Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.
A Ragican Fanfic
By Winnebagels
Chapter 6 – London
*Hollow, Rage, and Evanz wander for hours through the rubble of London and find themselves at the foot of Fluke's apartment building.*
Rage – Hollow go knock on the door.
Hollow – I'm not your slave nancy boy. If you want the door opened, do it yourself.
Rage – Did you hear that everybody? Hollow doesn't want the door to open because he hates you. He hates you and he wants to drag this intro out as long as possible.
Hollow – That's a lie guys. Rage is a liar.
Evanz – Who are you talking to? I'm confused.
Rage – Look if you don't hate them then it's simple. Just open the door. Get this thing started. And if you leave it closed, well that just means you think all your subs are gay faggot retards.
Hollow – You're an asshole Josh. Nobody believes that. Don't believe that guys. I don't think you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I don't give a fuck about it. You can fuck a car if you want to. I don't care. Might as well jam it into a wall but you know, love is love.
Evanz – Are you guys ok? You're not making any sense. We should probably get you out of this heat.
Rage – Fuck a car? Something you need to tell us mate? Hahaha get it guys? Because he just talked about fucking cars. High five? Anybody? No? Fuck you guys then. I miss my 10-year-old.
Hollow - …and that's why I say faggot. Because it doesn't mean anything about being gay, it's just another word for a bag of spicy balls of meat. That you put in your mouth. It's a satire.
Evanz – I bet Fluke has some water, maybe even tea. You still like tea right Hollow?
Hollow – I'm a faggot. You're a faggot. Everybody's a faggot. It's all about being happy when you say it. I'm a happy faggot.
Rage – I knew it.
Hollow – Shut the fuck up Josh! I'm being supportive.
Evanz – Alright then.
*Evanz walks up to the doorway of Fluke's apartment and buzzes him hello.*
Fluke – Hello? Who's there? I'm not buying any more cutleries from the likes of you. If you need them to spread butter on a boot they're fine, but try and cut that same boot in half and they're completely useless.
Evanz – Hey Fluke, it's me Evanz.
Fluke – Evanz! Oh how I've missed our times together, frolicking about in the meadows, chasing after the ice-cream man, painting with our fingers… Wait! How do I know it's really you and not some snakeoil salesman after my fistful of coppers?
Evanz – I promise it's me.
Fluke – Your word is no good here! You purveyor of paltry plastics, you sultan of second-rate shelvings, you…
Evanz – I super duper promise it's me.
Fluke – Of course! How could I ever have doubted you! I'll be right down to let you in.
*Hollow towers over a bruised and bloodied Rage.*
Rage – C'mon Hollow tell me about the babe.
Hollow – I keep hitting him but he never seems to stop talking.
Rage – Come onnnnnn. I know you know itttttt.
Hollow – Maybe I'm just not hitting hard enough.
*Fluke swings open the door, the light from his "adventuring goggles" momentarily blinds everyone in a half mile.*
Fluke – Old buddy old pal old friend it's been too long. Why the last time I saw you, you only came up to my shoulders, and now, you come all the way up to my shoulders! Just look at you! Why what's this peach fuzz I see growing on your bottom lip? Have you been hitting the puberty?
Evanz – Um yeah I think so.
*Fluke hugs Evanz*
Fluke – I'm so proud. My little Evanz is all grown up. Ugh I feel so old. I've got crows feet under my eyes. Never mind that though. It's impolite for you to notice. You're old enough to be on your own now. Go on get out of the house. It's time to fly the coop little bird. I can't take care of you all the time because that would be communism. And if there's one thing I hate it's birds that believe in communism.
Evanz – But I just got here.
Fluke – Don't make this any harder than it already is. Now leave baby birdy, just leave! It's time for you to be a grownup. Oh God I promised I wouldn't cry.
*Fluke beats Evanz away with a broom while gently sobbing.*
Rage – Dammit Evanz what are you doing to Fluke?
Evanz – But I didn't…
Fluke – I tried to reason with the man but he just wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen to reason I tell you!
*Fluke collapses to the floor and starts shaking Rage's pants legs.*
Rage – It's ok Will. Come on let's get you out of the sun and away from that monster.
Fluke – Thank you kind sir or madam. You are a saintly saint saint who should be sainted by Pope Saint Popington.
Evanz – So uh what's going on exactly?
Hollow – It's ok Evanz this sort of stuff happens all the time. The fumes from the copious amounts of hydrogen peroxide Fluke uses on his hair have gradually eaten away at his brain. He does get a bit loopy every now and again.
Fluke – I'm a princess Evanz. I'm a princess and you're my queen mommy. And I love you. But you're a bit of a slut. Shhhh shhh shhh. Don't worry my lips are sealed.
Rage – Hahaha ok right how funny would it have been had Fluke put an actual seal to his lips just then. Get it? Like the animal.
Evanz – Not very funny at all really.
Hollow – 5 out of 10.
Fluke – Numbers? Numbers maths, maths school, school science. IT'S SCIENCE JENKINS! THE ANSWER IS SCIENCE!
*Fluke slams the door to his apartment building, stops, flings back open the door, yells science, and marches up to his room. Hollow, Rage and Evanz follow quietly behind.*
Rage – Where's the science Will?
Fluke – What science? What are you on about? How did you get into my home?
Evanz – You invited us.
Fluke – Evanz! Boy am I happy to see you! And your hair! It's so wooly.
Evanz – Don't start.
*Fluke brushes Evanz hair with his fingers.*
Fluke – Yes very wooly. Like a goat.
*Evanz ducks to avoid Fluke's hand.*
Hollow – So Fluke what've you been up to?
*Fluke swivels his head around to face Hollow.*
Fluke – Oh you know, not much. Looting mostly.
Evanz – You're looting?
Fluke – Only when I get the urge. Anything to get me out of the house really. Bagel shops, grocery stores, the local zoo, I tried to get something from Steam but they've banned my credit cards, which to be fair shouldn't stop me from looting but it turns out they're less of an actual place and more of a computer magic.
*A tail is seen moving behind the door.*
Rage – Is that an ocelot?
Fluke – Who Endless? Yeah she's my little looted angel. I broke her out of the zoo. I figure she's paid her debt to society.
Rage – I fucking love ocelots.
Fluke – You should see her after I've locked her in a cage for a couple hours. She draws the prettiest pictures.
Rage – No seriously guys I fucking love ocelots.
Evanz – I'd keep Rage away from that ocelot.
Fluke – What ocelot?
Hollow – Have you heard from Jake?
Fluke – Oh yeah Jake. I've heard from Jake.
Hollow – What have you heard?
Fluke – Nothing.
Evanz – But you just said
Fluke – Jake's dead.
Hollow – Jake's dead?!
Rage – Fucking ocelots mate.
Fluke – Yeah I found his body in the airport. He was sitting outside of security staring at postcards of Los Angeles. He used to stay like that for months at a time.
Hollow – So that's where he would run away to.
Fluke – He lived off of giant pretzels, mayonnaise packets, and wishful thinking.
Evanz – How'd he die?
Fluke – His heart was broken.
Evanz – Black magic?
Fluke – Spear.
Hollow – At least he died doing what he loved.
Fluke – True say brother, true say.
*A flash of light hits outside.*
Hollow – Shit I thought they were done bombing London.
Fluke – They've been bombing London?
Rage – It's like the ocelot can stare directly into my soul.
Evanz – Rage put your pants back on.
*A dark figure pounds on the apartment door.*
Hollow – Shit somebody's outside.
*Pound*
Fluke – They're back for my coppers. The rat bastards.
*Another flash of light sets the roof on fire.*
Hollow – We've got to go. Again. Fucking aliens.
*Pound*
Rage – Well I'm not leaving Endless.
Evanz – You're kind of sick aren't you?
*Pound*
Hollow – Lay off him Evanz. Love is love.
*The fire spreads down the walls.*
Fluke – Well if nobody else is going to get the door.
*Pound*
Hollow – Wait!
*Fluke opens the door. The dark figure tackles Fluke and holds a knife to his throat.*
Henry – Where the fuck is my Peace?
