Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 5 – The Hospital

*Hollow lays sprawled out across a hospital gurney. His chest is wrapped tightly in wool linens. The gurney is rushing down a dark hallway as the only working ceiling light flickers above it*

Rage – Dammit Evanz! I thought you said the pharmacy was just around this corner!

Will – Yeah Evanz! Dammit Evanz!

Evanz – I didn't say that. I said "Look there's a hallway".

Rage – We don't need hallways Evanz! We need medicine! Hollow's dying of infection and you're just going around shoving your nose into useless fucking hallways!

Will – Don't need Evanz! Useless Evanz! Die Evanz!

Evanz – Woah what was that last one? Did you just say "Die Evanz"?

Rage – Don't make this about Will! He's not the one slowly killing Hollow with his horrible life decisions.

Will – Baaaaa you're a sheep

Evanz – Fuck you Rage. You know you could try to be less dramatic.

Rage – Less dramatic? Are you saying that breaking into an abandoned hospital is dramatic? Are you saying that stealing a full set of doctor scrubs is dramatic? Are you saying that smacking Peace repeatedly in the face with my new stethoscope is dramatic?

Evanz – Yes.

Rage – Well don't say that ok? I'm a doctor now.

Will – Doctor Evanz!

Evanz – It takes more than wearing some scrubs to be a doctor.

Rage – A completely calm and rational doctor.

*The double doors behind Evanz swing open to an elegantly disheveled Peace holding a bloody rag to his nose and an out of breath Fred hobbling behind him.*

Peace – HEY DIPSHIT! WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

Rage – YOU'RE THE DIPSHIT! DIPSHIT!

Peace – OH NICE COMEBACK DIPSHIT!

Fred – Peace calm down. The pressure is obviously getting to Rage. I'm sure he didn't mean to hit you in the nose with medical equipment those half dozen times. We all need to take a step back here. Maybe we should get a better understanding of our new environment.

Peace – SHUT IT FRED! THE ADULTS ARE TALKING!

Rage – YEAH FRED! LISTEN TO YOUR LYING BITCH OF A MASTER!

Will – Hehe you called him a bitch.

Peace – I'M A BITCH? WHO'S THE BITCH WHO'S PLAYING DOCTOR WITH ANOTHER DUDE?

Evanz – I know you're trying to help Fred. But seriously you should stop talking. You're just so very bad at ideas.

Will – Hehe you said Rage was gay.

Rage – EAT SHIT PEACE!

Fred – Sor-sorry.

Peace – BRING IT YOU FOUR EYED SONOFABITCH!

*Hollow lifts his head off of the hospital gurney, props himself up on his elbows, and tries to speak.*

Hollow – Huh

Evanz – Guys?

*Rage rushes at Peace swinging a stethoscope around his head.*

Hollow – Huhhh

Evanz – Hey guys quit it.

*Peace steps to the side, grabs Rage by the stethoscope, and yanks him to the floor.*

Hollow – Huhhhhh

Evanz – YOU FUCKING FUCKERS! CUT THE SHIT!

Peace – WHAT THE FUCK IS SO IMPORTANT?

Evanz – Hollow's up.

*Peace stops kicking Rage in the stomach and helps him up off the ground.*

Rage – And let that be a lesson to you.

Hollow – Huhhhhhhhh

Peace – Yeah. Sure.

Rage – Hollow you ok man?

Evanz – He just keeps making that noise over and over.

Hollow – Huhhhhhh

Peace – What do you think it means?

Hollow – Huhhhhhh

Evanz – I don't know it could be anything.

Hollow - Huhhhhhhh

Will – Oh I know. It's like one of Rage's intros. HEHHHHH.

Hollow – Huhhhhhh

Rage – No it's not.

Will – HEHHHHHH

Evanz – Haha oh my god it totally is. Heahhhhh

Hollow – Huhhhhhhh

Will - HEHHHHHHH

*Rage slaps Hollow as hard as he can across the face.*

Hollow – Oww. Fuck.

Rage – Oh thank god you're ok.

Hollow – What was that for?

Rage – What was what for?

Hollow – You just slapped me.

Rage – No I didn't. You're probably still delirious from the blood loss.

Will – HEHHHHHH

*Rage kicks Will's legs out from under him.*

Evanz – How are you feeling man?

Hollow – Pretty ok. My head feels like it's about to explode. Guess that bitch packed more of a punch then I gave it credit for.

Peace – No that was from the ride over here. It was really bumpy.

Hollow – Oh.

Peace – Yeah.

Hollow – So if it was bumpy then the rest of you have headaches too?

Peace – Not exactly. We sorta just tied you to the roof and drove. We were going to put you in the trunk but Fred gets kind of territorial.

Fred – I do not.

Peace – Shut the fuck up Fred.

Hollow – Well it makes sense I guess. You did what you had to do to get me medicine.

Peace – Actually Evanz had about a pound and a half of penicillin but Rage stole it from him thinking it was meth.

Hollow – Evanz why would you have that much of anything on you? Josh did what now?

Evanz – Well yeah when you're sick as much as I am you always have a bit in reserve.

Rage – Look he had pills. I wanted pills. Things happened. Besides imagine how much faster I could have gotten you medicine after I had my meth boost. Like super fast.

Hollow – You're an asshole Josh.

Rage – That's "you're an asshole Doctor Josh."

*Rage points to the stethoscope still wrapped tightly around his neck.*

Hollow – Really?

Evanz – Yeah don't try arguing with him. He doesn't listen.

Rage – Sir Mister Doctor Professor Josh.

Hollow – So does anyone have any ideas on what to do from here?

Will – We should go back to that alien thing Hollow killed and be all "Bitch please, welcome to earf motherfucker." And then high five a lot.

Rage – I say we find the pharmacy. Evanz's batch just doesn't have that kick to it that I'm used to.

Evanz – It wasn't drugs. I don't carry a pound and a half of meth on my person.

Fred – I've been told not to talk.

Rage – Bu bu bu, who's the doctor here?

Peace – Dammit Fred don't you ever listen?

Fred – Sorry Peace.

Evanz – I say we all take a step back here and try to get a feel for our new surroundings.

Hollow – Good plan Evanz. Let's do that.

Fred – That was my –

Peace – Look Fred it's not all about you ok?

Hollow – Alright me, Will, and Rage will keep heading down this hallway. Evanz, Peace, and Fred you try and find that pharmacy.

Rage – Score!

*Hollow, Will and Rage keep heading down the hallway. Will rolls across, using the gurney as a makeshift scooter. They find a dark room with a vending machine. Will immediately goes to the vending machine and starts kicking it.*

Rage – So you're really ok then?

Hollow – Yeah man definitely. 5 out of 10. I've had closer calls.

Will – Gimme Rolos you stupid robot!

Rage – Haha you arrogant prick.

Hollow – Haha I try.

Rage – Nothing scares you does it?

Will – Please give me some. Im sorry for calling you stupid.

Hollow – Well no, everything scares me. But if I hide my head in the sand then I'm no good to anyone and I'll probably still end up in the hospital.

Rage – Yeah I guess so. You know what Hollow?

Hollow – What Josh?

Will – Fine be that way you dumb machine. I didn't want them anyways. Dickhole licker.

Rage – I'm glad we're blood brothers.

Hollow – Me too Josh, me too.

Will – GAYYYYYYYYY

*Evanz, Fred, and Peace burst in through the unlocked door.*

Evanz – Hey Hollow we've got to get out of here.

Hollow – What do you mean?

Evanz – This place was abandoned for a reason. The aliens moved in and set up a makeshift base. The whole thing is crawling with them.

Peace – Yeah Fred and I spotted at least two patrols. It's a miracle that they haven't found us already.

Rage – Well shit what do we do now? We can't leave because they'll find us and we can't stay here because my highs fading quickly.

Evanz – I'm telling you Rage. That was penicillin.

Rage – Look I don't need to know the street name for it I'm just saying you should ask for a refund. It's pretty much shit.

Hollow – I've got an idea.

Rage – Oh no Hollow. Not going to happen. No more battle royales.

Hollow – Well what's your great idea then Doctor Josh?

*Hollow, Rage, Will, Peace, Fred, and Evanz crawl through a utility ventilation shaft.*

Rage – Fuck it's so cramped up here.

Hollow – Shut up you man baby we're almost out. I think.

Peace – You think?

Rage – Yeah why is the only one of us with a head wound the one that's leading the group?

Hollow – Because you leading the group is what got us into this shit tube in the first place.

Evanz – He's got a point Hollow, maybe I should go ahead for a while and try to find the exit.

Rage – Yeah Hollow. God why are you so bad at leading?

Hollow – Fair enough Evanz. Shut the fuck up Josh.

Evanz – Alright be right there.

*Evanz makes his way to the front of the crawling conga line.*

Fred – Hey

Evanz – Sorry

Peace – Watch it

Evanz – Sorry

Will – Damn I didn't know sheep were so heavy.

Evanz – Not sorry.

Rage – Hahaha ow.

Evanz – My bad.

Hollow – Alright you go on ahead and we'll follow along after. Shit that stings. The fuck man, are those cleats?

Evanz – Yeah sorry. My grandma gave them to me for 20K subscribers.

Rage – Always going on and on about your youtube channel. Don't you know that nobody cares?

Evanz – Fuck off.

Rage – Seriously, get a life like the rest of us.

*Rage gently strokes the plush doll of his minecraft skin.*

Evanz – See you guys in a bit then.

Hollow – Bye. Good luck.

*Evanz disappears down the left side of the ventilation shaft. Hollow leads the slow moving group in a steady amble after him.*

Hollow – Fred, Peace we've got to get out of here eventually, can you hurry it up please?

Peace – Yeah Hollow Ill be right there, it's just, do you see that horrible turret placement? Hardly any control of that area.

Hollow – Yeah cool whatever it's not important. Just keep moving.

Peace – I think Fred can get that crate down there.

Fred – What? I'm getting a crate?

Hollow – No we're leaving.

Peace – Oh definitely there's no way it'll notice you in time.

Hollow – Now! We're leaving now!

Fred – You think?

Peace – Come on Fred. Make me proud.

Fred – Alright here goes.

Hollow – God dammit.

Peace – You got this buddy.

Hollow – We are in imminent danger. There are things down there that want to kill us. What part of that is so hard for you people?

Rage – What do you mean you people?

Peace – Look Fred has some skills and if he says that he can do this then I believe him.

Rage – C'mon Hollow. Finish the reference.

Hollow – He didn't even say he could do this. You said it for him.

Rage – It's "what do YOU mean you people?".

Peace – Look it's the same difference. God Hollow you really need to lighten up. Why are you always so serious?

Rage – From Tropic Thunder. Did nobody else get that?

Hollow – I'm serious because this is life and death right now. This isn't some game; this is reality. And in reality when people start shooting you're supposed to be fucking serious. Besides what's ten coins going to buy him anyways huh? A water pistol? Like that five drown damage is really going to hold off an alien invasion.

Will – Hahahah I got it Rage. I got the reference.

Peace – Well at least he's trying something instead of just bitch caving next to a girder.

*Rage and Will high five.*

Hollow – I'm not bitching. I'm just digging my way through to the other side.

Peace – Oh yeah, and Rage doesn't look like a paedophile in those glasses.

Rage – Hey!

*Turret fire*

Peace – What was that?

*Peace looks down to see a bloody Fred struggling to tie a twine rope around an oversized packing crate.*

Peace – NOOOO!

*Peace double jumps into the hole and activates his jetpack. He grabs at the packing crate while taking a buffalo strapped with explosives out of his pocket and throwing it toward the turret. The overly confused land mammal gores Peace and explodes, bursting a nearby water pipe and flooding the area.*

Rage – Hey look Hollow it's Aqua Buffalo. "My people need me!"

Hollow – Sweet titty fucking Christ what the fuck just happened?

Rage – Hey Hollow what do we know about Aqua Buffalo?

Hollow – What the fuck Josh those are our friends down there. And they're dead. Fred and Peace are dead!

Will – He's got an AB on his chest!

Rage – This guy. This guy knows what's up.

*Rage and Will fist bump, making explosion sounds as they pull their hands away. Hollow slams his face into his palms.*

Hollow – I need some tea soon or I'm going to crack.

Rage – What's this about crack?

*Evanz crawls back to see a visibly shaken Hollow with his head in his hands and an overly upset Rage grabbing after Hollow yelling "don't you hide it from me dammit".*

Evanz – Hey I think I found the exit. Wait what happened here?

Rage – Fred and Peace killed themselves over a packing crate. And now Hollow won't share any of his stash.

Hollow – I said I was going to crack, not that I had crack.

Rage – Don't try lying to a doctor, it's impossible.

Evanz – What!? Fred and Peace are dead?

Will – Yeah now they can RIP in Peace if you know what I mean.

Hollow – You're worse than Rage.

Rage – Hahaha this kid just keeps them coming doesn't he?

*Rage and Will try to chest bump but Rage gets stuck in the quickly filling death hole.*

Rage – Help!

Evanz – Should we?

Hollow – Na just leave them, they'll catch up.

*Evanz, Hollow, Rage and Will climb out of the ventilation shaft and unto the parking deck.*

Rage – That wasn't funny guys. The bottom of my pants are sopping wet.

Hollow – Yeah well two of our best friends are dead. I'd say we got off easy.

Rage – Easy? I'm almost definitely going to get ankle chafing. Not only is that embarrassing but it's also moderately uncomfortable. I think I've suffered enough as it is.

Hollow - …

Rage – Besides I wouldn't really call them my best friends. I mean sure we hang out with them a lot and we've had some pretty crazy times playing worms together but when was the last time they offered to give me a vital organ?

Hollow – You don't need any vital organs!

Rage – That shouldn't stop them from offering. Besides it's always good to have a few in reserve for a rainy day.

Hollow – You're a monster.

Will – I'll give you my vital organs Rage.

Rage – You will?

Will – Just let me be on quickbuild.

Rage – How about this instead? Because you're my friend and all, you give me your insides now and I'll put you on the list of definitely maybes some time in the near future.

Will – Deal!

Evanz – Hey guys I found the car!

Hollow – Great. Let's get the fuck out of here.

*Evanz, Hollow, Will and Rage approach the Citreon DS. Will tells Rage how happy he is to finally be a famous challenger. Rage agrees and asks Will if he has any congenital heart defects he should know about before the donation.*

Evans – To be honest I know we lost Peace and Fred but I still thought this whole thing would be way more challenging than it was.

*The telltale clank of an alien mech reverberates out of the darkness.*

Rage – WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

Evanz – Shit I don't know. Sorry. Quick how are we doing on provisions? Phoenix feathers? Cappuccinos? Anything?

Rage – What the fuck's a Phoenix feather?

Hollow – Coffee's disgusting. You're disgusting for suggesting it.

Evanz – Oh God I've got nothing too. Dammit Esther.

Rage – Who the fuck is Esther?

Hollow – Well I guess it's round two then.

*Hollow picks up a metal bar and a handful of his genitals, vigorously shaking both in the direction of the alien aggressor.*

Hollow – Come get me you bitch.

Will – Evanz what are you doing? Call Truffles. She'll fly us all to safety.

Evanz – Shut it kid. I don't have a magical flying sheep wife named Truffles.

Rage – Look Will this is not the time to start Evanz in on one of his sexual fantasies.

Evanz – Fuck you guys.

*The warbot walks slowly forward, towering over them.*

Rage – Well I guess this is it guys. Evanz if you somehow survive this I want you to find my quickbuild server…

Evanz – Oh my god I've been preparing my whole life for this moment.

Rage – …and I want you to shred it, because fuck you I'm the host and it's coming with me to the grave.

*The mechs mounted machine gun loudly whirs.*

*A solid gold TF-X crashes through the roof the parking complex, burying the mech and the Citreon DS in a pile of rubble.*

Rage – Oh God no it can't be.

*The cockpit hatch opens up in a blinding flash of light. A man in a full gold suit and sunglasses climbs out to the sounds of dubstep and prerecorded children's laughter.*

Rage – NO THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! YOU'RE DEAD! I KILLED YOU!

Evanz – Who is it?

Hollow – Just some guy who played against Rage in Super Battle Heaven Forever.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Is this Minecon?

Rage – GO AWAY FOUL SPIRIT! YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE!

Will – Oh my god it's SkyDoesMinecraft. He's so funny. You're so funny. I'm your biggest fan. Say budder.

Rage – NO WILL DON'T FALL FOR IT! I BEAT HIM! ME! RAGE! YOU'RE MY BIGGEST FAN! NOT HIS!

Hollow – Sorry mate this isn't Minecon. This is a hospital. Good timing though. I think you just saved our lives.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Oh damn I could've sworn this was Minecon. I guess I was going too fast in my…flying golden car.

Will – Cmon say it. Say budder. Say iiiiit.

Evanz – Wow man where'd you get that thing?

Rage – BACK BAAAAAACK!

SkyDoesMinecraft – Oh that? Well you know, YouTube's got to take care of the talent.

Will – Please please please please please please please please please please…

*Will clings to SkyDoesMinecraft's golden pant leg.*

SkyDoesMinecraft – OK I guess I could do it this one time, since you're a fan and all. Here goes: It's not gold…

*SkyDoesMinecraft slowly pulls off his sunglasses, devilishly winking to no one in particular.*

SkyDoesMinecraft – …It's budder.

Will – Hahahahahah you're so funny.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Thanks kid. I try.

Rage – LEAVE! FOREVER AWAY FROM HERE!

SkyDoesMinecraft – So uh do you guys need a ride somewhere?

Hollow – Actually yeah that'd be amazing. Do you mind dropping us off at London?

Rage – NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

SkyDoesMinecraft – Is he going to be like this the whole time?

*Rage begins to violently hiss at SkyDoesMinecraft.*

Evanz – Yeah probably.

SkyDoesMinecraft – On second thought we're all out of room. Sorry guys. Good luck with, you know, surviving.

Rage – I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR PRECIOUS BUDDER! CHOKE ON IT!

Will – Wait Sky can I please come? Please please please please please please please?

SkyDoesMinecraft – Well I don't know kid I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Will – I'll give you this watch. Its mostly copper but it's painted to look like its gold.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Deal

*Will and SkyDoesMinecraft enter the golden TF-X and fly off into the setting sun.*

Hollow – Nice going Josh. Now we're fucking walking to London.

Rage – Totally worth it.

Hollow – No it's not.

Rage – I'll tell you one thing though, I'm going to miss that kid.

Evanz – That makes one of us.

Rage – Baaaaaaa.

*Evanz punches Rage in the stomach.*

Rage – Holy shit. What is it national punch rage in the dick day?

Hollow – Ughhh God no. Nobody wants to touch that.

*Evanz, Rage and Hollow walk over the crumpled carcass of the mech and head south toward Fluke and the promise of safety.*