Number of words: 990

Published date: January 1, 2013

Began chapter: January 1, 2013

Finished chapter: January 1, 2013


Chapter 21: No Answer

The phone rang.

At first Envy just ignored it. It was impossible that anybody would be calling for him, so why should he have to be the one to answer it? Undoubtedly it was for Pride's 'mother' and once he answered, he'd then have to go and track the fool woman down and that was just far too considerate a thing for him to do.

But when no one else came running to answer it and the caller still hadn't given up by the sixth ring, Envy shrugged, reached out, grabbed the receiver and brought it up to his ear.

"Yeah?" he said testily into the mouthpiece.

There was a long pause from the other side of the line and when the caller finally spoke, his voice was ripe with exasperation.

"Couldn't you at least try," Ed asked, "to answer with a traditional greeting? You know, something halfway pleasant, like 'Hello' or 'Good morning' or 'Bradley residence, Envy speaking'?"

Envy could barely keep from snorting into the phone, for Ed, with his last suggestion, had modified his voice just enough to tell the shape-shifter that he had been trying to mimic Envy's speech. The attempt was the most pathetic thing he'd ever heard.

"Surely you didn't call just to lecture me about phone etiquette?" he drawled, twirling the phone cord around his fingers absently.

Through the line, Envy heard Ed sigh and imagined that the young man was also shaking his head.

"No, I wanted to talk to Ms. Bradley. Is she available?"

The tone in Ed's voice said he was struggling to be polite, which only reminded Envy that the pipsqueak he'd known had grown up in more than one way. Although it wasn't the wisest thing to want to do, Envy felt a strong desire to be difficult just to have the small fry go off on one of his tantrums. Ah, it didn't feel like very much time had passed at all and yet how he missed the good old days of riling the kid up just for fun! There couldn't be any harm in it if the Elric brother wasn't even there to trip him up again, right?

"What do you want to talk to her for?" he asked rather than answering the question.

He could practically hear Ed grind his teeth. "That's none of your business. Will you get her for me or not?"

Envy knew very well that Ed couldn't see his movements, but he moved over to lean nonchalantly against the wall and grinned into the mouthpiece all the same.

"It sounds to me," he said, "like you're just calling to check and make sure we haven't killed her yet. Am I right?"

In his imagination, he saw Ed wince at the mistrust inherent in the question.

"… Something like that," the young man admitted. "I'm sure nothing has happened, but call it reassurance if you want."

"I shouldn't need to remind you that if I had my powers back, it'd be simple for me to pretend to go get her and then just use her voice to trick you into thinking she was still alive."

The pause this time was longer and Envy relished the suspense, picturing a delicious look of horror on the former alchemist's face as he considering the possibility of his words being true. When he answered, though, his response was more than disappointing.

"… Maybe there's something I'm missing here, but if I were in your shoes – or not, as the case happens to be – I'd be trying to convince me that Ms. Bradley is fine, not the other way around. Do you want me to start worrying about her and come to check up on all of you?"

Oh, Envy realized belatedly. That's a good point.

"… But at least I know now that I don't need to be too concerned," Ed continued.

"Huh?"

"Well, if that were true, even you can't be stupid enough to give yourself away like that. You'd trick me by doing what you just said you'd do rather than telling me about it."

Envy had nothing to say to that, despite how much the insult rankled.

Foiled by an alchemist's logic. Twice in a row. That did not translate to a cooperative Homunculus.

"I guess you caught me," Envy replied smoothly, lacing his voice with honey and smiling for all he was worth. Apparently people could hear it when you smiled on the phone. "I was just joking. Of course she's fine, and we're all doing dandy over here. Nothing but gratitude and love and hugs and all that cozy human stuff. You want to talk to her? I'll be more than happy to get her for you. Just stay on the line for a sec'."

Without waiting for a response, Envy put the receiver down on the table.

And then, without another thought, he wandered off to do everything he could think of besides finding Pride's mother.

Ed thinks he can make fun of me and get away with it? Ha! I'll leave him waiting on that phone forever and even if he hangs up, he won't be able to call back. I wonder how long he'll wait before realizing that it's useless. Too bad I can't listen in and see how long it takes him to give up!


He was more than a little annoyed when Pride knocked on his door a mere ten minutes later to ask if he'd been the one responsible for leaving the phone off the hook. He'd been hoping for a better time than that.

At least there was one positive change to Pride being powerless.

For some inexplicable reason, his eldest brother believed him without reservation when he put the blame on Ms. Bradley, suggesting that she must be the culprit because she'd been the last to use it.

Pride being gullible was definitely something he could get used to!


Author's Notes:

Two chapters in one week: Yippee, right? Well, I figure that posting two short chapters should count the same as posting one medium-sized chapter. This is officially the shortest chapter I've posted so far. And it won't be the last! I warned in the beginning that chapter lengths would vary considerably and I meant it. There should be some longer chapters in the near future, so please be patient.