Silence.
..
Darkness.
..
Hollow.
..
That's all Felicity feels now. When she went to change out of her mission clothes last night she never expected to find Oliver like that. She swallows the image of that moment but she can't swallow the last words he spoke, "I infect every life I touch".
"I called Thea." She heard John inform. She didn't even hear him come in the room. She most definitely didn't see him. She hasn't been able to pry her eyes from Oliver since she entered his room.
"How'd she take it?" Felicity wondered.
"'Bout how you'd expect. She's coming home." John informed, once again.
"I don't know if that's a good thing or not, John." Felicity confessed, she wasn't sure he even heard her.
"Why?"
"Seeing him like this isn't easy." She admitted.
"I'm sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to give you an update on his condition and let you know that Chase tried to come visit." Dr. Schwartz informed when she entered the room.
"He still here?" John asked, anger in his voice. John pissed off was a scary feeling. He was usually so calm.
"No, I had him escorted out. There were too many people around for him to make a scene and come out on the good side of things. I also had our systems updated so that if he tried to come visit him again, they'd tell him he was transferred to an A.R.G.U.S facility. I hope that's okay. I figured he wouldn't risk a visit there just to gloat."
"Thank you, Doc. That was good thinking." John stated.
"How is he?" She asked, reaching out to grab Oliver's hand. She felt a sudden surging need to feel him.
"I wish I had good news for you, Miss. Smoak. His injuries themselves have been treated and are healing as to be expected. It's the blood loss he suffered that has me concerned." Dr. Schwartz said, looking at Oliver with a hint of fear in her eyes.
"Why? You gave him a transfusion." Felicity replied. She could feel her own fear rising.
"We gave him multiple transfusions, Miss. Smoak. But you have to understand that blood carries oxygen to tissues that are vital for life. I'm concerned about the amount of time that his brain went without proper oxygen." She explained.
"What does that mean? I mean, I know what it means but what does that mean for Oliver?" Felicity rambled.
"It means that there is no real way of knowing the extent of the damage done until he wakes up. Then we'll assess from there and run the proper tests. I'm sorry." Dr. Schwartz stated before turning towards the door.
"When will he wake up, Doc?" John asked from the other side of the room.
"I wish I had an answer for that." She confessed before exiting the room.
Felicity sat there looking at the love of her life, watching his chest rise and fall and taking some comfort in it. She felt the hollowness creeping back over her. She didn't know what the right thing to do was now. Should she stay here with him? Should she go back to the bunker and use what they had to bring down Chase? She didn't know. She felt...heavy.
"Felicity, what's the play here?" John asked as he walked over to lean on the wall and glare at her, at least that's how she felt.
"I don't know." She stated.
"Did he say anything to you? Give you any clue as to why he'd…" John stalled at saying the words and Felicity lost it.
"want to kill himself? That's what you were trying to say. No, John. He didn't mention it to me. We both know that he hasn't exactly been in the best place the last few days. I didn't know he was going to do this and fuck you for implying that I'd just let him die!" Felicity wasn't sure where but at some point during her rant she'd started crying again.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything. I'm just trying to understand this." John apolizied.
"You can't. None of us can. I don't even think he does." Felicity reasoned before turning back to Oliver.
Did she cause this? He seemed okay when she left him in the bunker but that wasn't the last time she saw him before she found him. The look on his face when he realized that she'd trapped him in that warehouse will haunt her, he looked resigned. At the time she didn't understand it but looking at him now she felt she did.
"I did this." She admitted, so quietly she wasn't sure she'd actually said it.
"What are you talking about?" John asked, worry evident in his voice.
"John, I think this is my fault."
"How?"
"Earlier last night, when the team went on that mission, I went on a mission with Helix to get some alternate options in taking down Chase. Oliver seemed okay when I left him at the bunker, at little peeved that he couldn't get out in the field but okay. But he followed me and Helix and he tried to stop our mission. I had to trap him to keep him safe and protect our mission so everything we did wasn't for nothing. When he realized that I trapped him, he looked at me and there was just something there...like he was resigned. I didn't get it then but I do now." She related the experience the best she could.
"Felicity, I don't care what happened. This is not your fault. There is only one person to blame for any of these. Adrian Chase, and we have everything we need to stop him. We have proof of who the son-of-a-bitch really is and thanks to you a way to find him, no matter where he goes." John reasoned.
Felicity didn't say anything, just nodded in reply. She wasn't sure if he was right.
"Can I have some time alone with him, please?" Felicity asked.
"Of course. Just call if you need anything." John comforted as he moved to leave.
"And Felicity, this isn't your fault." John added before opening the door.
"You already said that." She said moving to meet John's eyes before he left.
"Just want to make sure it sticks." He said with a smile before shutting the door behind him.
Now she was alone; just her, an unconscious Oliver and her thoughts.
She swallowed hard and moved to sit on his bed next to him; as she again felt to far from him. She remembered doing this when Barry had been in a coma all those years ago. This was a different feeling entirely. This was Oliver and he'd tried to kill himself. She knew that he'd wanted to many times over the past ten years but she'd never seen it, and he'd never actually tried. He'd done plenty of reckless and self-sacrificing things but again this was different. she did remember that Barry had told her that he felt her and could remember some of the things she'd told him. She was hoping the same was true for Oliver.
"Hey. God, I feel lame talking to you like this. But I don't know if I'll ever have another chance to say any of this so here it goes." She paused and took a deep breath before speaking again.
"I'm sorry. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and I was planning on talking to you about it all after we got Chase but you kind of forced my hand here. Back on point, Smoak; I was wrong. Just walking away from you like that. I mean, I'm not saying that it was all my fault but I should have at least talked to you or let you talk to me. I was wrong for giving up on you. I mean, I didn't just give up on you, ya know? I kinda just gave up on everything. This whole past year I felt like I was just pretending. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. But in some weird way all of this help me understand something. It's not that you don't trust me, it's that you don't trust yourself; I don't think you ever did. I know that Chase is in your head but so am I. I believe our love is stronger than his hate. I know that I love you and that you love me. So now I need you fight whatever is happening inside you and wake up. We'll put our love back together and burn Adrian Chase's world to the ground, together."
