see her girlfriend's beautiful face one last time…
At the very least, she'd been able to kiss her and hug her, and fall asleep on her shoulder.
And once she'd grown too tired to try and reach up to hug Claudine, Claudine always leaned down to hug her instead.
Claudine will be starring in Seishou's next big play by the end of the week. Maya wants to hear all about it…
But soon, the painkillers stop working. The supplement drinks stop staying down. The injections stop numbing the pain.
That evening, Maya squirms and struggles through the night, feeling every ache in each of her bones, every pang of each beat of her heart, every organ and muscle as they flounder to keep functioning.
She doesn't sleep that night. At first, it's because she simply can't due to the pain.
But then, it's because she doesn't let herself. Because she fears if she falls asleep again, she won't wake up this time.
All throughout the next day, she lays in her bed, feeling every twinge of pain, counting every second as it comes and goes and leaves her behind.
Outside her window, a light flurry has begun to fall. She hopes it turns into harder snow, enough to prevent travel. She hopes Claudine doesn't come today…
The minutes drag. Each one more painful and more miserable than the last.
Maya can feel herself dying. Even the doctors have stopped coming in to give her the injections or trying to make her drink her pills.
Everyone knew.
The snow continues falling all day long, and even though the heat in her room is working perfectly fine, Maya shivers.
She can't get warm. Everything hurts.
She makes sure to think of Claudine. To remember the brief, but beautiful time they had spent together.
I'm sorry…
She can feel the stinging sensation that used to mean tears, but her body is too weak and dehydrated to produce them anymore. Maya is reduced to feeble dry sobs, alone in her cold hospital room.
There'd been a time when she'd hoped Claudine and all the others would simply forget her. When Maya wanted to be a beautiful memory to them all that they would soon forget in time.
But now, as she lies on her death bed, she changes her mind.
Please don't forget me…
She doesn't want to die. She wants to live.
She wants to become a second-year together with her friends.
She wants to continue performing with them.
She wants to know the secrets of that giraffe's mysterious stage.
She wants to have more nights staying up watching movies and eating snacks and falling asleep on the floor.
She wants to graduate with them, see where their lives take them, what paths they would all choose.
She wants to do so many more things than she ever knew she cared to do.
But she realizes it too late, when she can do nothing but lie there and imagine what could have been.
Maya feels sleep coming at long last…
But then, she hears the creak of the door opening, and the shuffle of boots stepping in. It takes her great effort to lift her eyelids again, but she's glad she does, because an angel is standing there before her. A bundled-up, messy-haired, snow-covered angel.
"Ahhh!" Claudine sighs. "I made it! The roads are closed down and the buses aren't running, but I still am!" She shakes herself off to make sure she doesn't trail any snow over to Maya's bed, then removes her coat and hangs it on the back of the door. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had some things to prepare."
She has a bag in her hands, and when she approaches, she presents Maya with a small cat plushie. "Here. She can keep you company while I'm performing on Friday. I'll be here afterward to tell you all about it, though." Claudine leans down to leave a gentle kiss on Maya's forehead. Maya has become so frail over the last few days that she doesn't like the idea of kissing her lips and putting any kind of strain on her breathing.
Maya - who had been on the verge of accepting sleep - perks up at the feeling of her girlfriend's soft lips on her skin. Her fingers twitch around the plushie Claudine had placed in her hands, and Maya registers the feeling of the downy faux fur. She blinks, looking up at Claudine with all the affection in the world.
"So it isn't a dream…"
Claudine takes the bedside chair and sits down, tossing her snow-damp hair back over her shoulder.
"Maybe there was a time when all you could hope to do was dream of me kissing you. But no, it's still real."
Maya gives a weak, but genuine chuckle.
"Thank goodness."
Claudine smiles, reaching out to rest her hands over Maya's as she begins telling her about her day.
Claudine speaks and goes about things as she always does. As if she doesn't know that Maya's health has already taken a turn for the worse.
She knows that. She knows Maya is in bad shape, and that she won't ever get better from here.
She knows she doesn't have much time left.
She knows Maya is dying.
But she pretends she doesn't know that - for Maya's sake, at least for now.
Claudine had tried to fool herself already, but as soon as she was alone in her bed at night, she smothered her screaming sobs into her pillow. She cursed the gods, and then prayed to them, begging to have Maya for just one more day, just one more day…
Any day now, any night, would be Maya's last.
Claudine just can't stand the thought of not being there, that Maya might pass on when Claudine was in class or in her performance.
When class rankings had been released last week, she had found no pleasure in seeing her name at the #1 spot when Maya's was nowhere to be found. Seishou had already moved on and forgotten about her. Would Maya's parents even disclose news about her funeral? Would any of Claudine's classmates know, or be able to come? Would anyone know to mourn her or miss her…?
The thoughts plague Claudine as she babbles on about some silly comment Karen had made in class today. She doesn't realize she'd started to cry until she hears a rasp of a voice.
"Claudine…"
She looks up past the blur of tears, and finds the most painful sadness in Maya's eyes. Claudine sniffles and quickly wipes off her face. She can't be showing this side of herself to her right now, because she knows nothing makes Maya more upset than seeing Claudine cry.
"Sorry-" Claudine chokes. "I'm-"
"Beautiful," Maya finishes for her. "You're beautiful, Claudine."
"Mechante va…" Claudine folds herself forward and gently wraps her arms around Maya. Maya no longer has the strength to return the embrace, so she simply lies there, relishing Claudine's warmth, her scent, her presence.
For the remainder of visiting hours, they stay like that. Quiet. Close. Lost in thoughts of how unfair it all is, while just feeling each other's warmth.
It goes too quickly, and then it's suddenly time for Claudine to leave. She eases herself away, but not without leaving several more kisses on Maya's face.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
Maya's chest aches terribly, but holding the little cat against herself gives the illusion that it lessens the agony a little.
"Claudine… I don't think-"
"I'll see you tomorrow," Claudine says more firmly. "That's a promise."
Maya holds her gaze, reading all of the unspoken things in her eyes. In the end, Maya just can't win against her.
"Very well. I promise."
Claudine exhales, willing herself to believe in that vow.
Maya watches her turn and exit the room, where a trail of wet droplets follows behind her.
It was probably just the snow.
A faint white light seeps into Maya's vision.
It's a dull sort of glow, a dusty illumination.
She can't tell if she's opened her eyes or not.
Just for a brief second, she feels no more pain.
She can't move, but some part of her still feels like she can follow that path of the light.
She wills herself to go.
But if it truly is heaven, Claudine would've been there by now. She would be there with arms open wide, bright eyes, and a warm smile.
No. Maya can't go yet. Any place without Claudine isn't paradise for her.
With the remaining strength of her consciousness, Maya pulls herself away and rejects the light.
But still it surrounds her. Beckoning. Coaxing.
It isn't cruel. It doesn't force her.
But she hasn't chosen it just yet. She still chooses the suffering of life. She still chooses Claudine.
When she's fully aware of herself again, Maya can feel the weight of her eyelids as she lifts them. A dim glow of light wafts up from the white floor, walls, and ceiling of her hospital room.
She isn't facing the window, but over the past several weeks of being confined here, she'd learned to read the ways of how the sunlight came through her window behind her. She can tell without looking there directly that the world outside is blanketed in snow, and that the sky is thick with whiteness.
As soon as she remembers she is awake, her body begins to shiver. That's about all she can manage at this point, confined to her death bed. She can't so much as twitch her fingers or turn her head. It takes great effort just to breathe.
As she shudders, little jolts and twinges of pain shoot through every muscle, every vein, every bone. She isn't certain how long she lays there for. It could have been a few minutes that simply dragged like hours. Or it could have been the entire morning.
Either way, she lapses in and out of consciousness while her mind plays tidbits of memories of the life she'd never be able to finish living.
She's hardly even aware of it at all when the nurses come in and start murmuring various things. At first Maya doesn't pay them any mind. She knows nothing they say or do will save her, only make the pain last longer. Maya doesn't want that. While she may not be ready to die, the ache of living just a second longer has become so agonizing that she would accept death when it comes without a fight. Not willingly, but out of necessity.
But when Maya feels hands all around her, she is brought back into herself at the current moment.
The nurses and doctors work together to lift her up out of bed, and instead sit her in a wheelchair.
It's painfully discombobulating to be set upright. Maya's entire view changes, which causes her head to pound. She tries to ask them what's going on, but only partial mumbles and fragments of words come out. She is turned away from her bed and the little cat Claudine had given to her.
As they wheel her out of her room, she gathers they are taking her to an emergency room for more injections. She wants to tell them no. She wants to beg them not to bother, not to prolong it any further. The nurses speak kindly to her and offer whatever comforts they can provide.
But all Maya hears is a droning in her skull, and all she feels are more and more aching shivers.
She is only vaguely aware of what happens from there.
She can hear all the usual mutterings of the staff and beeping of the machines.
She can smell the stench of medicine and buzzing electricity.
She can feel the pricks of pain as more shots go into her veins.
It feels as though she's subjected to this for days on end. She can't find the strength or voice to ask them to stop, to just let her go.
After what surely must have been hours, she's loaded back into her wheelchair and pushed back down the hallway toward her room. Her vision is still bleary, but she can see several people gathered there outside her door.
She recognizes her parents immediately. But to her delight and dismay, she also recognizes the third person as well.
Claudine is dressed in casual clothes, with no winter coat or scarf to be seen, suggesting she hadn't only arrived here just now. When Maya is pushed near enough, her three guests turn to her, but Maya only has eyes for one of them.
"Bonjour, Maya." Claudine speaks, and her voice is so clear and sweet in the jumble of noise that has been plaguing Maya's mind until now. She tries to smile, though she can't be sure if it works.
"Claudine…"
Relief. Sorrow. Sadness. That's all her voice is made of when the breath comes out of her mouth, but she's proud that she'd managed to give Claudine's name sound one more time.
Claudine goes to her, dropping gently to her knees in front of Maya while taking her hands. It's the only true warmth Maya's ever known. Even now, when all she can feel is cold, she knows Claudine's warmth is blessing her, even if Maya can't feel it anymore.
For a moment, the two girls lock eyes, and the rest of the world falls away. Maya has so much more she still wants to say to her. She could tell Claudine things for years and years to come, never stop speaking to her for decades on end, and it still wouldn't suffice.
But Maya knows she'll never be able to do that. Her body had stopped being able to produce tears days ago, but she can still feel the sting of them rise up behind her eyes.
Claudine is so beautiful. Though her eyes are shining with the same pure and gentle affections, there is an awful, debilitating torment behind them. She's doing her best for Maya's sake not to let that show, not to let the tremor leak into her voice, not to let the tears come. Maya knows Claudine is putting in painstaking efforts not to break down in front of her.
After a moment that is theirs alone, Claudine lays Maya's hands back in her lap and gets up again to address the doctors.
"Thank you," she says. "That was just enough time you kept her for. We're all finished in here."
Behind her, Maya's mother and father nod in confirmation.
And after so many days of feeling nothing but agony, Maya is washed through with something new for a change, something she'd almost forgotten she could feel. Confusion, curiosity.
Claudine comes close to her now, and the nurse who had been pushing the wheelchair leaves Maya in Claudine's hands. Maya catches the faintest hint of her scent from above herself now as Claudine's sweet voice rains down on her.
"Your parents agreed to help me out with this. And the doctors agreed to keep you out of the room for a little while."
After Maya has come so close to dancing with death these past few days and nights, she hadn't considered the fact that she was still able to feel anything other than feeble acceptance of her fate at this point.
But the sight of Claudine here unexpectedly had proven her wrong, as does the tiny trill of excitement bred by whatever it is she had planned for Maya. She'd long-since forgotten what it felt like to be excited, but Claudine manages to give her that as well.
Maya's mother opens the door, and Claudine slowly wheels Maya in.
Spring. It's the only way Maya can describe it.
Everywhere she looks, flowers of all types, shapes, and sizes are bursting and blossoming. Larger pots overflowing with massive green leaves decorate the corners of the room, vases sporting blossoms of every color are littered across the tables and sturdier surfaces, smaller pots of tiny buds dapple the spaces in between.
A sweetly wild aroma wreathes through the air, igniting a sense of nostalgia within Maya that she can't quite explain.
Everywhere, there are flowers.
Claudine brings her slowly through the miniature wonderland as Maya marvels at each and every petal. She can actually feel the heat in her room, as though it were the rays of the sun beaming down on her. Maya savors the moment, feeling the bittersweet pain in her heart as it swells with joy. From above her, her angel speaks.
"You always said you'd never see spring again. So I wanted to bring it to you."
Maya weeps. She has no tears to shed, but she weeps with her whole body.
Thank you…
The words never manage to form or reach her lips, but she trusts Claudine receives them.
From there, the doctors help Maya back into her bed to lie down. Her parents sit on one side of the bed, while Claudine sits at the other, holding Maya's hand and placing the plushie beside her.
From there, the doctors give an offer.
The injections they had given Maya just before all of this have already worn off. Maya's body was simply too ill to benefit from the effects of medicine anymore. She was too weak, and in too much pain.
So when they give her the option to end that pain now, Maya accepts.
It will be a single injection, and she'll simply fall asleep.
Maya's parents tearfully give their consent as well, being it's what their daughter has chosen.
And even though Claudine had known all along that Maya would agree to it, it still shatters her heart into pieces when she lives that moment for herself.
When Maya nods her head, Claudine's heart breaks, and it's as though she can feel every piece of the shards falling deep into her stomach.
Because she sees Maya's eyes in that moment. And what she sees past the pain is a surefire conviction and acceptance. Rather than risk wasting away all alone in the night, Maya chooses for her end to be now, surrounded by color and the people who love her.
Claudine had known she was going to choose this. But it doesn't make it any less devastating.
She tries her best not to cry as the doctors prepare the IV on Maya's arm. But with the look Maya is giving her, Claudine has no hope of holding back any longer.
The tears start dribbling, hot and weighted, burning streaks down her face. They plop onto Maya's thin, pale hand, which Claudine cradles with all the care in the world.
Don't go.
That's what she wants to say. More than anything, Claudine wants her to stay. Even if Maya was ready for this, Claudine wasn't. But Maya is ready now, truly and honestly ready, and Claudine saying such a thing would only conflict with her wishes. So Claudine just bows her head and weeps silently.
Maya's parents whisper their final words to her. They tell her how proud they are of her, how hard she worked, how brilliantly she shined on the stage she'd gotten to grace with her presence. Maya offers the smallest murmur of breath as a response. There aren't any words to it, but it's enough to let them know she loves them.
And then it's time.
Claudine raises her tearstained face, fighting back the sobs to no avail.
"Maya-" she chokes, hunching forward to press a small, trembling kiss to the back of her hand. "Maya-"
Whatever she'd been about to say. Whatever her broken heart had been about to let her confess, Claudine never gets there.
Because Maya smiles. The weakest, most genuine, most human smile ever.
For that split second, the pain is nowhere to be found. There is sadness, and there is regret.
But not pain.
And so too is there a heartfelt joy and a genuine happiness.
All this time, Maya had been storing up her strength to put it into her voice one final time.
"You're beautiful… Ma Claudine…"
The injection goes in, and Maya's eyes fall shut. Her hand, which had already been quite still in Claudine's hands, now slumps in a terrible, unmistakable limpness, void of any life at all.
Of all the anguish in that room, Claudine weeps hardest of all.
The scent of flowers had never been so sickening, and the chill of winter had never been so bitterly cold.
The sounds of weeping can be heard echoing all throughout the hallways that evening.
And then, the wheels of a gurney, and a quiet bundle of sheets is carried off into the night.
A/N: To watch the strong, arrogant, confident Tendo Maya go from the Top Star to a withering, feeble girl... a true tragedy fit for the stage...
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