Chapter 19: Come Back to Me

Come back to me, I'll be here waiting
Cause I'm on my knees and my love's not fading
If you could see the sad look on my face
You'd be in your car headed back to my place


No one really thinks much of it when Carlos and Lucy don't show up for school on Monday. No one except James, anyway. It wasn't exactly a secret that both of them liked to ditch classes in order to go smoke in the park or whatever, so Camille and the others assume that's what they're doing.

At any rate, Camille has other things on her mind because when she decides to go to the drama club meeting during lunch, she's surprised at how easily everyone welcomes her back. It's almost as if she'd never left—almost. She can tell when people's eyes linger on her a little longer than necessary, and she's painfully aware of what they must be thinking of her. How she went and landed herself at the Palm Woods. How she knew the girl who died there. How she hangs out with all the other crazy kids who go there, too—even dates one of them.

But most of that doesn't matter, because rather than make her feel more awkward than she already did, everyone is pretty willing to let back into the club without making a big deal out of it. She was right about being too late to audition for a part, but they were in need of a competent props manager, and that was better than not being involved at all.

She's also surprised at how easily she falls back into her old self. She remembers how much she used to love drama, before her eating disorder took over her life and wrecked it. She remembers the feeling of being up on the stage, of making everyone believe that she really was whatever character she was playing. She always tried to feel everything, every part she played, because she wanted her audience to feel it too. She guesses that's why people had a tendency to call her dramatic, and sometimes weird. But it wasn't weird to her; it made perfect sense. She was just more of a method actor than most kids her age.

Not that it makes any difference now, she thinks. She won't have to worry about that for this production, since she'll be strictly behind the scenes. Maybe that would be for the better, though. She isn't sure she's ready to have people watching her closely, judging her every move. And aside from all of that, it's time to focus and get serious about her future. Her college acceptance letters are starting to come in, and it's going to take some serious thought to figure out where she wants to be next year and what she wants to study.

She finds herself having the same dilemma as Jo. Logan had already decided to stay close to home, and at first Camille had no trouble believing that she should too. But now… well she'd gotten into a couple of other places out of state and suddenly the idea of having real options scares her. Should she stay and be close to Logan, and her dad, and the Palm Woods?

Or could she move away and find out what life is like away from all of that?

For now, though, she shakes her head to clear it of these thoughts, instead turning back to the thick script she'd been given by her drama teacher. As the group chats and runs lines and blocks their scenes, Camille sits in the audience and watches, making notes about the props they would need for the production. It's a bit tedious, but it's still fun and she gets to be involved and when the bell rings signaling the end of the period, she feels lighter than she has in ages.


James sits awkwardly across from Jo and Kendall as they have a quiet but heated argument about Jo's college decision. He listens as Jo maintains that nothing has to change and Kendall scoffs at her and rolls his eyes. For once, James is grateful to be in study hall, because if they were anywhere else, the couple would probably be full on yelling at each other for the world to hear.

"Stop acting like this isn't a big deal," Kendall hisses, lowering his voice as Ms. Shipley walks by, glaring down at the trio disapprovingly.

"I'm not acting," Jo replied, clenching her jaw. "I didn't tell you about because I knew this would happen! I'm staying here next year, and that's it. It's my decision to make, and I made it."

The bell rings and the rest of the students bolt, grateful for the end of the day, and James has to exert a lot of effort into not doing the same, instead listening as Jo and Kendall continue to bicker all the way down the hallway.

Truthfully, he's on Kendall's side, but Jo is just as much his best friend, so he tries to stay out of it. He can see why she wants to deny that anything is wrong, but how could it not be? Anyone in their right mind would give their right arm to go to Princeton, and here Jo was saying that she didn't even want it—that she'd be just as happy with going to the University of Minnesota with all the other townies and burnouts who couldn't get in anywhere else.

James snorts a bit at himself at this thought. He'll be one of those townies next year, probably taking classes that make him miserable in preparation for a career that will also probably make him miserable.

When he veers off to go to his own locker, Jo and Kendall keep walking, oblivious to everything but the argument they've rehashed over and over.

"I just don't understand why you won't even consider it," Kendall says.

"What are you trying to do, Kendall? Do you want me to go? Is this your not-subtle-at-all way of saying you're ready to break up?"

"Of course not! But Princeton is like, one of the best schools in the country! An opportunity like that might only come once in a lifetime, and you deserve to go there."

Jo stops walking and looks up at her boyfriend, who still looks agitated. "Maybe you only come once in a lifetime."

Kendall's eyes soften at that and he doesn't reply. He knows what she means; he isn't purposely taking it the wrong the way, but he can't help but feel like if she stays here for him, all he'll be doing is holding her back.


By Monday night, when James still hasn't heard from either Carlos or Lucy, he knows something has to be wrong. Even if they were together, they never just ignored him.

He's on the verge of calling the Garcias' house and asking Carlos' parents where he is, when the number he's about to look for on his phone pops up onto his screen and it vibrates in his hand. James rolls his eyes. Carlos must have broken his phone, he thinks.

"Carlos, where the hell have you been all day?" He says, not bothering with hello.

There's silence for a moment on the other end of the line, then a woman speaks. "I'm looking for James Diamond?"

James' eyes widen and he nearly drops the phone. "Mrs. Garcia?"

"Yes. Is this James?"

"Wha—oh, yeah. Sorry! Um, can I help you with something?"

"I was wondering if you had seen or heard from Carlos today. The school called and said he was absent, and he hasn't come home yet either."

"Oh. No, I haven't seen him. None of us have."

"You're sure, mijo? He didn't ask you not to tell us where he is?"

"I swear, Mrs. Garcia, I've been trying to get ahold of him today too. Is—is everything alright? Is he… missing?"

Mrs. Garcia sighs. "Technically, not yet. It hasn't been twenty-four hours, but since Carlos' father works at the station, he's pulling some strings to have some of his officers keep a look out. Can you think of anywhere he might be? Or who he would be with?"

James pauses. "I don't know where he could be… but wherever he is, I think he's probably with Lucy. She wasn't at school today either."

"Thank you, James."

"Sure, Mrs. Garcia. Let me know if you hear anything."

"I will. Goodbye."

He clicks his phone off and stares down at it, deep in thought. Had they… what, run away together? But why would they do that so close to graduation? And whose idea was it, anyway? Had he driven Lucy away by insisting they tell Carlos they'd slept together? Was he the reason they were now nowhere to be found?

James dials Carlos' cell phone number one last time and decides to leave a message. When the voicemail picks up, he takes a shaky breath before speaking.

"Carlos? It's me. Look, can you just… I don't know where you are or whether you're with Lucy, but your mom just called me freaking out because you haven't been home, and the police are going to start looking for you soon. Call me back, man. Where the hell are you?"

He ends the call and looks toward his desk, where some textbooks and sheets of paper sit waiting for him to finish his homework. There's reading to be done and some math problems he needs to look at but with everything else going on, he can't bring himself to care tonight. So he shoves everything back into his bag and gets ready for bed, closing his eyes and hoping to fall into a deep sleep.

Instead he tosses and turns for what feels like hours, thinking about what happened with Lucy and feeling guilty that he'd betrayed his best friend. All he had to do was keep his feelings in check. Lucy had made her choice but he still had to step in and ruin everything, and now the two people he cared about most were gone and he had no clue how to begin looking for them.

Part of him still wants to think that the couple had just blown off the day and would be back tomorrow, laughing at James for how worried he was. He manages to convince himself that this will be the case—he'll see them in the morning, and they'll give him shit for blowing up their phones with texts and calls, and everything will go back to… well, not normal, but as close as they ever get to it. Comforted by that thought, James drifts off to sleep and doesn't hear it when his phone vibrates with a text on the nightstand next to him.

With L. Tell others not to worry. Do me a favor? Give my mom a msg. Tell her I'm sorry but she knows why I had to go. Not her fault. But I can't do it. Thx.


James struggles through school all the next day, wondering what the message from Carlos meant. At lunch he tells everyone Mrs. Garcia called him, but he isn't exactly sure that he wants to show her the text.

"Don't be ridiculous," Jo says. "She's worried sick about him, you have to tell her. She deserves to know he isn't lying dead in a ditch somewhere."

"But what is he even talking about?" James argues. "'She knows why I had to go'? Maybe he had a good reason for taking off. Maybe they both did…" He trails off and looks down, thinking of the bruises he'd seen on Lucy's neck.

"James, we've all wanted to run away at some point this year. Running away from your problems doesn't make them go away," she replies, her tone softer. "You know that. You have to tell her."

"I have to agree with Jo," Logan adds, reading the message himself. "You know how Carlos is. He's impulsive and so is Lucy. You have no idea what kind of trouble they could get into by themselves with no one to reign them in."

"He's right, man." Kendall gives him a serious look. "I get that you want to protect them, I do. But this isn't the way to do it."

"Okay, fine. Fine. I'll go to his house after school today."

When the bell rings and the last period of the day ends, James again walks down the hall with Kendall and Jo, lost in thought and not hearing their conversation until Jo disappears and he's left standing with only the blonde boy to his left.

"Earth to James?"

"Sorry," James blinks. "I'm just thinking about what to say to Mrs. Garcia."

"What about Lucy's parents? Are you going to tell them?"

James looks away, uncomfortable. "I actually think it might better if they don't know where she is."

Kendall frowns. "What does that mean?"

"Something's wrong, Kendall. She needs to get out of there."

"James, what is it? What do you know?"

"Look, I'm not supposed to—you can't tell anyone. Not yet, at least."

"What, James?"

"I think her stepdad abuses her."

Kendall stops to absorb the information. "You mean like… he hits her?"

"Not just that," James shakes his head. "I was at her house and we—"

"You what?"

He avoids the question. "There were bruises on her neck. Like finger prints. Like someone had choked her."

"Did you ask her about them?"

James nods. "At first I thought maybe I had—but I know I didn't, and then she said her stepdad gets mad when he drinks and she gets in his way. It was just… she was so casual about it, like it didn't bother her or like it was just totally normal and that's what freaked me out the most. But I think.. I think that's why she's in therapy, or at least it's part of the reason. She can't tell anyone, you know? She's afraid of him."

"Holy shit." Kendall lets out a long breath. "Fuck. James—wait. Why would you think you had done it? Unless you two were… James. Please tell me you didn't."

"I slept with her," he admits, unable to bring himself to look Kendall in the eye. "There was this whole… I had fought with my mom and we were getting high and I was trying to get her to tell me what was bothering her, and we just… I didn't mean for it to happen, you have to believe me."

"Holy shit," Kendall says again. "How could you do that to Carlos? He's your best friend!"

"I know! I know. It was so… I feel like shit about it, alright? I wanted to tell him but Lucy said we shouldn't because it wouldn't change anything, and then they both disappeared, so what the fuck am I supposed to do about it? I have no fucking idea where they could be and now I have to be the one to tell Carlos' mom that she's the reason he left, I guess, and what happens when they come back? How am I supposed to just let Lucy go back to that house knowing what her stepdad does to her? How am I supposed to ever look Carlos in the eye after what I did?"

"I don't know," Kendall shakes his head. "This is so…"

"Fucked up?"

"Tiring. It's tiring."

"Great attitude to have about your friends," James responds sarcastically.

"I don't mean it like that. It's just… if it's not one thing it's another. Nothing's ever simple. Nothing's easy. Why isn't it?"

"Are you forgetting who we are?" James asks incredulously. "Do you remember how we met? Nothing about any of us is simple."

"I know. Do you want me to come with you to see Mr. and Mrs. Garcia?"

"No. I'll go."

"Good luck."

He's nervous as he drives to Carlos' house, fretting over how to give Mrs. Garcia the news and still unable to decide if he should tell her that Carlos admitted he was with Lucy. Her mother must be worried about her… but how can James force her to come back now, knowing what he knows about her stepdad?

When he rings the doorbell, Javier answers, saying nothing and waiting for James to explain his presence.

"Is your mom home?" He finally asks.

"You're James," is the reply. "You're friends with my brother."

"Yeah," he nods. "Can I come in?"

Javier stands aside to let him in and leads him into the living room, where Mrs. Garcia sits and stares at phone as if willing it with her mind to ring.

"Mom?"

She looks up and notices James, leaping to her feet. "James? What is it? Did you hear from Carlos? Where is he? Is he alright?"

"I—" James swallows thickly, unable to meet the distressed gaze coming from Mrs. Garcia's eyes. "Yeah. I heard from Carlos," he manages to get out.

Mrs. Garcia looks only marginally relieved. "What did he say, James? Please, just tell me he's safe."

"I—I think he's fine. He said to tell you not to worry, but he didn't tell me where he is. And he… he, um, he said to tell you that—that he's sorry."

The woman's eyes fill with tears, and not knowing what else to do, James allows her to hug him tightly, cradling the small lady in his arms as she sobs. "You're—you're sure that's all he said?"

"There was more," James admits softly, pained at having to give her the rest of the message, because he knows that if she isn't already blaming herself for her son's absence, she definitely will be when he tells her the next part. "He said that it's not your fault, but that you would know why he had to leave. And that he can't do it."

At this, Mrs. Garcia's legs give out and James supports her, keeping her upright and guiding her back to the couch, where she hides her face behind her hands as she continues to weep. "This is all my fault. How could I not see this coming?"

"It's not your fault," James tries. "There was nothing—once he makes up his mind about something he just goes with it. Everyone knows that."

"I drove him away," she says miserably. "I never should have suggested… We were going to have him go stay at his uncle's ranch. Just to have a fresh start, get away from everything here. Get his head back on straight. As soon as he heard it… I should have known he would never go along with it and now…"

"I'm sorry." He wishes he could do anything to offer her any more comfort, but in all honesty he's starting to shut down. He feels like he's about to go into shock or something and that combined with the guilt he still feels about Lucy and the mind-numbing worry that is starting to consume him make him feel like he needs to pass out or punch something, whichever opportunity presents itself first.

"Thank you for letting me know he's safe," Mrs. Garcia sniffs. "Please, if he calls you again…"

"You'll be the first to know," James promises.


Camille doesn't have it in her to feel anything other than blind focus. Between school and the play and her friends being missing, she's pretty sure that if she stops to try to process it all, it's going to send her into a spiral that she can't afford to give in to right now. Her medication helps with this, since it numbs out a lot of her extreme emotions, and she's glad to have the pills for the first time since being prescribed to them.

By Tuesday evening she's gathered and organized all the props they would need from the theater's supply closet, making notes of who needed what and when and ensuring that they were easily accessible backstage to the actors. Impressed with the work she'd put in, the drama teacher promotes her to assistant director and saddles her with even more responsibilities, even though the production is scheduled to go on at the end of the week… Her first free weekend out of the Palm Woods.

She accepts the promotion not without some apprehension, but she figures she needs this to keep her mind off other things.

When Wednesday rolls around and still no one has heard again from either Carlos or Lucy, she has half a mind to agree with James and go out and search for the pair themselves.

"We wouldn't even know where to start," Logan reminds her. "They could be anywhere in the city. They could be anywhere in the state by now."

"They can't possibly be that far," James argues. "If they used credit cards they'd be found. No way Carlos had that much cash stashed in his room."

"He's been dealing for like two years now," Kendall says. "Do you know how much bank he could have made in that time? He was probably saving up so he'd have enough to move out after graduation. It's out of the question, James. We don't need any more of us to go missing."

"Alright, mom, I'll stay here and just wait around while our best friends are out god knows where."

"I want them back too! Do you think I don't know how serious this is?" Kendall yells, starting to lose his temper. "Carlos and Lucy know how to take care of themselves, and if they don't want to be found, they're not going to be."

James and the others fall silent at this. Kendall's right. There's nothing else to say.


Thursday night is stressful. When Camille arrives to the theater for rehearsal, her anxiety level instantly starts rising. Students are rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off, panicking about forgotten lines and misplaced props and ill-fitting costumes. The drama teacher finally succeeds in getting the cast and crew to calm down, emotions running high as the final dress rehearsal before opening night begins.

The run-through goes smoothly enough considering the chaos of the start of the evening, and everything actually seems fine up until the second act. Everyone has their lines down and their props in hand, and Camille thinks that everything might actually turn out okay.

But then Anna, who plays the female lead, stumbles over a line in the first scene of the second act and freezes. When their drama teacher prompts her for the line, Anna covers her mouth with her hand and runs off stage, leaving everyone bewildered. Camille follows her, concerned, and finds the poor girl in the bathroom, retching over a toilet and sounding as though she's about to cough up her insides.

"Anna?"

"I'm—I'm fine," Anna chokes, looking anything but. "Just give me a minute." The girl is shaking and looks paler than death as she heaves again, and Camille turns away, going to fetch Ms. Foust and inform her of the problem.

Sure enough, Anna has a fever but tries to insist that she can continue with the rehearsal, despite the fact that she looks like she could vomit again at any moment. Ms. Foust ignores her protestations and calls Anna's parents to come pick her up.

"I think you have food poisoning," Ms. Foust informs her. "What did you eat today?"

"It can't be! Everyone else would have it, too!"

Camille shakes her head. "I think you're the only one who had the fish today, Anna."

She's verging on hysterical, but Ms. Foust remains calm until Anna's parents arrive, explaining to them what's happened as they lead their daughter to the car, still trying to prove that she can perform.

"Now what?" Camille asks. "We don't have any understudies for her part."

"You'll have to do it," the teacher replies briskly. "You've watched the rehearsals and read the script a dozen times."

"What? No! I—Opening night is tomorrow! I can't be ready by then!"

"Camille, I know for a fact you've performed the part in community theater before. It'll be just like riding a bicycle. We'll run through it tonight to refresh your memory, but the show must go on! You know that better than anyone."

The thin girl's heart beats loudly in her chest, but Ms. Foust smiles at her encouragingly and goes back into the theater to deliver the news to the rest of the cast.

Rehearsal takes extra long that night, and there are a few hiccups along the way, but Camille finds that she's missed this. A lot. She remembers why she loved being on stage so much, the way she felt when she could make an audience laugh or cry with her… She remembers how much she meant it when she used to say that this was what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.


Lucy opens her eyes and blinks at her dingy surroundings; the walls of the dim, dirty motel room she and Carlos had been staying in pressing in at her from all sides. The boy beside her continues to sleep, if not peacefully then at least deeply thanks to the combination of substances they'd ingested the night before.

She slips out of the bed silently and picks up her bag, shutting herself into the tiny bathroom and looking for a moment of respite from the suffocating feeling weighing on her chest.

She had thought this would be a good idea. It seemed right at the time, to get away from home, to take the escape route and get out from under Jack's thumb. And to be away from James, because no matter how much she tried to fight it, she couldn't seem to keep herself away from him.

Lucy reaches into her bag and pulls out the small box containing her razorblade, picking one up carefully and pressing it to her arm just hard enough to feel the sting, but not quite breaking skin yet. Carlos snores from the other room and Lucy loses her concentration and her nerve, taking a breath and lifting the blade from her arm. There's a faint red mark there where she'd been pressing down, but even as she watches, it starts to fade.

When she re-enters the bedroom, Carlos is stirring, opening his eyes sleepily and yawning widely. "Morning."

"Morning," Lucy mumbles back.

The two stare at each other in silence for a few moments, neither having much to say.

"You hungry?" Carlos finally asks.

"We don't have any food," she replies. "And we shouldn't waste the cash."

"So what are we supposed to do, starve?" Carlos rolls his eyes and stands up. "I'm gonna take a shower. And then we'll figure something out."

Lucy waits until the door is closed behind him and the water is on before she moves again. She reaches for her bag again and this time pulls out her cell phone, which she hadn't even turned on in days. As it comes to life and acquires a signal, it immediately starts buzzing with miss calls, voicemails, and texts. Her mother has left several voicemails and text messages. So have James and Camille. Logan, Kendall, and Jo have also tried to reach her. Then, of course, there's Jack. His message merely reads: get your ass back home. You'll be sorry.

She wants desperately to contact them, to let them know that she's safe at the very least… but she knows she can't. She isn't strong enough to resist them, because she knows that if she hears her mother begging her to come home, or the desperation in James' voice, she'll break. She'll lose her resolve and run back to them, and that's out of the question. Partially because Carlos needs her, no matter how much he says he'd be fine alone, which was his original plan, and partially because she's afraid to face what awaits her at home if she goes back. Jack. James. Her friends. School.

No, she decides, turning her phone back off, this was the right thing.

After his shower, Carlos and Lucy walk down to the nearby grocery store, where Lucy buys a few things while Carlos sneaks around shoving things surreptitiously into his pockets and backpack. Her heart pounds in her chest and she tries to act natural, terrified that they'll be caught shoplifting and arrested. But Carlos is sneaky—much more sneaky than she actually thought him capable of—and they leave the store unscathed. Both of them burst into a fit of nervous laughter as they round the corner, relief flooding through them as they push aside their guilt and tear into some of the food they'd acquired.

"I finally looked at my phone," Lucy comments, biting into an apple.

Carlos frowns. "Did you—"

"I didn't call anyone," she promises. "Everyone's freaking out, though."

"I know," Carlos sighs. "I texted James the night we left… You can't tell anyone where we are, Luce."

"I won't."

"Seriously. Because you're eighteen. They can't make you go back if you really don't want to. But I'm not. And if I go back, my parents are going to ship me off to Montana to live with my uncle. I'm not doing that."

"I won't tell anyone," Lucy repeats.

"Okay." Carlos finishes off the candy bar he'd opened and wipes his hands on his jeans. "I'm really glad you came with me, though. I shouldn't have tried to leave without you in the first place."

Lucy smiles at this. "You wouldn't have lasted this long without me."

"You're probably right. And look…" He hesitates, not sure if he wants to broach the subject again. "I really am sorry about what happened with Nina. Wayne got in my head with all this shit about how you guys just want to change me and… I don't know. I snapped I guess. It had nothing to do with you. I—I love you."

Lucy swallows thickly. "I love you, too." Now Lucy hesitates, wondering what she should say to him, knowing that he's waiting for her to elaborate on what she meant when she told him they were 'even.'

"I know I have no right to ask you this—"

"You want to know who it was," she finishes for him.

"Well… yeah."

"Does it really matter?" Lucy asks. "It's not going to change anything."

"Maybe not. But I was honest with you. Don't you think I deserve the same?"

"Telling you wouldn't make you feel better. And it wouldn't make me feel better. You're not going to like it, or me, when I tell you."

"Lucy, would you just—"

"It was James."

The silence that follows… She wishes it would somehow swallow her whole, sink her into the ground and let her disappear. Lucy stares down at the ground, afraid to look up because she can feel Carlos boring holes into her skull with his eyes.

"James." It's not a question. He doesn't sound shocked, or even mad. He sounds hollow. Like it's the worst possible thing she could have said…and it is. "You were right. I don't feel better. How could you… after everything? I knew you wanted him. The whole time, didn't you?"

"That's not what it was about."

"Then what?"

It's almost time to come clean, Lucy thinks. So in response, she rolls up her sleeve, revealing the pattern of scars up her forearm that Carlos has seen dozens of times but never really looked at. It's hard to imagine that every single one was a separate event, a moment in time where Lucy literally had nowhere else to turn to relieve the pain. It's scary, if he's honest. He watches as she runs her finger down a long gash that looks as if it's only recently been healed.

"Do you even know why I'm in therapy?" She asks.

"Because of that," Carlos answers, looking down at her arm.

"Right. But do you know why?"

"How could I? You never let anyone in, Luce. Not even me. I thought that after all this time… But you still keep me at arm's length. You still run to James even after everything."

"I have to."

"But why? Why don't you ever tell me anything?"

"Because I belong to him!"

"So it is about James," Carlos says flatly. "What was the point of us—"

"Not James!" Lucy interrupts. "My stepdad. Jack."

"W—what?" He tries to absorb what she's saying to him, but it doesn't want to compute. She can't be saying what he thinks she is. When she remains silent, Carlos looks around as if hoping someone or something will magically appear to make this moment disappear. "Fuck. Lucy. He—he hurts you, doesn't he?"

"You could call it that," Lucy replies, emotionless. She pulls the collar of her shirt aside, revealing the bruises that are just barely visible. "He doesn't like it when I struggle," she explains.

"Are you telling me that he-?" He can't even say it. It's too horrible to think about.

"He started off slow," she tells him. "Reading me stories at night, tucking me into bed. Then eventually he'd get in bed with me, tell me he was keeping me safe."

"I don't think I want—"

"I was eleven the first time he touched me," Lucy continues, speaking as if she doesn't hear him. "And I knew it was wrong, but he scared me. He told me not to tell anyone or I'd be sorry. It wasn't every night. Just when he was especially drunk. Sometimes it would be so long that I'd think he decided to stop, you know? But no. When I was fourteen I went on my first date with a kid from school. Bryce Porter, you remember him? Jack didn't like that."

"Lucy—"

"I begged him not to. At least, I think I did. Sometimes I can't tell how much of what I said was just in my head. But he didn't listen to me, obviously. I was his, I belonged to him, and that night he made sure I knew it."

"Fuck, Luce…"

"That's funny, right? I had sex with someone before I'd ever even had my first kiss."

"That's not… Lucy, that doesn't count."

"I know what you're going to say," Lucy says dismissively. "That doesn't count as your first time, what he did to you isn't really sex. I've heard it all before. But what about the second time? Or the third? Or every time after that when I didn't even bother to cry or to say no?"

"You mean he did it more than once?"

"He still does. He does it whenever he feels like it, Carlos. And I let him."

"Haven't you told anyone? Your mom? Your therapist?"

Lucy shakes her head. "He'd kill me if he ever found out I told someone. James happened to come over after Jack had just—"

"Raped you."

"I just needed it out of my head. I needed to replace it with something else and he was there. It's a bad excuse, okay? But it has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I wasn't trying to hurt you either."

"No. But you were right about something else: it doesn't change anything. I believe that you love me. But even though it had nothing to do with me, it still has everything to do with James too."

"Carlos."

"Stop denying it, Lucy! I know everyone thinks I'm dumb or whatever, just a burn-out loser drug dealer. And that's fine with me because keeping everyone's expectations low is the best way to get people to butt out of your business, but I'm not stupid, alright? You love him too; anyone with half a brain can see it, even me."

"But I'm with you."

"I know that. What I don't know is why. There must be a reason-you didn't just flip a coin over us. I just can't figure out what the reason is. But whatever it is, I'm still glad you're here. I still want to be with you."

"You're not mad at me?"

"I'm mad at everything right now. But I still love you."


That night, Carlos has trouble getting to sleep. He's thinking about Lucy and what kind of hell she must have been going through all these years, forced to live under the same roof as Jack. He's also worried because they're blowing through a lot of cash by staying in the motel and having to buy every meal, and he's thinking it's time to start making some of it back.

Lucy wakes up and it's still dark out, but when she rolls over, expecting to see Carlos sleeping beside her, she finds that he's not there. The small room they've been sharing is empty. She sits up quickly, wondering where he could be and trying not panic. He could just be getting some air, or maybe he got hungry and went to 24-hour corner store down the street.

When he walks in not three minutes later, his lip is bleeding and even in the darkness Lucy can see the bruise forming along his jawline, and she doesn't miss the way he clutches his side, wincing every time he takes a breath.

"Carlos? What the hell happened to you? Where did you go?"

"We needed some cash." He pulls an empty pill bottle out of his pocket and tosses it to her.

"But what happened to you?" She repeats.

"Look, it's not a big deal."

"Carlos!"

"There were some guys out there who warned me to take off, alright? They don't want someone else selling anything in their neighborhood."

"Jesus Christ, are you alright?"

"I'll be fine."

The next night, Carlos goes out again, even though Lucy protests. But when he's not back by 2 AM, she grows restless and wonders if she should look for him. He'd left his phone behind, so she can't even attempt to call him and find out where he is, but she decides that sitting in the dark room alone isn't helping anything.

Lucy grabs her phone and her bag and leaves the motel, walking down the dark street and searching for any sign of Carlos. She's walked nearly half a mile before she starts to feel hopeless, turning down another street and hoping that she'll be able to find her way back to the motel. A few yards away, she can hear voices coming from a parking lot behind a gas station and she approaches cautiously, willing her heart to stop pounding so loudly.

"Look, fucker, we told you steer clear of this area!"

"I'm not looking for trouble, man! I just need some cash, alright?"

She recognizes Carlos' voice instantly and quickens her pace, stepping into an area lit by a street light just in time to watch as a big guy punches Carlos in the stomach while someone else holds his arms back.

"Carlos!"

His head snaps up at the sound of her voice and his eyes widen. "Lucy, don't! Get out of here!"

Lucy ignores him and tries to hurry toward him, but the big guy steps in front of her. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, pretty girl."

"Let him go!"

"Not yet. It seems your boyfriend here didn't learn his lesson last night."

The two guys beat Carlos badly, and even go so far as to shove Lucy to the ground when she tries to stop them once more, yanking her by her hair and causing her to yelp loudly in pain.

"Leave her alone," Carlos gasps as he takes a kick to his side. "She has nothing to do with it! Lucy, leave!"

"Better listen to him, sweetie. I don't think you want to witness this."

Lucy freezes for a moment before locking eyes with Carlos. He begs her silently to take off and she nods slightly, backing away from the scene, cringing when she hears him groan. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and dials 911, shakily giving the operator her location. By the time she's off the phone, the two guys have taken off, leaving Carlos lying in a crumpled unconscious heap on the ground.

When the ambulance arrives, Lucy is crying hysterically, having been unable to awaken Carlos. She had managed to get his nose to stop bleeding, but there was nothing she could do about the beating he had taken to his torso and back. As the paramedics strap Carlos onto a stretcher, the driver of the vehicle wraps Lucy in a blanket and guides her into the back, instructing her in words she doesn't even process to remain calm as they make their way to the hospital.

Carlos is rushed into the emergency room, nurses running around in a frenzy to take his vital signs and try to assess the damage while they wait for a doctor. Lucy shakes her head when someone asks her if Carlos has any substances in his system and only stares back helplessly when they want to know if he had any allergies. How well did she really know him? She'd thought she knew everything about him, but she can't even remember if he's allergic to antibiotics.

Lucy isn't allowed to go with Carlos, wherever they're taking him, so she sits in the empty waiting room, staring down at her phone, her finger hovering over the contacts button.


James is starting to wonder whether he'll ever get a full night's sleep again. As he lays awake in bed, all he can do is toss and turn and worry. He almost thinks he's imagining things when his phone vibrates beside him, and he stares down at the name on the screen for several seconds before his brain manages to tell him to answer the call.

"Lucy?"

"J-James."

"Lucy? What's wrong? Where are you? …Hello?"

"James…We're in trouble."

James sits up quickly. "What kind of trouble? Lucy, what's going on?"

"We're in the Bloomington hospital."

"Bloomington? The hospital? What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. It's… it's Carlos. He's hurt and they won't let me see him and I don't know what to do, James."

"Okay just… just calm down. No. You know what, fuck it, I'm coming over there."

"It's the middle of the night."

"I don't care! Just hold on for a little while, okay? I'm leaving right now."

James hangs up the phone without saying goodbye and throws on some wrinkled clothes from the floor before grabbing his keys and wallet and sneaking out of his room. Once he's downstairs he leaves a note for his mom telling her not to worry, and quietly exits the front door, remembering to reset the alarm. Moments ago he'd felt utterly exhausted, and yet was unable to sleep. Now sleep is the furthest thing from his mind.

The drive down to Bloomington is one that should take about an hour and a half, but James makes it in just under an hour, going at breakneck speeds down the deserted highway.

James makes it to the hospital in one piece, no thanks to his reckless driving, and rushes into the waiting room, where he finds Lucy sitting alone, shivering under the blanket that the paramedics hadn't taken back from her.

When she sees him, Lucy leaps from her chair and flies into his arms, allowing James to hug her tightly, even lifting her off her feet a little. He strokes her hair and realizes she is crying into his shoulder.

"You really came," she chokes.

"Of course I did. You didn't think I'd just leave you here like this?"

"I didn't—I don't—"

"Shh, it's okay. It's fine. What's going on with Carlos? Have they told you anything?"

"He's stable," Lucy replies. "He's stable but he's still unconscious. He has two fractured ribs and a mild concussion, but there's no internal bleeding, and…"

"And what?"

"They say I can see him whenever he wakes up, but James, they found his wallet in his pocket. They recognized him from the missing persons list. They've already called his parents. Mrs. Garcia is going to take him home, and then what do I do? I can't go home, James. I can't back to that! Jack will kill me."

"We don't have to figure this out now, okay? We need to focus on Carlos."

"I know! It's just, oh my god, Mrs. Garcia is going to hate me."

"She's not going to hate you."

They fall into a silence for a few moments, both of them listening to sounds of nurses' footsteps as they make their rounds.

"I told him about us," Lucy says quietly.

James looks up in surprise. "You did? What did he say? What happened?"

"He still loves me."

"Of course he does." James looks at the ceiling.

"Does that disappoint you?"

"No," he lies. "Lucy, why did you call me?"

"I just—I didn't know what to do."

"But why me? Logan or Kendall would have been here in a heartbeat too." When she remains silent, James presses on. "He loves you, right? And you love him. But why did you call me?"

"Why did you come?" She counters.

"You know why. Don't turn this back on me. I have no problems admitting how I feel about you. And even if you never say it back, I don't care. Because deep down, I know you love me too. So whenever you're ready to admit it, that's fine with me because I'll be waiting, however long it takes."

"You don't have to wait anymore," Lucy murmurs. James' hands are clenched into fists, and she covers one of his hands with her own, her skin cool against his. "Okay? You win. I do love you. For a long time now. And I hated that, alright? I hated it because you scared me. I pushed you away and screwed around with other guys and yes, chose Carlos over you to make it go away. But it didn't, not for a single moment, and I'm sorry I put you through that, but I didn't want to feel the way I felt about you! I couldn't stand it because I knew if I gave into it, you would be the one person who could ruin my life."

"Lucy..."

"I told you before, didn't I? Nobody breaks my heart. But you could, and I hate that."

"I'm not going to hurt you, Lucy! I don't know what else I have to do to prove that to you."

"It's not just you I'm worried about. If Jack… if he ever knew…He'd take you away from me somehow, and I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"There's something else about him that you're not telling me, isn't there? Besides that he hits you."

Lucy nods and squeezes her eyes shut. "Hitting me is the least of my worries when he's drunk… I belong to him. He…"

"No—"

"Since I was fourteen, James. Whenever he wants to."

Horrified, James stands up and begins pacing, his hands in his hair. "I'll kill him. I swear to God."

"Carlos' mom is going to take him home. But I don't have a home to go back to. I can't go back there."

"Then you won't go back there!" James growls fiercely. "You're eighteen, and as long as you have somewhere to go, they can't make you go back!"

"But I don't have anywhere to go!"

James steps toward and pulls her to her feet, holding her body close to his before leaning down and pressing his mouth to hers in a kiss that sends shivers down both their spines. His arm snakes around her back and her hands clench themselves in his hair before he pulls away breathlessly, tilting her chin up so that she has to look at him. "As long as I'm alive, you have somewhere to go. I won't let him get to you, Lucy. He's not going to hurt you anymore."


When a nurse comes by nearly an hour later, Lucy has fallen asleep in what must be a ridiculously uncomfortable position in her chair. James stares off into space, his eyes red as he waits for some news about his friend.

"Are you here for Carlos Garcia?" The nurse asks gently.

James nods, standing up quickly. "Yeah, we are. Is everything okay?"

"He woke up awhile ago and we took him in for a CAT scan and some MRIs. Everything looks normal, aside from the fractured ribs that we told your friend about earlier. He's pretty banged up, but he's going to be fine."

"Oh, thank God," James sighs in relief. "Look, I know it's past visiting hours, but is there any way I can see him? Please?"

"I can give you a few minutes with him," the nurse replies kindly. "But after that, I'm going to have to insist that you two head home for the night. Or what's left of it. You both look exhausted."

James nods and walks down the hall, pausing just outside Carlos' door before taking a deep breath and entering it quietly. The nurse hadn't been lying. Carlos looks awful, his face bruised and swollen, a bandage wrapped around his head and his arm in a sling.

"James?"

"Luce called me," he answers.

Carlos glances away and then back to James. "I knew she would. I've been… trying to make her admit how she feels about you. And now that I finally know, I kind of just wish I hadn't pushed her on it. No offense."

"None taken."

"And I'm sorry we took off without saying anything. I know everyone must be worried sick."

"Not half as bad as when they see your face," James jokes lightly. "I understand why you left. But we might as well get everything out in the open; I know why she left with you. And I know you know what happened between us."

"She loves you, you know?" Carlos tries to smile but it doesn't quite look right on his face. "She loves you but she can't deal with it, so she's with me instead. But I know I was always her second choice. Even from the very beginning."

"She loves you, too, Carlos," James tries. "I know she does."

"Yeah, I guess. But not like you."

James looks down. He can't deny it. "You know why I'm here, right? You're my best friend, Carlos. I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose."

"Then don't, James."

"Please," he begs. "I need you to say it's okay. I need you to tell me you'll be okay with me and her."

Carlos looks away again. "I don't know if I can," he whispers. "I know you love her, man. But I do, too. I just… she was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't know if I can just let her go like that."

"I know how you feel," James tells him. "I swear I do. When you two got together… I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. I hated myself for not being enough for her. But I never resented you for it. It was so fucking hard watching you two together but I told myself that you guys made each other happy and that was all that mattered. I'm asking you—I need you to do the same for me."

Carlos smiles again and this time it's real. "We both know I'm not that mature."

"Come on, Carlos. Please."

Before he says anything, the nurse comes in and tells James he needs to wrap it up and leave so that Carlos can rest. "You can come back in the morning."

James turns to follow her but before he exits the room, Carlos speaks.

"James!" When he looks back at Carlos, the boy in the hospital bed gives him a long gaze. "It's gonna be okay. Take care of her for me."


Beast of a chapter done. 20 pages and 8600 words! Thank you as always for reviewing, favoriting, and following! Means the world to me. Please let me know what you thought! Also don't forget you can hit me up on my tumblr at xowintershine any time.

Also.. I didn't proofread this so if you catch any glaring typos... I'm sorry. If you point them out to me I'll go back and fix them.