This was not how Jughead expected his birthday evening to turn out. He had decided to go to Pop Tate's on a whim for some much-needed alone time. But now, sitting across the table from him was none other than his double from a parallel universe, who was apparently now calling him out for the crime of kissing his best friend. And Jughead had no idea of how to respond to that. But he had to say something, and so he said:

"You're jealous of me and Betty."

This almost prompted a laugh.

"Jughead, dude. Given on what I've told you so far, what makes you think I would want that?"

"I dunno. Same reason you want me not to."

"It's not that. It's just... I'm not really sure why you wanted it in the first place."

Jughead sighed.

"I'm crazy about her. Without her, I'd just be crazy." Jughead grinned a little at his own joke, then waited for the other Jughead to contradict him. There was silence, so he continued.

"Whenever I'm with her, any moment, however brief, is a moment in which nothing else matters. It's like we're Romeo and Juliet, or something. She makes me smile more than anything else in this bleak world."

"Uh huh. 'Romeo and Juliet?' What next? Are you gonna start writing sonnets about her?"

"No," Jughead said with a quick glance at the laptop. "There are far better forms of verse out there."

"Dude, this isn't you! None of this is like you at all."

"And how would you know?"

"I am you! Okay?"

"Fine, fine, it's not 'like me.' Because whatever you're thinking, Betty and I aren't like that."

"Like what?"

"Like... every other superficial high school romance ever."

"Of course," said the other Jughead, failing to sound convinced.

"Well, y'know, we can be weird together. And honest. We can be totally honest without having to hide ourselves behind fake feelings. And we do nice things for each other without the need to constantly try and impress the other one. We're not normal."

Or at least I'm not, Jughead thought, but he didn't dare say it. For everything he'd just said, half of him knew it to be true. The other half of him only hoped it was true.

"Really?" said the other Jughead. "Because the Betty I know wouldn't need a romance to justify any of that."

"And what would you know about Betty?"

"Quite a lot actually. She's my best friend."

"I thought Archie was your best—"

"You can have more than one best friend."

Jughead paused. He wondered if he'd consider Betty a best friend.

He thought of the adventures he and Betty had started together – investigating Jason's murder, tracking down Polly, finding a carful of evidence and later coming back to find it torched. They'd grown closer than ever throughout the experiences they'd shared, more than he thought was possible before last summer. Maybe they were each other's best friends as well, but for some reason he didn't like the idea of labeling it that way.

"Maybe in your universe," he said. "But in this one, Betty and me are a lot closer now than back when we were just friends."

The other Jughead exhaled and shook his head at the phrase 'just friends,' to which he simply replied:

"It's not gonna last."

"Oh come on! What do you know?"

"Because these sorts of relationships never do."

"You have no idea, man!"

Jughead was maybe a little ruder than he'd meant to be, but in the time since they met, his alternate self had been nothing but negative. Besides, hadn't he been the one who'd started this whole conversation? Just what was this guy trying to prove anyway?

"I'm serious, Jughead. Couples fight. It's what they do. I hate to say it, but statistically, your relationship isn't going to last. And then you won't have a best friend to fall back on. You'll have an ex-girlfriend."

Jughead wanted to cover his ears and deny it, but it was not like the thought hadn't already crossed his own mind. And the fact that he was hearing this from own alternate universe self made it doubly frightening.

"I won't let it happen," he replied, surprising himself as he almost choked up when he said it.

"How? By running away from her every time you're about to have a fight?"

That really touched a nerve. How dare he say such a thing!

"Seriously man, you have no idea! Just—" Jughead began.

"Because why else would you come alone here on your birthday?"

Jughead flared his nostrils and looked up down as if sizing his double up for combat, but as much as he would have liked to punch the other guy in the face, he simply could not. Because as much as the other Jughead's words angered him, he knew he was absolutely right.

"I don't like parties," he said through gritted teeth.

"And what about Betty?"

"She... doesn't understand yet that I don't like parties. That's all."

"Is it though?" he asked, like he didn't already know.

"No, of course it isn't! Gah!" Jughead slammed his hand down on the table so hard, it made the glasses rattle. "She threw me a surprise party I didn't want. Then she didn't understand why I didn't want it or even think to ask me why. You know I should have told her there and then, but..."

Jughead thought of his father, and wondered if every generation of his family was doomed to repeat the mistakes of the last.

"...I knew I probably would've ended up getting mad and saying something I didn't mean. I couldn't handle staying at the party, so I came here. And now... I really don't wanna lose her. But I have not the faintest idea of how to fight as a couple. You got any ideas, buddy boy?"

"Uhm, I'm really the wrong person to be asking about a thing like this."

"Right, right, aromantic. I get that."

"And also asexual... But yeah. I do think I can relate to some of it though."

"You do?"

"I dated a girl once. And I stress, once."

"Unless you count Joanie in kindergarten."

"Yeah, but I only date dated one person. And either way, it ended up as kind of a disaster. Her name was Sabrina, by the way, and how I ended up on a date with her is a whole other story, but—"

"Get to the point."

"Being on that date was terrifying for me, like, the scariest thing that I' d ever experienced since the time I nearly got eaten by a bear. But it was scary for the very reason that I thought I'd mess up. As weird as that sounds, there was a genuine worry that I might fail to impress her."

"Who? Sabrina or the bear?"

"Both of 'em," the other guy said with a chuckle. "But mainly Sabrina, right up until the point when I blew it for good. After that I didn't feel so anxious, so..."

"Then the thing to do is for me to piss Betty off so much, it makes her not want to date me anymore. Perfect!" said Jughead, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Um, Juggie. That's not what I—"

"No, but you did get at least one thing right."

"Which is...?"

Jughead took a deep breath.

"I dunno, try the fact that I am absolutely terrified of driving her away and losing the one happy thing in my life. Like, am I gonna say the wrong thing, or otherwise fail to impress her? I may be Romeo, but I don't exactly go out of my way to woo her with gifts and dates. That's just not a thing that I do. And I know she saysshe claims—she's okay with that, but for all I know she's only saying it to humor me. This thought has been festering in the back of my mind for a while now: am I good enough for Betty '#HotBetty' Cooper, or is she merely putting up with me because she thinks I'm what she needs right now?

"And then... out of nowhere, she goes out of her way to impress me with a surprise birthday party I didn't even want. So, does that mean I have to do the same thing when it's her birthday? If that's what she wants, she's made a point of not telling me. And if I ask her, then I pretty much have to confront her about... all of this. And I don't wanna be that guy who... pulls the pin on the Schrödinger's cat within the Pandora's box that is our relationship. I feel too much like I'd be destroying a good thing."

"And yet," the other Jughead replied. "If you leave the cat in the box for too long it'll just starve to death."

"I wasn't really going anywhere with that analogy. But yeah. Doing nothing is worse than etcetera, etcetera. Thing is about analogies though is they're too simplistic. Relationships aren't like that. Romance is complicated and messy, and..."

In the other Jughead's eyes, there emerged a flash of recognition.

"Yes! This is exactly the problem! It's why I prefer hamburgers to romance. There's so much less drama to deal with."

"That all well and good for you, man. But I can't exactly take a hamburger to prom."

"Amateur," he snorted. "Why do you think I petitioned Pop's to do the catering?"

Jughead heaved another sigh.

"All this talk of hamburgers is making me hungry."

"Seriously though," said the other Jughead. "You wanna know what I think you should do?"

"Hang on," said Jughead, as he slid out his chair and got up to order a burger. "I'll be back in just a sec."


Phew, I feel I'm behind with this, especially as the Riverdale finale's been and gone. I've decided that watching it will be my reward for updating. That day is finally here, and I can't wait. I'll admit, though I initially started watching Riverdale for the purposes of writing this fic, I've found it very, very watchable and enjoyed it quite a lot, the queer erasure issues notwithstanding.

And chapter 4 is coming, folks!