"People always think they know other people, but they don't. Not really. I mean, maybe they know things about them, like they won't eat doughnuts or they like action movies or whatever. But they don't know what their friends do in their rooms alone at night or what happened to them when they were kids or if they feel fucked up and sad for no reason at all." ― Libba Bray, Going Bovine


Chapter 7: Intoxicated

Feel like I black out, pass out, every time that we touch
And if it hurts in the morning, then it must be love
I want your heart, baby, straight, no chaser
I wanna feel it in my head when I wake up


Mrs. Knight looks exhausted when she arrives to pick Kendall up from the Palm Woods on Sunday evening, and he feels guilty that she has to go out of her way for him. She's probably been on her feet all day long, working at the restaurant for shitty pay and jerk-off customers who leave crappy tips. Still, she smiles at her son and pulls him into a hug when she sees him, and he kisses her on the cheek.

"How was your weekend?" She asks in the car.

"Alright," Kendall shrugs. "Same old, same old. We did trust-falls in group. It was weird. How was work?"

"Terrible," Mrs. Knight laughs. "What do you feel like having for dinner tonight?"

Kendall thinks for a moment. "Chinese?"

"Sure."

By the time they get home with the food, it's nearly dark out, and Katie and her babysitter are curled up together on the couch in the living room watching High School Musical and singing along. Mrs. Knight thanks the girl and invites her to stay for dinner, but she declines the offer and heads out, ruffling Katie's hair and waving goodbye to Kendall on her way. After dinner, Kendall and Katie clean up for their mom, who goes to take a shower and get ready for bed, tired from her long day.

"Did you see her at all this weekend?" Kendall asks his sister quietly.

"Um, Friday night. And for awhile yesterday morning," Katie bites her lip. "She wanted to do the double shifts for the extra money…" She looks away from Kendall, not wanting him to feel any more guilty than he already does.

Too late. Kendall frowns, knowing that the reason they're so strapped for cash is because of him. Because he lost control and had to get himself put in therapy. Now his mom can barely make ends meet, what with two kids to feed and bills to pay and the ridiculously high-priced treatment Kendall receives at the Palm Woods. Katie's had to give up ice-skating lessons for him. And Mrs. Knight has already dipped into her savings and his college fund to pay for it, and Kendall thinks that if it weren't for his dad's child-support checks, they wouldn't be making it all.

His frown deepens as Mr. Knight crosses his mind, and he forces himself not to think about him and how he walked out on their family about two years ago. Or how he moved back to Vermont, where he was originally from, and how now he has a new wife and a new replacement son who he will undoubtedly play baseball with in the backyard, and teach to fish and ride a bike. All the things he did with Kendall first, but for some reason, they weren't enough. For some reason Mrs. Knight and Kendall and Katie just didn't fit the perfect family picture Mr. Knight had in his head. They weren't enough for him.

At first, Kendall used to hope his dad would come back. That he'd realize he was wrong and he needed his family. He hoped it because he didn't like hearing his mother cry late at night when she thought her kids were asleep. He hoped it because he didn't want his baby sister to grow up without a dad. But he also hoped it because he was a fourteen year old boy who—though he loved his mother very much—needed his dad around when he wanted advice on how to ask a girl out for the first time. Or when the JV hockey team had a sons vs. dads game that he couldn't participate in. Or when his freshman year health class sent home all these pamphlets about sex-ed along with a slip that had to be signed by a parent saying they had gone over the material together.

Now he hopes he never sees Mark Knight again. But still, he wonders if Mark ever thinks about him and Katie, or wonders how they're doing—if they get good grades, if they have friends. He used to check in and call every so often, but Kendall started refusing to speak to him, and soon after that, so did Katie. Now he doesn't call. The last time they heard from him, it was to tell them he was getting remarried and invite them out to the wedding.

Kendall remembers laughing out loud at the mere thought that he would want anything to do with his father's new wife. The phone call had come about three days after Kendall's fifteenth birthday. Mark didn't even mention it. Kendall said he'd think about it but he hung up the phone and never called him back or heard from him again. To Kendall it seemed pretty clear that it didn't matter to Mark whether he and Katie were in his life or not, so he decided to make it easier on everyone and just sever ties.

After they're done cleaning up, Katie asks Kendall to check her math homework. Kendall grins because Katie is great at math; she's only asking because she wants an excuse for Kendall to stay with her a while longer. It's funny how she's so good at acting like she's tough and independent, like she doesn't need help from anyone. It's easy to forget that she's only eleven years old. But she is only eleven, and sometimes—only sometimes—Kendall can see right through her shell to the little girl that she is. The little girl whose daddy left when she was barely nine years old, whose mother has to work day and night to support what's left of their family. The little girl whose big brother, who she looks up to more than anyone on the planet, majorly screwed up and had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning before being put into treatment for addiction at the age of seventeen.

He checks over her paper, which is free of errors as he knew it would be, and kisses the top of her head before he leaves her room, closing the door behind him.


He doesn't know if it's more lucky for Jett or himself that he doesn't run into him all day, because like James, Kendall feels that if it comes down to it, he could probably kill him on the spot and not feel bad about it at all.

Luck, however, doesn't stay on his side for long, because just before study hall, Jett approaches him while he's standing at his locker, digging through the mess for a book he needs.

"Hey, Knight, you have Collins for English, right? Does she accept late papers?"

Kendall acts as if he hasn't heard him. He slams the locker shut and walks off towards study hall, just as Jo is rounding a corner to head that way as well.

"Knight!" Jett reaches out to grab Kendall by the elbow, unaccustomed to being ignored. The frightened look on Jo's face as she sees Jett is enough to set Kendall off. He spins quickly and shoves Jett backwards into the row of metal lockers, causing a loud clang to echo through the hallway.

"Hey man, what the f—"

Kendall punches Jett square in the eye before backing off, seething with pent-up anger. "You stay away from me, dick," he snarls.

"What is your problem, psycho?" Jett asks angrily, holding his eye but not yet fighting back.

Kendall steps toward him again but stops when Jo reaches out to grab his wrist.

"Don't," she pleads hoarsely. "Leave it. Let's go. Please."

The confusion on Jett's face morphs into realization as he looks between Kendall and Jo. He opens his mouth to say something but the bell rings, cutting him off, and he thinks better of it. He turns his back on the pair, scowling, and stalks off in the direction of his class, but Kendall has a feeling that this isn't over.

They go into the library for study hall and sit with James in the back corner, none of them saying a word, though Kendall can tell James knows something's going on. Kendall tries throughout the period to focus on his homework, but the terrified look on Jo's face won't leave his mind, and it just makes him angrier and angrier as he thinks about Jett and how he has the nerve to show his face at school after what he did.

When the period ends, the trio walks outside to the front of the school to wait for Jo's father to come pick her up. They fill James in on what happened just before study hall and have to actively stop him from hunting Jett down again. Jo's dad is running late and the school begins to empty out, but the boys stay with her, both reluctant to leave her alone, even though it's broad daylight and she's out in the open.

When Mr. Taylor finally arrives, Kendall and James wave goodbye to her and James offers Kendall a ride home, since he's missed the bus he should have been on.

"Sure," Kendall agrees. "Let me just go back to my locker for a sec."

Because the universe seems to be screaming for an altercation, the boys run smack into Jett Stetson. Kendall notes, not without some satisfaction, that he's already sporting somewhat of a black eye.

"Fuck off, Knight. Are you following me now, or what?" Jett tries to shove past Kendall and James, but Kendall blocks him, noticing that James looks uncomfortable with the whole situation.

"You're a dead man, Stetson," Kendall says, shoving Jett.

Jett shoves him back roughly and blocks it when Kendall aims another swing at his face. "You'll be the dead man if you don't back off! I don't know what your damage is, but maybe you need to take up with your therapist and not me."

"You're my damage, asshole!"

Jett shoves Kendall again, and this time his back and head hit a wall, making him see stars for a brief second. Jett approaches to aim another hit but James quickly puts himself between the two boys.

"Back off, Jett."

"What the fuck, Diamond? You on his side now?"

James says nothing and Kendall can tell he's struggling with something internally. Unlike Kendall, James has managed to keep his social status since getting put into therapy. Sticking up for Kendall Knight, disgraced former jock and known alcoholic, will probably not do much for his reputation. He's on thin ice as it is, having been seen being friendly with Lucy Stone. Kendall half-expects him to back down, to leave with Jett in order to protect his status, so his mouth drops open in surprise when James punches Jett in the face himself.

Caught off guard by his best friend's attack, Jett staggers backward and loses his balance, nose starting to bleed.

"Stay away from Kendall. And Jo Taylor," James growls.

"Look I don't know what she told you—"

"Just save it!" James spits. "She told us the truth, and if you know what's good for you, you won't show your smarmy face around me again."

"She's fucking lying, James!"

"If she's lying, why didn't you tell me about her before?" He retorts. "Why'd you keep it a secret, when you usually can't wait to tell me every time you add a new notch to the bedpost?"

Kendall knows James has won the argument as soon as he asks the question. Jett seems to be at a loss for words, unable to come up with an excuse for why he wouldn't share with his best friend how he hooked up with the new girl.

"Right," James mutters when his friend has no response. "You're disgusting."

He and Kendall leave Jett in the hallway, walking silently away from the scene.

"You're gonna be sorry, Diamond," Jett calls out. "Don't think nothing's gonna change around here after this!"

James pauses, as if he wants to turn back, but he clenches his jaw shut and continues walking, picking up his pace while Kendall follows quickly behind him.

"You didn't have to step in back there," Kendall says. "I mean, I know he's your friend and all—"

"He's not my friend," James interrupts. "He never really has been."

"I—oh. Well, anyway, thanks."

"Don't mention, it, Knight," he grins. "I couldn't just stand there and let him beat your skinny ass anyway. Even if you are a hockey player."

Kendall snorts with laughter as he dumps his backpack into the backseat of James' black Explorer. "I'm just surprised you risked your pretty-boy face for me. I'm touched, honestly."

"Oh, shut up. Or do you want to walk home in this cold weather?"


At lunch the following the day, Kendall immediately notices something is amiss. He scans the cafeteria and quickly finds what he's looking for. James is standing near his usual table with the same crowd of popular kids that he always sits with, but he has an angry look on his face as he speaks in low tones to Jett, who's smirking obnoxiously. As Kendall gets closer he can hear what they're saying.

"Sorry, Diamond. You know how it is. Table's all full."

"You serious right now, Jett?" James asks.

Kendall glances at the table. Mercedes Griffin, Tina, and a few other kids are looking away uncomfortably, pretending not to notice what's happening right in front of them. There are clearly at least three empty seats at the table, but Jett is purposely turning James away.

Jett leans forward. "I told you you were gonna be sorry, Diamond. Why don't you go sit with your new boyfriend? Seems like he's waiting for you." Jett tilts his head out, indicating Kendall's presence.

James glances over his shoulder, realizing for the first time that Kendall's there.

"You know what? Screw you. All of you," James sneers. Tina looks up at him apologetically, but says nothing.

He scowls at the table and kicks a chair before leaving the cafeteria. Kendall follows him into the hallway.

"What was that about?"

"Jett asked me if I was lost when I tried to sit at my usual seat," James laughs bitterly. "Like a fuckin' fifteen year old girl. Should've known better." He runs a hand through his perfect hair, messing it up slightly and then immediately reaching into his back pocket for a comb.

He and Kendall eat their lunch in the hallway, and when the bell rings, neither of them attempts to get up and go to class. As the hallway begins to fill, kids who pass by whisper behind their hands at the sight of the two them together, and Kendall does his best to ignore it.

"I feel like ditching the rest of the day. You in?" Kendall asks.

"Dude, if I get in trouble again, my mom's gonna pull me out of school and send me to military school or something."

"James Diamond, scared of mama?" Kendall teases. "Come on. I need outta here."

"Fuck it," James murmurs, standing to join Kendall. They sneak out a side door and head for the nearby park—the same when James went to with Jo when he first found out about what happened to her.

To their surprise, the park isn't empty when they get there. Carlos is there, also ditching school, as well as Lucy and Carlos' friend Andy and another girl that Kendall has never seen before. They're sitting at the edge of the woods and Kendall can see the smoke before he smells it. He thinks it's pretty ballsy of them to be smoking weed out in the open like this, and he almost wants to stop and turn around, but they've already come this far…

Andy and the other girl are getting up to leave as Kendall and James approach, both of them giving the boys weird looks as they pass, as if wondering what they could be doing here. Kendall Knight and James Diamond are not part of the usual crowd that hangs out here, after all. But Andy probably just thinks they're coming to buy some pills off of Carlos or something. He's handing Lucy a joint as Kendall and James sit down, and she takes a long hit off it before handing it back, inhaling deeply and holding it in before blowing the smoke out.

"What brings you out to stoner-land?" Lucy asks, laying down on the grass and closing her eyes.

"Just needed to get away for a bit," Kendall shrugs. Carlos offers him the joint next, but Kendall eyes it warily. He's supposed to stay from alcohol and drugs—anything that might tempt him back into his old habits. He shakes his head, and Carlos holds it out to James, who accepts it.

They stay in the park right up until it's time for school to let out, smoking and talking about nothing and everything.

When Kendall gets home, his mother's still at work, but there's a message on the answering machine from his school, letting her know that Kendall had missed several classes that day. He erases the message and listens to the next one. A frown forms on his face when he recognizes the voice. Mark Knight has called to check in—he wants Kendall and Katie to call him back. Kendall erases that message, too. It's pretty rich that his dad would call after over a year of silence just to chat.

He checks the mail and notes with dismay that the majority of the envelopes are bills—water, electricity, house payment, American Express, Palm Woods. He wonders how his mother is managing. Soon she'll have to dip into Katie's college fund, too, and that stresses Kendall out more than he can explain. His family shouldn't have to suffer because of him, but they are. They'd never tell him that, of course, but he knows it's true.

Kendall opens the refrigerator to look for something to snack on, and freezes when he sees the pack of wine-coolers on the shelf. Usually his mother locks away her alcohol, after everything that's happened with Kendall, but she must have forgotten to do so, what with being so distracted with work and Katie and trying to balance her checkbook. He shouldn't be tempted, but he is. What sucks the most, he thinks, is that he knows he shouldn't want it, but he does. He doesn't like admitting it, because he wants his mom and Katie to think that he's better now, but the truth is… he misses it sometimes. He misses the taste, the warm feeling in his stomach, the slight buzz that numbs his fingertips and makes everything seem better for awhile.

Kendall slams the refrigerator door shut just as the front door opens and Katie walks in, having been dropped off by her car pool.

"Hey, big brother," Katie greets him with a hug.

"What's up, baby sister?"

Katie looks at him strangely. "Why do you look so weirded out? And why do you smell funny?"

"I—what? I don't smell funny," Kendall stutters, knowing it's a lie.

"Yeah you do. It's smells like smoke, only… not exactly."

"Oh, well… I picked this shirt up off the ground this morning. Thought it was clean. Guess it wasn't," he laughs nervously. "Maybe I'll do my laundry and fix the situation."

He hurries out of the kitchen and down the hall to his bedroom, where he strips off the plaid shirt and takes a whiff. Sure enough, he can clearly smell the pot on it, and he balls it up and throws it into his laundry basket, along with his t-shirt and his jeans, just in case. He starts a load of laundry, not bothering to separate the colors, and goes to take a shower, in case his hair smells, too.

Kendall wonders briefly if he should tell Katie and his mom that Mark called. Shouldn't he let Katie decide for herself if she wants to talk to him? He also wonders if Mark even knows about everything that's going on with him. Was he even aware that Kendall had been hospitalized? That he was no longer playing hockey? That he was receiving psychological treatment for his alcohol abuse? Surely Jen Knight would have told her ex-husband about that. And if he was aware of all that, why hadn't he called sooner? Didn't he even care that his eldest child was going through something? That maybe he needed help?

By the time he finishes showering and changing, Katie's already working on her homework at the kitchen table. Kendall wonders where she gets her work ethic from, since when he was her age, Mrs. Knight had to force him to sit down and do his schoolwork. Even now, he procrastinates as much as possible, often waiting until the very last minute to start his assignments. He decides to join her, and the two siblings sit together while going over their respective work, throwing carrots at each other and bickering.

"Dad called today," he tells her.

Katie doesn't react. She continues working on her long division as if Kendall hasn't spoken.

"Katie—"

"I heard you," she says. "So what?"

"He wants you—us—to call him back."

"So what?" She mumbles again.

"I deleted the message already," Kendall says.

"Good."

"Should I tell Mom he called?"

"Why bother? Unless he decided to come back it doesn't really matter."

"Yeah… you're right."

Kendall's phone beeps and he reads a text from his mom. She's picking up a late shift at work, so he and Katie will be on their own for dinner tonight. Kendall grills some burgers for them while Katie prepares the buns with ketchup and lettuce and pickles, and they eat dinner in front of the TV, where Katie makes Kendall watch the Hannah Montana Movie with her for the eighty-seventh time.

When Katie goes to bed, Kendall is left sitting in the living room. He probably should do some reading for class, or anything to distract himself from the fact that there's a drink in the refrigerator. His mother won't be home for a while, and really the only thing stopping him is the knowledge that he'll have to tell his mother he slipped up. But he wants it. Bad. It sucks because he actually thought he was pulling himself together. He thought he might be ready to leave therapy soon, to beg for his spot on the hockey team back, to try to get his life back on track. But now he's just proving to himself and everyone that he's nowhere near ready.

He looks down at his phone and scrolls the contacts before he can talk himself out of it. Hopefully she won't be upset that he's calling so late, but he really needs a distraction right now.

Jo picks up on the third ring.

"Hello?" She sounds sleepy.

Shit, I woke her up.

"Kendall?"

"I—hey, Jo."

"Hi."

"Sorry. You're asleep, right? I'll let you go."

"No, it's fine. Are you okay?"

"Yeah—well, no. I don't know."

"Huh?"

"It's just… You know how Logan made us all exchange numbers and said we should call each other if we ever felt, like, I don't know, like we needed to talk?"

"Yeah… What's going on, Kendall?"

"Nothing—well, I don't know, it's hard to explain. My mom's at work right now and she left a drink in the refrigerator…"

"Oh," Jo says softly. "Did you…?"

"No," Kendall replies earnestly. "I didn't drink it. I want to, though. That's the problem."

"That's a good thing, Kendall. You're controlling the urge instead of giving into it."

"I guess. But I just feel like… Like I shouldn't want it as bad as I do. I thought—I guess I just thought I was ready to move past this."

"It just takes time," Jo tells him.

"I know. Look, I'm really sorry I woke you up."

"Don't worry about it. I'm glad you called me."

"Thanks for listening. I'll let you get back to sleep."

"No problem. See you tomorrow. Unless you and James are gonna ditch me at study hall again," she says teasingly.

"Sorry," Kendall grins, though she can't see it. "I hope you weren't too lonely without us."

"Oh yeah, you know how much I love Mercedes shooting me the death glare for 45 minutes."

Kendall frowns. "Ignore her."

"I try. Good night, Kendall."

"Night."

Kendall hangs up, smiling softly to himself and feeling marginally better after speaking with Jo. Maybe Logan's on to something with his whole 'talk shit out' thing. Or maybe he was just glad to have an excuse to talk to Jo on the phone. Either way, he's glad he called her.

When his mom gets home a short while later, Kendall has dozed off on the couch. He opens his eyes slowly when Mrs. Knight touches his shoulder to rouse him.

"Kendall, what are you doing in here?" She asks. "Why aren't you in bed?"

"You left a drink in the refrigerator," Kendall blurts.

Mrs. Knight's face pales and her hand flies to her mouth. "Oh, no. I couldn't have! I'm so sorry, baby." She pulls Kendall into a tight hug, distraught at her mistake.

"Mom! Relax. I didn't drink it."

"You didn't?" Mrs. Knight almost looks skeptical. Kendall can't blame her.

"You can check if you want."

"No, that's okay. I am so sorry I forgot to put it away, Kendall. I don't know how that happened."

"It's okay, Mom."

"No it isn't," Mrs. Knight says, distressed. "I'm supposed to be helping you, not leaving temptations like this right in front of you and leaving you alone for hours on end."

"You just have a lot on your mind," Kendall assures her. "And I'm okay."

"I'm so proud of you, son," Mrs. Knight says. "You have no idea."

Kendall refrains from saying how sad it is that she's proud of him for not drinking. She should be proud because he's captain of the hockey team, because he's on the honor roll, because he's got a legitimate shot at getting a scholarship to a good school. She's proud of him for something other parents wouldn't even have to worry about. It's depressing that he's become such a letdown, especially since it seemed like nothing could go wrong for him. Of course, he knows his mother would never say that to him. But it doesn't mean it's not true.

He only mutters a weak "thanks, Mom" and allows her to steer him to his bedroom so he can get some sleep. Moments later he hears the kitchen sink running, and he knows she must be pouring the offending bottles down the drain. Maybe she thinks that tempting Kendall with them, even accidentally, revokes her right to enjoy the drink.

Something weird is going on at school the next day. Everywhere he goes, people stare and whisper behind his back, and he feels sure that he's being talked about, but he doesn't know why. A big guy bumps into him in the hallway, someone from the football team, and it's not until he tells Kendall to "Watch it, fag," that he realizes what's happening.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me," smirks the jock as he continues on his way.

Kendall's too surprised to even go after or him or confront the guy about what he said, but as the day progresses, it becomes pretty clear that what Football Guy said wasn't just a fluke. Someone must have taken what Jett said about Kendall being James' boyfriend seriously. His friends from the hockey team give him weird looks and pretend not to notice when he tries to get their attention, and people in general avoid him. It's like he's got a kick-me sign on his back, except the sign says "fag-alert" instead.

He doesn't see James at lunchtime, and his friend doesn't show up to study hall either. He and Jo sit quietly together, passing a note back and forth. She's heard the rumor, of course, and Kendall has to tell her several times that it's not her fault. She thinks Jett is doing this as a way to get back at them for defending her; and if Kendall admits it, yeah, she's right, but he in no way blames her for this. All of it belongs squarely on Jett Stetson's shoulders, and if he has anything to do with it, Jett will pay.

After school, Jo is planning to walk home, so Kendall offers to walk with her. A crowd of kids is starting to gather in an alley just off school property, so they pause to see what's going on.

"Is this your idea of a fucking joke?" They hear James' voice. They shove their way through the mass of people to get to the front just in time to see him shove Jett into taking a few steps back.

"What are you talking about?" Jett asks innocently, a malicious grin on his face.

"Don't play dumb, asshole!" James shouts. "You know what I'm talking about."

"Now, James," Jett says placatingly, "there's nothing to be ashamed of. I personally believe that it's great. Everyone should be free to—"

James interrupts him by punching him in the same eye that's still bruised from when Kendall hit him. "Why don't you just admit what this really is? Because I know it's not about Kendall. It's about Jo Taylor."

"Aw, what's the matter, Diamond? Mad I got in there before you had a chance? Jealous much?"

Kendall has to step in to prevent James from launching himself at Jett. "Yeah, I'm so jealous that you have to rape girls to get them into bed with you!" James yells furiously, struggling to get out of Kendall's grip.

"James!" Kendall shakes his friend's shoulders to get him to snap out of it and realize what he's done.

"Oh, fuck," James murmurs.

There's a collective gasp from the crowd and an instant buzz of talk. All eyes move from the fight to Jo, standing at the edge of the crowd. She's frozen to her spot for an instant before turning and fleeing the scene. Kendall and James force their way through the crowd in order to chase after her, leaving everyone in bemused conversation.

"Jo! Wait up!" James calls.

Jo stops running and falls to her knees in a patch of grass. "How could you do that?" She cries. Kendall wonders if she's going to start hyperventilating. She looks close to doing so. "I asked you to leave it alone! All I wanted was for it to go away!"

"I didn't mean to say it! It slipped out, I'm sorry!" James tries to apologize but his words have no effect.

"You couldn't just stay out of it," she says miserably. "I didn't want anyone to know. Don't touch me!" Her voice is shrill when James tries to lift her back onto her feet. She gets up on her own and starts walking in the direction of her house. When Kendall and James try to go with her she turns abruptly. "Don't come with me! Don't follow me."

"But—" Kendall tries to protest.

"I mean it, Kendall!"

She walks away, leaving the two boys standing there in silence.

"I didn't mean for that to happen," James says after a moment.

"I know," Kendall replies. "But now what do we do?"

"No idea."


The whispers and stares follow Kendall and James for the rest of the week. Kendall has to stop James from getting in fights several times, and this probably does nothing to quell the rumor mill. Kendall wonders whether people actually believe he and James are dating (it sounds so weird, even in his head), or if they just enjoy having something to gossip about, even though there's no truth to it at all.

Jo isn't having an easy time of it either. In the battle of most popular boy in school against three former cool-kids-turned-psycho, it's not hard to believe. Everyone seems to have sided with Jett, choosing to believe that Jo holds a grudge against him for hooking up with her and then dating her best friend. She can barely show her face anywhere without getting picked on, and every time Kendall wants to help or step in, she glares at him and leaves, refusing to speak to him.

He tries calling her a few times, but gives up when it becomes obvious that she will not pick up the phone for him.

Mrs. Knight notices the change in her son's behavior and starts to worry and fuss over him—he's not eating enough, he's not speaking enough, he seems depressed. He knows she means well, but all she's doing is making him feel suffocated.

Thursday night, when Katie and his mother are asleep, he sends a text message and gets out of bed. He gets dressed and digs out some cash he's kept for a rainy day from his underwear drawer. When his phone beeps with a reply, he's ready to go. He eases open the window and sneaks out, enjoying the winter air on his face as he walks out to the park.

He re-reads the text when he gets there, following the directions into the woods, down a dirt path, past the big tree that had been struck by lightning once, into a small clearing where twenty or so kids are gathered. Kendall stands awkwardly on the outskirts of the party until he hears his name. He looks in the direction of the voice and makes his way over, wondering if this was such a good idea after all.

Carlos claps him on the back in greeting, taking a hit off a joint and then offering it to Kendall. Kendall takes it before he can think twice about it, inhaling the smoke and holding it in his lungs until he can't stand the burn anymore.

"Now what's jock-boy Kendall Knight doing here?" Carlos' friend Wayne calls out from across the clearing, taking a swig from a glass bottle.

"Ex jock-boy," Kendall calls back, not offended by Wayne's teasing tone. He's a dick, but he's usually harmless. "Or didn't you hear? I'm crazy now." He refers to his current stint at the Palm Woods openly, no longer caring if everyone knows.

Wayne laughs and comes over to hand the bottle to Kendall, his own way of welcoming him to the party. Carlos reaches out to stop him, but Kendall knocks his hand out of the way and takes the bottle.

"So what's your deal?" Wayne asks. "Or do you always look like someone just ran over your puppy?"

Kendall laughs humorlessly and takes a drink, savoring the taste of the alcohol as it burns his tongue and throat. "You mean besides the fact that the whole school thinks I'm secretly fucking James Diamond?" He takes another drink. "Or that Jo's not speaking to me? Or that my mom is this close to losing our house because she can't afford the payments ever since I went to the hospital?" He knows he should shut up, but the alcohol has loosened his tongue, and he has no problems airing out his dirty laundry in front of everyone.

"Bummer times," Wayne says with the air of someone who can't be bothered to care about anyone else's personal life. "At least there's a party." He fishes out a small plastic container of pills and hands one to Kendall. "On me. Just this once."

Kendall eyes it warily for a minute before shrugging and popping it in his mouth, washing it down with yet another drink from the glass bottle. He feels warm and lightheaded and carefree, and God, he missed this, and he wonders for a while why he ever stopped drinking in the first place. What was so wrong with wanting to feel like nothing mattered? This is great, he thinks. Who needs treatment? All it does is make him feel guilty and sad.

He stays in the woods with Carlos and his friends nearly all night, passing out after a while and curling up at the edge of the clearing. When he wakes up his head is throbbing and his mouth feels fuzzy. He's got leaves and dirt stuck in his hair and all over his clothes. He stumbles a little when he tries to stand, nearly tripping over a girl sleeping nearby. He checks his phone for the time and pales. His mother will be waking up any minute now to get ready for her morning shift at the restaurant, and she always checks in on him and Katie before she leaves.

Fuck, Kendall thinks as he tries to force his body to move. He still feels foggy and numb, and now nauseated because he's attempting to run. He stops to catch his breath, kneeling down and inhaling deeply. His eyes are watering and he's not even sure if he's actually crying or if it's from the cold early-morning wind.

Now that he's awake and mostly sober, all he can do is think about how stupid he is. He never should have gone out to the woods, never should have taken the bottle from Wayne. For a fleeting moment, he's angry at Carlos for allowing him to come out here, but even that doesn't thwart the guilt. He was the one who texted Carlos first. He wanted to go out and get fucked up. Kendall hates himself for sabotaging his own recovery, for thinking even for a moment that he didn't need help getting past all this. Still kneeling in the dirt at the edge of the woods, he lets the nausea overtake him and vomits into a bush, spitting up mostly bile from his empty stomach. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, along with eyes, and, yes, now he's sure, he's definitely crying.

He walks slowly the rest of the way home, not bothering to hurry anymore. He can't hide from his mother, no matter how bad he wants to. An elderly man out for an early-morning stroll gives Kendall a stern look, appraising his unkempt appearance and smoky smell. Kendall ignores the man and continues on his way, past the park, down the street, around the corner, and up a few blocks until he gets to his own street. He's only a few houses away when his phone starts to ring. It's his mother.

"Hello?"

"Kendall? Kendall! Where are you?" Mrs. Knight sounds absolutely panicked.

Kendall sniffs before answering. "I'm outside," he says, just as he makes it to the edge of the driveway. He hangs up the phone and walks up to the front porch.

He's met by his mother flinging the door open to find him standing there, bleary-eyes, clothes dirty, hair with leaves stuck in it, smelling unmistakably like pot and liquor.

"Kendall! What happened to you? Where have you been?" His mother cries, pulling her son into a tight hug that he returns. His knees almost buckle but he forces himself to remain upright, letting Mrs. Knight bring him into the living room.

"Mom—" he chokes out, but it's all he can say before he lets his tears fall again, and he can't even muster up the energy to be embarrassed about crying in front of his mother at the age of seventeen.


You know what I learned this week?

The minute you think you're better, the minute you think you're ready to do things on your own, the minute you think you don't need help anymore… that is when the world will inevitably bitch-slap you back into place.

I tried so hard to keep it together for my mom, for Katie, for Jo and James and everyone. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to stop trying to be strong for them so I can learn how to be strong for myself. Is that selfish? Probably. The thing is, I don't know how not to be that person. I don't know how to not be the guy everyone looks up to. When you spend your whole life living with everyone's high expectations of you, it kind of steals your identity when suddenly no one has any expectations at all.

I thought I was figuring out who I was all this time at the Palm Woods. Turns out I still have no idea.