Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 4 – The Church

*The Citreon DS rolls to a stop outside of a small town near Daventry, England.*

Hollow – YOU MADE ME HIT A CHILD!

Rage – Oh calm your tits Carmichael. You barely bumped him.

Hollow – BARELY BUMPED HIM? HE'S LYING FACE DOWN IN A DITCH!

Rage – Is he? Wow that's pretty carazy.

Evanz – Haha Rage that was so bad.

Hollow – DAMMIT JOSH THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR PUNS!

Rage – It's never not the time for puns.

Peace – Everybody cool your shit. Some of us are trying to sleep.

Rage – Sorry Peace. Hollow's upset because he tried to kill some kid.

Hollow – LIKE HELL I DID! I LOST CONTROL AFTER YOU SMACKED ME IN THE FACE WITH A RIFLE FOR BEATING YOU AT I-SPY!

Rage – Oh that's right Hollow. It's always somebody else's fault isn't it?

Hollow – ONLY WHEN IT IS!

Peace – Look I don't really care what happened just please don't shout directly into my ear.

Rage – Yeah man you should really…ease off the throttle.

Hollow – YOU SCUMBAG!

Peace – Seriously Hollow inside voices.

Rage – I'm a bag of scum am I?

Hollow – YES!

Rage – Oh. Alright then glad we got that sorted.

Evanz – Just throwing it out there but has anybody checked on the guy becoming one with the side of the road yet?

Rage – It's ok Evanz. Wheel get to him in a second.

Evanz – These keep getting worse and worse don't they?

Hollow – Fuck, yeah the kid. HEY KID ARE YOU OK?

*Hollow runs out of the car to kneel beside a small boy wearing a red RageGaming t-shirt lying in a roadside creek. Rage follows closely behind, telling Hollow that he really auto know better than to hit children.*

Rage – Shit it's a fan. HEY. HEY YOU. I'M SO SORRY HOLLOW HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH A CAR. IT'S ME: YOUR GODKING RAGE. IF YOUR LEGS AREN'T TOO BROKEN FEEL FREE TO BOW DOWN AT MY FEET.

Hollow – You're a monster.

Rage – Shhhh Hollow someone's looking at me.

*The small boy crawls out of the creek, rapidly looks back and forth between the faces of Rage and Hollow and begins to jump up and down and giggle in excitement.*

Will – Rage! OMG I'm you're biggest fan! Wow THE RageGaming just found me and tried to kill me. I'm going to be the coolest kid in my whole primary school. Me and my friends watch all of your videos. We really think you should do more fart jokes. That'd be really funny. You're really funny.

Rage – Hey, it's always a pleasure to…creek a fan.

Will – Hahaha that's really funny. Get it? Because you ran me over so hard I landed in a creek. You're really funny.

Hollow – I'm sure that's just the head wound talking.

Rage – Shut up Hollow. He's allowed to think I'm funny without being mentally damaged in some way.

Hollow – Yeah you're right, he doesn't have to be. It just helps.

Rage – …

Will – Be careful Hollow or you'll make him road rage. Get it? Because he's Rage and he's standing on a road.

Rage – Hahaha I like this kid. I'm gonna start using that one.

Hollow – Oh God please no.

*Rage and Will high five.*

Evanz – Hey guys are we going to be here a while? Should I let Fred out of the trunk?

Peace – No he's probably used to it by now. Let him have his fun.

Will – Evanz! Evanz hey Evanz baaaaaa baaaaaa you're a sheep Evanz baaaaaa.

Evanz – Oh please don't say we hit a Ragican. God why am I so unlucky?

Will – Baaaaaa.

Rage – Oh quit your whining welshie. I think he's hilarious. What's your name kid?

Will – Will.

Evanz – Hey wait I'm Will.

Will – No Evanz. Will is a people name. You're a sheep so you can't have it. Baaaaaa.

Rage – Hahahah

Evanz – Seriously?

*Rage and Will high five again.*

Evanz – Well screw you guys. I'm going back to the car.

Hollow – Yeah that sounds like a great idea. I'll join you.

Rage – Wait guys come back we'll stop I promise. Look let's just find a place to stay the night ok. It's getting late.

Hollow – Do we really have to stay the night? We're so close to London.

Rage – Look man you just vehicularly assaulted a little boy. And more than that you vehicularly assaulted a little boy who watches my YouTube videos. Give him some time to rest up.

Evanz – Ok but I don't care how hard Hollow hit him; if he tries to shear me he's on his own again.

Will - Baaaaaaa

Hollow – Alright fine we'll stay here. PEACE GET OUT OF THE CAR, WE'RE STAYING THE NIGHT.

Peace – I'm starting to think you're yelling at me on purpose.

*Peace opens the trunk of the Citreon DS. The pungent smell of death and onions slaps Peace about the back of the head.*

Peace –Fred quit your laying about we're staying the night in Daventry.

Fred – Air air I need air!

Peace – Woah there calm down Fred. No need to be dramatic. I'm sure Daventry isn't that bad. Besides you're the one who smells like a dead ogre.

Fred – Not me. Trunk. All trunks.

Peace – Look Fred we don't have time for your antics. And honestly if you were going to complain this much about being in the trunk I don't know why you insisted on being back there anyways.

Fred – But I didn't…

Peace – C'mon we're already behind.

*Peace and Fred find the others in the town square. Will is running around Evanz in circles begging him to say "alright rage" and start a rap battle. Evanz is actively avoiding eye contact. Hollow and Rage stand on a fountain, arguing with themselves.*

Hollow – Look there's a big building over there. It looks pretty sturdy. We can stay the night there.

Rage – I don't wanna.

Hollow – Why the fuck not?

Rage – It's a church.

Hollow – Oh my shit do not start this.

Rage – Look I'm sure we'll find someplace else just as suitable.

Hollow – We're in the middle of nowhere, during a fucking alien invasion, and you don't want to stay in the only place that looks sturdy because it's a fucking church?

Rage – Look you don't hafta be a douche about this.

Hollow – I swear to God I will kill you.

Rage – What God?

Will – Ooooo burn.

Hollow – You guys are fucking idiots.

*Rage and Will chest bump.*

Evanz – C'mon Rage don't do this.

Rage – Don't do what? Stick to my guns? I'm not going in there.

Peace – Look it's just a building.

Rage – A building that doesn't make any sense.

Evanz – What?

Rage – If it's so holy where are all the holes?

Hollow – Same joke. Every. Fucking. Time.

Rage – Well yeah because it's funny.

Will – Hahaha oh I get it. Do you guys get it? I get it. It's really funny

Fred – Hey wait does anyone else hear that?

*An otherworldly shrieking tears through the sky*

Rage – OH GOD WHAT WAS THAT?

Hollow – I don't know nancy boy but we need to get into that church. And now.

*The line of trees behind the car are uprooted and thrown into the unforgiving heavens. A flash of lightning streaks across the sky. It is beginning to rain.*

Rage – WHY DOES EVERYTHING HATE ME?

*Fred, Peace, Will, Evanz and Hollow run toward the open church doors. Rage quickly waddles behind them.*

Will – Hahaha he's making a scared Rage face.

Fred – Is Rage ok?

Evanz – Yeah he's fine; he's just absolute shit when it comes to horror. Mechs and aliens are one thing but 9 times out of 10 monsters leave him in tears.

Rage – Am not. I'm just acting scared. You know, so Will won't feel so bad about peeing his pants.

Will – I didn't pee my pants.

Peace – Rage did you pee your pants?

Rage – No.

Evanz – Well what's that smell then?

Rage – I spilled asparagus juice ok?

Hollow – That's disgusting.

Will – Hahahah it's always really funny when he's scared.

Fred – So uh guys, how are we going to get back to the car?

Hollow – I'll make a run for it.

Evanz – I don't know man. That thing's massive.

Peace – Yeah you'd need two maybe even three banana clusters just to have a chance. Unless we're near water. You could probably find a baseball bat and beat it into water.

Fred – No the last water we saw was a good five minutes back. No way does Hollow have that type of power. Even if he has been putting on a few pounds recently.

Evanz – See? It sounds like a suicide mission.

Hollow – Not for Antium and his bastard gun.

Evanz – Ok first off it's Artyom…

Hollow – Same difference.

Evanz - …and second off you just took the hunting rifle from earlier and wrote bastard on it with magic marker.

Hollow – Well do you have any better ideas?

Peace – Do we have any money? We could buy a teleshield.

Fred – That wouldn't be enough to save all of us.

Peace – Yeah but it'd be enough to save me. Peace worms are valuable.

Will – Can we call it a faggot? I say we call it a faggot.

Rage – Just let Hollow handle it. If he thinks there's a chance we can come out on top of this thing I say we take it. I really want that thing to stop making those noises. You know, for Will.

Will – I'm fine.

Rage – It's ok buddy, uncle Rage has you covered.

*The Creature smashes against the wall, toppling the church organ in cacophonic percussion.*

Rage – AEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY

*Rage cowers behind Will, using him as a human shield.*

Hollow – He's right; we don't have much of a choice anymore.

Evanz – Just don't do anything stupid.

Hollow – Trust me.

*Hollow grabs the hunting rifle, cycles through his accents until he reaches "sorta Russian if you're fairly hard of hearing" and walks out the double doors of the sanctuary to face the fuel for his darkest nightmares.*

Hollow – HEY BEAUTIFUL! COME GIVE US A KISS!

*Hollow blasts his first round into the back of the alien beast.*

Hollow – PREPARE TO GET FUCKED YOU UGLY BITCH!

*The brute launches itself at Hollow. The ground gives way in its wake. Hollow reloads and fires again at the beast. This time into it's face.*

Hollow – WHOOOOOO!

*The hell hound reaches Hollow and claws across his chest, catapulting him into the cold stone wall of the church building.*

Hollow – AHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA

*Hollow lifts himself back to his feet using the rifle as leverage. The hulking monster stands over him, a mix of blood and saliva drips from it's open mouth.*

Hollow – YOU KNOW WHAT BUDDY? I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU STARING ME IN THE FUCKING FACE. THIS PERSONAL SPACE THING…YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. SO IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU!

*Hollow spins his bastard gun around and smashes it into the demon spawns face. It falls to the ground as Hollow beats its head deeper and deeper into the concrete. He punctuates each blow with a blood curdling scream.*

Hollow – CHRIST. ON. A. BICYCLE. YOU. MOTHERFUCKER.

Peace – Jesus Hollow where did that come from?

Fred – Yeah man I thought you were exaggerating at first about needing that tea fix, but damn.

Hollow – Antium don't take shit from nobody.

Evanz – It's uh, it's still Artyom.

Will – That was so fucking cool! You did it man! You really did it! It was simple right? Tell me it was simple.

Hollow – Yeah kid why not. It was simple.

Will – Hahahah get it? It's a reference.

*Will walks over to high five Rage who is lying in a corner in the fetal position. Will slaps at one of Rage's clenched fists and returns to the group.*

Will – Rage thinks it was cool too.

Hollow – Haha good to know kid.

Peace – Shit Hollow you're bleeding.

*Hollow puts a hand to his chest and brings it back wet and coated in a dark red.*

Hollow – What? Yeah I guess I am.

*Hollow falls face first into the ground.*