~O~
Over the next few days Maddy tried her best to put both of the super soldiers out of her mind. It was a difficult task - near impossible, in fact.
She couldn't stop thinking about seeing them again and about what Steve had said. A part of her knew that eventually Bucky would find out about her and Steve, but she was afraid for what it would do to Bucky and Steve's relationship. A lot of the time, she conned herself into believing that she no longer cared about Bucky, that she had distanced herself from him enough to not care whether he even lived or died. But it was merely a deception; she cared, she always would. You cannot love someone as much as she loved him and not have residue feelings after it ends. Her feelings for Bucky would withstand a lifetime, they would never fade or fizzle out. She didn't want to see his and Steve's relationship fall apart - especially not because of her. She didn't know how Bucky would cope without his counterpart.
She dumped her bag on her living room couch and sunk down beside it. She felt a deep exhaustion settle into her bones. Thinking constantly about the incident and Bucky and Steve in the past days was really taking a toll on her. It was like she couldn't clean them from her mind, no matter how much she scrubbed.
Her phone binged beside her and she picked it up, opening a text from an unknown number. Her eyebrows furrowed. It was just a picture. She opened the image. It was a photo of the outside of a building. Peculiar, she thought. It was an average building really - an apartment block. It was brown brick stretching up high in the sky, crammed between two lighter buildings and behind a browning garden that looked like it once held roses. A typical New York apartment building.
I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number, she texted and pressed send. An error message appeared, telling her that she could not text back the number that had sent her the picture.
Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She didn't recognise the building, so it must be for someone else. She shrugged and got up, leaving her phone on the couch as she went for a shower.
~O~
"I know you don't really have a life outside of this beautiful building, but I figured I'd ask anyway," Tony said as he wandered into Maddy's workroom, an electronic tablet in his hand. "You are coming to tonight's banquet, right?"
Maddy half glanced over her shoulder, but didn't reply. He sighed dramatically, rolling his eyes.
"Oh c'mon Thompson, you're not still shitty I invited your boyfriends over are you?" He questioned and she scoffed. "I needed your help fixing Metal Man's arm!"
She continued to ignore him.
"Seriously? You can't deal with some ex's?"
She whipped around. "He's not just some ex Tony! You know that."
"Oh please, it seems like you've moved on just fine," he shot back. Her eyes narrowed dangerously.
"What the hell does that mean?"
He gave her a look. "I see the way Cap looks at you. He's not exactly the king of subtlety."
She gulped. "I don't know what you're talking about. Steve and I are just friends."
"Yeah, yeah and me and Pepper are only work colleagues," he retorted, beginning to back out of the room. "You better be at that banquet tonight. I'm not facing old men in suits alone!" He called over his shoulder as he departed.
Maddy sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
~O~
Orchestral music played mellowly in the background. The ballroom was decorated with cleanly laid out tables, elaborate ice sculptures and uniformly-dressed waiters. Maddy was uncomfortable; her gown was too tight and her heels were too high and she had hated functions like this since she was 16 years old. She hated sipping champagne and laughing with people she didn't know. She looked around for a familiar face and saw Tony speaking to a group of men. No thank you, she thought. There was only so much testosterone that she could handle.
One of her co-workers, Susan, caught her and they chatted briefly. But then she spotted Sam Wilson and she managed to slip away from Susan with a sweet smile and a few polite words.
"Sam," she grabbed his shoulder and he turned to face her, grinning from ear to ear as soon as he saw her.
"Maddy. How're you going? Long time, no see," he shoved his hands into his pockets. She'd never seen him in a suit before.
"I'm good, Mr Wilson," she smiled. "And yourself?
"I've certainly been worse," he said. "Being an Avenger has its perks."
"Oh, so you're a full Avenger now, huh?"
He crossed his arms, eyebrows raised. "What? You ever doubted it?"
"Aw c'mon Wilson, I didn't mean to rustle your feathers."
They both burst out laughing, her eyes crinkling and his deep chuckle making a few people look their way. "A bird joke, really?"
They regained their composure, slowly. "I didn't think I'd see you at something like this," she admitted. "Don't these banquets bore you?"
"I usually wouldn't be here," he admitted. "But, you know, I did kind of organise this particular one."
She stopped and looked at him and then they both laughed again. "Well, I mean it's really lovely. The ice sculptures - they really make the decor." She tried to save herself; she hadn't meant to just call his banquet boring.
But he only laughed and shook his head. "When I say I organised it, I don't mean the decorating. It's raising money for the VA. Tony owed me a favour, so I told him to host a fundraiser for them. Of course, he didn't want to do it at Stark Towers, so he put it on here."
"It's raising money for the VA? I didn't even know," she rubbed the back of her neck.
"You been a bit distracted lately?" He asked in a knowing voice. She sighed.
"Steve told you, huh?"
"That he and Bucky saw you? Yeah," Sam said. "I mean I probably would have been able to guess anyway; Barnes didn't speak for the entirety of the next mission and beat up a few more people than was probably strictly necessary."
Maddy felt a pang of sickness in her stomach. "Please don't tell me that."
A look of guilt flashed on Sam's face and he quickly tried to backtrack. "Hey, I'm sorry - I didn't mean it like that….He does what has to be done and, I'm not going to lie, he's damn good at it." When her pained expression didn't change, he continued. "All I meant to say, was that he's still pretty cut up over it, even 8 months later."
She gulped past a lump in her throat and put on her biggest smile, the one that could convince even the most skeptical person that she was truly happy. "Well, that makes one of us. I'm only distracted because of this new project I've been working on in clean energy…" And she proceeded to blabber on and bore Sam with work talk until he forgot all about the subject of Bucky, and Maddy's obvious distress over him.
Not long after, Tony tapped a fork against a glass, calling a toast. He spouted some bullshit about the VA that she knew he meant deep down but, if ever questioned in private, would blow it off as show, before handing the microphone over to a war vet to give a speech. She was listening intently when her phone dinged with a message. Her face blushed when one of the patron's shot her a dirty look and she scrambled to turn her phone on silent. Her eyes caught onto the message that had come through and she froze. It was from another unknown number and it was another photo. A black and white image of her, smiling with Sam, evidently taken via a security camera not even ten minutes ago. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest and her head whipped up, trying to locate the camera that could have snapped the picture. It didn't take her long; there were about three in the room that she could see. She clutched the mobile tightly, considerably rattled.
"Hey," Sam whispered, leaning over to her. "You ok?"
"Y-yeah," she stammered, running her thumb over a crack in her phone's screen from when she'd dropped it once and feeling the skin of her finger catch on the slightly broken glass. "I just- I have to go." She turned and strode through one of the exits, leaving Sam to watch her worriedly as she disappeared. She began ascending the stairs and checked the next level up, but didn't find the security room, so she tried the floor above. She ran into a security guard who was messily kissing a woman that looked like she'd been down at the banquet, judging from the long gown she was wearing and expensive jewelry. The pair sprung apart when Maddy appeared.
The security guard tried to re-gain his composure and stuttered out, "Uh, sorry Ma'am the banquet is down-"
"Where's the security camera room?" Maddy demanded whilst the woman he had been making out with quickly fled the scene, probably back down to her rich, old husband or something.
"Uh, can I help you with something, maybe?"
"Where is it?" Maddy's tone got harsher. He was young and, from what she had just witnessed, more than likely not particularly dedicated to his job, so she figured he would break easily enough.
"It's on the next level up to the right, but ma'am I insist-"
She turned on her heel and swiftly made her way up. It didn't take her long to find the security room. The door was wide open and it was devoid of any actual security guards - probably because the one on duty had been too busy locking lips with a blonde socialite to actually do his job. The screens showed the party occurring downstairs and various hallways and rooms. Nothing looked suspicious.
The security guard, who had followed her up, skidded to a stop behind her. "I-I locked this room!" he said. "I swear I did-"
"Pull up the footage for this level from ten minutes ago," she instructed. When he hesitated to follow her command, she scowled. "I'm with Tony Stark, who's running this function. I don't think he'd appreciate the fact that you left your post unattended with so many important people just a few levels below."
This seemed to kick the guard into action, who sat down and quickly typed something onto the keyboard of one of the computers. The screens blanked out for a minute and his eyebrows furrowed. "I don't...I don't understand," he said. "The tapes...they must have been wiped."
Maddy made a sound of annoyance, running a hand through her hair. Who on earth is doing this? "Goddammit," she muttered under her breath, frustrated and, although she didn't want to admit it, shaken and afraid.
The security guard and herself checked the rest of the level, just in case whoever had broken into the security room was still there, but there wasn't a trace of anyone. She trudged back down to the party, feeling defeated and tired.
When he spotted her, Sam quickly made his way toward her. "Hey, where'd you run off to?"
"I uh-...There was something I had to take care of," she said, and then when he waited for more information, added, "A security breach. It was minor, it's fine."
A worried look came over his face. "A security breach?" He huffed out a little laugh, although it wasn't humorous. "Why would you be taking care of a security breach? Maybe you should tell Tony."
"Like I said, I took care of it," she replied. "I'm actually really tired - I'm gonna go."
"Hey," Sam reached out and touched her arm. "Why don't I walk you home?"
~O~
It was a cool night and Sam offered Maddy his coat, but she declined. She liked the cool air, the nip against her skin, the goosebumps along her arms. She looked up at the full moon. How many full moons had she seen with Bucky? A lot. Not enough.
The image of her on that security tape played in the back of her mind. Someone had been in that same building with her, someone who wanted to taunt her. Honestly, it was just strange. She couldn't figure out why someone would want to do this to her. What did they have to gain by making her paranoid?
"You wanna tell me what really happened back there?" Sam finally broke the tenuous quiet that had settled between them.
She took in a deep breath. "Not really," she admitted. He looked at her for a second, before nodding in understanding.
They lapsed back into silence, until they reached her front door. "Sam," she said, very quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Is he-...Is he really not ok?" She asked, even though she didn't want to. "Bucky," she clarified.
He pursed his lips and exhaled. "You want me to lie?"
She chuckled a bit, shoulders shaking. "Yeah, a little bit."
He smiled crookedly. "He'll be fine, Maddy. He's been through worse."
The thought wasn't a particularly comforting one, but also not necessarily uncomforting either. She didn't really want to be compared to HYDRA nor the torture he had endured at their hands, but it also reminded her that he was strong enough to get by without her. Sam was right. He'd been through alot worse.
"Thanks Sam," she said and gave him a hug, which he returned tightly. He turned away to leave but she stopped him. "Hey...Look out for them, will you?"
He put his hands up. "Hey, they're the ones with super-strength! They should be lookin' out for me!" They both laughed before his expression melted away to something more serious. "I will, I promise."
She thanked him again before going inside.
~O~
Bucky removed the gun's magazine and pushed the spring forward before lifting it away from the barrel as he disassembled it. He had all of his weapons laid out in front of him, systematically and slowly cleaning them. It was calming; therapeutic, even. It let his mind go blank, just for awhile.
"What're you doing?" Steve's sudden presence nearly made him flinch. He hadn't even heard Steve come into the room; a rare feat. I need to be more alert, he thought bitterly. Being unaware of surroundings is how people get killed.
"What does it look like?"
There was a pause.
"It looks like you're re-cleaning all of your guns. But that'd be crazy because you literally did that less than a week ago."
Another pause.
"I'm fine, Steve."
Steve pursed his lips, arms crossed over his chest. "I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to," Bucky pieced the gun back together with fluid, practiced movements. He could do it in seconds, when under pressure. "I know what you're thinking, but I'm fine."
"I know it wasn't easy for you...seeing her. I know it's not easy staying away," Steve said and there was sadness in his voice and something else too, something Bucky couldn't quite distinguish. Guilt, maybe. "Are you sure..Are you sure you're doing the right thing?"
Bucky's movements stopped. He stared down at the array of weapons laid out in front of him. He had used every single one over the past months, to take down an array of different people. Most had lived, been incarcerated. Some had died, some who were too risky to keep in a prison, too unstable to be allowed to live. Just like he had done in World War II, he was saving lives by doing this job. But some days it was hard to remember that, remember that the blood shed was for a reason, for a cause.
Today was one of those days.
"I have to protect her," he said quietly. "And staying away from her has been the only thing that's actually worked so far."
Steve stood there for a few minutes longer, watching his best friend as he went back to cleaning the guns. Eventually, he left.
8 months previous
He heard the shower shut off and Maddy get out. A few minutes later she emerged from the bedroom in a dressing robe, her long hair dripping down her back. She stopped when she saw him, fully dressed in his black tactical gear as he slipped his last knife into his pants.
"You're going on another mission?"
He turned to face her and hated the disappointed look on her face. "I just got the call from Steve."
"It's nearly midnight."
"It's urgent, I'm sorry."
She pursed her lips and then nodded.
He sighed and came over to her, wrapping his arm around her waist and gently holding her against him. "I know I've been gone a lot lately-"
"Nearly all the time," she interrupted, her voice very quiet. "I barely see you anymore. You come home half beaten to death, covered in blood that isn't yours. And I feel like...like I'm waiting for something. Like I'm waiting for this - the leaving in the middle of the night, the long, dangerous missions - to be over. But I don't really see it ending." She didn't say it, but he knew she was thinking it; except with your death.
He cupped her cheek and tilted her head up. "I know I've been working a lot. And I know it's not fair. I asked you to move here so we could be together and I'm not even here. Just be patient with me, please. I'll back off with work, let Steve take care of more missions. I just need some time to...find a balance."
She pursed her lips. "You still feel like you're trying to atone for what you did."
She read him like an open book.
"I'll feel like that for the rest of my life," he said darkly. "But for now, helping people, saving people, makes me feel it all a little less."
She nodded and he knew she understood, deep down, she really, truly understood him. He kissed her cheek and then her mouth. It was soft, unhurried, gentle as can be. A sliding of familiar lips against each other, a slow dance to the music of sirens outside their window. He eventually pulled back, but their foreheads stayed pressed close, one of her hands on his chest and the other tangled in his hair.
He waited for as long as he could, just standing there, holding her. "I have to go," he finally whispered, because breaking the tender silence between them seemed crimeful.
She gripped his vest tighter, her small hands curling into the material like if she just held on, he'd never get hurt again. "I don't wanna let go," she murmured.
"I'll be back soon," he kissed her cheek again before, only by sheer force of will, stepping away from her.
She watched him walk out the door. He should have told her he loved her.
~O~
A/N: Hey guys! Omg I am so sorry - I literally haven't updated in sooo long! I graduated High School and then I visited America for a few weeks and then I fell in love with Agents of SHIELD and have been obsessing over Grant Ward. I'm sorry!
I hope this chapter was ok and, although no promises, I hope to have another chapter up soon. The next chapter will be a continuation of this flashback!
I hope it's all making sense haha! PLEASEEE leave a review and help a girl out! Tell me what you think! Would love to hear from you all.
Lots of love xoxo
