Number of words: 5,237
Published date: September 22, 2013
Began chapter: August 21, 2013
Finished chapter: September 22, 2013
Chapter 27: Advance of the Fool
Big Brother was right. I didn't understand how much work this would take. I thought it would be easy...
It was the day following Selim and Envy's "fight" (if it could be called that) and Selim could not recall a time when he had felt so dispirited before.
Rationally, he knew that he had faced difficult times in the past. Confessing to Mother that he retained his memories had been one such time. Approaching the Elrics to learn about the Promised Day and approaching them again with his idea to bring back his siblings had been others. He had felt quite low upon discovering that Lust and Envy thought there might be a plan to get their Stones back and he was definitely disheartened by their dissatisfaction with the situation; he felt at a loss as to what he could do about them.
This, though... This was different somehow, more upsetting, and lying on his bed with rheum from sleep still in his eyes and his mother's precious photograph sitting beside his alarm clock, Selim tried to sort out what to do.
On the face of it, Envy's concern is justified, Selim thought grudgingly. He doesn't know Mother very well yet and it's true that she hasn't picked up on any of the signs about Wrath. It's not impossible that she could give something away without meaning to, and Envy did say he didn't mean Mother would give us away on purpose. Which means I should probably apologize.
Apologizing to Envy was something that had never, ever crossed the boy's mind before.
What would I be apologizing for, though? he argued with himself stubbornly. He practically admitted he just wants to take me down a peg! He doesn't care so much that Mother could get us in trouble as he cares about stirring me up and trying to manipulate things to go his way!
This, Selim realized, should not have been in the least bit surprising. The Homunculi were career manipulators - Selim included - and Envy had found a loophole in Selim and the Elrics' measures to keep him in line. Envy was more vulnerable than the others due to the way his body had been created and, just like the others, he could not risk killing his brother when they shared the same Stone. Selim had thought he held enough authority to demand obedience and, even if he didn't, Envy had to know that the Elrics would show no mercy if he ran away or tried to harm Ms. Bradley. It had seemed to them that they held the leash, but Envy had realized what they hadn't: that the Fuhrer's widow was a weak link and they needed him to cooperate and play along with the lies to her. If he chose not to, if he chose to reveal the more horrible parts of their story to Ms. Bradley, things could quickly become...
Difficult, to put it mildly.
Selim would do anything to keep his mother from finding out about the horrors he had committed over his long life. And he would do everything he could to prevent her from finding out King Bradley's true identity. She had protected him, so he had to do the same for her.
His eyes fell to the side, focusing on the picture.
I should have realized this would set Envy off. That's what Big Brother said he was jealous of, after all: Friendship and family. And when it comes to those things, he's always known how to twist them into pain somehow, whether with a lie or with the truth.
Selim could easily remember instances of both, where Envy had betrayed with the face of a lover or spouse or had brought up a person's dark secrets to taint where once had been only trust. Back when he had been Pride, when the only thing he'd been concerned about was fulfilling Father's plan and grinding the human insects under his feet, Selim remembered his faint resentment that Envy could toy with their feelings in a way that he couldn't. If he had been in a playful mood, his shadows could stalk a human for days, weeks, months, until he drove them insane with fear and paranoia, but Envy's powers allowed him to toy with them on a much more personal level. Revealing Wrath's identity and causing the old widow to question every pleasant memory was right up Envy's alley.
But what can I do about it? Selim wondered restlessly.
Briefly, he considered being honest. The child in him would have no trouble apologizing for every mistreatment he had ever made Envy suffer (or imagine to suffer, for Envy, being as sensitive as he was, could find insult where none had been intended); Pride, far less so. He was getting tired of playing the child role in that regard, tired of the others reacting as if he was a stranger or an actor. Not to mention, Selim reasoned, Envy is no fool when it comes to manipulating. He won't for a second believe that I'm being sincere. He's bound to think I'm just saying whatever will make him do what I want, even if it really is the truth...
Simply asking ("begging" was too strong a word even in his thoughts) Envy not to reveal anything was just as risky, for Envy could easily see it as an acknowledgement of weakness and seize on it rather than accede.
Vulnerability is weakness. The words invaded his thoughts, whispering an ancient mantra that had haunted him for as long as he could remember. Desire is weakness. Fear is weakness. Trust is weakness.
The list of weaknesses was infinite, a million chinks in one's armour that could be exploited and preyed upon. So well he knew, for Pride had delighted in searching out such weaknesses in others, finding whatever chink could be used to help Father.
Selim squeezed his eyes shut, struggling to quiet the old voice of his sin and, when that failed, spoke deliberately into the dark spaciousness of his mind.
I'm not perfect. I can't be perfect. Everyone has weaknesses. That doesn't make me less than anyone else.
How dare Envy try to manipulate me! Me! Pride! After everything I've done, after all the risks I took to bring him back, and he dares use this against me!
It's my fault. I should have expected it. I should have figured out a way to counter it. I missed it. If I'm weak, there's no one to blame but myself.
Envy said I'm still acting like Pride. I thought I was over Pride. I thought I had conquered it. Have I really been acting 'high and mighty', like he said...?
Of course I have been. I've been proud of being humble. I've been pretending that I'm a happy little child so that I can lord over them how well I've adjusted, how easy it is to accept humanity if you're strong and determined enough.
So that I can be better than them.
And there it was, why he was so upset, now plain for him to see:
Envy wasn't just right about Mother; he was right about me. I brushed their struggles aside just to prove that I'm superior.
It hurt. It hurt to realize that he hadn't grown nearly as much as he'd thought.
Even worse that Envy had been the one to point it out. Of all the Homunculi, Envy had always been the one who'd been blind to his own sin; it was an even bigger blow to have the least self-aware of their family point out Selim's own self-delusion.
But... But what should I do about it?
Selim stared at the ceiling, trying to sort out his options, but he realized after a few minutes that his mind, rather than cooperate, had become distracted by a crack in the ceiling and was instead occupying itself with figuring out which transmutation circle would work best to fix it.
Concentrate, he admonished, but his thoughts only replied, The earth square would work well with the plaster. I wonder what kind of paint that is. I might need to add the sublimation formula to account for the drying reaction of the paint with the air, but it'll depend on whether it's oil-based or acrylic...
There was a gentle knock on his door.
"Selim? Are you awake?"
"Uh-huh," he responded, though with sleep it came out more like a grunt.
The door inched open just wide enough for Ms. Bradley to poke her head into the room.
"Are you feeling all right, dear? It's almost 8:30."
Selim blinked and turned his head to the side, then rubbed his eyes to better read the time on his clock. She was right. He knew he'd turned his alarm off a while ago, but he hadn't realized he'd been lying there for almost an hour.
"I'm fine, Mother. Just... thinking," he mumbled, stifling a yawn. He started to roll the rest of the way out of bed, but stopped when Ms. Bradley came into the room and sat down beside him on the edge of the bed, her face soft but serious.
"... About Envy?" she asked gently. He nodded and struggled with the sheets so that he could sit up. "What was he angry about?"
Selim shook his head. "It's not... I mean, I can't really... Envy's always upset over one thing or another. It's nothing for you to worry about."
"If Envy is upset and you're upset, then it most certainly is my business," she corrected sternly, showing the firmer side of herself that Wrath had been so taken with. "Now tell me what's wrong."
Selim wavered. He wanted to confide in his step-mother, but he also knew that Envy's true concern – that she would give them away unwittingly – was an awkward admission and her inevitably indignant response could lead to tricky waters. Talking about Pride was just as difficult a topic and it was a struggle with himself that he didn't really want his mother to know about (never mind that he had no clue how to explain it without revealing too much about the Homunculi). As he tried to figure out what would be an acceptable answer, his eyes fell back to the framed photo of the Bradley family. Ms. Bradley followed his gaze.
"What's this doing here?" she asked.
"Envy took it from the living room," Selim explained as she picked up the picture. "I think that's what upset him."
She rubbed at the fingerprints on the glass with the edge of her shawl. "But why?" she asked, confused.
"'Cause we look so happy," Selim replied simply. "There's nothing Envy can't stand as much as others being happy when he isn't."
Her hand stilled in its rubbing. The old woman frowned pensively for a moment, giving Selim the opportunity to get up, slip on his fuzzy slippers (even in summer, the bare floor was cold when he'd just gotten out of bed), and pad over to his dresser to hunt for some clean clothes. Even if he no longer had to dress as nicely as when they'd lived in Central, Mother still never allowed him to wear his pyjamas during the daytime. Which only made him want to wear them more. Greed could probably sympathize with the feeling.
"Envy... the Jealous," she murmured behind him. It wasn't a question so much as her thinking out loud, but Selim felt a little gratified that she was able to reason out that much without any help. It was all very well for Envy to suggest she'd give them away out of ignorance, but to accuse her of being stupid was over the line. "He said his name was because others were- But of course he would lie about it. Selim, you should have told me this picture would upset him."
"I didn't know either."
"Maybe I should talk to him."
"About what?" Selim asked in astonishment, turning around to see if his mother was serious.
"I don't know," she admitted, "but if he's upset because of me..."
"He's not upset because of you," Selim hastened to assure her. "Envy's just worried that we'll be discovered by the wrong people. He doesn't trust human intelligence very much."
"So I've noticed," she replied dryly, which made Selim stare – it wasn't like her to be sarcastic, especially with him – until she smiled and shook her head to indicate she'd been joking, or at least that she hadn't meant it in a mean way. "He doesn't seem to think much of anyone, does he?"
Rather than smile in response as he was supposed to, Selim only pressed his lips together. It would be pretty hypocritical, he thought, to jump on Envy judging others considering his own sin was composed of little else. He turned back around, unbuttoning and wriggling out of his pyjama top and quickly tugging on the shirt he'd picked out over his head. It made her next words muffled, though still audible.
"I did hear a bit of what he said and I'm probably saying something ridiculous again, but it seemed to me like he just wants to be treated better."
'Treated better'? Selim thought, slightly stunned. I didn't even think of it that way. I was just thinking that he wanted to manipulate me, but was that what he was getting at?
"I haven't seen you two spend any time together. Is there anything he enjoys doing that you two could share?"
Insulting humans, manipulating humans, and killing humans were the main things we shared in common…
"I don't know. We weren't all that close," Selim admitted, keeping those last thoughts to himself.
"Then why don't you just ask?" she suggested brightly.
"It- It's not that easy, Mother. I can't just… We didn't have that kind of relationship," Selim protested weakly.
"Nonsense," his mother declared. "Why, now that I think about it, I remember going through a phase like that when I was a teenager. Moody, snappy, acting like I didn't want anyone to come near me. I don't know how my parents ever put up with me, slamming doors and screaming at them." Selim gaped at her. The image of his mother acting even remotely like that was too much for the child to handle; she rambled on without noticing his goggle-eyed expression. "But they managed and eventually I grew out of it. And you know, I didn't really want people to go away. I just wanted to be sure they'd still love me even when I wasn't lovable. He's probably just waiting for you to approach him."
"I- I really don't think it's that simple..."
"I could talk to him for you."
"No, that's... not a good idea," Selim quickly said, internally shuddering at how badly things could go if Ms. Bradley started talking to Envy with such an assumption in mind. Not that it was necessarily untrue, and thus far Envy had been tolerating the old woman's attempts at friendliness with more grace than the others would have expected, but the odds were definitely in favour of him flipping out if he realized that she thought he wanted anything of the sort.
Ms. Bradley looked exasperated by the instant rejection of her suggestions. "I'm just trying to help, dear," she murmured, sounding hurt.
"I know, Mother. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm just not sure what to do. In my head, this was a lot easier."
"Now Selim, you may be older than me, but you are allowed to take others' advice sometimes."
Selim's head snapped up in alarm. "How- Who told you that?" he demanded in surprise.
Ms. Bradley frowned at his tone of voice. She also seemed to realize that it was not a good time to get Envy into more trouble, for she answered vaguely, "It doesn't matter who told me; it's not a big deal. I was just so surprised to hear how old you-"
"Envy told you, didn't he?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"I told him not to tell you! He went behind my back. He can't do that!"
"Young man! I may not be as old as you and I may not be able to turn you over my knee anymore, but if you interrupt me again, I am sure I can find someone to do the job for me."
Selim snapped his mouth shut with a click, looked down, shuffled his feet awkwardly, and murmured an apology. He hadn't meant to make her snap at him like that. Indeed, it was so rare for her to get angry that he honestly couldn't remember the last time it had happened. The worst he could recall had been from before, when he had physically gone to visit Father underground and somehow he and Wrath had not coordinated his absence properly. Lily had been beside herself when she thought he'd gone missing and had, in between tears and hugs when he returned safe and sound (and frankly flabbergasted by all the emotion), reprimanded him up one side and down the other. He had chaffed so much at the scolding (by a human nonetheless!) that Pride had made special efforts to avoid transgressing in the future; he had not been confident that he could maintain his child act in the face of more motherly admonishments.
In a far calmer tone, Ms. Bradley continued, "Don't you think this is what he's upset about? You've been awfully harsh with him. Maybe you ought to try overlooking the things that don't cause any harm."
"But if I do that, he'll think he's getting away with it!"
"It wasn't something to 'get away with', it just came out. Nobody likes to be blamed when something was just an accident. And if you bring it up, Envy will get mad at me for getting him into trouble."
In the face of realizing that his humility had been a sham and being at a loss for any wiser course of action, Selim gave in.
"Alright, Mother. I won't bring it up. And… I'll try to be less harsh."
He had to conclude, taking his brother at (mostly) face value, that that was really all that Envy wanted. It would be hard, Selim thought, to free himself from the habit of treating his younger sibling like an idiot and to remember that he was no longer a step below Father, but Pride had a way of showing up even in a situation like this:
Selim was determined to change.
And in as perfect a way as possible.
1. Introduction: What is Alchemy?
2. Exploring the Principal Law of Alchemy: Equivalent Exchange
a. The Law of Conservation of Mass
b. The Law of Natural Providence
3. The Steps of a Transmutation: Comprehension, Deconstruction, and Reconstruction
4. Transmutation Circles
a. Main Features
b. The Four Elements and their Uses
c. Interpreting the Transmutational Formula
...
Had she any say in it, this was how an introductory alchemy text would be laid out, Lust thought with a roll of her eyes as she thumbed through Selim's beginner's textbook. Clear. Concise. Easy to understand. None of this beating about the bush with arcane mumbo-jumbo, technical terms and symbolic language meant to disguise and confuse. Even though she already had a basic understanding of alchemy, Lust highly doubted that a true beginner would find the text in her hands very 'user-friendly'.
It's as if the writer is intentionally making the topic difficult to dissuade prospective students, Lust mused wryly and in fact, this was very much the case, for right in the opening pages, the author spoke of alchemy's dangers and warned that only those who were willing to completely devote themselves to the science should take up its practice. She was reminded of the few times she had looked at the research notes of the alchemists working in the 5th Lab.
...
The click of her heels on the tiled floor alerted him to her presence.
He turned, but did not greet her. His face tightened when he saw who she was. She ignored the poor reception.
"How goes the research, Crystal Alchemist?"
The face that stared back at her was different, already grown haggard and haunted in the few short months since he had been assigned as lead researcher on the military's Philosopher's Stone creation project. The man was far from young for a human – probably in his late 40s – but she was certain that the greying at his temples had not been so prominent when he had first taken the position. Lines of worry cut deep across his forehead and his eyebrows were pulled down, creating a permanent furrow above his aquiline nose.
When she had first met him, Dr. Tim Marcoh had been brimming with enthusiasm and excitement, eager to take on the project, and who wouldn't be? It was the highest work an alchemist could hope to achieve. No alchemist who understood what the Philosopher's Stone represented could be indifferent to it – the legends by themselves were enough to leave most alchemists drooling with desire - and the Crystal Alchemist's superiors had promised that the key to creating the Stone came from a reliable source (Father, though the small fry researchers were not told this).
Lust herself had been the one to deliver the formula. Ordinarily, Envy was the one who dealt with the military, stealing authority along with a body or being granted authority by Wrath, but he had been busy in Ishval at the time (or so he claimed, but more likely he'd just wanted to stick around to enjoy the war he'd instigated). And truthfully, Lust hadn't needed to deliver the formula in person – she could have left the papers with someone from Military Command – but she had been curious to see the researchers for herself. Sometimes manipulating from the shadows was boring. There was no risk in it; the research was so classified that the men were lucky they were allowed to go home at the end of the day. To them, she was a mystery, but none of their business, and at the very least the military taught its soldiers to keep their noses out from where they didn't belong.
Marcoh had clearly been confused by her presence and even more confused when she ignored his questions about who she was, how she was connected to the military, whether she was an alchemist, and where she had obtained the information she gave them. Despite that, his confusion fell to the wayside as his team began their work. Father had provided only the basics of what they needed (He had not explained his reasoning to her, but she supposed it was so that the humans would believe they held more power than they actually did.) and Lust had to assume that he had not spelled out the Stone's main ingredient, for in the few instances she had checked on their status, Marcoh had seemed undisturbed and so was likely still ignorant of that fact.
The researchers had clearly made a breakthrough, for the Crystal Alchemist had gone downhill since her last visit.
Lust couldn't understand it, of course. All scientists knew that discovery sometimes required sacrifice. Alchemists knew better than most that something of worth could not be obtained without great cost. The sacrifice of a few humans for a Philosopher's Stone... In her mind, it was completely logical and hardly a thing to get conflicted over. And yet here was this man, appearing to have lost weight and sleep and shadowed by a dark pall of reluctance and disgust with himself, his superiors, and her.
"... What are you?" he asked. "How did you learn this? You must know what the Stone is made of. Do you have any idea what this knowledge will do? What it means?"
She moved past him, momentarily ignoring the alchemist to study the papers scattered across his desk. She had expected to see notes that were somewhat familiar to her, diagrams of the sun and moon and animals and such, for that's what Father's notes consisted of. Instead, Lust arched an eyebrow in surprise: The top papers appeared to be recipes.
Baffled, she shifted some of the papers to look at the notes underneath only to find more food-related writing. She had no idea what to make of this odd deviation from the expected topic, but then became aware that Marcoh was watching her and, unwilling to betray ignorance to a human, she smiled at him demurely and turned her back to the desk.
"My, my. No need to be so rude, Doctor. It's true I knew, but you act as if I'm not even human." She smirked at that, though he likely thought she was just teasing him. "The sacrifice of a few lives will help us end the Ishvalan conflict. By ending the conflict sooner, we will end up saving many more lives that would otherwise be lost. 'What am I?' You should think of me as an angel, not a demon."
Dr. Marcoh hesitated. "What do you mean? How will a Stone help us in Ishval?"
She shrugged, pulling her shoulders forward in a calculated motion that briefly emphasized her breasts and the milky white skin at her collarbone.
"Why, I am sure a Philosopher's Stone could save many lives in the hands of a skilled medical alchemist," she murmured, giving him a smoky look that mingled desire with admiration. "Soldiers wouldn't need to die from their wounds if someone like you was there to heal them."
The man, unlike so many she had manipulated, seemed rather immune to her flirting. She knew that he was a rare type – rather than burden a woman with his demanding work schedule and obsessive research only to be left by her years down the road, he had remained unmarried and instead used community involvement as a surrogate – but it still annoyed Lust that her charm was not working the way it usually did. Nevertheless, her words were having the effect she'd wanted: Marcoh looked, if far from happy, still less conflicted than he'd been just minutes before.
Of course, what she said was a complete lie: Marcoh's superiors had zero interest in saving their soldiers' lives. As soon as the first Stone was created, Wrath would sign the order that would send the State Alchemists into Ishval as weapons, and the most appropriate alchemist would be given the Stone to exact as much destruction and death as possible. But as long as Marcoh could rationalize that the Stone would save lives, he should remain compliant and that was all they needed.
And if he didn't… Well, he could always be replaced.
…
Lust had later learned, through careful observation, that most alchemists wrote in code. As much as 'alchemy should be for the people', alchemists were extremely cautious, fearing what would happen if their research fell into the wrong hands. They were also possessive, guarding their knowledge jealously because they knew they would lose status if someone else seized their research and improved upon it. It was rare for an alchemist to seek out another's help, knowing as they did that they would need to give credit, and most alchemists' exchanges involved a more practical "equivalent exchange" than that which ruled their science. Overall, they were not generous creatures.
The codes alchemists used to disguise their research were varied. Dr. Marcoh wrote in recipes and Lust had come to realize that the potential for hiding information in recipes was nearly unlimited. Type of dish, duration, method and temperature of cooking, the order and blending of ingredients, as well as the ingredients themselves, could easily hide the various instructions for alchemy. Another alchemist in the lab had made notes in the form of a weather log, and it was only by comparing the dates he gave with the actual weather that Lust saw there was no correlation between the two.
Knowing all this did not make her less annoyed at how the book was written. Half an hour of reading and flipping between the first few pages and she was already frustrated.
I shouldn't have discussed this with Envy. Even though I said it might take years, he's going to expect me to master this in no time at all, and from what I can see, that's definitely not going to happen.
Not that she couldn't learn alchemy, Lust thought. No, she was quite confident that she could learn it. It was merely that it would be more of a hassle than she'd anticipated. It would take a significant investment before she could memorize enough to read without flipping back every few sentences to refer to a word's meaning. It seemed that every term in alchemy held multiple definitions and, even more frustrating, the meanings were layered depending on the situation. It was like looking up a word in the dictionary only to need to look up three words in the definition in order to understand the original.
The sound of footsteps in the hall outside her room signalled that the household was starting to wake up. Furtively, Lust tucked the alchemy text back under her mattress. She thought Pride wouldn't barge in without knocking, but it was better to be safe than sorry and it was possible Gluttony at least might forget and bring Pride in with him without knocking. She had trained him to knock, but sometimes when he was excited to see her he forgot.
When she entered the kitchen, Ms. Bradley and Gluttony greeted her. As was becoming usual, they were happily working on something new for breakfast, and Lust had to admit that she was both impressed and pleased to see that Gluttony had improved with the chore in such a short span of time. He knew where the dishes were, he knew where the ingredients were, he recognized all the different spices, and he had memorized the sizes of the measuring spoons. Perhaps the others could be excused for not recognizing Gluttony's potential, but Lust felt some chagrin that she too had doubted that he had any intelligence worth developing.
The two of them were working on different things. Not wanting to disturb Ms. Bradley (or perhaps feeling that he'd been neglecting his sister), Gluttony came over to her at the alcove table with the recipe book.
"Lust, can you read this for me?" he asked, holding out the book for her.
She didn't mind, but she was completely unprepared for Lily's reaction, for the old woman turned, her face bright with excitement and purpose.
"I knew it! I thought you couldn't- Oh, but I didn't want to say anything until I was certain. Gluttony, if you'd like, I'd be happy to teach you how to read. And I'm sure Lust would love to help too."
Bad enough, Lust thought in vexation, that she volunteered me without asking. Even worse that she couldn't back out of it, because Gluttony looked as thrilled by the suggestion as Lily looked eager. And didn't I just think that Gluttony is showing more intelligence than we gave him credit for?
But when Ms. Bradley asked whether she thought Sloth would like to learn to read as well, Lust could only shake her head and sympathize with Envy's statement from the night before.
Teach Sloth?
The woman was nice, but absolutely dense.
Author's Notes:
Timing of events in Ishval: It is unclear what the order of events was in the Ishvalan War. From the manga, it looks like the first Stone was created immediately after the State Alchemists were sent in to fight. In the anime, the chronology isn't entirely linear, but again, the Stone appears to have been created sometime after the State Alchemists enter Ishval. I am saying that the Stone was actually created shortly before the order because if the State Alchemists were already in Ishval, one would expect Dr. Marcoh to have realized that it would be used as a weapon and that he would have resisted making the Stone. Of course, this puts Marcoh in a better light than even he puts himself (he admits after his fight with Envy that he's always just done what he's told, suggesting meekly creating a Stone no matter how it would be used was not outside his character), but I want to suggest that he was holding out hope of less atrocious purposes – mostly because this showcases Lust manipulating someone (which we don't get to see a whole lot of in canon).
Alchemy codes: I also admit that Lust was alive for three hundred years before canon, so she probably discovered that alchemists keep their notes in code long before this. I just didn't want to create a new character to portray that lesson.
In my opinion, this chapter isn't all that interesting (making it harder to write and wrap up), but I wanted to spend some time in Pride's mind. This was a good time for it and I've been reading some stuff recently (non-FMA related) that's given me some ideas for Pride's character and that is putting him in a new light. Although it's hidden on the surface, Pride is a self-destructive sin and inside it manifests as a tangle of fear and self-delusion. I expect the next chapter to be much liked, then there will be a short arc, then another history lesson, and then we shall go to Dublith (which I am sure people have been waiting for!).
