The bells are ringing but is this the church or fire department

-/\/-

Naruto rushed into the Hokage's office with tenten in tow… for the second time in the same day.

"Ji-Ji! Ji-Ji!"

Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura turned to look at Naruto.

"Hn."

"So, Naruto… what was so important to miss our daily meeting?" Kakashi eye-smiled at the blond, who felt like he was in danger.

"Uh… I didn't realize today is today. Also, I'm getting married."

Sakura just shook her head. Sasuke's eyes widened so much that his eyeballs would've fallen out if they weren't screwed in properly. Kakashi froze in place. And Hiruzen just shook his head.

"Sadly, a mission came up for your team. I'm afraid you'll need to postpone the marriage until after you return." He diplomatically informed. Hopefully, by that time Jiraiya will already take that damned hat and it'll be his problem.

"What? No! But… I wanted to give Tenten that seal already."

"Well… formalities shouldn't take too long." The kunoichi offered, completely disregarding the shocked stares of Team 7.

"Fuck…" Hiruzen muttered low enough that he wasn't heard. "Naruto, I'll make you a deal. You'll be allowed to apply the seal to Tenten. In exchange, you'll have a set of requirements to fulfill before the actual wedding."

"Hm… Wait, that's unfair. I don't actually get anything out of this!"

The Hokage grimaced. "Well… Then… how about… I mean… How about…"

"Naruto, how about you get a month coupon for All-you-can-eat Ramen at Ichiraku and apply that seal, but you wait with the wedding itself until we come back. Personally, I'd love to hear the whole story behind this sword-point wedding. I'm sure the Hokage-sama would find that acceptable and keep the restrictions reasonable?" He looked over at Sandaime, who nodded.

Naruto looked at Tenten, who slowly nodded. "It'd depend on what are the restrictions…"

"Yeah! What she said!"

"Nothing too outlandish." The Hokage began. "While as Genins you're already adults, I worry if you'll be able to… deal with married life. I just don't want you to regret it down the line when you rush things now."

"Get to the point Ji-Ji." Naruto urged him.

"Okay, here's the list." The Hokage handed the pair a scroll with the list of things they'd need to do.

1. Inform your teams and friends
2. Prepare a wedding ceremony (can be a simple one)
3. Decide on where you're going to live
4. Naruto: Tell Tenten about the fox
5. Naruto: Talk with Kakashi about where the kids come from
6. Tenten: Talk with Yuhi Kurenai
Here, the name was crossed off. Mitrashi Anko, another crossed-off name. Mitrashi Anko about where kids come from, as well as kunoichi methods of protection.

"Uh… Ji-Ji, what's with the last two?"

"Well, Naruto. If the two of you are committed to getting married, it's going to be necessary knowledge."

"But… we already learned where kids come from in the academy."

"And all girls had the special class on our last year there," Tenten added.

"Wait, when was this introduced?" Hiruzen straightened up. He could've sworn that material wasn't in the textbook.

"Hokage-sama, it was… um… My sensei was the one who decided to introduce that to the academy. After his and you-know-who's honeymoon."

"Ah. That… I remember. He kept doing stamina training for several weeks without a break after… that… day…" Realization dawned on Hiruzen. Here's to hope the seal helps with stamina. He let out a small chuckle, earning weird glances from the genin. Kakashi seemed to also catch on.

"In that case… Just the first four apply."

Naruto went through them again and froze looking at the number four.

"Uh… can me and Tenten," he didn't notice people whisper-shouting 'Tenten and I' at him, "get a bit of privacy?" He saw Kakashi about to say something and sent his sensei the most potent glare he could manage. "To decide if we accept."

"That's fine. You can use the room next door." The Hokage nodded, interrupting Kakashi before he had a chance to earn several pointy things thrown at him.

As Naruto and Tenten left, Hiruzen leaned back in his chair and let out a tired groan. "I'm getting too old for this."

"Hokage-sama? What is this whole thing about?" Kakashi requested, hoping to get a more in-depth explanation than just whatever he managed to infer from the madness.

"Genins Uzumaki and Tenten managed to, in a bout of sheer madness or brilliance, create a new double-S ranked Fuinjutsu." Sasuke's eyes widened to the point Sakura thought they'd pop out like they were on a spring. "After it was classified as a clan technique, Naruto decided to propose to Tenten in order to give her access to it, as in his opinion it was unfair for her to not be able to access it despite being partially responsible for its creation."

Kakashi winced. Both because Naruto was being… Naruto, but also because he suspected that this was strongly influenced by his own teaching.

"Wait, how did he manage to create a technique that is double-S rank?" Sasuke wondered out loud. "Doesn't the notation end on just S rank?"

"It does. Officially." Hiruzen looked at the two genins. Should he reveal it? Probably not, but if they stuck with Naruto for a bit longer they'd learn it anyway. "The sole known exception to that case was the Uzumaki clan."

"There is an Uzumaki clan?" Both genins shouted in shock.

"Yes. Or rather was. Naruto is the last known survivor. The clan was wiped during the Second Ninja War. It took seven villages combining their forces to eliminate them before Konoha managed to send aid."

"Were they… that dangerous?" Sasuke seemed more involved in this matter than he was in anything since before Team Seven was formed.

"Yes, but not in the way you think. They were without a doubt powerful, but what made them truly the target was that… every last one of them was more unhinged than a drunk Maito Gai." Kakashi paled. "There are eight recorded cases of an Uzumaki summoning a higher being to seal them into an object to check if they can or to power another creation of theirs."

"But… Kushina-san always seemed so be so calm and polite. Well, when she wasn't busy beating someone with the frying pan."

"Kushina-chan was directly responsible for expanding the forbidden scroll by at least a quarter. It was a blessing that her husband was able to restrain her most of the time. She only finally mellowed somewhat when she was pregnant." Hiruzen sighed. "It's not something I can hope for with Naruto though."

"Can we go back to how the Uzumaki were wiped out by seven villages? What happened?" Sakura asked.

"Only two of those villages are still on the map today. Remember how I said we have eight recorded cases? That's because nineteen others left no notes outside of maybe a single seal that might or might not have contained the being they've summoned. The survivors took the Uzumaki masks and ran away. Konoha has managed to reclaim most of them and the Shodaime's wife put them all in a special shrine, but…" Hiruzen's eyes clouded as he stared into the distance. "One was broken before it could be reclaimed."

"What happened?" Sasuke, ever blunt, asked.

"It involved tentacles." The Hokage cut off any further discussion. He was about to say something, but a crash interrupted him. It was followed by several unintelligible shouts, several explosions, what sounded like a lot of steel crashing into concrete, and finally a loud THUD.

Then the wall to the Hokage's office shattered as a giant spiked metal ball on a chain created a new entrance.

"Get back here you stupid bitch! I'll show you exactly who here is related to foxes! I'm going to bathe you in pheromones and drop you into Inuzuka kennels!" Tenten rushed past the hole, spinning the orb. The Hokage noted that his secretary was currently trying to beat Naruto's record on top speed while being chased by angry shinobi. She was… lacking.

"Uh…" Speaking of, the boy entered the room. "So… point number four on the list is done."

"What… happened?" Hiruzen didn't cry. He simply lowered the rim of his hat just so much lower to cover his eyes. He was the Hokage, it was cool when he hid in the shadows.

"So… Tenten and I were talking," Naruto really didn't understand why Sakura was cheering already, "I explained the… thing to her. And it was all nice, she hugged me, and she talked about how this was stupid and how she would punch the fourth Hokage in the balls once she found him."

Because of the shadow covering Hiruzen's face, Naruto didn't see the terror on Hokage's face. He'd need to check if Tenten didn't have an Uzumaki ancestor.

"So anyway, we were hugging. It was really nice. So warm and soft. And pillowy. But then the mean lady walked in and screamed… some very mean things." Naruto looked anyway but at the other people. "Uh… Tenten took offense to that. Bit offense."

Several explosions in quick succession echoed across the village.

"Yeah… that."

"Get back here you wench! I'm going to show you exactly how foxes breed! You'll get a hands-on demonstration as soon as we get to the forest!" Tenten… was not happy.

"Uh… I… those brats are going to guard me?" A drunk guy looked into the room through a giant hole in the wall.

"Is that a problem?" Kakashi looked to the apparent client.

"No. Not at all. If they are half as scary… I mean strong as that girl with… that…" He pointed toward the spiked metal orb of death that flew past the window with the secretary caught on a spike by her skirt. "I have no complaints."

"Good. Should we wait until tomorrow with departure?"

"No. Go today. I believe Tenten's going to be busy for the rest of the day anyway."

"Save me!" The secretary's scream could be heard through the window. Hokage slowly approached the window to see Tenten dragging the woman by her hair.

"Nanao! I'm sorry to say but you're fired." He shouted after the woman, making her cry some more.

-/\/-

In heavens, Kushina watched everything with a bloodthirsty grin.

"Yes! Yes! She's perfect! She's the best in the village! Tighten that rope! Make sure she doesn't wiggle out!"

The first and second Hokage happened to be nearby. Tobirama watched with absolute terror as the redhead screamed shouts of encouragement at the genin who was preparing to torture the poor secretary.
Hashirama just smiled, too busy with Mito who kept twisting on his lap.

"A fine addition to the Uzumaki clan indeed." The first jinchurki smiled, leaning back and nibbling on Hashirama's ear.

"Yes, dear. And so loyal. A true display of the will of fire."

"Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong? On several levels!" Tobirama asked, but his brother was too busy with Mito, and Kushina just pulled out a bowl of ramen out of who-knows-where and was aggressively slurping on the noodles while she watched.