Chapter 17

A/N- Oh, just so you guys know… this takes place the night before what happened with Carlos last chapter. So yeah. ;) Sorry if I'm confusing you or anything. ;)

James watched sadly as Logan and Carlos ate their dinners without a word. Carlos never played with his dinosaur chicken nuggets anymore, and Logan hadn't picked up a book in days. It broke James's heart seeing how horribly broken his two younger friends seemed.

He kept on watching, not making a noise, as Logan got up and took all their plates and placed them in the dishwasher. He got it started, and the noise of it seemed to penetrate throughout the apartment, breaking the uncomfortable silence. James was grateful for it.

"I'm gonna head on to bed, okay?" Logan suddenly said. James felt bad that Logan had to sleep by himself, but Logan claimed that he liked being alone. And James couldn't just leave Carlos by himself.

James felt Carlos's gaze staring into him, and after putting on his "everything's going to be okay" façade, turned towards his friend. "What's up, buddy? You doing okay?"

Carlos nodded. "Yeah… I-I'm gonna go sleep too." He stood up, and James knew that was his cue to stand up also. It was silently agreed that whenever Carlos wanted to sleep, James would go with him. It was the least he could do.

James tucked Carlos in and sat on his bed until the younger boy fell asleep. James sighed, watching Carlos's peaceful breathing. In and out, up and down… James couldn't help but think that he wasn't taking care of Logan and Carlos enough.

Logan couldn't stop having major freak outs every time they talked about Kendall, and Carlos woke up every night with some horrible nightmare that kept him up for hours. And what was worse was that James couldn't do anything to help them, except try and comfort them and tell them false hopes that even Carlos knew weren't true.

He control Logan's panic attacks, he couldn't stop Carlos from having nightmares. How did Kendall do it, taking care of everyone so well? All James could do was stand by and put a hand on Logan's shoulder while he gasped for breath, and sit in Carlos's bed while the younger boy cried himself back to sleep.

He wasn't good enough. He wasn't as good as Kendall… he couldn't replace what Kendall had been. He just wasn't good enough.

James sighed as he walked into Logan's bedroom, checking on the smart boy. Logan was lying in bed, his eyes wide open. When he saw James enter, he sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Hey."

James nodded, sitting down beside Logan. "Hey, man, you okay?"

Logan bit his lip, looking down at his lap. "Well, fine as one could be in a situation like this." He said, trying to lighten the mood. James forced a smile out so Logan wouldn't feel awkward.

"Yeah, I know… I didn't realize how hard Kendall's job was. Keeping us all in check, ya know?" James blurted out, not even knowing the words were out until he heard them himself.

Logan glanced at James, and James didn't like the sympathy in his eyes. He didn't need sympathy. He was supposed to protect this fragile boy sitting in front of him. He was supposed to protect his little brother from another mother, little Carlos, who couldn't seem to stop crying. He was supposed to protect sweet little Katie, whose Big Brother, her role model, was in the hospital slowly deteriorating. He was supposed to protect Mrs. Knight, whose only son was in the hospital, possibly leaving her just as her husband had.

He was supposed to protect Kendall, who was in the hospital doing who knew what. Kendall, who'd protected them and kept them going all these years. Kendall had been there for them for more than a decade, and when he finally stepped down, James wasn't able to take his place.

James didn't get it. How could Kendall be so… almost perfect? How could Kendall handle it when Logan had a panic attack, or when Carlos woke up screaming, or when James was freaking out about his face? It had been a month, and James was already starting to grow crazy.

He couldn't be Kendall; he'd never be able to replace his leader. No one could. But especially not him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. And he was ashamed of it. Kendall would never, ever, step down from protecting his friends. But that was exactly what James wanted to do now.

Logan sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest. "James, you know you can't always be the leader, right? I could always step up, if you want. I may not do good under pressure… but I'll always be there for my best friends." James smiled at Logan. Logan would make a better leader than him, James was sure of it…

But he still shook his head. "It's alright, I'm fine. But when I need you, I'll tell ya, okay?" Logan nodded.

"Okay, but still… it's okay to cry, it's okay to act weak… we still love you. You're not letting us down." James almost scoffed out loud. He was letting them all down, he just knew it. He was letting his friends down. He was pathetic. He couldn't even be there for his friends when they needed him.

"I… I'm sorry." James whispered.

"For what?"

"I can't ever replace, Kendall, can I?" James whispered, tears in his eyes. He was ashamed when some started rolling down his face. Logan put his hand on his shoulder, tears in his eyes too.

"James, no one can completely replace another person. Especially not someone like Kendall Knight. But you're doing the best anyone can, alright? No one else could have done what you have."

James blinked his tears away. "You r-really think so?"

Logan nodded, firm and sure. "I know so."

The two boys stared at each other, sniffling. Finally, James stood up, sighing. "Get some rest, alright? You look like you need it."

Logan grinned. "I feel like it, too. Where are you going?"

James gestured outside. "I'm gonna go check on him." They both knew who "him" was.

Logan nodded. "Take care of him, alright? And if you ever need help… I'm kinda an insomniac, so…" James nodded.

"I'll call you, I know. But try and get some sleep, alright?" He left the room and Logan muttered a quick "good night".

James was right on time, too, because right when he closed the door shut, he heard cries and whimpers from the room he shared with Carlos. James sighed tiredly, quickly walking into the room and taking Carlos into his arms.

"Carlos, buddy, what's up? Was it another nightmare?" He was already expecting the nod. This was already the second week in a row.

"Y-you weren't there when I woke up, J-James… I was scared." He whispered in a small voice. James sighed, a headache starting to come.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Carlos… but really, maybe you shouldn't always depend on me. Try taking care of yourself, okay? Y-you're… you're wearing me out, buddy." James sighed, putting his head in his hands. He didn't want Carlos to feel bad… but all this crying was just… it was just making him feel even more worthless. He couldn't even do anything to stop the nightmares.

He bet Kendall could have.

Carlos pressed his face into James's shirt, sobbing quietly. "I-I don't want you to be sick t-too, James…" He cried, his small body trembling. James didn't think he was sick physically… but maybe his was sick mentally. In a different way from Kendall, though.

James rubbed Carlos's back, desperately trying to calm Carlos down, his head swimming and his eyelids drooping. He didn't want to be the leader anymore, not that he'd been a good one; he just couldn't do it. He just wanted to retire for a while. He just wanted to stop worrying about reality…

"J-James? D-don't cry." James was surprised to find tears streaming down his face. Now he was crying in front of Carlos. Great. Just great.

James tried to force out a smile. He was glad it was dark in the room. "I'm alright, buddy… j-just worried bout Kendall, ya know?"

Carlos sniffled. "I am too." He choked out. "B-but please don't cry, James… I-I'm sorry I made you sick."

James chuckled, despite the circumstances. "Oh, Carlos, you're not the one making me sick… just go to sleep alright?"

Carlos nodded, his eyelids already drooping. He wrapped his arms around James's waist and put his head on his shoulder. James had to admit that the motion comforted himself as well. "I love you, James…" Carlos whispered, so softly James almost didn't catch it.

James sighed. He was doing such a crappy job; how could Logan and Carlos still assure him he was doing great when he was doing such a crappy job. They didn't love him, he wasn't Kendall. He'd never be Kendall. He'd never even be close to who Kendall was.

James Diamond was just a face, wasn't he? Just pretty on the outside, nothing else. James tried to blink back the tears of frustration, hurt, and anger out of his hazel eyes. He hugged Carlos tightly. "I love you, too, little buddy."

But by then, Carlos was asleep already.

Line line line

James didn't get any sleep the night before. Maybe an hour, probably less. He just stayed awake thinking about Kendall… how James Diamond wasn't good enough. How Kendall was.

He really tried his best, he really did. But he couldn't even start to compare himself with Kendall. Kendall was just everything he couldn't be.

James stood up, stretched, then walked over to Carlos's bed to check on the younger boy. Carlos's chest rose and fell gently, his breathing peaceful and even. He was in his little world of corndogs and rainbows and kittens. James never wanted him to leave that world.

Kissing the boy on the head, James closed the door behind him as he walked into Logan's room. The small boy was snoring softly, his arm over his forehead. As James got closer, though, he saw dried tear tracks running down Logan's face. Just another way he'd screwed up. Logan had comforted him, yet he hadn't been there for Logan.

"You're pathetic, James." James muttered to himself bitterly. He tucked Logan in gently, waling out of the room and into the bright apartment outside. He glanced at the swirly slide Carlos hadn't been on in weeks, the TV that hadn't even been touched for weeks, and then down at the pool, which no one had even thought about for weeks. And it was all his fault. He could've kept them happy, but he failed time and time again.

James didn't know how long he'd just stood there, thinking about how big of a failure he was and how he was bringing everyone down and how if Kendall were here, he'd know what to do. He stared and stared, watching the birds fly and someone in the pool lying in a tube thingy as if nothing was wrong in their life. James wanted to punch that kid.

James finally looked away, walking over to the kitchen and pulling open a high cabinet about the kitchen counter, standing on a stool. He stood on his tippy toes until he felt the rough texture of the bottle. He brought it down, staring at it.

It was Carlos's bottle of Ritalin. He hadn't taken one in a long time, since after Kendall's little accident… Carlos really had no need to be so hyper anymore. He was too busy grieving and crying over Kendall. And with James as his leader, no one could blame him.

They said if you just ate a few pills of this stuff, you could automatically be pulled into a world with no pain, no worries, just blissful joy. And right now, that sounded perfect to James.

But right when he was about to open the cap, he forgot about the stool he was currently perched atop. His foot stepped into midair, and he didn't even have time to yelp in surprise before he fell painfully onto the ground.

His head crashed harshly into the kitchen counter on his way down. James thought he saw red in his vision. His legs sent a burst of pain through him, and he groaned in agony. He dropped the bottle, all its contents spilling out and all over the floor. His head throbbed, his legs felt like they had broke, and his arm had taken quite a fall, too.

James didn't remember feeling so much pain in a long time. "Ugh…" James groaned, trying to hold back a whimper. He had to get up, he had to go and take care of… Katie and Logie… and Carlos and… the pain was too much. He felt his vision blurring, but he tried to keep himself conscious. He couldn't let Logan or Carlos or anyone else find himself on the floor, his head probably bleeding.

James let out a pained sob. He had failed them again, hadn't he? Now they… they'd have something else to worry about now. Him. He was letting his friends down. He was the protector, no one was supposed to look out for him.

But here he was, spread out on the ground, his consciousness fading away.

Just before he blacked out, he heard someone's voice. It seemed so far away James didn't know if he was dreaming or not.

"James!"

A/N- So, yeah… that's what Carlos saw. I am actually proud (and ashamed) to say that this may be the longest chapter I've ever written! Which is kinda pathetic, since… yeah, it's not that long, ya know?

But anyways, I'd love it if you reviewed and congratulated me on my awesome chapter. Please? ;) And poor James, right? I just LOVE making these guys feel bad about themselves, don't I? Sorry about that. ;)

Anyways (I keep saying anyways cuz I keep getting off topic), I'll see ya next time! Oh! And BIG TIME BLOOPERS! HILARIOUS! What was your favorite blooper? Mine was probably the one where Carlos crashes into that tree, where he puts his helmet on backwards, when Kendall catches the vase, when Kelly says "nalbum" and- okay, I'll stop now. ;) Maybe you can tell me your favorite in A REVIEW!

Peace, Love, and Bloopers,

Anonymous Skrtle