Flashbacks are in italics.
First flashback is from Wash It All Away – Chapter 64: Did That Just Happen?
Hold on tight ladies and gentlemen. We're in for one huge Spashley rollercoaster ride as the two finally discuss heartaches & inner demons. Enjoy!
31 - Points Underneath
Ashley's PoV
"Are you sure you don't find this weird?" I asked Spencer as she set a tray down on the coffee table with hot apple cider.
"Um," she shrugged and sat on the chair across from me, "a little." She admitted with a small smile. "I wasn't expecting a phone call from you, let alone a request to come over."
I took a sip of my drink after blowing on it and cast my eyes towards hers. "I wouldn't have been offended if you said it wasn't okay, Spencer." I whispered. "Everything is so…"
"Surreal?" Spencer asked and I nodded. "Is everything okay?" She asked so sweetly, taking a bite of one of the many assorted crackers on a plate.
"No." I simply replied. "I mean, here I am so happy that I almost have Dylan back in my life, you know? But then there's the fact that she's become such a big part of your family with Lucas. I witnessed that within the matter of two hours I was here last night and I just feel like I'm intruding."
Spencer's gaze held mine a little before she cleared her throat and putting her mug down. "You're not an intruder," she licked her lips and took interest in her bookshelf before glancing back at me, "Dylan is your daughter Ashley and despite what happened, she belongs with you. I feel quite privileged to take care of her for you."
I melted at her warm smile.
How was she so calm about this?
"How are you so calm?" I frowned slightly. "I think about this and I have to run to the bathroom or the nearest bush and puke my guts out."
Whoa, way to be forward Davies.
Spencer frowned in concern. "Is that healthy?"
"Nerves." I whispered and played with my fingers. "I think I'm broken."
"Broken?" Spencer smiled and stood. Oh my, she was coming my way. I felt the couch sink slightly as she sat beside me. "Where are you broken?"
"Everywhere." I answered honestly.
"I'm calm," she whispered and her eyes traveled over my face and down my neck before they dragged themselves back up again, "because there's no use getting upset over something that's inevitable."
"Aren't you upset at all?" I asked, this time I was the one checking her out. She had a scar above her right eyebrow and I frowned slightly. It looked like it could've been deep enough for stitches but Spencer was too stubborn for stitches.
"Of course I am," she sat back and looked around her toasty warm living room, "this is hard for me, don't think it's not. I've got a daughter who's about to go on a rampage and I've never seen her this upset before that it's rather nerve-racking. We've got secrets being kept from us and from the one person we both thought we could trust," she sighed heavily, "and then I find out that the little girl I'm taking care of is none other than Ashley Davies daughter."
I stared at her because for the first time in years, I was witnessing an emotional breakdown in the blonde. She had a very strong shield built to mask her feelings but she looked like she was about to lose it.
"I'm not saying my life was hard after you," she finally let a tear fall, "but God it was almost unbearable when I realized that you were never coming back."
"But I did!" I sat up and looked at her. "I did Spencer and I told Alex to tell you I stopped by."
"Well I didn't get the message," she stood up and began to clear the tray off the table, "but I did get a post card that you sent to the whole family while I was away at school."
"Spencer, that's not fair." I choked out and followed her into the kitchen. "I... was stupid."
"You were!" Spencer snapped slightly. "God Ashley, you were so fucking blinded by fear back then that you couldn't even see that I was willing to drop everything to be with you."
I hung my head. As much as I didn't want to relive the past, I knew it needed to be done. It was part of the 'healing' process. "I can stand here and tell you that I just wanted you to live your dream but we both know that's a lie."
"Admitting it?" She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest. "Was that proposal just an act? Those promises you made me, were they just words that were said in order to me feel special? Because I didn't feel special the moment they were broken."
I didn't want to think irrationally. I really didn't. But the blame was too heavy on my shoulders. "Why did you leave with her?"
"Her?" She laughed slightly. "Carmen? Because she was there for me when I was lying in pieces on the floor. Because I needed to be somewhere where I was wanted and God, why are you turning this around? I was hurt, Ashley."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "This wasn't how this was supposed to go. I never wanted to make you angry."
Spencer blinked. "I'm not angry," she whispered, "I'm hurt. I'm confused and I'm just as lost as you are."
"You sound angry."
"No, you haven't seen me angry." Spencer said seriously. "I'm not bringing the past up to make things more awkward but I needed answers. I needed them a long time ago and I don't want to miss another chance."
"I'll answer anything." I tucked some hair behind my ears and she sighed, rubbing her eyes. She looked so tired and worn out. "But if you're tired, we can do this some other time…"
Spencer shook her head and pushed herself off the counter, making her way back into the living room. "We need this time to just really talk."
//
"You promised you'd never break my heart." She finally whispered. Her eyes were no longer on mine and I felt my own heart drop to the icy ground beneath our feet. "You promised me." Her tone was desperate, just begging for me to piece her back together. "Yet here I am," she slowly slid the ring off her finger and I vaguely heard it drop to my feet, "broken."
I stared down at my feet numbly, the white gold band glittering in all its glory.
"Go." She whispered, not moving.
"What?" I blinked and slowly picked up the ring.
"Just go." Spencer nodded towards the exit door. "I'm not going to beg you if it means you have to think about us. Just leave." She said sharply, her eyes boring into my own.
"Spencer…"
"Good luck tomorrow." Spencer whispered before turning around and skating off towards the locker room. I could hear her cries echoing off the walls and I crumpled to the cold surface, my own cries shaking my whole body.
//
"You scared me," I whispered, sinking down on the couch beside her, "I was eighteen, engaged and I had the most perfect girlfriend in my life. You were so perfect, Spencer. Every time you'd smile, every time you'd look at me or speak – you were the definition of perfection. And I was… not."
"I think you should've let me be the judge of that." Spencer shrugged and moved to light a few candles. "I thought you were perfect – for me."
"I'm sorry." The emotions running through my body brewed a storm in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to cry. Spencer hurt because of me. She carried all of it with her that whole time and just looking at her sad eyes made me want to hold her and tell her I'd try and do anything to make it better.
"Don't be sorry." Spencer sighed again. "The past is over with. I don't want to stand here and argue with you over things we simply can't change. I just wanted to understand and got caught up in the moment." She blushed a little.
"You're a pretty wild firecracker these days." I observed with a small grin, trying to lighten the mood. I still felt the tension in the air but it was slowly shifting and the shift felt like a good thing.
Spencer just smiled and took another sip of her drink. "You loved me, right?"
I stared at her and held my breath. I wasn't expecting that question. Not yet anyway. "I've never stopped." I whispered and didn't look her in the eye.
She nodded and put her mug down before curling her feet up underneath her. She turned to face me and studied my face. "What happened, Ash?" Her voice was so full of concern, it broke my heart.
What if she thought less of me?
"What do you mean?" I asked quietly. A lot had happened; I needed to know what she meant.
"I mean, everything, what happened? I know Dylan was your choice," she smiled lightly and shrugged a bit, "Sammy let it slip."
"Yeah, I just felt ready. It wasn't just about wanting someone to love or take care of, I just felt like it was time." I felt myself relax a little. "I tried for months before it took. Alex freaked on me." I said with an eye roll and noticed Spencer immediately looked away from me.
"When Alex found out I was pregnant, she took off. Well technically I took off because she was pissing me off." Spencer grabbed my hand to stop me from pacing and pulled me back down on the couch. "I didn't plan Lucas." She said seriously. "I went out to a party one night with Carmen and the next morning I woke up in a stranger's bed. Nine months later, out comes Luc."
"Oh." I frowned, not really sure how to take that information. "How old is Lucas?"
Spencer swallowed and breathed, "eleven."
"Oh." Okay. Breathe. You don't have a right to be… "Didn't take you long, did it?" Some things never change; I was still able to stuff my foot in my mouth.
"Don't." Spencer said sternly and pointed a finger at me. "Don't you dare say a word about my actions back then."
"I won't." I shrugged and turned to face the fireplace. "Does he have a part in Lucas' life?"
"No." Spencer stood up and grabbed a sweater, throwing it on. "I barely remember his name and the only reason why I remember his name was because he left me a note the morning afterwards."
"Gentleman like." I mocked with more jealousy then I intended too. I heard Spencer snort and I glared at her. "I'm allowed to be just a little upset about this." I said in a serious tone.
"No, you really don't and besides, I said I wasn't going to argue with over this past stuff."
"It takes nine months to have a baby and you were in bed with someone three months after I left you." Wow. Reword your words next time, Davies. I winced when I noticed her ears go red.
"Exactly. You left me." She grabbed her mug and nearly tossed it in the sink. "I should've just slept with Carmen when I had the chance, maybe it'd really give you a reason to be so jealous." I heard her mutter under her breath.
"You haven't?" I frowned a little. "Really?"
"You sound almost happy about that." Spencer shook her head. "Funny thing is, I couldn't sleep with her and we came so close one time. So close but I couldn't go through with it because it just felt like I was cheating on you. Because I told you I'd never touch her and I just, it would've been like a betrayal."
I didn't know what to say. I guess that was the night when we were going to spill everything out. Maybe it was a good thing. "I never slept with anyone until a little over a year ago."
Spencer looked at me like I had just grown another head. "Seriously?" She whispered wide-eyed.
I didn't know whether to be offended or not.
"Seriously." I nodded a little and looked away. "Why is that so hard to believe?" I asked with hesitancy.
Spencer shrugged and bit her lip. "I don't know? I guess maybe I assumed it to make myself feel better for um, not doing the same?" She whispered and played with her fingers in her lap.
"Katie was your last girlfriend that I've read about." I said quietly and scratched the back of my neck. Her eyes snapped up to look at me and I just shrugged a little. "I read about your break up in one of the Sport magazines."
"Oh." She whispered and tucked some hair behind her ears.
--
Spencer's PoV
"So since I have to be in Germany next week, I was hoping we'd get to spend the weekend alone." Katie smiled at me, placing a kiss to the corner of my mouth.
"Kate," I smiled a little, "I already promised my parents I'd be home for the weekend to spend time with Lucas."
"All weekend?" Katie raised an eyebrow and pulled away from me slightly. "Spencer, we see each other like, fifteen days out of a month and I miss you. My partner is getting the blunt end of the deal with my sexual frustration!"
I smirked at her a little. Katie was the best figure skater in her area and I had to admit she was hot doing her thing on the ice. Dressed in sexy costumes and being all flexible, it was very hot. She reminded me of a certain brunette that couldn't skate – but her name won't be mentioned. "Aww poor baby," I whispered against her lips and kissed her softly, "my parents love you, why don't you join me?"
Katie sighed and shrugged. "This is just… it's always like this and you know I love Lucas, Spence, but I barely get alone time with you."
"What do you want me to do?" I frowned. "I'm a mother Katie, and you knew that when we started going out. I have responsibilities and I intend to be the best mother I can be considering I'm rarely home with her."
"I get that," Katie pulled her brown hair in a small ponytail before clutching at her skating bag, "sometimes I wonder if this is even worth the effort." She mumbled.
I shook my head and sighed, clutching at my own hockey bag. I was tired of the same constant argument. "Maybe you're right." I said, looking at her seriously. "I get where you're coming from but I'm not going to break Lucas' heart when her grandparents tell her that her mother isn't going to be seeing her."
"Looks like your decision is made." She said sadly and I shrugged.
"There wasn't a decision to begin with." I tightened the strap on my bag and gave her one last look.
"Just walk away Spencer," Katie replied and moved away from me.
I only nodded and complied.
Never looking back.
//
"I guess she couldn't handle me wanting to be with Lucas." I shrugged and Ashley nodded a little. "It wasn't really a public break up but there were a few people outside the stadium in Toronto."
"I'm sorry?" Ashley raised an eyebrow with a slight nervous smile.
"Why?" I tilted my head. "She was my girlfriend for a year and I saw her a total of five months. It wasn't going to work out anyway – obviously."
"I know but she should've respected the fact that you were a mother." Ashley whispered.
I nodded a little and sat back against the couch. I didn't know what to think or feel at that moment. I was feeling all that hurt come back but then I was feeling relief that we were there, together, talking about everything. No matter how light or heavy, we were talking about it all.
"How did Dylan end up here?" I whispered softly, bringing my hands to her knees and getting her to look at me. "What went wrong?"
I could tell the subject was still fresh and painful for her. I didn't expect her to spill everything if it pained her. But she took a deep breath and rubbed her hands over her face before opening her mouth to speak. "The day I found out my parents died in an accident, I couldn't be alone. Dylan was my rock in life, you know? She was everything to me. But that day I had one drink, just one drink while picking her up from a birthday party and you know, the only thing that caused me to have that accident was the tears that just," she leaned forward holding her stomach. I frowned and moved closer to rub her back.
"You don't have to tell me," I whispered and she shook her head.
"I do," she looked at me with tears spilling from her beautiful eyes, "you need to hear it and I need to say it out loud again."
I only nodded and waited patiently while she composed herself.
"At the scene of the accident, they took some blood and did a breathalyser test. I had one beer Spence, just one and they took Dylan away because she was still in the vehicle with me while traces of alcohol was in my system," she sniffled, trying to take deep breaths between her words, "I promised her I'd be back. And I never came back."
"Oh Ashley," I sighed and finally moved as close as I could, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her towards me.
"If I just left her there or if I didn't have that drink." She sobbed softly and I continued rubbing her back lightly. "I don't know what happened after that, God, I can barely remember. I didn't make that first effort Spence, how horrible am I? I turned to alcohol and drugs before even considering on how to get her back. I just thought she was gone forever."
I closed my eyes. I've heard every story in the book in my line of work. I've been through all the stages of a social worker. I was even responsible for taking children out of their homes in the middle of the night when a phone call would come in. I've heard all of it. I've seen it – and it was painful. But to have Ashley's body quaking with tears in my arms, spilling out everything, was probably more personal to me. And I guess in a way, I could understand. She reacted how most mothers and the rare fathers, do. They turned to something that's less painful than reality.
"It wasn't until Aiden rescued me." Ashley whispered and I frowned, pulling back.
Aiden? I talked to Aiden and Kyla at least twice a month and they were planning a trip to see us that upcoming Christmas.
"Aiden?" I whispered back and she only nodded. Even through her tears, she was beautiful.
"I guess Alex confided in him about everything because she was worried about me." Ashley looked apologetic. "I'm actually kind of surprised she never asked you."
You and me both.
"Wow, so I really was in the dark with all of this." I nodded slowly.
"Kyla doesn't know as far as I know." Ashley blinked. "Aiden said he wouldn't say a word to anyone."
"Ashley," I couldn't help it but my forehead pressed against hers and my eyes were closed tightly, "it's important for you to know that I'm not mad," I whispered, "it's important for you to know that I understand and you have to realize that you've come a long way. I have Aiden to thank."
Ashley pulled back and wiped her eyes, her eyes so full of past pain and present fears. "I never wanted anyone to think less of me, especially you…"
"I don't." I whispered honestly. "God, I can't imagine what you went through losing your parents and daughter in one day," my arm was still draped around her shoulder and we both realized we were crying softly, "I wish I could've been there for you."
"Really?" She choked out.
"Yes." I breathed. "I told you, all I ever needed was you."
"How did we get here?" Ashley leaned back and I followed her, tucking my legs underneath me again. "I mean, if I wasn't so stupid we'd be here together, right?"
"We are here together." I whispered, giving her a soft smile.
I knew what she meant but she never corrected me.
I was getting really tired emotionally. Being a hockey mom slash Coach slash full time worker was enough to make me crash early, but throw in an emotional roller coaster ride with the love of your life, I could just sleep until the weekend.
"So," Ashley shifted and looked at me, "you don't do brunettes anymore?"
It didn't surprise me that our conversation was all over the place. I think it helped us get everything out. It goes to show how lost we were without each other.
"Ah," I blushed a little and shrugged, "the last brunette I was with was Katie, and that was nearly ten years ago."
"Who was that woman last night?"
"Aimee Smith." I sat up again, not really feeling comfortable talking about my non-committal relationships with Ashley at the moment.
"Girlfriend?" She whispered, chewing on her bottom lip.
"No," I shook my head and smiled a little, "I don't do girlfriends either."
"I guess some things do change." Ashley looked at me. "She seems really smitten with you."
Don't I know it.
"We have rules and she broke them." I stood up and stretched. "I'm not perfect by any means. I've never really taken the time out to find another woman to bring home and get to know Lucas. Heartaches are being tossed around here enough, she doesn't need to be attached to someone I'm not entirely serious about."
Ashley stood up and followed my stretch. "She doesn't like me." She said seriously.
"She doesn't know you," I offered, "Luc is eleven years old and she doesn't understand what's going on. All she knows is that her best friend's mother is back in town and it's hard on her to know that Dylan's out of our house within the next couple of weeks."
I was going to talk to Lucas after they got back from Rapture. I needed to sit her down and explain every little detail about everything. She was smart but she was emotional and temperamental – she believed what she wanted to believe.
"Spencer?" Ashley blinked her tired eyes and moved to grab her keys, pressing her command start button to warm up her vehicle. "I'm not going to ask for forgiveness because it's not right of me," she sighed heavily, "but know that the fact that you're so understanding means the world to me."
"There's nothing to forgive." I shrugged slightly and moved to grab her coat, placing it on her delicately. "If you know what you want in life right now," I took a deep breath, "just go for it Ash. Don't let anyone influence your decisions because you already know what it's like to lose things that are important to you."
Ashley stood there in front of me, just staring at me. "I want to join you ladies for dinner tomorrow night," she whispered.
"We'd love that." I nodded with a soft smile. Up until that moment, I was the one moving forward and giving her comforted hugs. But right now, Ashley had her lips pressed against my cheek so lightly, I could barely feel it. But I knew she was there.
We've been through so much.
"Thank you." She murmured against my cheek and squeezed my hand before I heard the front door open.
I heard it close while she slipped outside and tucked my bottom lip between my teeth.
Everything came back to me at that moment. The heartache, the laughter, the good memories, the sneaky showers in change rooms, the small petty arguments, the smiles and the kisses and touches – it was all there. Underneath all the points that built up our relationship, whether we were together or not, it was right in front of me.
And I realized something as it came rushing back to and through me…
…I was falling in love all over again.
--
