A one time only Point of View. Necessary, I think. Enjoy... kinda. -frowns-
I don't own SoN. Just the ones that don't belong.
72 - Full House (Ace Is Low)
Tracey's PoV
Her grey eyes had me falling all over my feet when we first met. She had a simple way about her that could just make me feel easy and calm. Alex Carlin was a sweet quiet girl who wanted to keep to herself. I think she was afraid of opening up and not knowing what to do once the world got to experience how beautiful and creative she really was.
Once her wings started to spread more and more, she started slipping a little as well. It was like she never really got to discover herself before she was embraced by swarming fans, a very supportive girlfriend and countless wannabes.
We became really close friends when she had a break from touring and came to visit me, wanting to escape her own reality. She attended all of my games and practices, cheering me on until one night, right after I finished changing; Alex grabbed me into a heated embrace and kissed me so hard in front of my team mates.
Of course having the Alex Carlin kiss me was something people buzzed about for months on end. But she was mine and I was going to do everything in my willpower to keep it that way.
Alex didn't like to talk about Samantha Taylor. She often avoided any interview question regarding her and definitely nicked her out of any of our conversations. I figured she was a little heartbroken over the semi-public break up. I'd be too. Sam was her high school sweetheart and I was worried I couldn't compare.
Alex made me feel otherwise when we first started dating. She looked at me and I felt like I knew where I belonged in her life. She'd smiled and we were all that mattered.
At least that was what I thought.
I decided to surprise her one day, after telling her that I wouldn't be able to make it to one of her shows while she was in town. I wanted to be the one to grace a smile upon her features for once with a surprised gesture.
Turned out I was the one who was left mouth wide open and a whirlwind of emotions swirling through me. Seeing my girlfriend naked with her naked ex-girlfriend on top of her; it was really hard to digest.
I never thought I'd be able to forgive her. I never thought I'd find myself in her arms and in her bed a few days later confessing that as long as it didn't happen again, we'd work through it.
"So how long are you in town for?" Spencer smiled, breaking me out of my thoughts. She sat down beside me, handing me a glass of wine.
"I'm heading back tomorrow." I smiled thankfully and licked my lips, taking a sip of the smooth red wine.
"That's a shame," she laughed softly, "I'm sure Alex wishes it were longer."
I chanced a glance at the beautiful raven haired Carlin and bit my lip a little. I shrugged slightly, watching the way her eyes lit up every time Sam would smile at her.
Spencer caught on and cleared her throat. "They've always had a hard history."
"Yeah." I muttered silently and continued to watch on as Carmen dragged Sammy away to dance with Lucas and Dylan in the middle of the living room. Alex's eyes never left her ex girlfriend's but finally they caught me watching her. She gave me a small wave and shy smile before her long legs brought her towards me.
"That's my cue to find my sexy fiancée." Spencer squeezed my leg and I grabbed her wrist softly.
"Congrats Spence." I said simply with a genuine smile and she smiled back before taking off towards the kitchen.
"I remember you being a lot more 'party girl' at these New Years Day Carlin functions." Alex smiled as she took Spencer's previous spot.
"Yeah sorry, I'm just feeling a little drained." I gave her a small apologetic smile, lacing my fingers together in my lap. "Don't let me drain your fun though Alex."
"You're not." She frowned slightly, her eyes raking over every inch of my face. "What's wrong?"
"I'm just tired." I said simply and inhaled deeply. I looked back over to where Sam and Carmen were dancing together in their own world.
"Want me to take you home? We can just relax before you have to leave in the morning. I know you don't like travelling after staying up late." Alex was a sweetheart regardless of how she was feeling. I often wondered if she even knew how she felt about everything.
"You can stay here." I stood up and place my glass on the coffee table. "I know how much you like to stay up late with your family, especially since there have been two new editions." I pointed to Dylan and Ashley shoving Spencer towards the makeshift dance floor.
"But you're my family too." She whispered a little too softly.
"Alex, like I said, don't let me ruin your fun okay?" I cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead. "I'll see you when you get home."
"Trace," she pleaded and grabbed my hand, "something's wrong. What aren't you telling me?"
"Right here and right now really isn't the time." I whispered in a hushed tone before rubbing my forehead, trying to ignore the confused and pained look cross Alex's face. "We'll talk when you get home." I grabbed my glass and brought it into the kitchen before telling everyone goodnight and hoped I'd see them again soon.
Alex walked me out to the car and leaned against the cold window. "I'll come home if you want me too."
"I want you to do whatever it is you want to do." I turned the key and started up the car. "Can you get a ride home?"
She glanced back over to Sammy's rental and nodded. I swallowed and shut the door after kissing her briefly. "Trace…"
"I'll see you in a bit." I smiled a little and started to roll the window up.
--
It wasn't even a couple of hours after I arrived home that I heard a vehicle pull up in the driveway. I heard Alex's voice and then unmistakably Sammy's. A few minutes later the front door opened and there she stood.
"Wasn't expecting you home so soon." I sat up from my lying position on the couch and turned the TV volume on mute.
"Did I disappoint you?" Alex whispered, taking off her coat. "I mean all night you've been practically avoiding me. You go back to New York tomorrow and I just figured you'd be more eager to spend time with me."
I couldn't help but laugh a little, standing up. "Are you serious?" I shook my head and sighed, not wanting to get into anything heavy but if not then, when? "Are you listening to yourself Alexis? I came back home to spend time with you. I wanted to be with you. But while I was seeing you, you were seeing her." I swallowed and wiped my hands on my jeans, pacing on the living room carpet. I didn't want those words to ooze jealousy but I could only take so much.
"Are- are you jealous?" Alex's soft voice wafted through the silence a few minutes later. "We're just friends."
"Get off it, you were never just friends." I shot her a look and ran my hands through my hair. The room was starting to get a little warmer. My heart was pounding faster and I knew that what I had to do was going to either break us or make us. "I get that she's important to you, I really do. I got that a long time ago but I just thought maybe, just maybe we could actually make things work between us. I allowed myself to believe that you were happy."
"I am!" Alex raised her voice slightly.
"But do I make you happy?" I whispered and didn't dare to look at her. Nothing was said for a couple of seconds before I finally allowed myself to lean against the back of the couch. "I- I should've seen this coming that day on your tour bus."
"We're going back there?" She sighed, biting her lip a little.
"No, but I know that's where we're heading again. And this isn't just about her, Alex. This is about us. Somewhere down the road, we split in two and neither one of us was willing to admit it." I blinked and stared blankly at the muted TV.
"Tracey, what?" Alex stepped closer, her soft fingers finding my arm gently.
I tried to blink back the tears and swallow the lump in my throat. I flinched a little when her hands cupped my face and her watery grey eyes were staring back at me. She knew.
"Why?" The question left her lips broken and scattered.
"You're not in this for the same reasons I was." I whispered, dropping my gaze. The truth was a lot heavier now that it was out in the open.
"I-" Alex dropped her hands to her sides and stepped back, tears visible. "I've been so selfish with my own needs, I know. I tried Tracey, I tried so hard to be who you wanted me to be."
"I wanted that Alex I met in the hockey arena twelve years ago. I wanted that Alex who hung out with me during her down time from her music career. I wanted the Alex who seemed so happy with her life." I spoke softly. "You lost yourself so much along the way and I don't know what to do to bring you back – even if you did, we're so far apart as it is."
"We're really doing this?"
A sobbed escaped my throat because it was killing me inside. It didn't exactly surprise me that she wasn't putting up more of a fight, but that just showed me that she was somewhat on the same page.
"I don't mean to be in love with her." Alex visibly swallowed and tore her eyes away from me with guilt. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would to hear her say that out loud. "I would've never cheated though, I swear."
"Not physically." I whispered and stepped further away from her. "I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore. I'm not going to come back Alex and after tonight, we're going our separate ways. It just hurts so much to be around you; you hurt me so much."
"Oh God I'm so sorry." She slid onto the couch and let her head fall into her hands. "I was so blinded by my own problems; I never even considered what you were going through."
"You never do." I finally sat down next to her. "That was okay with me though because I knew your music helped you out a lot. I tried to pass everything off on how stressful your career could be but I knew deep down-"
"-I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to give you that happy life but instead I just strung you along into a relationship that-"
"-was broken for years." I finished and licked my lips, drying my eyes. "While I was in New York, I met someone. She was really interested in everything I had to say. I think that was when I realized that something very big and crucial was missing with us."
"Are you trying to make me jealous?" Alex frowned, her fists closed tightly.
"No." I snapped slightly, "but it'd be nice if you actually showed some concern. It wasn't even like that with her, okay? She was someone who listened to me and wanted to spend at least a day with me."
"You never mentioned her." Alex glanced at me.
"You never asked." I shrugged. "I love you Alex Carlin and I will always love you. For me, it was real and yes, it would've been great if things were different and we had a Spashley ever after, but you're not my Spencer to my Ashley."
"I don't want to lose you." Alex finally broke down and she looked so pretty in her pain. I sighed and pulled her towards me, her fists clutching at my shirt.
"I wanted to hate you for putting me through this and I wanted to hate you for putting yourself through this. I can't though and that drives me insane – however, I have to walk away Alex. I have to say goodbye and never look back. My heart is already shattered as it is."
"What can I do make it better?" Alex looked up at me. "Please Trace..."
A face that was so beautiful should never be that broken. It was her doing though and I had to keep reminding myself of that fact. Smooth, wet cheeks were stroked softly underneath my thumbs and I felt overwhelmed. "I could've loved you forever, you know?" I whispered sadly against her hot skin. "I could've shown you the world." Lips pressed against the corners of her mouth. "And I think," I pulled back, her teary grey eyes searching my brown ones, "just for tonight, just one night – we should make it all count."
I was only human and I had weaknesses as well. I made mistakes and at that particular moment, it would be my favourite.
No other goodbye had been so bittersweet.
--
