A/N: This will be the first of a few entries with just one half for obvious reasons. Thank you for the follows and kind reviews! I get all excited when my e-mail notifies me of one!
HIS
Kaidan climbed aboard the Alliance dreadnought Kilimanjaro grateful for secure bulkheads around him. His head had begun to pound and he needed to get out of this silly white and pink armor. She is going to laugh her head off when she finally notices this.
There was a lot of rushing about and confusion as the rest of the Normandy's crew arrived. Kaidan just wanted to find Shepard and Joker. They would be together. I'm sure she's probably worried about the rest of the crew. I wonder how many we lost.
"That was the last one. Bring 'em aboard." Kaidan heard a crewman say. He wanted to wait, but the migraine was getting worse and he needed to get the med-bay for help. Dr. Chakwas was in there along with the Kilimanjaro's doctor.
"Kaidan, I'm glad to see you're all right," her English voice lilted. "Is your head bothering you?"
"Yes, ma'am. Have you seen She—I mean, the commander?"
"No. I'm sorry, I haven't. Do you know if she made it off the ship?"
"She had gone back to get Joker from the cockpit. I saw the evac shuttle launch, so yeah, she should be here."
"Well, she's probably attending to her crew. You know the drill. This is going to sting just for a second."
Kaidan closed his eyes and felt relief flow into his head. He gave himself just a minute to make sure the pain was controlled.
"I need to go, Doc."
"I wouldn't recommend that, Kaidan. You should—"
"I have to find her." I'm sure she's looking for me.
Back on the lower deck where the Normandy's crew had gathered, Kaidan saw Joker talking with Hannah Shepard. I forgot she was on this ship. Her face was stern and Joker's eyes red. When the pilot's gaze fell on Kaidan, words began spilling out of his mouth.
"Oh God, I'm sorry, Kaidan! It's my fault! I'm a dumbass, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Joker's voice was hysterical. Kaidan's heart dropped.
"What are you talking about?" Panic filled his eyes.
"Shepard's gone, and goddamnit, it's my fault!"
"Gone?" Kaidan's eyes filled with tears and his voice barely choked out the word.
"Shepard threw me in the shuttle, and that damn ship hit us again. She got knocked away by the blast. The last thing I saw was her launching my pod before the Normandy exploded." Joker's eyes were pleading for absolution. "Kaidan, I'm sorry."
"Oh my God." Kaidan spun around looking for a bulkhead to fall against. Instead, the arms of Hannah Shepard caught him.
"Sit down, Lieutenant. Breathe." Her voice was too calm. Doesn't she care her daughter is dead?
Kaidan crumbled to the ground, his head in his hands. He couldn't stop the tears from falling and he didn't care. Decorum, protocol. It was all bullshit. In the end, it means nothing. And this is the end. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. They had just started.
Hannah Shepard was kneeling beside him, her hand on his shoulder. "I loved her too. I'm so glad she had you. A good crew…"
"I wasn't just her crew, and you know that!" Kaidan hissed. "What is wrong with you? Are you so blinded by duty that you can't let even your daughter's death faze you? You treat her like she was just a crew member and not your own flesh and blood!" Kaidan stood up, anger welling up in his soul.
For the first time, he saw Hannah Shepard crack, but barely. She bit her lip and her eyes went watery. "That's enough, Lieutenant. Don't say things you'll regret later." Her voice maintained its composure.
Kaidan stormed off. "This is bullshit!" he screamed. He needed to get somewhere alone where the pitying eyes of the Normandy's crew couldn't see him. All he found was a bathroom. He walked in and locked the door.
His body ached and his mind wanted to scream. When he tried, all that came out was a lonely sob. Kaidan wanted to die.
