Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 8 – Morning

*The sun peaks above the cityscape. Evanz, Hollow, Fluke, Endless the Ocelot, and Rage spent the night in slightly vandalized public transportation. Fluke is roasting what might have once been a rat over a trashcan fire.*

Fluke –Wakey wakey. Don't dawdle now. If you sleep in you won't get any worms with your breakfast and if you don't get any worms with your breakfast well then what's the point of picking yourself up off the night night newspapers?

Rage – Oh come on Will, I can still see the sun. Why would anyone get up this early?

Fluke – Someone's a Mister Stinkerpots today. Here have some breakfast sausage.

Rage – No Will I don't want your breakfast sausa-

*Fluke shoves the mostly burnt rat deep into Rage's mouth.*

Fluke – You're so cranky when you're hungry.

*Rage hunches over and violently coughs.*

Fluke – Now eat it all up or you won't grow big and strong and if you don't grow big and strong you won't be able to eat this street porridge and if you don't eat this street porridge well I'll be up to my eyes in street porridge and I won't be able to see anything but street porridge and I'll go mad and I'll cut off all of your toes while you're sleeping and we can't have that. We can't have that at all. Now where did that Evanz boy run off to?

*Fluke opens the bus doors, lowers his "adventuring goggles", raises a handful of shampoo product, and blows on a pull whistle that eerily mimics the vocal sounds of the words "vote" and "evanz". Evanz raises a finger to his lips from inside his impromptu pillow fort.*

Hollow – Fluke make you eat breakfast sausage?

Rage – Yeah. What's in that stuff? I never sausage a thing before. Get it? Sausage. Saw such. It's a pun.

Hollow - Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Rage – No sense in dwelling on the past. I mean shut up.

Hollow – I'm surprised you're not over by Endless.

Rage – Well I woke up covered in scratches and every time I get near her she growls.

Hollow – Do you even remember last night?

Rage – I huffed a lot of bag man.

Hollow – You're not really a role model are you?

Rage – Like at least half. And it was a big bag.

Hollow – So I've been thinking, we can't just keep driving around England. Eventually the war's going to catch up to us. We need to get to someplace where we stand a chance of holding our ground. Someplace with guns enough for all of us. Josh, I think we need to go to America.

Rage – That was the stuff man. Oh baby that was the stuff.

Hollow – Are you even listening?

Rage – I wonder if Fluke has any more. I'll just go check over by Endless.

Hollow – Books always listen. Books are my only real friends.

*Rage crawls over to where Endless is sleeping and stretches out a sweaty hand to grab at her matted hair. This startles Endless and she jumps into Evanz's pillow fort, toppling it. Fluke steps down from the bus doors and slips on a pillow. Fluke falls and hits his head. From the floor he looks up to see Evanz and Endless surrounded by pillows. Fluke shakes his fist as he chases Evanz and Endless inside and outside of the bus to the tune of Yakety Sax.*

Rage – Damn no dice. So Hollow what were you saying? Something depressing I'm guessing?

Hollow – Well if this is all that's left of London then there's not much left for us in England. I mean every place we've been to so far has either been destroyed or soon to be destroyed by Henry and/or Aliens. At least in America we have a fighting chance.

Rage – You know there's no tea in America right?

Hollow – It's not like we've faired much better over here. Besides it's a big place I'm sure they'll have something.

Rage – No I'm serious. They dumped all their tea in the Boston Harbor.

Hollow – That was hundreds of years ago dingus.

Rage – Just don't say I never warned you. I went to uni. I know things.

*Yakety Sax stops playing and Evanz, Endless, and Fluke all scramble to find a chair. Evanz is too slow and loses. Fluke and Endless point and laugh.*

Evanz – GG no re. So what did we miss?

Rage – Hollow wants to go to America.

Evanz – Why would he want to do that? Doesn't he know they dump all their tea in the Boston Harbor?

Rage – That's what I tried to tell him. He just won't listen.

Fluke – Are we going to America? I love America! G'day Mate! Throw another shrimp on the Barbie. I'm an American let's go wrestle an alligator.

Evanz – I don't think that's –

Rage – Let him have this one.

Hollow – I just don't know how we're going to get there.

Fluke – Oy I suppose we could kick box a mommy kangaroo with a drop bear and grab the nearest elf boat on a one way course out off Middle Earth.

Evanz – That last one was New Zealand. Besides wouldn't that mean we'd be sailing away from it instead of sailing towards it?

Fluke – I reckon it does. Then again I reckon it doesn't.

Hollow – Maybe not that. We'll uh leave that as a strong plan b.

Fluke – Alright there mate.

Hollow – So does anyone else have an idea?

Rage – We could always use the Ragican Fleet.

Hollow – What do you mean the Ragican Fleet?

Rage – Well, you know, the Grand Fleet of the Ragican Empire. I had it built before Super Battle Heaven Forever Season 2. A little insurance in case the votes don't go my way.

Hollow – You're going to jail.

Rage – I got a bunch of the wannabe quick build challengers to build it under the supervision of Spud McCullough and Curaxu. I promised them all t-shirts.

Evanz – That's a lot of t-shirts.

Rage – Well I didn't actually give them the t-shirts, what with this economy and all.

Hollow – Probably for life.

Rage – Do you want to go to America or don't you?

Hollow – Fine. I won't report you this time. But next thing I see and you're definitely getting a citation.

Rage – I'm shaking.

Evanz – So where is it?

Rage – I've had them following me for a while now. Just one call and they'll be right down.

Hollow – You've had a fleet this whole time and you made us walk to London?!

Rage – Hey it's not my fault you don't follow RagicanFleet on twitter.

Hollow – I don't care any more. At this point I'm just numb.

Rage – Now where was I? Oh that's right. I was saving our asses.

*Rage pulls the plushie of his minecraft skin out of his shirt pocket and strokes the face whispering "You're my favorite. You're everyone's favorite. You're so funny. Everyone wants to be you."*

Hollow – What? How's that gonna-

Rage – Shhhh shhhhh shhhhh saving our asses.

*Rage returns to the plushie, this time with gusto. The distant hum of a motor soon becomes a deafening roar. Rage continues to stroke with one hand and uses the other hand to fling open the bus doors. Three red and black zeppelins tower in the air above them.*

Rage – WHAT DID I TELL YOU? DON'T EVER DOUBT THE RAGICAN EMPIRE!

Hollow – HOLY

Evanz – SHIT.

Fluke – YAY A BALLOON! I LIKE BALLOOONS.

Hollow – IT'S A BIT LOUD ISN'T IT?

Rage – WHAT?

Hollow – I SAID IT'S A BIT LOUD. IT'S KIND OF HARD FOR US TO HEAR EACH OTHER OVER THE SOUND OF THE ZEPPELIN.

Rage – WHAT? HOLLOW YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP. I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THE ZEPPELIN.

Hollow – WHAT?

*Evanz grabs the plush doll out of Rage's hands and the deafening roar falls silent.*

Evanz – Much better.

Rage – Hey! Give me back to me! It's precious!

Evanz – In a bit, first we're going to talk without shouting at each other.

Fluke – BUT I LIKE SHOUTING

Evanz – Next time Fluke.

Fluke – AWWWWW

Rage – Fine. It'll take a while for them to build a rope ladder anyways.

Evanz – It doesn't already have a rope ladder?

Rage – What? And give them a way to escape? This isn't my first fleet of militarized slave-labor airships here ok? Jesus.

Evanz – My bad.

Rage – Amateur.

Evanz – How'd they have time to build all this?

Rage – Ragicans don't need creature comforts like food or sleep or loved ones. No they live off of my pure unbridled hilarity and charm.

Evanz – They must be starving.

Hollow – I'd just like to take this moment to say, thank you unrealistically loyal subs. You are fan fucking tastic. You know if you ever want to build an airship fleet for me the link to my channel should be in the annotations. Or in the description if Josh is being a complete ass about it because of course he is.

Fluke – Evanz mommy can I have the balloon? Pretty please? I promise to do all my homework and only ever use it for good. Please mommy?

Evanz – We'll see. Have you cleaned behind your ears yet?

Fluke – No mommy.

Evanz – Well then I'm sorry, but no balloon today.

Fluke – Bitch mommy. Whore mommy.

Evanz – Hey do you kiss your mother with that mouth? I didn't think so. Now go sit in the corner.

*Fluke sulks his way to the corner of the overturned vehicle muttering under his breath.*

Evanz – And don't make me come back there mister, or the belt's coming off. Kids. Whatcha gonna do? Amirite?

Rage – Sure.

*Fluke waits till Evanz turns his back and then flips him off while sneaking bites from a jar of stolen cookies.*

Rage –Curaxu also built a military grade robotic dragon he houses in the cargo bay.

Evanz – A dragon? How is that even useful?

Fluke – Well I like it. I like it a lot. In fact I like it so much that I think that only fat cranky wrinkled dumb baby doo doo heads with floppy vaginas would think it wasn't useful.

Rage – See Will thinks it's cool.

Evanz – That's quite enough out of you young man. And of course he does. Fluke thinks most things are cool.

Rage – That doesn't make it any less cool.

Hollow – Yup that's GenerationHollow. With a G and an H. And some other, less important letters.

Rage – Besides the main reason Curaxu built it was to one up Spudd McCullough.

Evanz – Yeah I'm a bit surprised they're working together at all.

Rage – Meh it's a bit like that Odd Couples show on Animal Planet. By all rights one of them should be dead.

Hollow – New content daily.

Rage – So are we ready to bring this back now, bring this back now, bring this back now tonigheeight? They should be done with the ladder by now.

Evanz – Why not? It makes about as much sense as everything else that's been happening.

Rage – Score one for the Evil Empire.

Hollow – The best tea this side of India.

Fluke – Adventure!

*Evanz tosses the plushie to Rage who furiously strokes it. The deafening roar returns and a rope ladder drops down from the middle zeppelin. Evanz climbs up the ladder pulling Fluke behind him by his ear. Rage ties himself to the ladder and to Endless. Endless claws at Rage's bespectacled face. Rage hurts so good. Hollow grabs hold of the end of the ladder and shouts "30k subs and rising". They are raised into the airship and then again into the clouds. The sun shines brightly over London.*