Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 9 – Flight

*Evanz, Endless the Ocelot and Fluke giggle furiously atop their assorted office chairs. Hollow mumbles to himself as he reads the various wooden signs strewn about the carpeted floor. Rage laughs loudly as he jumps from face to quick build challenger face.*

Hollow – You should really read these.

Rage – Not now Hollow. I'm busy.

*Rage crouches slightly before jumping onto a grim reaper with fire for hands.*

Rage – Fuck yes. I love it when I can parkour their faces.

Hollow – One of us needs to find the exit.

Rage – Ugh why can't Fluke and Evanz do it?

Fluke – THE FLOOR IS LAVA.

Hollow – Apparently the floor is lava.

Rage – No it's not. The walls are lava.

Hollow – What? Why? I thought that was just decoration.

*Rage jumps onto an old woman. Her knees buckle under the weight.*

Rage – It makes it more aerodynamic.

Hollow – No it doesn't you dingus.

Rage – You didn't go to uni man. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

*The left wall of the lobby parts wide to reveal a dirty looking teenage boy. He sports a red hoodie and a poorly kept British Foot Guard uniform. He speaks in measured tones, breathing heavily through his gas mask. A startled Evanz falls out of his seat, breaking his fall with a nearby vase.*

L33TGamingz456Xxz69 – My name is L33tGamingz-with a zed-456-big x-little x-another zed-69. I'm your captain. Welcome aboard.

*Rage tries to jump again but trips himself on the old woman's face.*

Rage – Fucking challengers.

*Evanz and Fluke scramble to piece the vase back together before anyone notices. Endless stands as a lookout, shaping her front paws into binoculars.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – You must be RageGaming. I'm a big fan.

*Rage stops kicking the old woman in her ribs and turns to face this the newest of interlopers.*

Rage – Yes.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – …

Rage – …

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – …

*Rage kicks the old woman as she crawls her way to safety.*

Hollow – Well this is awful. So L33t is there any chance we could meet up with Spudd and Curaxu? We'd really like to get going.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sure thing.

Rage - …

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – STEVE? STEVE CAN YOU GO GET CURAXU AND SPUDD? STEVE? STEVE VISITORS ARE HERE. STEVE?

*Evanz and Fluke run out of tape and start using bubble gum.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – They'll be right down. Is there anything I can get you while we wait?

Hollow – Yeah actually there is one thing. Do you have any tea on board?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Nope sorry we don't carry tea. It wasn't aerodynamic enough.

*Hollow looks down at his feet, then he looks at the walls made of lava, and then he punches Rage in the shoulder.*

Rage – Ow you fucking sock wank. Don't blame me. Blame science.

*A paper mache replica of Minecraft Steve's head rolls in duct taped to a Roomba.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Oh hey Steve. Whats that? No I don't care how drunk he is. What do you mean blood-vomit? GOD DAMMIT STEVE! WE HAVE COMPANY! GET THEM IN HERE!

*L33tGamingz456Xxz69 swats at Steve with a rolled up newspaper.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sorry about that. Steve is a hell of a second-in-command but a bit of a shit when it comes to social situations.

Hollow – That's your second-in-command?

L33tGamingz457Xxz69 – I know he looks like a bit of a spaz at first but he's got a gentle heart and he's the best damn pugilist this side of York Hall.

Hollow – What in the hell is a pugilist?

Rage – Oh, you know, a pew guy. A guy who goes pew all the time. God Hollow, don't you know anything about warfare? Sorry about my friend here. He's a bit special.

*Hollow goes to punch Rage in the shoulder. Rage uses a nearby challenger as a human shield. L33tGamingz456Xxz69 stares at them blankly. Evanz and Fluke decide to just leave the vase as is and block the view of the table with their bodies. Steve hums his way back into the room, this time with Curaxu and a visibly shaken Spudd McCullough in tow.*

Curaxu – You're too damn competitive Spuddy boy. Of course you couldn't outdrink a bear. It's three times your size.

Spudd – You're the competitive one ye jobby jabber. Sharting blood just cause ye lost to Steve at Jenga.

Curaxu – That was one time. One time. Besides he almost certainly cheated. I don't lose. And I certainly don't lose to lesserlings.

Spudd – You're talking oot yer fanny flaps again Cura.

Curaxu – Watch your step Spuddy Boy. It pays to think before you speak. It also pays to not cover yourself in piss and blood-vomit before meeting company.

Spudd – Oy I didn't do it on purpose now did I? Most of that was there when I woke up.

Rage – Hey guys

Curaxu, Spudd – Hey boss.

Rage – How're things going up here on the Ragedenburg 1?

Spudd – Theys going boss theys going.

Curaxu – We could do with some more food actually. We had to stop rations to the Ragedenburg 3. We told them that they could just eat their RageGaming tshirts if they get too peckish but apparently they never got them.

Rage – Yeah uh must be a mix up in the mail or something.

Curaxu – Must be.

Rage – Because I definitely sent them.

*Fluke cracks under the pressure of the new arrivals.*

Fluke – IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN WE GOT HERE. I SWEAR. AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT COVERED IN THAT GUM THAT I LIKE. THAT'S PROBABLY JUST THE LIGHTING. YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR VASES IN BETTER LIGHTING.

Evanz – Shut up Fluke. You'll get us in trouble.

Fluke – ALSO WE'RE OUT OF THAT GUM THAT I LIKE. SO, YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD STOP SOON.

*Spudd turns to look at Fluke and Evanz who are blocking the table from view via jazz hands.*

Spudd – Oy an what vase would that be laddie?

Fluke – Definitely not the vase that was on this table.

Spudd – Ye numpties. Do ye have any idea what was in that vase?

Fluke - Dreams?

Evanz – A second vase?

Spudd – Naw ye wee roasters. It was my granda's lucky ashes.

Evanz – I told you not to make a scene. Oh geez now we'll never get those merit badges.

Fluke – Endless did it.

*Endless hides under her paws.*

*Spudd races over to the table and kneels next to the wreckage.*

Spudd – Look at the state he's in. I'm sorry granda. I'll get ye back in yer vase with gran an pugsly.

*Steve roombas between Spudd's feet picking up shattered vase bits and stray piles of dust.*

Spudd – Come back here with my granda ye bawbag bastird, ye lecky hellfiend.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – No Spudd you mustn't! He doesn't know what he's doing! He's got the super autism!

*Steve repeatedly rams himself into a wall.*

Spudd – What he's got is my granda. And I only know one way to get him back out.

*Spudd chases after Steve, knocking the rest of the vase on to Evanz''s shoes.*

Evanz – Awww come on.

Hollow – Look I'm sure all of this is very important but can we please get things going again. I don't want to stay around London any longer than we have to. Especially not out in the open like this.

*Curaxu looks around the room, pauses, then decides that Hollow was talking to him.*

Curaxu – Where do you have in mind?

Hollow – Can these things make it to America?

Curaxu – Why would you want to go to America? Don't you know they throw all their tea in the Boston Harbor?

Hollow – They don't do that! That's not a thing!

Rage – Oh right I forgot. Because I guess you know everything there ever was to know about America.

Hollow – Shut up dingus. So Curaxu can you get us there or can't you?

Curaxu – Well we'll need to pick up some more aerodynamic lava…

Hollow – I hate you Josh. I hate you so much.

Rage – I know you are but what am I?

Curaxu - …And we'll have to pass through China because the Bermuda Triangle's full of spider tornados this time of year. But yeah, I think we jut might can get you to America. How's three weeks sound?

Hollow – It sounds like the best news I've heard all day. Thank you Curaxu.

Curaxu – Glad I could help citizen. Now stop pissing on Steve Spuddy Boy, we're going to the cockpit. We've got work to do.

Spudd – I'm the master of my own destiny Cura.

Rage – Haha you said cock.

Curaxu – I'll let you honk the horn if you come now.

Rage – Guys Curaxu just said cock.

Spudd – You're damn right you'll let me honk the horn.

Fluke – Ohh I get it. Hahaha that's another word for penis. You're a potty mouth Curaxu.

Evanz – Does anybody know how hard it is to get cremation ashes out of wool socks?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Very.

Evanz – Awww.

*Spudd and Curaxu race each other out of the lobby and down a hallway. Spudd sprints ahead only to vomit a little bit in his mouth and a lotta bit on to the floor. Rage uses a nearby challenger to mop up the sick, only succeeds in spreading it around. Hollow slips on the sick and tries to steady himself on a nearby wall; pulling back his hand after realizing it was lava. Steve bumps against Hollow's head before being slapped away by an apologetic L33tGamingz456Xxz69. Fluke, Evanz, and Endless the Ocelot play leapfrog down the corridor. They stop to pick Hollow up off the ground and form a line of can-can dancers.*