AN: Thank you all for your love and patience. Your reviews did push updating this ahead of You Can't Protest Everything, which i thought was an impossible feat, so kudos! Incase you actually care about my life: no, I did not meet my editing deadline, but thankfully I have until May now. I now have a huge event, finals, field termination, graduation, and a convention coming up... sooo that's gonna be my life.
Enter vulnerable/hot and cold Rory and Jess :) Hope you like them.
N: Updated 10:05pm, a paragraph was missing at the end.
Rory walks slowly to the bridge, pulling her jacket more tightly around her. It smells like winter, she decides, kicking a stray pebble. The air smells like a mixture between rain and snow, and she's not sure which she would prefer to fall from the sky.
I guess I'll get sick if it rains in December, Rory thinks to herself, sighing. As she gets closer to the bridge, a knot begins to form in her stomach, her body responding before her brain can catch up. Something changes in the atmosphere, one of those weird incidents that she can't explain (and hasn't had to try to explain in weeks), and before she sees him, Rory already knows.
She stops twenty feet or so from the bridge, her bridge. He's there, one leg dangling off the wood, leaning back on his right arm as he reads, a beautiful silhouette against the dark drop of the trees. The colors of the sunset dance across his face and the only word that comes to Rory's mind is perfect. She vaguely smells cigarettes. Remembering a rare conversation in which Jess revealed his motives for the nasty habit, Rory recognizes that he has been stress-smoking.
Good. I'm glad he's stressed out, she chomps bitterly, crossing her arms. A pang of guilt shoots through her and she frowns; she was mad, sure, but she didn't actually want Jess to be suffering… right? Maybe she would just turn around and leave before he noticed her.
But wait. It was her bridge. Her bridge! She didn't want to feel bad for Jess. She didn't want to even think about Jess. She had come out here to get away from him! He could go find another hole to crawl in and infest with cancerous smoke.
My bridge. My bridge, Rory tells herself over and over as she holds her head up high and stalks closer.
She stops a few feet before him and watches. Rory is aware that he recognizes her presence in the way his body shifts, but he doesn't move otherwise. Rory furrows her eyebrows and sets her jaw, plopping herself down on the opposite side of the bridge, facing away from Jess.
Rory nods to herself and leans back on her hands, dangling her legs over the edge. She can still see the sunset from here, even if it is significantly stunted. It's unnerving being near him, and it takes so much energy not to glare at the back of his head. It infuriates her that he isn't acknowledging her; but then, a part of her hopes he never will. Perhaps if she wishes hard enough, she really can make him disappear.
It would solve her relationship problems, anyway.
"I'm not leaving," comes his voice from behind her. Rory freezes, wondering if Jess can somehow read her thoughts. She recovers quickly.
"I barely noticed you were there," she lies coolly, setting her eyes on the lake. If only that really were the case.
Just leave. This won't end well.
No. My bridge. My town. I stay if I want to.
"Huh," comes his casual response.
The lack of concern in his voice makes her blood boil. Here she was, bent out of shape at even the sight of him, and he didn't seem phased by her presence or iciness. She sets her jaw in a hard line and snaps her head to glare at the back of his dark curls.
But she finds his eyes studying her instead. Rory flushes and hopes that it's dark enough to hide it. Probably not, she thinks in embarrassment. The whole stupid sun is shining in my face.
"What?" She bites out, more harshly than she'd intended. Jess studies her for a moment, scanning her face. She knows the harshness isn't reaching her features, and she's both grateful for this and annoyed. Jess appears to decide something in his head, shrugs in response to her question, and then chews on his lip.
Rory looks at him curiously. She flinches—she doesn't know why—as she watches him close his book and place it on the bridge. Jess swings his leg onto the bridge and expertly maneuvers himself to face her, crossing his legs smoothly.
Rory raises an eyebrow and Jess returns it with a raised eyebrow of his own.
Jess clears his throat. Rory is surprised. She hadn't expected Jess to be the one to break any of these silences. Unwillingly, she leans forward, waiting.
"Do you…" he trails off, inhaling sharply.
Rory waits for a few seconds before she grows impatient. She lets out a deliberate huff of air and purses her lips.
"Do I what, Jess?"
"You know, it'd do you well to have some patience once in awhile," Jess points out, his voice on edge. Rory glares but she heard the sharpness of his voice, heard the frustration. She bites the inside of her lip to prevent herself from saying anything to make things worse. Mom would be proud of me.
"I was trying… to say…" Jess trails off again and this time, it's he who huffs with impatience at himself.
"Doyouwanttotalkaboutthings?" He blurts out, exasperated.
Rory blinks back a look of shock. He really just said that, right?
"Excuse me?" Rory hears herself ask, dumbfounded. "Did you say you want to talk?"
"I asked if you wanted to talk," Jess corrects lamely, looking to the side. He seems embarrassed, and something about this melts some of Rory's anger away. It was nice to see some emotion from the guy that wasn't simply teenage angst or sporadic chivalry.
"Wow."
Rory watches Jess curiously as she thinks. This conversation could go a lot of ways. This could be the beginning of laying the foundation for something more between them. Or, alternatively, this could be the end of everything. What if talking meant he told her that he is too hurt by her to give her a chance? What if it meant he is so hurt that he doesn't even want to give being friends a chance? Rory shivers and pulls her jacket closer.
She slowly scoots over to his side of the bridge, watching as his body turned to match hers. Rory folds her hands on her lap and waits.
XXX
After a few long moments, Jess noticeably fidgets. He knows it's noticeable and he doesn't really care. He'd made the decision to be vulnerable if he ever saw Rory again in the right setting, and this was it.
He didn't really know she would come to the bridge tonight; after all, he didn't expect anything out of her nowadays. He had let Luke's words sink in, he'd read something that made sense, and he had just gotten up. It was his place to clear his head and think.
But he had hoped in some weird way that as he had read and been moved to his feet, that Rory would be too, wherever she was, and that her feet would lead her to the bridge. He did want to give her the opportunity to explain herself, get some kind of closure. It was strange the way he got these feelings to go places where Rory would eventually manifest.
"Well?" He asks finally, unable to conceal his agitation any longer. He was anxious and he needed her to make a move, any move.
"I just don't know what to say," she admits, swallowing down a lump in her throat. Jess watches her shiver again and pulls off the scarf around his neck, instinctively leaning over to wrap it around hers.
Rory inhales sharply as Jess's fingertips graze her neck. The heat and electricity that Jess didn't know he missed shoots through his fingers like fire, anchoring him. Realizing how close he is to her face and how he actually had zero say in anything that just happened, Jess freezes, staring at Rory's nose instead of her eyes. Why had draping his scarf around her neck seemed like a good idea in his subconscious? What was it about this stupid girl that drew him in?
Fuck.
"You were shivering," Jess states matter-of-factly, mentally kicking himself. He retracts his hands and shoves them deeply into his hoodie pocket, gripping the material tightly. You're acting like an idiot, Mariano.
Rory nods and Jess looks up, making eye contact again. There's something different in the way she's looking at him, and somewhere deep inside, Jess feels like he recognizes it. Her eyes are glowing in the light of the fading sun and they're softer, more loving, more… desperate? Was that the word?
"We…" Her voice makes him jump after the few seconds of intense staring.
"We should talk," she breathes out, crossing her arms snugly against her chest.
"Okay," Jess nods, his breath even. This was a start. She would talk, he would listen, and if it came up, he would tell her how he felt.
He looks over at the water, watching it shift back and forth. He shifts his body and leans back, putting some distance in between them. His heart is finally coming down from the palpitations at touching her skin again, and he wants to give himself some distance.
"Jess?"
He looks over at her.
"Why are you putting distance between us?" She asks, almost with an amused look on her face.
His unbothered mask cracks as he briefly wonders whether Rory can read his mind. He shakes it off and mulls over the best answer in his head.
Because my heart is trying to explode? Because I hate the way I feel around you? Because I need to make sure I keep my fucking grip? Because you look like you want me to kiss you?
None seem like something that should ever come out of his mouth, so he shrugs instead.
"Are you afraid to be around me?" She asks, a sad look in her eyes.
Yes, because you don't care about the damage you do.
"You sat away from me when you first came," he deflects, raising an eyebrow defiantly.
"That doesn't answer my question. Are you?"
Jess clenches his jaw and looks away again. He could just tell her the truth… but in what universe was Jess Mariano this sap? This guy who could be emotionally crushed and manipulated by a pair of blue eyes? He didn't want to be this person.
Jess sighs audibly, dragging out his breath. He settles for a half truth.
"I don't know."
Rory looks hurt. Part of Jess wants to erase the look on her face, and the other part of him wants it to stay there. Just because Luke made sense for once in his life didn't mitigate the hurt that Jess felt at Rory's hot-and-cold bullshit. He was still second to Dean, still second to everyone else it seemed.
"Can you come closer?"
Jess shakes his head, certain he's heard Rory wrong.
"What?" He asks, his voice surprisingly steady.
"Can you come closer?" She asks again, sounding more confident and clear than she had the previous time.
What is her game? What's she playing at?
"Why, Rory?" Jess asks, sighing. The memories of Rory burying herself into his chest flash before his eyes. They're followed by Dean's face, and the memories feel tainted, makes him angry. "So you can tap in and then tap out because you remember Dean exists? No thanks. We can talk from where I am."
"God, you can be such a jerk!" Rory snaps, raking her fingers roughly through her hair. "You said you wanted to talk, and if all you're gonna do is say cruel things, then we have nothing to talk about!"
"Sorry that you can't control me," Jess growls, jerking his body forward so that he's closer to her. He juts his finger down, emphasizing when he speaks. "I'm not gonna sugar coat for you just because it hurts your feelings, Rory. And you can't stomp your foot and get pissed whenever I say something you don't like!"
"I don't want to control you, Jess!" Rory shouts, throwing her arms up. "I love that you're unpredictable; I just hate that you put up this stupid wall because you're afraid!"
They inhale deep breaths together, locking their eyes in a glare. He isn't sure how he feels about the way the conversation is going, but Rory doesn't appear to be feeling any better about it. His anger begins to shift and soften, and something comes to his mind to cut the tension.
"You 'love' that I'm unpredictable?" Jess asks, raising an eyebrow suggestively.
Rory rolls her eyes and roughly slaps her hands against the wood, propping herself up to look at him in disbelief.
"Of all things I said, that's what you wanna focus on?"
"Well, you said you love something about me, which seems to be in stark contrast to everything else you've said and done lately," Jess points out, challenging her, "so yes, I'm choosing to focus on that."
Rory looks off to the side, out at the water like he had just done. Jess watches her watching the water and wonders what she's thinking, what her next move is. She bites her lip, making her look absolutely kissable, and he makes himself look away. This hot and cold he was experiencing - wanting to hurt her, wanting to love her - was getting exhausting. Something had to give.
"I love so much about you," Rory finally says to the water. Jess's heartbeat picks up, and he reluctantly finds himself holding his breath, waiting for her to continue. It annoys him, because he doesn't want to feel anything about her compliment and all he wants is to keep calling her out on her crap. Somebody had to. But he's compelled to listen and he swallows his pride along with a lump in his throat.
"I've been trying to tell you that," she continues. He watches her pick at a splinter in the wood absently. "The other day at Luke's, when I left—"
"When you bolted—"
"Fine. When I bolted, I had planned to go in there and talk to you about….everything. You, me, Dean, my behavior. But I saw you attached to her and it felt like the whole world should just swallow me. It sucked."
Jess raises an eyebrow.
"And you don't think it sucked to see you with Dean all of the time?" Jess asks, trying his best not to sound bitter.
"I know," Rory says quietly, sighing. Rory looks at him, her eyes big and sparkling. Is she… crying?
"I've been treating you like crap. I didn't think I was. I wasn't trying to. I didn't mean to make you feel lead on or unimportant to me or anything else, Jess, I really didn't. I just can't control what I do when I'm around you."
Rory is bordering hysteria now, and he can't help but find it adorable and sad. He feels the need to stop it, even if it's everything he wants to hear.
"Rory," Jess intones, his voice hoarse.
"No, Jess," she continues. The tears are spilling freely now. "I'm so sorry. You have every right to be mad at me. I keep throwing myself at you like a dart, and I know that's not how life works. But I see you and it's just so different than when I'm with Dean. I can't help but be drawn into you. And now that I know I won't see you anymore, it just makes it that much worse."
Jess really doesn't know what to do with her or her rambles. His instinct is to comfort her, to try to make her smile again, but the bitter reality that she isn't his to comfort creeps back up. Her sweet words roll off of him and fall to the ground, like sugar that lumps at the bottom of a coffee cup. He takes a second, shakes his head, and lets himself process what she's saying, trying to find comfort in any of it.
What is she saying, anyway? Apologizing? Definitely. Owning up to what she's been doing? Surprisingly, yes. Acknowledging that she wants to be around him? Pretty sure he heard that, too.
She stops and sucks in her lip, watching him. Jess clears his throat, runs his hand through his hair, and slowly scoots closer to her until their knees are almost touching.
"Okay," he says, nodding. She looks at him in confusion, her eyes darting across his face, trying to read him. For once, Jess isn't concerned with trying to conceal what's there; he just wants to have a conversation.
Start small.
"Why won't you see me anymore?"
"Ms… Ms. Leon dismissed me."
"Oh." Saw that one coming.
"Yeah."
"Are you moving?"
"What?"
"Are. You. Moving?" Jess asks slowly, enunciating his words. Rory glares.
"No."
"Okay, so we will see each other."
"Dean doesn't want us talking anymore."
A small chuckle sounds somewhere in the back of Jess's throat. Of course prince Dean didn't want the peasant to speak to his princess.
"What did you say to him?"
"What?"
"When he told you that you couldn't talk to me. What did you say?"
XXX
Rory feels the panic rising in her at his question. She couldn't lie to Jess, but telling him the truth would just make it worse. As she looks at Jess, trying to find the right words, she sees a dark shadow falling over his eyes, and she knows she doesn't have to actually answer. Jess isn't stupid; he knows what Rory said. He chuckles darkly to himself, shakes his head, and moves to get up.
No. You can't leave. Not yet.
Rory shoots out her hand, gripping Jess's sleeve hard to prevent him from getting up.
"Let me explain," she asks quickly.
"What's there to explain? You agreed to never speak to me again."
"Jess, you were ignoring me. I thought you hated me. I didn't think you wanted to speak to me again anyway!"
"Rory, do you hear yourself?" He demands, ripping his arm away from her. "You just sat there and told me how much you miss being around me and in the next minute, admit to agreeing never to speak to me again! Maybe you do need to be with somebody brainless like Dean, because those of us who have even a quarter of an IQ know it's better to stay away from you."
His words sting like a slap. It wasn't fair of him to be acting this way, but Rory also knew deep down, he was entitled to all the hurt. She really was sending him mixed signals. She just didn't know how to make him understand.
"Jess, I know what this looks like. Don't you think I do? Don't you think I feel like an awful person for being caught in between two people, dragging you both along with me?" She yells, grabbing back onto his arm.
Jess's face stays hard, but the cloud in his eyes seems to disappear. The acknowledgement of her feelings, more clearly than she'd mentioned before, seem to register. Rory takes this as a positive and continues.
"Dean is safe," she admits, not breaking eye contact. "I understand Dean. I know what makes him happy or sad or angry, and I know how to de-escalate a situation with him. I know where we'll go, what we'll do, when he'll call. I don't know any of this about you, and it scares me."
"So Dean is safe and I'm not, and that's all there is to it, right?" Jess asks, looking down.
"You're not easy, Jess. I can't predict what you're going to say, or do, or where you'll show up. I make lists, you know? About everything. Like everything. Like one time in fifth grade I didn't know whether I should do cereal or oatmeal, and I made a pro-con list about it. I can make a pro-con list about Dean. You, I can't."
"Gee, thanks," Jess scoffs.
"You're being so difficult," Rory groans, dropping her hand from his jacket. "I'm trying to explain to you why I've been acting the way I've been acting. Which, by the way, you have not yet done."
"You really don't know why I've been acting the way I've been acting?" Jess growls, giving her an incredulous look. "I have to explain my motives to you?"
"It would help to hear you say it," Rory counters, furrowing her eyebrows. Jess shakes his head, looking back out at the water.
"Tell me why you've been doing what you're doing, Jess," Rory says deliberately, moving her head to try to catch his eyes.
"Why does it matter why it matters, Rory?" His voice sounds shaky.
"I need to know if you have stake in this. I need to know if I'm sitting here and pouring my heart out for a reason, other than to apologize for just being a crappy friend."
Rory sets her gaze on his and waits. She's called him out; she knows it and, judging by the panicked look on his face, he knows it too. She needed the conversation to have some kind of direction, some kind of purpose. If Jess didn't want her, fine; but she needed to know where she stood.
"And what happens if I don't?" Jess asks, challenging her. Rory swallows hard. He continues. "Do you just stay with the beanpole?"
"I don't think so," Rory answers, her tone of voice indicating a 'no' more than anything else.
It would suck to break up with Dean only to be rejected by Jess. But Rory knew it would suck more to continue to try in a relationship where she felt nothing. It wouldn't be fair to Dean or to herself. As much as it hurt her to think everything with Jess was for nothing, her mom and Lane and, hell even Jess, had been right for weeks. What she was doing to Dean wasn't okay, and maybe being alone would help her.
"No," Rory corrects herself, looking firmly at Jess. "I'm tired of hurting people."
Jess looks up at the sky, blows air out of his mouth, and looks at Rory.
"I…" he begins. He clears his throat, huffs, looks down, and looks back at Rory. "I have stake in it."
Rory looks down to hide a smile. She feels like Ren McCormack after getting dancing back in Bomont, ready to dance the night away. It may not have been much, but the acknowledgement that somewhere under the layers of mood and James Dean casualness, Jess did have feelings for her… well, it was enough to set her over the moon.
"Okay," she says finally, looking back up at him, the smile gone from her face. "So where does this leave us?"
"You're the one with the boyfriend," he reminds her.
"You're the one with the girlfriend," Rory counters.
"She isn't my girlfriend," he deadpans. Rory studies his face, searching for meaning, and her heart sinks as it registers. She's for physical stuff, just like I thought.
"Oh," Rory says dejectedly, tugging on the sleeves of her jacket. Jess reaches out and grabs her left hand, cupping it softly in his hands. Waves of fire shoot across her skin, up her arm and down her back. His touch is so warm in the cold, so sweet in the fading light of the sunset.
"No Rory," Jess shakes his head, seeing the hurt in her face. "What I mean is," he says, clearing his throat, "Shane doesn't mean anything to me. A girlfriend or boyfriend is somebody you care about."
"Then why be with her?" She asks, staring at their connected hands.
"You're with Dean," he says softly.
Rory looks up and finds Jess looking at her with one of the warmest looks she's ever seen on anybody ever. There's no mask, no wall being put up; his face is unguarded and his eyes are honest. Everything he isn't saying is written there, and Rory is quick to understand what he means. He isn't accusing her or pointing out her behavior; he's simply stating a truth. He's with Shane, in whatever way that means, because he can't have her. She vaguely wonders if this was part of his plan, making her jealous.
Rory nods to acknowledge her understanding. Jess nods back, seemingly satisfied that she's understood, and he lets go of her hands.
"Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"I have stake in this, too. A lot of it."
"More than you have for Dean?" Jess asks on baited breath. He won't look at her.
"More than I have for Dean," Rory agrees. Jess's eyes snap back on her, a question lingering in his gaze.
"I haven't spoken to Dean in days because all I could think about was you," she tells him honestly, taking his hands back in hers in a sudden urge of confidence. "Only you."
XXX
"So where does this leave us?" Jess asks as he laces his fingers in Rory's, repeating her words back to her. His heart feels like it's ready to burst. It feels too good to be true.
"I can talk to Dean tomorrow. What about Shane?"
"Don't worry about Shane," he tells her matter-of-factly, as if it's the silliest thing in the world for her to think Shane was a threat.
"Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm afraid."
"Me too."
"As long as we're in it together," she says light heartedly, smiling. Jess cracks a smirk and rubs his thumb in absent circles on the side of Rory's thumb.
"You should go home," he offers. "You look cold."
"You could keep me warm," Rory says innocently. Jess chuckles at her boldness and lifts her hand up to his lips, gently pressing them against her skin. Goosebumps pop up like daisies along her arm, welcoming his presence.
"Not until we've dated for a few months," Jess teases, smirking. Rory flushes a deep pink.
"I meant we could sit together and finish the sunset," Rory insists, yanking her hand away from him. She tucks her hands in her pockets and looks at him with a pout, and he can't help but find her adorable.
"Okay…" Jess trails off, looking uncertain.
"But?" Rory asks, catching the way his tone drifts off.
"But nothing else."
Rory looks at him, confused.
"I know you feel what I'm feeling," Jess explains of the way his heart is doing flip flops. Rory's cheeks redden further, and she nods. "I don't want that on my conscience."
Rory nods in understanding. She knows what he means. Jess sighs, running his hand anxiously through his hair. He wanted nothing more than to hold her and kiss her, knowing that she was finally ready for this. But as much as he hated Dean, Jess wouldn't be that guy. He was that guy once in New York, and he vowed never to be again. If he was to kiss Rory, it would be as his girlfriend; not anyone else's.
"Okay," Rory agrees, scooting closer.
She tucks her legs under her body and leans against him, turning to face the last of the sun before it yawned itself to sleep behind the horizon. Jess turns as well, letting the warmth of her body nestle into his side like a favourite blanket. He drapes an arm over her shoulder and they sit in silence together.
Remembering his book, Jess grabs it with his left hand. He finds his page and hands it to Rory.
XXX
Rory looks up at him curiously before grabbing the book. She looks at the cover first and smiles at his choice. Her eyebrows furrow as she wonders what on earth Lord of the Flies might have to offer them in this moment. She flips it back over and looks for whatever it is he wants to show her.
A line is underlined:
"They walked along, two continents of experience and feeling unable to communicate."
Rory recognizes this as the comparison between Jack and Ralph, both who think their way is the best way.
Beside the text, in Jess's neatly scrawled handwriting, is a margin note. It appears as though he's using the line as a spring for his thought, and not entirely commenting on the piece at all.
What happens when we can no longer walk along in silence and must collide? Is that where the illusion of friendship fades and worlds crash apart? Or is it where the magic begins, where collaborative energy explodes into something better?
Rory sits with the page for a moment, letting the rays warm her. Rory smiles, grateful that Jess has chosen to share this part of himself with her. It told her everything that he wasn't willing to say just yet; it spoke of his confusion, his thinking of her, his feelings. It told her that he was sure of himself long before she was, and something about this makes everything seem much less scary. She snuggles in closer to Jess's side, smiling as she feels him tighten his arm around her.
"I think it's where the magic begins," she concludes, closing the book with a soft thump.
