Author's Note: This was supposed to be a quick little one-off where I make fun of some of the completely unrealistic aspects of comic books. But some recent health issues have given me a bit more free time than I'm used to, and this little story kept preying at my subconscious. I have two more chapters already written, and I have a sneaking suspicion more ideas might develop...
Chapter 2
Tony Stark almost skipped as he took to the podium. "Ladies and gentlemen and others of the press, thank you all for coming today for my little presentation. I'm sure you have much better things to do – I know I certainly do – but I appreciate you showing up almost as much as you appreciate my doing so."
There were a few chuckles. "Today I am announcing a new division within Stark International – Stark Super Solutions."
He paused. "A little while ago, I was approached by a group of people of exceptional abilities and skills. These were people with, to put it bluntly, superhuman gifts who had no interest in joining the spandex and cape crowds – on either side. They wanted a way they could use their abilities safely, legally, for the benefit of humanity, and – most importantly – profitably. So they came to me."
The reporters started chattering, but Tony ignored them. "Please, save your questions for the end. As I was saying, they wanted a way to use their abilities without all the hassle and danger and excitement of putting on the outfit and going out to save – or conquer – or destroy – the world. So they came to me, and we worked out a way we think will achieve those ends. And, might I add, make a little money for them and me."
"Stark Super Solutions will be an outside consulting firm for organizations – and, occasionally, individuals – who find themselves in need of a little superhuman assistance. Nothing illegal or dangerous, of course – wouldn't want to infringe on the work of fine people like the Avengers or the X-Men or Spider-Man or the like – but more mundane needs."
Tony gestured to the edge of the stage, and a man in a jumpsuit walked out uncomfortably. The suit looked like a typical superhero outfit, with blurry motion lines and a mask, but it had two incongruous elements. Over the left breast was an SSS logo, across the back was the Stark International logo, and he was wearing a catcher's mitt on his left hand.
"This is Newton. Newton has the superhuman ability to absorb, store, and redirect kinetic energy. May we demonstrate?" Newton shakily raised the catcher's mitt as Tony pulled out what looked like a small cannon and aimed it at Newton. He pulled the trigger, and a baseball traveling far faster than any human could manage launched itself at Newton's hand.
An instant before it hit the mitt, it suddenly lost nearly all its momentum, and gently plopped into the mitt. "Now that he's charged up, so to speak, now let's see the other aspect of his gifts." Newton reached into a pouch at his waist and pulled out a ball bearing. Meanwhile, one of Tony's assistants pulled back a curtain to reveal a log about a foot around and six feet long, the cut end facing Newton.
Newton balanced the ball bearing on his palm and raised it up to his eyes, directly in line with the long, then turned and nodded at Tony. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll pay close attention to the ball bearing..."
When Tony nodded back, Newton turned back to the ball bearing and stared at it. A second later, the bearing launched itself from his palm and embedded itself into the log, leaving a loud CRACK as it flew.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that was the sound of that ball bearing breaking the speed of sound as it flew literally faster than a speeding bullet. And judging by previous experiments, that bearing is buried about four feet into the log."
"We have already spoken with several small firms about contracting Mr. Newton''s services. They specialize in developing new forms of safety equipment, and using him to test such new products as body armor, vehicular armor, bulletproof glass, and other such devices could save them a considerable amount over investing in mechanical devices to do what he does naturally."
The press started murmuring again. "Please, save the questions. Now Newton here is one of our few public representatives. Most of the others will be working behind the scenes, out of public view."
"Our intention is to , generally, provide 'black box' services. By that, I mean we will not be transparent to our clients or to the public. People will present us with problems, we will present them with solutions. Our methods for doing so will remain a trade secret."
"OK, I think I've spoken enough. Now you can ask your questions. Yes, you in the brown coat and stained tie."
"Mr. Stark, you said your people have no interest in the cape and tights world, but here's a man in a superhero suit. Would you care to explain that?"
"How astute of you to catch that. Yes, Newton here is in tights and a mask. And yes, 'Newton' is not his real name, but a reference to the Newton as a unit of measure of force. But he's certainly not a superhero – or even a supervillain.
"As I said, he's one of our 'public' associates. As such, he will be using his abilities around other people. But as the whole point of SSS is for people like him to use his abilities safely and legally and profitably, this helps keep his 'secret identity' a secret. He'll only be wearing this when in public. He doesn't even like it that much – go ahead and ask him."
Newton stared at his feet and squirmed. "Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing. My wife says she likes it, but I still feel like I'm running around in my underwear. And people keep calling me 'Fig.'" The room erupted in laughter.
"Mr. Newton, what's with the catcher's mitt?"
Tony took that question. "It's just 'Newton' – his real name is private. And the mitt is because he's still learning to master his powers. To charge him up, we routinely fire baseballs and other objects at him at high speed, and the mitt is to protect his hand in case his powers don't stop it in time. So far, he hasn't once needed to mitt's protection, but we believe in safety first." He turned towards the man in the jumpsuit. "OK, Newton, you can go and get out of your monkey suit." Newton left the stage with visible relief.
"Now, Newton is merely the first of what we expect will be several public representatives. We will introduce you to the rest of them as they are ready. But we have numerous other employees who are ready to help clients in less demonstrative ways.
"Oh, ,and one more point: we are definitely looking for new people. If you or someone you know has some special gifts and wants to avoid the whole superhero/supervillain rigamarole, and wouldn't mind using your gifts to make a difference and a decent paycheck, get in touch with us. As Newton and his friends pointed out to me when they contacted me, things could have been a lot different if Stark Super Solutions had been around when people like the Vulture, the Juggernaut, Mysterio, Sandman, or the Wizard had started on their lives of crime. And make no mistake about it – a significant portion of our mission is to find these would-be supervillains and give them a good reason to turn away from a life of crime."
Tony looked at his watch. "Gosh, look at the time. Gotta run. Anyway, there are press packets at the back, refreshments in the hall. Thank you all for coming."
