Chapter 13

Carlos didn't understand.

He didn't understand what was so bad about this whole MR thing Logan and James were crying about. He really didn't get it.

Mental Retardation. He knew what "mental" meant, it meant like your brain or something. But the other long word, he didn't understand. But he didn't want to ask his older friends anytime soon, for they were currently crying their eyes out on the chairs across from him.

If something was bad enough to make James cry, then it was bad. Carlos felt a pit of despair in him. There was something really wrong with Kendall, but he didn't know what exactly it was.

Finally, James and Logan seemed to notice that Carlos wasn't joining their sobbing fest. James sniffled, wiping his eyes. " C-Carlos, buddy, what's wrong?" Carlos admired James for being so concerned about him even when he'd just been crying his eyes out.

Carlos blinked, his face puzzled and worried. "What's mental re-tation?" He asked quietly, trying to pronounce the other long word correctly.

James widened his eyes at Logan, who coughed nervously. How could they explain this to innocent Carlos without breaking his heart and their own? Saying it would mean confirming the fact that Kendall was… that Kendall had…

Logan shook his head. "Well, Carlos... do you know those kids at school who... are different?" Logan started carefully. Carlos looked up at him with wide eyes.

"You mean like those kids who sit in wheelchairs and can't think right?" He asked innocently. The childish way he said it just made the pain worse.

Logan nodded, looking down. James sighed, taking over. "Those kids are… mentally retarded. Retarded means that you're kinda… not right in here, ya know?" James tapped his head with his pointer finger.

Carlos bit his lip. "In your hair?" He asked, scrunching up his face. James almost face-palmed. This wasn't going to be easy.

"No, buddy, in your… not right in the head." He answered slowly. Carlos looked like he was thinking about James and Logan's words. Suddenly, his eyes widened.

"You're saying that K-Kendall's like those weird people?" He asked quietly, his voice high pitched and scared. James shared a glance with Logan, who just sighed sadly.

"I'm sorry, Carlos…" Logan whispered, looking like he'd might start crying soon.

"And h-he's never gonna be normal again?" Carlos asked sadly. Tears welled up in his eyes, and his lower lip started quivering.

James held his arms out, and Carlos gratefully fell into them. "I-I don't want K-Kendall to be like that…" He whimpered, the tears pouring out. Logan couldn't contain his tears and started sniffling too. James hugged Carlos tightly, trying to calm him down.

"Carlos, buddy, I know it's bad, I know… but you have to stay strong for K-Kendall, alright?" James asked, feeling a growing lump in his throat. He tried to swallow it and stroked Carlos's soft hair comfortingly.

Logan met James's glance. The smart boy's face was wet with tears, but he refused to make a sound. James reached over and squeezed Logan's shoulder comfortingly. Logan smiled. It was a small one, but a smile nonetheless.

James felt like he would start crying himself. This was the worst nightmare he'd ever had, except it wasn't a dream; it was his life. Kendall was never going to be the same again. Ever again. He was going to be… mentally retarded. Forever. James didn't think he could accept that without throwing a tantrum. Why, why did this happen to Kendall?

He also hated how much this was hurting his younger friends, too. Logan was freaking out and on the verge of a panic attack. Carlos cried his eyes out every day, and there was nothing James could do about it except get Kendall better. But he couldn't do that. So all he could do was watch Logan and Carlos deteriorate slowly day by day.

But worst of all, he had to watch himself break piece by piece, day by day. He was going to break until he was nothing but a shell of himself. Kendall had destroyed them. But it wasn't his fault… if they'd been better friends, would they have noticed? Could they have prevented this from happening?

Carlos drew away from James, sniffling and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. James smiled gently at Carlos, trying to comfort him. The three sat down next to each other in the hospital chairs, not looking at one another or at the door the held Kendall inside. The Kendall that would never be the same again. Not now, not ever.

Carlos stared down at his hands, trying to keep his tears at bay. This was all his fault, wasn't it? If he weren't so stupid, and dropped the hockey stick, Kendall wouldn't have tripped over it. Kendall would still be fine if it weren't for Carlos.

Carlos chewed on his lip nervously. This was all his fault. James and Logan would realize that and they'd all hate him, and then he'd be alone forever and Kendall would die and he'd live with cats for the rest of his life and maybe the cats wouldn't even want him-

"Are we going to see him?" Carlos was jerked out of his thoughts when Logan spoke up. James froze, staring down at the ground.

"I... I don't know if I can…" Logan admitted, a blush on his cheeks. James looked up and let out a long breath.

"Whenever you guys are ready… I'm as ready as I'll ever be." Even Carlos could tell that James really wasn't ready. Again, he was just trying to stay strong for them.

Carlos nodded, returning back to his guilt filled thoughts. Stupid, stupid, stupid him… He was always the one screwing up, the one messing things up, the one who ruined all the fun. But the was the worst thing he'd ever done. He'd ruined someone's life. And what made it worse was that it was his best friend's life, the one he looked up to. His role model. Carlos had ruined his leader, he'd destroyed him.

He was so stupid. Carlos would never forgive himself for doing this to Kendall, and he knew deep inside James and Logan's heads, they blamed him too. Carlos bet they didn't even want a friend like him anymore…

Carlos tried not to think about how badly he'd messed up. Instead, he focused on the door and thought about the things that lay ahead for them.

He didn't think he could stand going in and seeing Kendall, the totally different Kendall. The one who'd never be the same again all because of his stupidity. Carlos couldn't do it. He didn't want to and he couldn't.

"Let's go." Logan, who hadn't wanted to see Kendall a second ago, now stood up, brushing his hands on his jeans, and started walking towards Kendall's room. James stood up, following Logan. Then he stopped and turned back around, suddenly remembering that Carlos was still sitting there and not following them.

"Carlos, buddy, are you gonna come with us?" Carlos licked his lips nervously. He didn't want to go… but he didn't want to keep them back. He'd already messed up big time… he couldn't burden his friends anymore.

"A-Alright." Carlos forced himself to stand up, and for his feet to follow James and Logan into Kendall's room. Step by step. Inch by inch.

Kendall was never going to be the same again.

And it was all his fault.

A/N- Aw, poor Carlos, he feels so guilty about this… now I'm gonna hafta do some research on this disease Kendall has… cuz I only know the basic… maybe not even those. ;) And that heartbreaking chapter? It wasn't this one, but it's probably gonna be the next one. ;) Not that this one WASN'T heartbreaking…

Anyways, please review if ya can? And I KNOW almost all of you can… so please? ;)

Oh, and those of you who read my other Carlos angst story "Vanishing", there's another AWESOME story that you should check out. It almost just like mine, where Carlos goes to high school and everything just… well, falls apart. It's called "Only Hope" by GlambertLovesBTR

Check it out PLEASE! It's such a great story!

Peace, Love, and Giraffes,

Anonymous Skrtle