A/N: first item on the list. Hopefully it's not too technical or too 'full' but I kind of wanted the whole crew to be there. The next chapter will be, as per Trishata96's near-request, explosive... ;-) Oh and if anyone has good ideas/requests per item on the list or wants to proofread, let me know!


The whole crew was gathered in the mess hall. It didn't happen often that they were given some downtime and they had been promised a spectacle. The Commander had given everyone a day off before they would make the jump through the Omega-4 Relay, thinking they deserved some rest and relaxation before, well, dying, maybe. However, since they weren't docked anywhere, they had to make do on the ship. Trying to make it more fun for the whole crew, Kasumi had called Shepard on a bet. They had had EDI monitor Garrus the whole day yesterday and had her count how many times he had said the word 'calibrations'. If Shepard guessed it right, she would call the shots on what to do during downtime. Knowing Shepard, that would've inevitably been a poker tournament. If Kasumi guessed it right, it would be the thief's call. And Kasumi had won.

Shepard was the last to enter the mess hall. Everyone had already been waiting in anticipation for the last ten minutes. The Commander walked into the hall with a deadly look on her face. She was wearing tight-fitted fatigues and a tank top to match, both with the Spectre logo on them. Her red hair was tied back in a bun, as per Kasumi's instructions. Miranda stood pouting beside Kelly, wearing her white catsuit as per usual. When Miranda had told her lover she wouldn't be joining them in their 'fun', Shepard had ordered Miranda to partake in it. Technically she couldn't do that today, because they were off duty, but Shepard had a way of making the dark-haired Cerberus officer succumb to her wishes by attacking her with an army of tender kisses and caresses Miranda so lusted for.

"Hell, Miranda, I could've figured you'd wear your catsuit even now," Shepard growled while entering the small circle Kasumi had cleared for the lesson. Miranda shrugged, still pouting. Standing in the circle beside the four human women was Mordin. The salarian had reacted excitedly to Kasumi's suggestion to organize a yoga lesson and so he had joined them eagerly.

Kasumi had invited everyone, but the rest of the crew preferred to watch. Some of them had good reason, of course. Grunt probably wasn't very flexible, Legion was out of the question, and Garrus' hard scales might prove troublesome during the more difficult positions. Plus, he was still a tad grumpy about the fact that he had practically been ridiculed in the bet. Tali had muttered something about suit ruptures and had left it at that. Jack had called them pussies and said yoga was for 'weak-hearted bitches'. Zaeed agreed with her. Jacob had gotten away with saying he just wasn't flexible enough and Dr. Chakwas seconded that statement on her part. Thane had said something about his disease worsening and nobody had wanted to press such a delicate issue, not even the usually blunt Commander. Kasumi had hoped Samara would join in, thinking the asari would be very good at yoga, but Samara had said she would have to watch the lesson first in order to see whether it would conflict with her Code. That was complete bullshit of course, but the asari had refused to say anything else in the matter. Joker obviously couldn't join in, but he had set the Normandy on auto-pilot so that he at least could "watch the ladies' slender bodies bend into all kinds of alluring shapes". As he had put it himself. His comment had earned him a careful smack on the head from Tali. Even though most of the crew didn't join in in the end, they all wanted to see what was going to happen. Kasumi had promised a spectacle after all. Besides, anything that made both the great Commander and the stern Cerberus operative uneasy was a spectacle waiting to happen. And so they had all come to see the event unfold.

There were five objects of interest: an enthusiastic Kasumi, Kelly and Mordin, and a disgruntled Shepard and Miranda. On the floor were five make-shift yoga mats that Kasumi had made when she was bored in between missions. They were all in a different color. Kasumi occupied the black mat that was lying in front of the other mats. She pointed a happily smiling Kelly to a giddy yellow, the frowning Miranda to a stern white, a fidgety Mordin to a bright red and Shepard to a green.

"Combined with your red hair that will make you look very Christmassy, Shep!" Kasumi called out, eliciting a growl from the Commander. Shepard, however, was a good sport and stepped on the mat. She figured this was necessary for her crew to lift their spirits. After all, downtime had been extremely scarce lately and they were all a bit edgy in anticipation of the jump through the Omega-4 Relay. And if I make a complete fool out of myself, at least nobody will remember if we all die on the suicide mission.

But that doesn't mean I don't have to behave like an obedient puppy.

"Kasumi, if you cause me to make a fool out of myself, I might just throw you out of the airlock," Shepard stated firmly. Zaeed and Grunt let out a thundering laugh, Grunt mumbling something about him going to open the airlock straight away. Kasumi didn't seem bothered.

"Shep, you'll probably excel at this like you do at everything," was her simple, though challenging, reply. Miranda snorted a bit too loudly.

The Commander shot Miranda a look and motioned Kasumi to begin her lesson. They went through a couple basic warming exercises first to warm up their muscles. Of course, Miranda executed them perfectly fluently. Shepard was mumbling something about how she'd fall asleep if the whole lesson would be this easy. Kelly and Mordin were silent in their focus and actually not doing so bad.

"All right. Now we're all warmed up, let's start the lesson in a proper way, with the sun salutation," Kasumi said.

Shepard snickered. "Heh, that's funny, ...in space." The human crew laughed but Kasumi ignored Shepard's comment.

"Put your arms up and then sweep down into a down dog." Kelly and Miranda immediately got it, Mordin waited for Kasumi to show how to do it and then emulated it perfectly. Shepard stood there with an arched eyebrow, head tilted sideways. The Commander only started the movement after Tali gently prodded her side.

"I know a story or two about a dog, but trust me, it took a goddamn while before they went down," Zaeed sneered.

"Now place your right foot in between your hands, if you don't succeed in one go use one hand to guide your foot there, and straighten your back. Good. Then put your foot back and make a plank, like you would if you were starting push-ups."

Shepard smiled. I know how to do that! Pleased with herself, she did a push up to show off.

"Good. Go down slowly until your face is on the floor. Arch your upper back into cobra pose."

Miranda's movements were fluent as ever, her catsuit rippling here and there, accentuating her perfectly lithe body. Kelly tried her best and kept a positive attitude. She wasn't a star at yoga, but it was quickly visible that she could hold her own. Mordin was focusing so hard that he hadn't spoken a word since the start of the lecture, to everyone's relief. Shepard went into cobra pose after watching Kasumi do it and then mumbled something about having to fight the Collectors with a strained back.

Garrus, already feeling uncomfortable, thought that this cobra pose would hurt any turian. When he voiced his thoughts Jack told him he was a pussy too so he might as well join the others. Grunt then joked that Jack's quad was bigger than Garrus', sending them bickering over who had a bigger pair on the battlefield.

"Can all of you please be silent?" Kasumi asked. "This is about inner peace and strength, you're not helping if you're fighting over who's got bigger balls. And it's difficult enough already for Shep." The crew fell silent. The only audible noise was Shepard's disdained snort.

"Now from cobra you go directly back into down dog, then place both feet forward and stand up with your back straight. We'll do this for the left side also and then a couple times more to really get that energy flowing."

Truth be told, this exercise was quite doable for the Commander. She was starting to feel yoga would be something she could do after all. But she didn't know Kasumi had more in store.

"We are going to want to stretch those legs and backs a bit more and practice our weight placement. So get back to down dog and then put your right foot between your hands again," Kasumi ordered. The class followed suit.

"Straighten your back and look forward. Place your right arm on your right leg and lift your left arm over your head to stretch your side. If you can, put your right hand on the floor. But don't worry if that's too much for you."

Is that a challenge? Shepard thought. She tried placing her hand on the floor and immediately regretted it. "OW! Hell on a stick!"

The crew laughed. Grunt made a puzzled look and asked if 'hell on a stick' was something edible, which elicited even more laughter from the crew. Dr. Chakwas shook her head and told him it was a figure of speech, well, of Shepard's speech. Grunt shrugged and said humans were weird. He also asked whether this was enough to push Kasumi out of the airlock and received a smack on the head from the doctor in response.

They did a few similar exercises, stretching this and that and then bending back and forth. Mordin had very surprisingly turned out to be really good at yoga. He picked up on the movements real quick and executed them with grace and suppleness. He didn't even break a sweat. Kasumi voiced her compliments to him and Miranda a couple of times to let them know they were doing well. She also praised Kelly and Shepard so that they wouldn't feel bad, but they were definitely struggling more than the salarian and the dark-haired human.

Most men just watched Miranda flow through the poses. Interestingly enough, the perfect woman didn't sweat either which led to Jack sneering that 'the bitch might be a salarian bitch'. Joker sat with a huge smile on his face the whole time and Jacob's lip curled upward in appreciation once or twice. As Kasumi was guiding her class through one last stretch before the big finale, Tali looked at Garrus and noticed his thoughtful look and twitching mandibles.

"What are you thinking about, Garrus?" she asked in her adorable innocence.

Garrus gave a start. "Uh...calibrations..."

Shepard snickered and almost fell over because of it. That in turn made Kelly grin, who extended a hand and placed it on Shepard's hip to steady the Commander. She received a furious look from Miranda in return. The yeoman flashed an innocent smile at the stern Cerberus officer but retracted her hand just in case. Kasumi told them to go into a squat and so she did.

Shepard straightened her body first, wiping the sweat off her forehead, and looked at Miranda. "I didn't know you could bend all those ways, Miri," she teased. Miranda, who had still been looking angrily at Kelly, turned her head toward the Commander and shot her lover an angry look too. She didn't like it when the Commander talked to her like that in front of the whole crew. And the crew only made it worse by collectively bursting out in laughter.

"Why, Commander, I thought you'd know ALL the ways Lawson can bend in by now," Joker hooted. Grunt made a movement as to slap Joker on the shoulder in appreciation, but remembered the pilot's brittleness just in time and slapped Thane instead. The drell hit the krogan in his weak spot in return which made the krogan honor his self-chosen name. To Miranda's great dismay, Shepard's laugh was loudest of all.

"Shut up, Shepard, and just do what Kasumi is telling you for once," she growled. The Commander grinned sheepishly and went into a squat.

"The next position is a difficult one. Don't feel bad if you can't do it. But at least try. This pose is called 'bakasana'. Place your hands firmly in front of you, spread your fingers. Feel the floor, feel your strength. Spread your knees so that they face outward and place your thighs up against your upper arms. It's kind of like you're a frog." Shepard couldn't hold in her snicker at that comment. Miranda sighed.

"Shepard-"

"All right all right, you don't have to go all Cerberusy on me, Miranda," Shepard said defensively.

"In the bedroom however..." Joker whispered just loud enough for Garrus to hear. The turian let out a low grumble, which was his version of a silent laugh.

"Okay. When you're comfortable in this position, lean forward and put pressure on your thighs. You want them firm and pressed against your arms. Then gently lift one foot, and if you can, the other." In a split second Kasumi was balancing on her hands, her feet up in the air. She then straightened her arms somewhat and lifted herself even further. The crew gazed in wonder.

Huh. Shepard looked around to see if the others succeeded in doing this position. Miranda was up in the air in a fly, of course. Damn that woman. MY perfect woman, Shepard thought with a tinge of jealousy but mostly with growing admiration. Kelly was swaying back and forth a bit before she finally managed to lift both feet. She didn't straighten her arms however, content to be in the pose as she was. Mordin surprised everyone again by practically jumping into the pose like it was nothing. He was still silent.

Damn it. Everyone's doing it. Hell. Here I go.

Shepard placed her thighs against her upper arms like Kasumi had instructed and put her weight forward. She attempted lifting one foot, lunged forward a bit too much for her taste and put her foot back on the floor again. Shit. She tried again. This time one foot did go up successfully, though the Commander was now wobbling dangerously. The others were already coming out of their pose and were settling on the floor to watch Shepard struggle. All eyes were on the Commander now.

"Come on, Shepard!" Tali shouted encouragingly.

"Yeah, show them Commander!" Jacob added.

"This should be good," Jack, Grunt and Zaeed practically commented at the same time. They looked at each other and burst out laughing once more. Samara shot them an intimidating look as if to say that they were on the verge of breaching the Code. It immediately silenced them.

Time for the second foot.

Shepard tried to lift her second foot and promptly lost her balance. She plunged forward, landing on her face hard.

"OW! Fucking frog! What the fuck? OW! How the fuck do you do that?!" she yelled, still face-palming the floor. Her little dive had sent the whole crew roaring. Joker nearly fell over laughing and sprained his left shin bone in the process, but it was definitely worth it.

Kelly walked over to Shepard and lifted her up gently. She then got shoved aside brutally by Miranda.

"Are you hurt, Shepard?" Miranda asked, tenderly brushing her fingers over her girlfriend's sore forehead.

Shepard grunted in shame. "No."

"Great fun. Actually felt like a frog. Didn't know I could do that. Learned a lot today. Yoga is refreshing. Should do it more often. Can help teach you, Shepard. Will do more research on that. You know where to find me if you need me." Mordin had very obviously gotten his ability to speak back. With a final nod at Kasumi he left for his lab to start his new research immediately.

Miranda smiled and planted a kiss on Shepard's forehead. "Thanks for the lesson, Kasumi. It's good to know the Commander isn't good at everything she does. After all, we can't all be perfect," she said with a grin.

Kasumi nodded and grinned back. "I hope for your sake that Shep is better in the sack than she is at yoga!"

Everyone expected Miranda to go into a fit after that remark. It wasn't exactly a secret that she didn't like anyone commenting on her relationship with the Commander. But Miranda actually laughed. "Oh, trust me, she is."

Joker sprained another bone.

Shepard grinned impishly. An idea had just popped into her head and she was so going to take advantage of Miranda's sudden relaxation. If this works, I'm ordering Miranda to do yoga every day.

"Lawson. On second thought I think I am hurt. Can you escort me back to my cabin to make sure I get there safely? And then maybe you can...nurse me?" The Commander grinned stupidly while the crew tried so very hard to hold in their upcoming fits of laughter in anticipation of the dark-haired woman's reply.

Miranda frowned, immediately displeased by the turn of events, but she couldn't back down now. That would actually make her look more stupid than if she'd play along. So she decided to make it even more rowdy.

"Of course, Shepard. Though I'm warning you. My nursing abilities will make you scream," she replied while taking hold of the Commander's hand and herding her lover to the elevator. Shepard, a silly grin locked firmly on her face, looked back at her flabbergasted crew and winked.