Everyone's Not Dead. Friday The Thirteenth Holiday Edition.
A Ragican FanFic
By Winnebagels
[Winnebagels Note: Hey everybody. I just wanted to take this time to say thank you for sticking with me as long as you have. I know I've gotten progressively worse at updating this and talking to you people in the at all. I'm sorry for that. School's started back up and I've got three different upper level math classes that are demanding most of my time. Yes I'm a math major. Yes the only thing I'm going to do with that is to be homeless on a street corner selling my body for drugs. Yes I love you too mother. But yeah basically I'm really sorry I haven't done anything in a while. I promise if I have free time over the weekend I'll write chapters nine and ten and get them to you. That said I'm giving y'all the exact opposite of what you want by writing a one off alternate story inspired by a comment from nataz1011 and in honor of Friday the 13th. It's very poorly written but at his point that's to be expected. Enjoy.]
Holiday Special – The Cabin
*Rage, Hollow, Evanz, Fluke and Endless the Ocelot are driving to a lake house their estranged uncle left them in his will. It was built on an Indian Burial ground and was used as a top-secret chemicals lab for the government during the war. The fields they pass are littered with crop circles and all of the bees have disappeared. A dense fog hangs heavily to the mountain path*
Evanz – How far away are we?
Rage – What was that Evanz?
Evanz – I asked how far away we were.
Rage – Yeah ok. Now those are definitely words that you're trying to say but I can't make any of them out through that thick Welsh accent of yours.
Evanz – What thick Welsh accent?
Rage – Woah there calm the fuck down Evanz. There's no need for that kind of language.
Hollow – What's going on? I can fix it.
Rage – Evanz is cussing me out in Welsh speak.
Evanz – I am not. I've lived in England most of my life, I don't have a Welsh accent.
Rage – See? There he goes again!
Hollow – That offended you? You big manbaby. That was just a bunch of consonants and sheep noises.
Rage – Hateful consonants and sheep noises.
Hollow – He was talking to you of course it's going to be hateful. Now shut up and get us to the cabin. If we don't stay the whole night we don't get to keep it remember?
Evanz - I have no idea why you guys are my best friends.
Rage – Shhhh Evanz stop hatefully bleating at me, I'm trying to drive.
*Rage casually swerves to avoid a man standing in the road wielding a chainsaw.*
Fluke – Jesus man you really need to calm down with the driving, you'll wake Endless up.
Rage – You…you brought your ocelot with you?
Fluke – Yeah we go everywhere together. Man and Ocelot have become one you know.
Rage – Oh I know. Let me just…let me just see her. See her with my hands. I uh forgot my glasses and I need to rub my hands all over her if I'm going to get a halfway decent look.
Fluke – Yeah I guess that checks out. Go right ahead.
Rage – My cold, sweaty, trembling hands.
Fluke – No need to preach to the choir man.
*Rage takes his hands off the wheel to grab after Endless the Ocelot. Rage breathes heavily. Endless whimpers slightly. Evanz reminds everyone that someone should be driving. Hollow slaps Evanz repeatedly claiming he's grown hysterical. Fluke takes another toke from his novelty fire hydrant bong. The bus veers off the road, down a hill, and into one of the walls of the lakehouse.*
Hollow – Looks like we made it. Let's get to unpacking those mirrors and black cats that we stored in the trunk.
Fluke – Who's house is this again?
*Rage looks up from Endless after getting repeatedly scratched in the face.*
Rage – Clever girl. You've got some fight in you, I fucking love that.
Evanz – It's our uncle's? Right? He left it to us in his will or something. He was a puppet maker and they found him in his bathtub cut to pieces with tiny bloody handprints all over his body. Police said he died of natural causes.
Hollow – Maybe you should start writing things down. That way we could communicate.
Rage – Hold on mate I got this. Evanz. Evanz. You. Coal. Miner. Mine. Coal. We. English. We. Have. Electricity. Light Spirits. And. Running. Water. Water Spirits.
*Rage uses large demonstrative hand motions to tell the story of the savage Welsh being conquered by the noble English mainly through the use of boiled foods and funny hats.*
Evanz – What uni did you go to again?
Hollow – What did he say?
Rage – Something about wanting the smallest room in the house. It was hard to make out between all the praise he gave me for being a witty, attractive and overall extraordinary human being.
Fluke – So I just got back from the trunk and, well let's just save the kitty fun house for another adventure. One where we have working mirrors and kitties that are still alive.
Hollow – Damn it well I guess that means we're leaving all this clown makeup in the bus.
Fluke – Yeah I guess. Bit of a buzzkill really.
Hollow – At least we can still play with the Ouija board. You brought the incense right?
Fluke – Yup. I got the primo stuff too. They say this came straight from an Egyptian tomb.
Hollow – Wow how'd you get it so cheap?
Fluke – The last owner's family was carried away by scarabs. I guess he was hurting for cash.
*Hollow, Fluke, Evanz, Rage, and Endless circle around a Ouija game board coated liberally with pig's blood.*
Hollow – Weird I don't remember that blood being there when I bought it from that travelling gypsy.
Fluke – Don't look a gift horse in the mouth man. Now what should we ask it? How about "Why is there a man in the moon? Is he watching us? And if he's watching us what is he doing with his hands?"
Evanz – I'm gonna go pee in the dark woods without a torch. No looking at my cards while I'm gone.
Rage – Oh stop it Evanz. I know I'm big down there but please we're in public. Sorry about my friend, baby.
*Rage winks at Endless, his mouth wide open and his chin backed up to meet with his neck.*
Hollow – We can start after I open this umbrella, I don't want any of that black stuff leaking from the ceiling to mess with my reading time.
*Evanz screams loudly in the background.*
Fluke – What was that?
Rage – I don't know but I have blood in my diarrhea. I mean I have blood in my diarrhea, baby.
*Rage does his best to smile at Endless the Ocelot while his face contorts with tears and sloppy fear-sweat.*
Hollow – It sounded like Evanz. We should split up and find him.
Rage – No we should just call the cops and leave. Now. I'm sure that's what Evanz would've wanted. I need my security lizard.
Fluke – Me and Endless will check the kitchen. I could stand to get something to munch on. Oh shit do we have hot pockets and Cheetos? I could so go for hot pockets and Cheetos.
Hollow – We're looking for Evanz Fluke.
Fluke – Oh yeah. That's what I meant.
Rage – Wait don't leave! I was just kidding about the lizard. She means nothing to me. Guys?
*Hollow walks outside and into the flickering forest. A mother fox shrieks in the distance.*
Hollow – Evanz? Evanz are you here? We can play the new COD DLC back inside the cabin. It let's you respawn and everything. Come on man come on out this isn't funny anymore.
*Hollow approaches a large pine tree and sees Evanz's stomach cut open and his throat slit.*
Hollow – You ok buddy? Can you try and walk it off for me?
*A twig breaks and Hollow looks up to see a figure standing above him, dripping blood.*
Hollow – Oh. So it's you. Well you should know one thing before you step any closer.
*The figure cocks its head to the side. It's beady eyes staring quizzically at Hollow.*
Hollow – I'm the goddamn batman.
*Fluke and Endless sit at the kitchen table. The most that they found in the cabinets was an old can of ravioli and a jar of molasses. They split the meal between them.*
Fluke – Look you're entitled to your opinion, however wrong it may be, but RoboChurchill beats Mutant Margaret Thatcher any given Sunday.
*A window crashes and Hollow can be heard laughing hysterically for a period of time before the sudden onset of silence.*
Fluke – Rage must've left the tellie on again. Him and his damn Latin Soap Operas. Don't eat all the good pieces while I'm gone.
*Fluke walks into the hallway and past the dark figure standing on the staircase. A river of blood at his feet.*
Fluke – Rage come on man turn it down. They don't really love you, they're just characters on a show. They're paid to say it, just like your parents.
*The figure stands behind Fluke, running his knife up and down Fluke's spine.*
Fluke – This isn't the time for a tickle fight Endless. Besides the more we play, the more I wind up in the hospital.
*Fluke turns around to face the figure. The sounds of a heavy rain can be heard through the broken window.*
Fluke – You're not Endless.
*Rage wallows in a mix of his own juices as he rocks back and forth in the fetal position.*
Rage – You're the best arouhound….
*Fluke's scream bounces off the thick walls of the cabin. Distorting it to the point that it hardly sounds human anymore.*
Rage – …no one's ever…gonna…keep you…down.
*Footsteps approach Rage at a steady rhythm. Rage whines and each whine is punctuated by a thud on the cabin floor.*
Rage – Look I know we got off on the wrong foot here but I really think we could be friends.
*The footsteps draw closer and Rage wets himself for the third time in the past hour.*
Rage – I didn't even like those guys. They were assholes. If you had told me I would have helped you kill them.
*A figure appears in the doorway.*
Rage – Oh God please don't hurt me! Please please please please please! I'm too famous to die.
*The figure walks out of the doorway and into the light. It is Endless with an open gas can in her mouth.*
Rage – Oh thank God it's you! I uh, I wasn't scared. I was just acting. I'm an entertainer.
*Endless stares at Rage.*
Rage – What are you doing with that gas can anyways?
*Endless whips her tail to reveal a book of matches.*
Rage – But if we burn the place down we'll never get the money to rebuild the civic center.
*Endless stares at Rage.*
Rage – Alright alright we'll leave.
*Rage and Endless get in the van and back out of the cabin. The front bumper falls off. Endless lights a match and flicks it on to the trail of gasoline leading into the house. Rage and Endless drive away without looking back as the house bursts into flames behind them. Rage hums "Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions". The van speeds into the rising sun.*
Rage – Wow we lasted through the night after all. And I found twenty dollars on the floor of this van so I guess it's cool to tell this story at parties.
*Endless stares at Rage.*
Rage – Haha good point Endless. You know what though? The way the light just hits the blood spatter on your matted fur really makes me think I'm starting to fucking love you.
*Endless stares at Rage.*
Rage – What do you say Endless? Do you want to make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?
*Endless does not say anything. She is an ocelot.*
Rage – I knew you'd say yes. Wow this really was a perfect weekend.
*Rage adjusts his mirrors just in time to see the dark figure sitting in the backseat of the van moving a knife to his throat. The van flips three times and lands on its side in an open field. Daisies are growing off to one side. Glass is broken. Endless lies dead in a heap of scrap metal. Rage crawls farther and farther away from the crash. The dark figure walks toward Rage. Slowly yet deliberately. His knife glimmers in the rising sun.*
The Dark Figure – You took him away from me Rage. He was mine and you took him away. You really are a piece of shit aren't you?
*The figure steps on to Rage's back. Rage claws at the ground in front of him but can go no further.*
The Dark Figure – You took my Peace Rage. And a world without Peace is hardly a world at all.
*Rage opens his mouth, croaking roughly. His throat burns.*
The Dark Figure – So I took your world away from you. Piece by piece. I killed you Rage. And all you did was run away.
*Rage motions the figure closer.*
The Dark Figure – The last words of the man who would never shut up. And they come as a whimper. How fitting.
*The figure lowers his ear to Rage as he lies on the ground.*
Rage – Fuck you Henry. Fuck you and goodbye.
*Rage slices Henry's throat with a piece of broken windshield.*
*Henry falls on to Rage as they breathe their last. The blaze sweeps over the forest in a cleansing fire.*
[Winnebagels Note: Happy Holidays Everybody! New stuff soon!]
