Better Alone

Apartment 501, Seattle, WA 2011

She was cooking chicken. She was leafing through Mark's spice cabinet to cover up the fact that she had no idea what she was doing. Most of the time he cooked and she wanted to do something nice for him for a change. God, she'd never be a housewife. She was describing everything she did like she was on a cooking show, a little fantasy she had in her head sometimes that there was someone out there watching her. And he was smiling along with everything she said like he wasn't about to dump a sac of potatoes on her head. He didn't want to hurt her, he really didn't. But the potatoes had to fall and he really wanted this kid. And it was happening now, he wasn't gonna have to wait ten years until Lexie had finished her residency. But he loved her. He loved her and her stupid narration. The chaotic way she cooked and her opinions on various herbs.

"Callie's pregnant." The words came flying out of his face.

Lexie turned around, "oh my god! That's great. She loves babies." Mark smiled, enjoying the bliss of her ignorance for just a second. Then he watched her stumble around trying to work out how Callie could possibly be pregnant. There were various theories before it clicked in her mind. She dropped the spatula she was holding onto the counter. He saw in her eyes, the exact moment at which she worked it out. It was like all the colour faded from her face. Her eyes welled, her lip quivered. She didn't cry, not yet. No, that would come later. She'd cry on Meredith's lap and pretend that it didn't bother her that much when she woke up the next morning. And when she didn't call into work the next day just to avoid him, to avoid all three of them. Didn't he realise how much this hurt? How dragging her back into this only caused more and more endless pain? Then she blamed herself. She bullied herself for putting herself back into his arms. For feeling so safe and loved for a tiny moment before all hell broke loose and the walls came crashing down.

Her heart sank. Her head tilted to the side as she looked at him. Disappointment blooming in her chest that ached. He had the audacity to smile. "It's my kid," he said. He didn't say anything else. He knew what she was thinking.

She picked up a dish cloth, then put it back down again, thinking. She couldn't look at him. It wasn't his fault, she couldn't blame him. It was a catch twenty-two. She didn't care that he'd slept with Callie when they weren't properly together, because that must be what had happened. She didn't care about that, he had committed to her. This was an unfortunate afterthought that she had to deal with and she had a choice. Stay and help with the baby, get lumbered with everything she didn't want when she'd just started imagining her own future with him. Or leave. She felt betrayed by the universe for putting her in this position. Everything was just starting to work out again.

"I trusted you." She said lightly, "I had faith and blind hope and I was just starting to trust you again." With every word her voice broke a little more, the tears had started to clog up her throat, make the words warm and liquidy. She brought her hands up to her face and began to wipe the tears away, "I can't do this Mark. Not again." She turned away from him and walking around to his side of the counter. "This is unbelievable." She snapped, letting her anger out on him. Guilt be damned.

She picked up her stuff and ran out the door, slamming it loudly against the hinges. Mark sat silently. There was nothing he could do. He loved her but that wasn't enough, the situation was too complicated. This wasn't just going to go away like Sloan had, this baby would be forever.

The elevator dinged shut. Lexie's bag was already on the floor as she slid her back down the wall. She let the tears come in full flux. She let everything she'd tried to avoid affect her. She wiped her eyes but it wouldn't wipe the stain on her heart. Why could she never have easy? Why couldn't easy come in on a plate that she could pick off? No, she had to love him.

She couldn't find her key amongst the distress so she banged on the door. "Lexie what's the matter?" A tired, rubbing-her-eyes Meredith said, opening the door and letting her sister inside. This only brought on another wave of tears as she collapsed onto the couch. Derek was upstairs, everyone else was still at the hospital or asleep. The room was empty.

"Mark." She said. Full stop. "He's-he's have-having a baby with Cal-Callie." Lexie said through sobs, her hands not enough to wipe it off now. Meredith was a little taken aback but she sat down on the couch next to Lexie's feet.

"Oh," was all she could reply with.

"I love him Meredith. I-I still love him and it hurts. I trusted him." Meredith leaned down and did the only thing she could think of to do. She stroked Lexie's hair and made sure she got to bed alright. She wasn't drunk, not at all, but she was still so weepy. She slept through and was almost late the next day. That's when Meredith suggested she take the day off, chill out. She wouldn't have to see him, a least not for another day. Small mercies.