A/N: A funny one...nice and fluffy.

HERS

"Home sweet home!" Shepard said as she flopped onto the couch. I could just sleep here for years. "I told you I hate hospitals."

"Having a baby in the tub at home amazingly well doesn't mean you shouldn't get checked out to make sure everything is ok…for both of you." Kaidan looked down at the tiny sleeping boy he was carrying. Shepard smiled. Damn, he looks hot as a father.

"I know, and I'll give them this," she said, "they wait on a mom hand and foot! We need to hire those nurses as maids!" Ready to bring me food and drink at any time. Be up on call with the baby all night long. Fantastic.

"Have you gotten soft, Rachel? The woman I knew didn't like being coddled," Kaidan teased.

"Hey, bucko, squeeze a damn 10 pound ball out between your legs and see if you don't like some pampering."

"Well, madam, I think Eli would like some time with his mother." He eased the now rustling baby into Shepard's arms.

Her face went serious as she tried to get Eli to eat. Come on, buddy, lunchtime. He grew increasingly fussy and started to cry loudly. "Am I doing something wrong here? He not trying to eat," said Shepard.

"Maybe he's not hungry," Kaidan offered.

Now Eli was full on screaming and the two Spectres looked at him in wide-eyed concern. "What's the matter?" hissed Shepard.

"Check his diaper."

"But we just changed him when we got out of the car," she protested.

"Fine, I will." Kaidan took the shrieking child and opened his clothes, taking a peek inside the tiny diaper. "God, yes, he needs changed." He handed the baby back to Shepard.

"What. The. Fuck. No. You do it, Daddy." Shepard pushed out her hands, forcing him back.

"I don't think so," he said, moving over her hands and laying Eli right into the crooks of her elbows. "I have work to do. I'm a couple days behind because of you two. Besides you need to learn how some time. No nurses." Kaidan stood and walked into another room.

"Bastard," Shepard whispered. Kaidan is so going to pay for this. No sex ever again….well, shit, that's punishing me too. Damnit.

With one arm, she carried Eli into his nursery, where Kaidan's mom had stocked it with all the necessities just a week earlier. Thank God for Emily.

She laid the baby down on the changing table and pulled out a diaper and some wipes. "Ok, kid, let's make a deal, I'm going to open this up and clean you and you are going to be happy."

"Oh my God!" she whispered as she opened the diaper. "How much shit can you make, Eli?" She removed the offensive undergarment and reached for a wipe when her arm was hit by an errant spray from her son.

"Damnit! Gross!" She proceeded to wipe off her own wet arm and then gently cleaned the baby's bottom. "You know, Eli, I've seen some nasty shit in my days, but…this…aww, hell, it just keeps spreading around!" She was pulling wipes furiously as she tried to get some semblance of clean. Then she noticed that he had soiled his clothing as well. "Oh, come on!"

She pulled the clothing over his head, tossing it to the floor. More wipes as she cleaned little Eli's back. When she was finally satisfied, she pulled the clean diaper over to cover him and tightly fastened the sides. Then she searched for a clean outfit, which happened to be laid out right beside the diapers. That woman is uncanny. How'd she know?

"There. Done. Not bad for a first time," she said to herself proudly.

Kaidan stood in the doorway and applauded. "So the great Commander Shepard has overcome after all?" he chuckled.

"Can it, Alenko," said Shepard without turning around as she redressed the tiny boy.

Kaidan's arms snaked around her waist. "Was it really that bad?"

She grunted in reply. "You have no idea. The next diaper is yours."

HIS

Kaidan walked slowly toward the doorway, trailing behind Shepard as they finally arrived at home. She unlocked the door and nearly bounded over to the couch. "Home sweet home! I told you I hate hospitals."

"Having a baby in the tub at home amazingly well doesn't mean you shouldn't get checked out to make sure everything is ok…for both of you." He smiled down at the dark haired boy in his arms. How could anything be so perfect?

"I know," she sighed loudly, "and I'll give them this, they wait on a mom hand and foot! We need to hire those nurses as maids!" One little baby and she's suddenly lazy…

Kaidan snorted loudly. "Have you gotten soft, Rachel? The woman I knew didn't like being coddled."

"Hey, bucko, squeeze a damn 10 pound ball out between your legs and see if you don't like some pampering," she growled.

Shaking his head and sitting beside her on the couch, he handed the baby over to his wife. "Well, madam, I think Eli would like some time with his mother."

His heart melted a little watching her hands move tenderly to cradle the boy as she got ready to feed him. "Am I doing something wrong here? He not trying to eat," said Shepard.

Kaidan shrugged as he looked at the now fussy baby. "Maybe he's not hungry."

A screech erupted suddenly from the boy. "What's the matter?" hissed Shepard.

Kaidan ran through a mental checklist. Not hungry. Just sleeping and woke up, so probably not tired…"Check his diaper."

Shepard looked confused. "But we just changed him when we got out of the car."

Kaidan gave an amused smile as he took the baby. "Fine, I will." As he checked the diaper, he saw and smelled the problem. "God, yes, he needs changed," he cringed. Here you go, Mama. I'm not doing this.

"What. The. Fuck. No. You do it, Daddy."

He cocked an eyebrow. "I don't think so. I have work to do. I'm a couple days behind because of you two. Besides you need to learn how some time. No nurses." Kaidan had made sure they showed him how to change a diaper before they left the hospital. Shepard conveniently ducked out of those lessons.

"Bastard," he heard Shepard say as he walked into another room. Bullet dodged. He smiled and bit his tongue.

He sat down at the desk and opened his console. He had looked at the subjects of a few messages when he started to feel guilty. I really should go help her…

"Damnit! Gross!" came a voice from the nursery. Kaidan decided to investigate. As he walked up to the doorway, he saw Shepard hastily pulling a bunch of wipes from the container. He had to stifle a laugh at the frustration he saw.

"You know, Eli, I've seen some nasty shit in my days, but…this…aww, hell, it just keeps spreading around! Oh, come on!" His eyes closed as his body shook from unreleased laughter.

Kaidan moved back into the hallway for a minute as he regained his composure. When he peeked back in, she had finished putting on the clean diaper. She held up the now much happier baby and looked at him. "There. Done. Not bad for a first time." Just as proud of this as of anything else she's ever done.

He couldn't hold in his laughter anymore, so he clapped for her job well done. "So the great Commander Shepard has overcome after all?"

"Can it, Alenko."

He snuggled up to her in support. "Was it really that bad?"

"You have no idea," she scowled. "The next diaper is yours."

Kaidan just smiled. Not if I can help it.