"When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time. You'd be surprised at how many adults are really dead inside—walking through their days with no idea who they are… It's the saddest thing I know." –Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak


Chapter 6: (Don't) Speak

Our memories, well, they can be inviting. But some are altogether mighty frightening.


She thinks about telling people sometimes. That he's not who everyone thinks he is.

So why doesn't she? It shouldn't be this hard.

Just speak.

But she doesn't. She tried to get over it at first, thought maybe if she ignored it, she'd stop feeling so terrible, that she could just move on. It can't hurt forever, right? It took awhile for her to even admit to herself what happened. That it wasn't just your typical, run-of-the-mill high school hookup at a party. It was more than that. Much more, and she doesn't quite know how to deal with all her feelings.

It's not that she had sex with him and he didn't call her back, or that he smirks at her as if they had a fling that he still thinks was just a fun time. It's not even that now he's dating her supposed best friend. Well, ex-best friend.

It's that she said no. She didn't want things to go that far, and when she tried to tell him to slow down, to stop, he didn't listen. He told to her relax, that it was okay, acted like he couldn't hear her protestations until finally she stopped giving them. She gave in and waited for it to be over, and then he kissed her like he thought he was being romantic, leaving her drunk and scared and half-naked in the dark bedroom, tears leaking down her cheeks while she struggled to grasp what had just happened.

Now it's lunchtime and she would rather hide out somewhere than face the cafeteria crowds of people staring at her because she's a freak, the girl who doesn't talk, the girl who could be queen bee in a heartbeat if she wanted to—why doesn't she want to? She must be weirder than we originally thought, because no one normal would blow off a chance to be adored by everyone.

Jo decides to go to the music room rather than face another mealtime sitting by herself in the corner, pretending not to hear the whispers of people passing by. Pretending not to notice them sitting cozied up together like the perfect it-couple, which they actually are, since Tina has been unsuccessful in her attempts to win James back.

She thinks she'll spend lunch period in peace, practicing her flute or something, but it seems she's not the only one who's had the idea to use this place as an escape, because when she opens the door, she once again walks in on a boy who's singing and playing an instrument. This time, however, it isn't James practicing his solo. It's Kendall Knight strumming away on a guitar, and unlike James, he notices right away that she's there.

"Hi," he smiles at her. He stops playing and puts the guitar down, picking up his bottle of Gatorade and taking a sip.

"Hi." It comes out as a whisper, but at least it comes out.

He looks surprised that she answered at all, and she can't really blame him. She hasn't spoken to anyone but James in so long, it's a wonder her voice even works at all.

"Um, are you just gonna stand there?" Kendall asks.

She knows he's wondering why she won't come any closer, and she has to force herself to put one foot in front of the other until she's sitting across from him with her arms crossed over her chest. It's just Kendall, she reminds herself. He won't hurt you. He's your friend.

But being alone with him is uncomfortable—being alone with any male is uncomfortable. Bad things happen when you're alone. Things get out of control and no one's there to help.

"What are you doing in here?" She questions softly.

"Hockey team has an away-game," Kendall says through a mouthful of turkey sandwich. He swallows thickly before continuing. "They left early. I'm still not allowed to go."

He has a kind of sad, wistful expression on his face, and Jo can tell he misses the sport. More importantly, maybe, is that he misses his friends. Kendall Knight is a jock through and through, and without the team bonding them together, he's sort of drifted away from his old friends, who are consumed with preparing for the district playoffs. They, like he used to, eat-sleep-and-breathe hockey, and they don't have time to hang around their ex-co-captain who got himself kicked off the team for drinking.

Jo doesn't say anything for a few moments, and Kendall knows her well enough by now not to try to force her into small talk, so they just continue eating their lunches, with Kendall strumming on the guitar every so often. She knows she should say something—she knows he wants her to say something—but what would she even talk about?

"You miss it, don't you?" She decides to ask him something that will make him talk about himself. Maybe that way they can ease into conversation.

"Yeah," Kendall says sadly. "I totally blew it. Senior year, co-captain—I should have college scouts meeting with me at every game. But I'm done. There's no way I'll get a chance now. Without a scholarship, there's no way my mom can afford to send me to a big school that'll get me into the majors."

"So what's your plan for next year, then?" She wonders. "What happens to a jock when you take away his sport?" She's teasing him lightly as she gets more comfortable with him, and she hopes he's not offended by it.

He doesn't seem to be.

"Who knows?" He shrugs. "Probably take some classes at the community college. I've been focused on playing hockey for so long, I never really thought about what I'd do if it didn't pan out. What about you?"

"I don't know either," she answers honestly. "I was filling out university applications last semester, but I've been…distracted lately. And my grades are pretty shit right now," she adds, looking down.

They fall back into silence after a bit, and usually when this happens she feels the unspoken pressure on her to just be normal and carry on a conversation. She doesn't feel this pressure with Kendall. He accepts who she is easily and without question.

A few minutes before the bell rings, Jo stands up as if to leave. "I need to get my stuff for next period," she explains.

Kendall stands with her and they both exit the room together. Kendall closes the door behind them and looks up to see that James and Jett Stetson are walking down the hallway together. James is smirking at something Jett's saying. Jo has frozen in her tracks.

"Hey, Knight. Jo," Jett greets them as he and James come to a stop in front of the pair. "How's it going?"

"Alright," Kendall replies nonchalantly, though Jo can tell that he's sort of stiffened up at Jett's arrival. He must not be a big fan. At least they have that in common.

Jo says nothing. She wants to turn and run away, her skin is crawling, and she thinks her heart may have stopped beating. He stands there with his Jett Stetson smile, the one that says he knows he's a winner, not seeming to notice in the least how badly his presence is affecting her. She stays completely still, eyes locked on the ground, listening as Jett laments Kendall's absence from the hockey team these days—the guys really need him, he was easily the best player on the team. Finally she can't stand it anymore and she backs away from the three boys, slowly at first, then breaking into a run as she rounds the corner. She doesn't check to see if they're following her, and she doesn't stop at her locker like she intended to.

She bursts into her classroom for next period, which is thankfully empty, and takes her seat, resting her head in her hands and breathing deeply. She ignores everything as the room starts to fill, and she doesn't take a single note or even hear anything her teacher says for the whole period.

By the time she makes it to study hall, she's finally calmed down a little. She signs in with Ms. Shipley and looks around for somewhere to sit. James and Kendall are nowhere in sight, though she saw both their names on the list already. She goes to set her bag down at a table in the corner, but then freezes. The table is right in front of a large bookshelf, and she can hear voices coming from behind it. Voices she recognizes.

"…Must still be really hung up on Jett." This voice belongs to Kendall.

"What do you mean?" James. Jo can see the pensive frown on his face in her mind's eye as he takes in what Kendall's said.

Jo's heart starts racing. No, no, no. Just drop it. Please drop it.

"Come on," Kendall scoffs. "The way she took off from the hallway after lunch. She's not over him."

"Wait," James starts, confused. "When were they like, a thing?"

He's going to figure it out.

"Jennifer Green's party. Over winter break."

There's a loud thud. One of them must have dropped a book. She guesses it was James, given that he now has all the pieces to the puzzle and will be able to put two and two together.

"How do you—what do you mean?" James sounds like he's working very hard to keep his voice low. Jo should confront them, tell them to stop talking, to mind their own business, but she's frozen in place, unable to do anything but listen to how their conversation will play out.

Kendall laughs a little and exhales. "I had a… I was going to ask, er, talk to her that night, but I, uh, saw her making out with Jett in a corner, and then, you know, they left to be alone I guess. And well, I'm guessing he blew her off afterward and hurt her feelings, since he got with Mercedes like, a week after that. And then Mercedes kicked her out of cheerleading."

"Holy shit," James says loudly. A couple of people nearby look up, having heard the swear.

"Yeah, it's pretty fucked up, but—whoa, hey. Are you okay?"

Jo can hear footsteps and she's pretty sure James is about to emerge from behind the bookcase. She grabs her backpack and looks up, preparing to flee, and sure enough, there he is, staring at her. He starts to walk toward her and no, no, no, she's not ready for this conversation, he wasn't supposed to find out who it was, no one's supposed to find that out, because even if she told, who would believe her?

She heads straight back through the library and towards the door, past Ms. Shipley, who's just opened her mouth to protest when James' voice rings through the room.

"Is it true?"

Jo pauses but she doesn't turn around. Every student in the room has looked up at James because of his outburst, but now that they've realized who he's addressing, they turn to stare at Jo, undoubtedly forming theories about what James could be talking about.

"Jo—"

"Mr. Diamond," Ms. Shipley starts. "If you insist on being disruptive—"

"Detention, fine!" James yells, startling the librarian into shocked silence. He refocuses his attention on Jo. "Is it true? Was it him?"

Jo still doesn't turn to face him. She closes her eyes for a second, trying to control the tears that want to fall. She won't let them. Instead she takes a deep breath and marches out of the room, ignoring Ms. Shipley calling out that she'll be put in detention, too.

She's only halfway to the nearest girls' restroom when James and Kendall both burst through the library door, following her down the hall.

"Jo!" James calls out again.

Both boys easily catch up to her in a few long strides.

"Don't, James. Stay out of it!" She pushes open the door to the bathroom and goes inside, turning on a sink and splashing some cool water on her face, happy to be away from the boys' questioning looks.

She's unprepared for what happens next.

James shoves the door open too, surprising her into taking a step back, but he and Kendall both step into the girls' room, at least having the grace to look awkward about it. Luckily no one's in there except for the three of them.

"This is so much nicer than the boys' room," Kendall comments, looking around at the pink tile and lack of graffiti on the stalls.

"I know, right?" James agrees before catching sight of Jo and remembering why they're there.

"Get out of here," Jo commands. "Leave me alone!"

"It is true, isn't it?" James asks softly.

"Okay, what's true? What's going on?" Kendall tries to understand what James is implying, but his brain doesn't seem to want to put the pieces together. He's looking between James and Jo, waiting for an answer that Jo doesn't want to give.

But James just continues to look at her—he won't tell Kendall for her, because it's not his place to do so. She has to say it herself.

Jo closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "What you were talking about in study hall—Jett and me at Jennifer's party."

Kendall's face reddens as he realizes that she overheard them talking about her. "S-sorry," he stutters. "It's none of my business."

"We didn't just hook up," she continues as if she hasn't heard him. "I asked him to slow down but he wouldn't stop. He just kept pressuring me and going farther and farther even though I didn't want to."

"Wait—are you saying he… Jo, did he rape you?" Kendall cringes slightly even saying the word 'rape.' His face is a combination of sickened and sympathetic and even kind of scared.

Jo nods and Kendall takes a step forward, but stops when she immediately backs up toward the wall. She's still getting used to being in the same room as guys—physical contact is still a no.

"Fuck. I'm gonna kill him."

James grabs a fistful of hair before spinning around and yanking the bathroom door open, where a sophomore girl is standing, having just been about to enter. She squeaks and jumps out of the way as he barrels through the doorway, growling "move" at her as he passes. She stares wide-eyed between him and Kendall, who's still standing in front of Jo, until he snaps out of it and runs after James with Jo right behind him.

"James," Kendall hisses, not wanting to cause a disturbance in the hallway while classes are still going on. "Where are you going? Slow down!"

James merely picks up his pace, shrugging Kendall off when he tries to stop him. "I'm gonna fucking kill him."

"James, stop!" Jo yells, and the panic in her voice is enough to get him to turn and face her. "Don't do anything. You can't!"

"Jo, he can't get just get away with his! He's gonna pay for what he did to you."

"What he did? What about what I did?"

"You didn't do anything, Jo," Kendall tries to tell her. "This isn't your fault."

"Oh, so I didn't dress like a slut, or get drunk and throw myself at him? I flirted with him in front of the whole party, Kendall! You said yourself you saw us in the hall. I was even the one who said we should find somewhere more private!"

"Jo, if you told him to stop—"

"It doesn't matter, Kendall!"

"It does matter!" James breaks in angrily. "You have to tell someone! You need to get help or something!"

"That's not your decision!" Jo replies, fighting to keep her voice even. Their discussion has gotten loud and she doesn't want a teacher to poke their head and catch the three of them shouting in the hallway. She doesn't need any more detention on top of everything else. Besides, James alone has enough detention for all three of them by now.

James kicks a locker in frustration, the loud bang echoing in the empty hall. "You have to deal with this, Jo!"

"Last time I checked, it was my body," Jo bites back. "That makes it my business, and I'll deal with it however I want!"

"Yeah, because you were doing such a great job of that before," he scoffs. "Not speaking is a fantastic way of handling it."

Jo blinks and bites her lip, stung by James' harshness. Again she feels the tension behind her eyes signaling the arrival of a wave of tears and this time she's unsuccessful at holding them back. She turns her back on James and Kendall and begins walking away, though she knows they'll just follow and easily catch up to her. Kendall reaches her first and puts a hand on her shoulder to get her slow down, but she flinches away from his touch and he retracts his arm quickly.

"James just wants to help," Kendall says softly. "So do I."

"You can't." Jo's voice breaks and she pauses to wipe a tear away. "I have to see him every day, Kendall. I have to see him here every day, walking around like he owns the place, which he practically does, hanging out with my old friends without a care in the world. And as if that weren't bad enough, he's in my worst nightmares too."

Suddenly the bell rings, startling all three teens. Soon, the hallway is filling with students talking about what parties they're going to this weekend and the upcoming hockey playoffs and a dozen other things that James, Kendall, and Jo could not care less about in this moment.


Jo and her father ride to the Palm Woods in silence. He seems stressed, Jo thinks, but she can't tell if it's his usual I'm-dropping-my-daughter-off-at-therapy stressed, or something more. She would ask him, but lately she doesn't seem to know how to talk to her dad. Ever since he and her mother separated, things had been difficult, and had not been made easier when she decided to move back to North Carolina.

It's some combination of guilt and shame that keeps her from telling her dad what's happened to her. How can she tell him that she had been drinking, wearing provocative clothing (even if it was borrowed from Mercedes), and coming on to Jett the night of the party? Hell, she wasn't even supposed to be at the party at all; she'd lied (another thing she never did) and told Mr. Taylor that Mercedes was having a sleepover with all the senior girls from the cheer squad. She put herself in a position to be taken advantage of. She got what she asked for.

The one time she considered telling him, she'd been outside his home office, and he was talking to her mother on the phone about not knowing what he was going to do with her. He was saying how he thought Jo's new friends were being a bad influence on her, and that maybe he should consider putting her in private school. She couldn't admit to him that he was exactly right—that she allowed herself to be peer pressured and now look what had happened.

Jo looks around the ground floor as her dad signs her in. Logan and Kendall are playing checkers in their gang's usual corner, while James is absentmindedly fiddling with a plastic comb. The others are either out of sight somewhere or haven't arrived yet. When Mr. Taylor leaves, Jo goes up to her room to put her things down, and she knows everyone will be expecting her join them before they all go in for group therapy, and she's not ready to face them.

Now that James and Kendall know her secret, she knows she can't ignore it anymore. It's not that they'll tell anyone that she's afraid of; it's that now she's going to be forced to confront her fears. Telling James was supposed to be a baby step. Kendall wasn't supposed to find out, and they certainly weren't supposed to figure out who her attacker was. Things are happening too fast and she can feel herself wanting to revert into the defense mechanism she'd developed recently—ignoring all of it and not telling anyone how she's feeling. She supposes it's too much to hope for that James and Kendall will just let it go and leave her alone…

Today's activity is trust-falling, which everyone thinks is super lame, but no one really protests. Camille looks like she'd rather not do it, and Jo wonders whether it's because she's afraid of falling or because she thinks she's too heavy for anyone to catch. Lucy goes first, under Dr. Johnson's instruction, and she climbs up onto a high table that was brought in just for this, with her back to the rest of the group. Dr. Johnson has her close her eyes, placing his hand on her back between her shoulder blades. He tells her to lean into his hand and trust that her group will catch her when he lets go.

Lucy is fearless. Jo admires that. She closes her eyes immediately and takes a deep breath before slowly leaning back. Dr. Johnson lets go, and Lucy lets herself fall, not even gasping or opening her eyes as she does so. As far as trust falls go, Jo thinks it was the most graceful one she's ever seen—and as a four-year varsity cheerleader, she's seen a lot of falls. Lucy opens her eyes only when she's been fully caught, grinning up at everyone. The boys all set her down easily—Jo and Camille barely had to shoulder any weight—and Lucy smoothes out her skirt and her pulls her hair into a ponytail.

Next is Carlos, who's similarly unafraid. He practically does a backwards dive off the table and into everyone's arms, letting out a 'whoop!' as he goes. They laugh at his recklessness, and the boys all get into a short, light shoving match before Dr. Johnson succeeds in getting them back in order. Kendall and Logan go without much incident, though Logan panics at the last the second and throws his arms out to try to keep his balance. He's obviously unsuccessful and attempts (and fails) to hide the girlish squeak that emits from his throat as he falls.

James seems dubious that he should trust his group to catch him—he's easily the tallest and the heaviest of any of them, and the three girls are all quite small and thin. Still, he takes his turn like the others, rolling his neck back and forth as if stretching for some strenuous exercise. He tips backward of the table, letting his breath out in a small whoosh as Kendall and Carlos bear the brunt of his weight. The group sets him down and he seems pleasantly surprised that he wasn't dropped.

Then there's Camille. Logan gives her hand a reassuring squeeze and promises softly that she'll be okay. She holds onto his hand while she gets up on the table, but she seems unwilling to turn her back to them and step up to the edge. Jo can see the anxiety on her face—it's the same self-conscious look she gets during dinner time, and she knows for sure now that Camille's eating disorder is dictating her thoughts right now, telling her that she's too heavy, that the group won't be able to catch her. Logan doesn't let go of her hand until she's at the edge and Dr. Johnson's steadying her. She gasps and keeps her eyes clenched shut as she falls, sure that she's going to hit the floor. But she's the smallest and thinnest out of everyone, and she's the only one who can't see that. She only opens her eyes when Logan touches her shoulder, telling her she's alright.

Finally it's Jo's turn, and while she knows in theory she has nothing to worry about, she's still a bit wary. It's not that she thinks they'll let her fall—but diving into a pile of people, most of whom are boys who are all bigger and stronger than her… that doesn't seem appealing. An image flashes through her mind. She's lying on a bed, and he is there, slowly but surely trying to sneak his hand underneath her skirt. She pushes his hand away and tries to sit up, but all he does is push her back down and straddle her, using his knees to pin her down.

"Jo? Are you ready?" Dr. Johnson prods her and she shakes her head a bit to clear away her thoughts.

Kendall helps her up and she reminds herself again that no one here is going to hurt her. They're not Jett. She turns her back and closes her eyes, pretending she's at cheer practice. This is no different than learning a new stunt. In fact, it's even easier, because she's only half as high as she would be normally, and she doesn't even have to execute a kick or a flip in the air. This is a piece of cake.

She lets out her breath, smiling to herself when she realizes it's already over and she's standing upright.

Dr. Johnson makes them sit in their circle and talk about what they were feeling—whether they were nervous or confident about their fall—and after the exercise is over, he leaves them alone so that they can have their half-hour of unsupervised discussion.

They all sit quietly for a few moments but then Logan clears his throat to break the silence. "Does, um… does anyone want to talk about anything?"

Jo avoids the gazes of James and Kendall. She can feel both pairs of eyes boring into her, willing her to speak up. Her own eyes are fixated on the floor and she curls up into a ball on her chair, hoping that making herself smaller will magically cause her to become invisible and everyone else can talk without her.

"Yeah, I do."

Jo's head snaps up at the sound of James' voice. He's looking right at her and her eyes widen. He wouldn't.

"I have this friend—" he starts.

"James," Jo tries to interrupt and everyone's attention shifts to her. He ignores her and continues talking.

"I have this friend who has a problem," James says. "And this friend doesn't want to get help from anyone. She refuses, literally, to talk about it. The thing is, I know what's wrong with her, but she wants me to leave her alone. So how am I supposed to help her?"

This isn't happening. This isn't happening. Shut up, James. Mind your own business. I never should have told you what happened. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Jo?" Logan asks softly. "What's he talking about?"

"Nothing," she whispers automatically.

"It's not nothing!" James says loudly.

"Calm down, man," Kendall tells him. "Let her do it."

"You can tell us," Logan's steady voice speaks again and Jo looks at him finally. "Whatever it is…no one's gonna judge you or anything. We—we're all in the same boat here, in case you forgot."

She can't say it.

Can she?

Rape. Rape.

It's a gross word. Disgusting. It makes her cringe just thinking it, even abstractly, and it only gets worse when she has to apply it to herself—when she has to acknowledge that it's not just something terrible and life-altering and awful and horrific. It is all of those things... She can think of a hundred more adjectives, none of which really even come close to actually describing the terror that she still tries bury within her, weeks and weeks after it happened.

Because the thing is, it's more than just a list of adjectives. It's something that happened to her.

"I—"

Say it, she commands herself.

"I was…"

Spit it out, Jo Marie.

The silence in the room is deafening as everyone waits for her to say whatever it is she's going to say. Not even Carlos is fidgeting like he always does, and Lucy, who usually looks bored to tears during these sessions, is actually paying attention, frowning at her slightly. It's not a mean frown, just a pensive one.

Jo looks up at Logan and focuses on his eyes. It's just her and Logan with his calming presence, his sympathetic attitude, and his kind face that makes her believe that maybe it'll be okay if she trusts him.

"I was raped."

There's a collective intake of breath through the room as the others all realize what she's just told them.

"Oh my God," Camille lets out. She immediately claps a hand over her mouth, unsure if her words will upset Jo.

James looks angry again, but Jo can tell that the anger is not directed at her. It's directed at him, the one who did this to her, the one who's supposed to be James' friend. In a weird way, Jo thinks James might feel just as betrayed and shitty as she does. No one wants to be best friends with a rapist, especially one who acts like he didn't even do anything wrong.

"Are you…?" Carlos' voice trails off. He's probably about to ask her if she's okay, but then he realizes—no, she's not. Of course she's not. How could she be?

"Who-?" Logan starts but then stops abruptly when Jo shakes her head.

"Don't ask me who. Please," she pleads. She's not ready for it to get out, not even a little bit. It terrifies her to imagine what would happen at school if she let a rumor get out that Jett Stetson raped her. Never mind the fact that it would be the truth.

"Have you, um, been checked out or anything?" Camille asks.

Jo shakes her head back and forth. "No."

"And we're the only ones who know?"

"I was… I've been too embarrassed to say anything," she admits. "I wanted it to not be real. I thought… I thought if I didn't talk about it, I wouldn't think about it, and it would just go away, and I could pretend it was just a bad dream."

"But that's not what happened," Carlos states.

"It's all I can think about."

"And are you… do you think you're ready to get help now?" Logan wants to know.

"I don't know," Jo sighs. "Maybe. I just… I don't want to have to relive it. It's too hard. Look, can we stop talking about it now?"

"Er, yeah, okay," Logan stutters.

Carlos comes to the rescue and starts telling a random story about a friend of his fell who out of a tree and broke his wrist, thoroughly distracting everyone from Jo. She's grateful for it. Only Carlos could lighten the mood in such a way, and Dr. Johnson looks pretty surprised to find the group laughing and talking when he comes back in to tell them that their half-hour is up.


On Sunday during free time, James and Carlos decide to have a push-up contest, so Logan, Camille, and Lucy watch amusedly as the two boys exhaust themselves. Jo sits apart from them, having just returned from her one-on-one session with her therapist. She's thinking about how it went and trying to decide what to do next when Kendall comes in and sits with her.

"How'd it go?" He asks.

Jo shrugs her shoulders. "I told her, if that's what you're asking."

"It is."

"She asked me if I want to press charges."

Kendall lets out a long breath. "Do you?"

"No," Jo says firmly. "I just… I want to move on. I don't want it to follow me around for months and months."

"Are you sure?" Kendall is in disbelief. "Don't you want him to pay for it?"

"It was my fault, Kendall," she replies quietly. "I was the one who wanted to be alone. I led him on. I made him think I wanted to."

"You can't blame yourself for what he did to you!" Kendall tries to tell her. "You can't seriously believe that."

"Why does it matter so much to you anyway?" Jo asks, getting defensive. "It has nothing to do with you."

"Yes it does," he argues. "I was there! I can.. I don't know, I could be a witness for you or something."

Jo snorts. "That'd be great testimony. You can tell the judge how we were all underage drinking and how I made out with Jett in front of the whole party and how I asked him if he wanted to go upstairs. Just leave it alone, Kendall. I'll figure something out."

"I can't just leave it alone!" Kendall says, frustrated.

"Why not? Why is this such a big deal to you?"

"Because I… I feel guilty."

Jo frowns in confusion. "Why would you feel guilty? I barely even saw you that night. That doesn't make sense."

Kendall's face reddens and he stutters out the next sentence awkwardly. "Because if I had—It never would have happened to you if—But then he got there first and I thought there was nothing I could do…"

"Kendall. What are you talking about?"

"I was going to ask you out that night," he says quickly, blushing. "I wanted to, and I talked myself into and out of it about five different times, and I was finally about to go talk to you, but then I saw you with him and I thought I'd lost my chance, so I walked away and let you go off with him. And I figured he'd… that's how he is, you know? He gets any girl he wants, doesn't even have to try, so I never thought he would—do…what he did. And if I would have just not been such a coward, I could have stopped it."

Jo is surprised into silence for a moment, processing what Kendall's telling her. She was so focused on her crush on Jett that she never even thought about Kendall that way. They'd met and hung out a few times before he was kicked off the hockey team, and he was always friendly towards her, but she never considered that he might see her as anything more than a friend.

"You were… going to ask me out?"

Kendall nods.

"I… wow. Oh." She doesn't know what else to say. She knows he's a nice guy, that he wouldn't hurt her, that she'd be safe with him… But after what happened, she can't bring herself to believe what she already knows. She can't look at guys the same way. They all remind her of him, and how he pinned her down to the bed, how he continued trying to remove articles of clothing even though she attempted to shove him away, how he just smirked at her afterward and told her she was good. Those images flash through her brain day and night, and she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to have a normal relationship.

"I understand if you're not ready," Kendall says after a while. "I don't expect you to be… I just felt like you should know. We—guys, I mean—we're not all like that."

"I know you're nothing like him, but I—" She pauses, searching for a way to voice what she's trying to say. "I just don't know how to go back to who I was before. I like you, or, I mean, I could, but… I don't know when I will be ready. Or if I ever will be at all."

"I'll wait until you are," he grins.

"You shouldn't have to," Jo mumbles. "You might be waiting a long time."

"Hey, I'm a pretty patient guy," Kendall proclaims easily, leaning back and resting his head on his hands. "Persistent, too."


I finally said it. Out loud.

And… it actually went better than I thought it would. I mean… I don't want to run around and scream it to the world. In fact, I'd still rather not talk about it at all, but it is nice just knowing that other people know. That someone heard me.

Dr. Beatty thinks I should tell my parents, but I am so not having that conversation with my dad. How can I? How would I even begin to tell him something like that? I can't. There's no way. He'd pull me out of school in a heartbeat and make me switch. Or he'd want to press charges right away, and there's no way I want that to happen.

And then there's Kendall. I think… I like him? I want to like him. But is it selfish to say that I just need to focus on myself? I sound like a bad breakup cliché. "I need to work on myself right now. You deserve better than this." But I mean… he does deserve better. He should be with someone who can actually be a real girlfriend. Not someone who flinches every time he gets too close.

I don't know. He said he's willing to wait, but I'm not sure he knows what he's getting into.

Ha. Does that mean I want him to wait?

..I guess it does.


Wow. Okay, let me just say that I am soooo sorry I took so long to get this chapter uploaded. Insert excuses here. But thank you guys for reviewing and sending me messages on my blog! They definitely gave me the push I needed to get back in gear, and I promise that I won't take this long to update again!

Anyway please please please review and let me know what you thought about the chapter! I love the feedback and want to know what you guys like or don't like! (They also motivate me to write faster... just sayin'!)

Love to everyone!